humility. But he still wanted to honor the general, so he made the next
sculpture in silver.
But again the general was furious.
“I want bronze,” he said, “I want bronze!”
This time the artist made the sculpture out of bronze as asked. When
the sculpture was revealed to the general, he was overjoyed at the wonderful
bronze likeness. The artist then complimented the general on his deep
humility.
This notion confused him very much.
“But why did you want sculpture made of bronze?”
“Why? I’ll tell you why,” said the general.
“Because General Minh prefer bronze!”
[Father Goose #51]
Maggie and Tom are a couple with a passion for ice cream. They
stopped at the local ice creamery, then returned to their car with double
scoops of chocolate almond fudge.
No sooner had they settled back to enjoy their cones than two birds
landed on the car hood and began to chirp and flutter and peck at the
windshield. Finally Maggie rolled down her window and placed the rest of
her cone on the hood. The birds quieted down and began to eat the cone.
“Maggie, you’re wonderful,” said Tom. “How did you think
of doing that?”
“Oh, it wasn’t hard to figure out,” said Maggie. “It’s just another
example of stilling two birds with one’s cone.”
[Father Goose #52]
After several years of happy marriage, a man was getting ready for his
anniversary. Their two children had been shipped off to the grandparents -
a very nice dinner for two had been ordered from the local caterer, and he
and his wife were preparing for a very quiet romantic evening at home. He
had already gotten his wife’s anniversary present – a diamond brooch, but
decided that a further touch would be neccesary. His wife had a fondness for
gardening and flowers, her favorite being Anemones, and he thought he would
present her with such a plant to replace one that had been knocked over by
their younger child several days earlier. So, on his way home from work,
just before he picked up the warming tray from the Caterer and the bottle
of champagne from the liquor store (Dom Perignon, of course), he stopped at
the Florist to pick up a live Anemone. Alas, however, the florist had sold his
last one earlier in the afternoon and was not going to get in a new shipment
until Monday. Heartbroken though he was, the man was persuaded by the
florist to instead buy a Boston Fern, which were on sale that week.
Arriving home, after carrying in the food and champagne, the man
presented his wife with the fern, and added that he had another suprise for
her. As he reached for the brooch, he mentioned about his first choice of
plants, and was about to apologize, but his wife stilled him.
“After all,” she said, “with fronds like these, who needs Anemones.”
[Father Goose #53]
It was the time of the year for the caretaker of the Church to
clean, fix, maintain, and restore the character of the Church, and this
year those duties included painting the steeple, which had not been done
in several years. He dutifully went about the work, erecting scaffolding,
and climbing up, taking his paint, his brushes, water to clean the brushes,
and a bit of drinking water, since it was a fairly hot day.
While he was painting, he realized that he would not have enough
paint to finish the steeple, and he did not feel at all like climbing down
the scaffolding and going back to the workshop to mix some more paint.
Seeing the water for washing the brushes, he came up with the idea to
make the paint he had go further, so he added the water to his paint, and
continued on.
As he was nearing completion of the steeple, he realized that the
paint he had, albeit watered down, would still not be enough to finish the
job, so he added what was left of his drinking water and finished the job
with just a few drops of paint to spare.
More releived than anything else, he climbed down the scaffolding
and started to hurry back to his workshop behind the Church, for after all,
he was dehydrated, and his unwashed brushes were beginning to set, when there
was a Clap of Thunder, a Bolt of Lightening, the sky blackened and a
heavenly Voice proclaimed:
Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!
[Father Goose #54]
Three guys, one from Russia, one from Czechoslovakia and one from
Poland, are in Canada for a conference. They decide to take advantage
of their rare visit by doing something that people do when they’re in
Canada.
The Canadian diplomats suggest a camping trip, and, ignoring the
forest rangers’ warnings of recent bear sightings in the area they plan
to visit, the three travelers set off.
Three days later, the men are long overdue. The Canadian forest
service dispatches a search party to the ares, and sure enough, they
discover a ravaged and deserted campsite and three bloated bears lying
dead a few yards away — two she-bears and a he-bear.
One of the team is sent forward to investigate, and he promptly
knifes open the two females. Just as he had feared, the Russian and the
Pole are inside, and the ranger returns to his companions and reports
his findings.
“What about the third guy?” asks one of the team members.
“Oh,” replies the first nonchalantly, “the Czech’s in the male.”
[Father Goose #55]
A revolution in a small African country paralyzed an English
firm that made rare-earth alloys; most of the Muth tribe, which
ran mines producing the needed ores, had been overrun and thrown into
makeshift concentration camps. The new rulers refused to sell any ore,
so the firm hired Glore and Landry, Ltd., basically a private
espionage service, who sent in their best man, Roger Hope. “Do whatever it
takes, Roger,” said Sir John Landry, his boss, “but get that ore moving again.”
Hope was an unorthodox idealist: he gathered together the few Muth
still at liberty and built a guerilla force that broke open the camps and
pulled off a nearly bloodless coup. When he returned to England,
Hope asked his firm to fake his death and help him assume a new identity.
Sir John was amazed. “Is it all the publicity? Will it keep you from
being effective?”
“It’s not that, Sir John,” answered Hope. “It’s just that I’m sick
and tired of being called:
Hope of Glore and Landry, free-er of the Muth.”
[Father Goose #56]
“So, how did the class reunion go?” I asked.
“Kinda fun. Some sad moments, though. Remember Lucy? I found out
she died,” he answered.
“How awful! What happened?”
“She got a job at a chemical plant. Keith Simons was working there.
You know what those two were like. Couldn’t think of anything but sex.” I
nodded. “Anyway, one lunch break they sneaked out to a favorite spot right
in the middle of the factory and started making love. They rolled under a
railing and fell right into a vat of Methyl Orange that some idiot had left
open. Tragicomic, y’know.” He paused for effect. “It reminds me of a Beatles
song.”
“Huh? Which one?”
“Lucy in the Dye with Simons.”
A loyal Beatles fan, I hit him.
[Father Goose #57]
Friar Laurence told Romeo that Juliet was getting very drunk every
night and suffering massive hangovers every morning. Romeo flew to his beloved.
It was true: she was an odd shade of pale green and had bloodshot eyes. At
first she wouldn’t admit why she drank, but at last she confessed that though
she loved him, she couldn’t stand his flatulence. Romeo explained that it
was due to a distant relative, an Englishwoman who had earned the gratitude
of her King and been made Dame Commander of the British Empire [anachronism
here, but there's worse to come], but was now impoverished. Her Italian
relatives, out of sympathy, had made her their cook, and she was feeding them
hearty English fare which disagreed with Romeo’s sensitive bowels. Romeo
kept eating her food because he hadn’t the heart to tell her. But Friar
Laurence, said Romeo, had a solution: in the Veronese catacombs there was a
shrine with relics of an obscure saint. A night of praying there, followed
by a vow that he would control his sphincters, would cure him. Juliet was so
overjoyed that her next speech didn’t quite scan properly:
JULIET: O Romeo, Romeo, therefore fartest thou, Romeo!
Deny thy fodder and refuse thy Dame.
Or if thou wilt not, be butt-sworn, my love,
And I’ll no longer be so crapulous.
Of course they didn’t live happily ever after…
–
The Female can change her mind at any given point in time.
