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Humourbettertxt part2

Sunday, August 31st, 2008

83. A beer is never too sensitive.
84. A beer won’t steal the covers.
85. You don’t have to laugh at a beer’s jokes.
86. A beer won’t mind at all if you’re not in the mood for beer.

> 1. A cucumber won’t tell you that size doesn’t matter.
> 2. A cucumber won’t need to be sucked off.
> 3. A cucumber won’t care what time of the month it is.
> 4. A cucumber won’t lie to you about having a vasectomy.
> 5. A cucumber won’t want to come on your face.
> 6. A cucumber won’t fall asleep too soon.
> 7. A cucumber won’t fall asleep on your chest or drool on the pillow.
> 8. A cucumber won’t make you sleep on the wet spot.
> 9. You won’t find out that a cucumber is: married
> on penicillin
> trying to screw your sister.
>10. A cucumber won’t grab cash from your purse while you’re asleep.
>11. A cucumber won’t come home late, stinking of beer.
>12. A cucumber won’t run off with a cheerleader or an ex-nun.

And don’t forget:

All cucumbers are fresh and juicy.
You can keep as many cucumbers as you want.
Your mother won’t flip out finding a cucumber in your house.
Cucumbers don’t jam the freezer with food you don’t like.
Cucumbers don’t stay up until 4 and then demand that you take
care of them when they get sick.
But on the other hand, cucumbers stay up ALL THE TIME.
Cucumbers don’t mind if you enjoy them and a movie at the same time.
Nobody calls you a bigot for having a favorite kind of cucumber.
The cucumbers you raise don’t desert you.

*************************************************************************
Why a cucumber is better than a man

– the average cucumber is at least seven inches long
– cucumbers stay hard for a week
– a cucumber won’t tell you size doesn’t count
– cucumbers don’t get too excited
– a cucumber never suffers from performance anxiety
– cucumbers are easy to pick up
– you can fondle cucumbers in a supermarket
– … and you know how firm it is before you take it home
– you only eat cucumbers when you feel like it
– no matter how you slice it, you can always have your cuke and eat it too
– you can have as many cucumbers as you can handle
– cucumbers can get away any weekend
– with a cucumber you can get a single room
– … and you won’t have to check in as “Mrs.” Cucumber
– a cucumber will always respect you in the morning
– you can go to movie with a cucumber … and see the movie
– at a drive-in, you can stay in the front seat
– a cucumber can alwsays wait until you get home
– a cucumber won’t eat all the popcorn or send you out to get Milk Duds
– a cucumber won’t drag you to a John Wayne Film Festival
– a cucumber won’t ask “Am I the first?”
– cucumbers don’t care if you are a virgin
– cucumbers won’t tell other cucumbers you’re a virgin
– cucumbers won’t tell anyone you’re not a virgin
– with cucumbers, you don’t have to be a virgin more than once
– cucumbers won’t write your name and number on the men’s room wall
– cucumbers don’t have sex hangups
– cucumbers won’t make you wear kinky clothes or go to bad with your boots on
– cucumbers aren’t into leathers and chains, talking dirty, or swinging
with fruits and nuts
– cucumbers never need a round of applause
– cucumbers won’t ask:
Am I the best?
How was it?
Did you come? How many times?
– cucumbers aren’t jealous of your gynecologist, ski/tennis instructors
– a cucumber won’t want to join your support group
– a cucumber never wants to improve your mind
– cucumbers aren’t into meaningful conversations
– cucumbers won’t ask about your last lover or speculate about your next one
– a cucumber will never make a scene because there are other cucumbers in
the refrigerator
– a cucumber won’t mind hiding in the refrigerator when your mother comes over
– no matter what age group you are in, you can always get a fresh cucumber
– cucumbers can handle rejection
– a cucumber won’t pout if you have a headache
– a cucumber won’t care what time of the month it is
– a cucumber never wants to get it on when your nails are wet
– with a cucumber, you never have to say you’re sorry
– cucumbers don’t leave whisker burns, fall asleep on your chest, or drool on
the pillow
– cucumbers won’t give you a hickey
– cucumbers can stay up all night, and you won’t have to sleep in the wet spot
– Afterwards, a cucumber won’t:
want to shake hands and be friends
say, “I’ll call you a cab.”
tell you he’s not the marrying kind
tell you he is the marrying kind
call his mother, ex-wife, or therapist
take you to confesion
– cucumbers don’t leave you wondering for a month
– a cucumber won’t make you go to the drugstore
– cucumbers won’t tell you a vasectomy will ruin it for him
– a cucumber a day keeps the ob-gyn away
– a cucumber won’t work your crossword with ink
– a cucumber isn’t allergic to your cat
– with a cucumber, you don’t have to play Florence Nightingale during the
flu season
– cucumbers never asnwer your phone or borrow your car
– a cucumber won’t consume all your food or liquors
– a cucumber doesn’t turn your bathroom into a library
– cucumbers won’t go through your medicine chest
– a cucumber doesn’t use your toothbrush, roll-on, or hairspray
– cucumbers don’t leave dirty shorts on the floor
– cucumbers won’t leave hair on the sink or a ring in the tub
– a cucumber never forgets to flush the toilet
– a cucumber doesn’t flush the toilet while you are taking a shower
– with a cucumber, the toilet seat is always the way you left it
– cucumbers don’t compare you to a centerfold
– cucumbers can’t count to “10″
– cucumbers don’t tell you they like you better with longer hair
– a cucumber will never leave you
for another woman
for another man
for another cucumber
– a cucumber will never call and say, “I have to work late, honey.” and then
come home with the smell of Channel No. 19 on him
– a cucumber never snaps your bra, or pinches your butt
– you always know where YOUR cucumber has been
– you won’t find out later that your cucumber:
is married
is on penicillin or have AIDS
likes you, but loves your brother
– a cucumber never has to call “the wife”
– cucumbers never have mid-life crisis
– a cucumber doesn’t have softball practice on the day you move
– cucumbers never have to tell you what they did while on vacation
– cucumbers don’t care if you make more money than they do
– a cucumber won’t wear shorts to your office party
– you don’t have to wait until halftime to talk to your cucumber
– a cucumber won’t leave town on New Year’s Eve
– a cucumber won’t take you to a disco and dump you for a flashy blonde
– cucumbers never want to take you home to mom
– a cucumber doesn’t care if you always spend the holidays with your family
– a cucumber won’t ask to be put through Medical school
– a cucumber won’t tell you he’s outgrown you intellectually
– cucumbers never expect you to have little cucumbers
– a cucumber won’t say “Let’s keep trying until we have a boy.”
– a cucumber won’t insist the little cukes be raised catholic, jewish, or
orthodox vegetarian
– it’s easy to drop a cucumber
– a cucumber will never contest a divorce, demand a property settlement,
or seek custody of anything

===========================================================================
And last by not least:
Why can’t todays women become sucessful carpenters?
Because all their lives they’ve been told that this
|————————————————-| is 12 inches

–

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Humourbettertxt

Saturday, August 30th, 2008

Archive-author:
Archive-title: Better Than … lists

Ive been seeing lots of requests for the old beer is better posts
so here they are along with (for the women folk of course) all
about cucumbers.

======================but first=====================================
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class about the difference between
right and wrong.

“All right children, let’s take another example,” she said. “If I were to
get into a man’s pocket and take his billfold with all his money, what would
I be?”

A little girl raised her hand, and said, “You’d be his wife.”
======================its true its true=============================

25 GOOD REASONS WHY BEER IS BETTER THAN WOMEN

1. You can enjoy a beer all month long
2. Beer stains wash out
3. You don’t have to wine and dine beer
4. Your beer will always wait patiently for you in
the car while you play baseball
5. When you beer goes flat, you toss it out
6. Hangovers go away
7. A beer lables come off without a fight
8. Beer is never late
9. Beer doesn’t get jealous when you grab another beer
10. When you go to a bar, you know you can always
pick up a beer
11. Beer never gets a headache
12. After you’ve had a beer, the bottle is still worth
5 cents
13. A beer won’t get upset if you come home and have
another beer
14. If you pour a beer right, you’ll always get good
head
15. A beer always goes down easy
16. You can have more than one beer a night and not
feel guilty
17. You can share a beer with your friends
18. You always know you’re the first one to pop a
beer
19. Beer is always wet
20. Beer doesn’t demand equality
21. You can have a beer in public
22. A beer doesn’t care when you come
23. A frigid beer is a good beer
24. You don’t have to wash a beer before it taste
good
25. If you change beers you don’t have to pay
alimony

86 REASONS WHY A BEER IS BETTER THAN A MAN

1. A beer makes life easier.
2. A beer NEVER leaves the toilet seat up.
3. A beer lasts longer than seven seconds.
4. A beer doesn’t want to watch pro wrestling.
5. A beer won’t expect you to cook dinner when you’re
not hungry.
6. A beer will never leave dirty socks on the floor.
7. A beer will never expect you to sit in the wet spot
IT makes.
8. A beer doesn’t care if you go shopping.
9. A beer doesn’t mind when your mother visits.
10. A beer does as many chores as a man, with a LOT less
complaining.
11. A beer won’t leave you for a younger woman.
12. A beer won’t leave you for a younger man either.
13. You don’t have to worry about getting AIDS from a bisexual beer.
14. Having a beer can’t make you pregnant.
15. A beer won’t tease you because you once liked Barry Manilow.
16. A beer will never smell like a man.
17. A beer doesn’t wouldn’t trade you in on a sports car.
18. If a beer did have a sports car, it wouldn’t love it more than you.
19. A beer doesn’t want to go out alone with the other beers.
20. A beer doesn’t sulk.
21. A beer wouldn’t waste its money on Playbeer magazine.
22. A beer won’t switch the TV channel.
23. A beer doesn’t have to sleep with the windows open.
24. A beer doesn’t snore.
25. A beer can’t interrupt.
26. A beer doesn’t care that you can’t find your car’s carburator.
27. A beer doesn’t think black leather bikinis are neat.
28. A beer doesn’t belch.
29. Or fart.
30. A beer doesn’t mind having pantyhose dry in the bathroom.
31. A beer doesn’t care that you don’t balance your checkbook.
32. A good beer is easy to find.
33. Tall, dark, good-looking beers are common.
34. A beer can’t pout.
35. A beer doesn’t have a mother.
36. A beer doesn’t have friends who will drink your beer.
37. A beer wouldn’t yell if you dented the car.
38. A beer won’t get jealous if you enjoy another beer.
39. A beer won’t even mind if you have another six pack.
40. A beer doesn’t buy everything labelled “turbo”.
41. A beer won’t care if you gain five pounds.
42. A beer will be there for anytime of the month.
43. A beer doesn’t want children.
44. A beer doesn’t think poetry is queer.
45. A beer isn’t ready until you’re ready.
46. If the beer is finished before you are, you can have another beer.
47. A beer can’t talk about the women who had it before you.
48. Hangovers go away.
49. A beer tastes good.
50. Having a beer doesn’t make you want to take a shower.
51. A beer would never leave hair in the bottom of the bathtub.
52. A beer is never late.
53. A beer will never invite friends home for dinner without calling.
54. A beer’s life does not revolve around the world series.
55. A beer won’t think less of you if you can’t name the Steelers’
quarterback.
56. A beer won’t even act amazed if you can.
57. A beer would never make fun of your new outfit.
58. A beer never needs a shave.
59. You don’t have to let a beer win.
60. A beer doesn’t care what toppings you get on the pizza.
61. Just because you have dinner with a beer doesn’t mean you
have to sleep with a beer too.
62. A beer doesn’t have morning breath.
63. A beer never wants to go to the drag races.
64. A beer is happy to go where ever you want to go.
65. A beer helps with the houswork.
66. A beer will never drink the last beer.
67. A beer will never fumble with your bra.
68. You can’t get herpes from a beer.
69. A beer will never take the newspaper apart before you’ve read it.
70. A beer always lets you read the Sunday comics first.
71. A beer is seldom messy.
72. When a beer is finished, it doesn’t roll over and go to sleep.
73. After you’ve had a beer, all you’re committed to doing is
throwing out the container.
74. A beer container is recyclable.
75. A beer wouldn’t mind if you wanted it to wear a condom.
76. A beer will NEVER call you “Babe”. Or “Sugar”.
77. A beer is never tempermental.
78. A beer will never complain about your cooking.
79. A cold beer is a good beer.
80. A beer is not kinky unless you want it to be kinky.
81. A beer will never worry about losing its hair.
82. A big, fat beer is nice to have.
…End of the part1. To be continued..

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Humourbeerwomntxt

Friday, August 29th, 2008

Archive-author:
Archive-title: Why Beer is Better than Women

Reasons why
Beer is better than women

A frigid beer is a good beer.
After a beer, the bottle is still worth a nickle.
All you have to do to get head is undo the top and turn it upside down.
Beer always goes down. Easy.
Beer can is worth something after you’ve had it.
Beer doesn’t bother about foreplay.
Beer doesn’t care about your size.
Beer doesn’t care what position your in.
Beer doesn’t care when you come.
Beer doesn’t cry if you don’t talk to it for a week.
Beer doesn’t demand equality.
Beer doesn’t get jealous when you grab another beer.
Beer is always ready.
Beer is always wet.
Beer is never late.
Beer labels peel off without a fight.
Beer never has a headache.
Beer never talks back.
Beer stains wash out.
Beer will never have a another beer.
Beer will never leave you for a cucumber.
Beer won’t get pregnant.
Beer won’t get upset when you come home with beer on your breath.
Beer won’t mind if you fart after you’ve had it.
Beers don’t get PMS.
Beers don’t get fat.
Beers don’t get headaches.
Beers don’t have cellulite.
Beers don’t have periods.
Beers don’t have teeth.
Beers don’t leave wet patches in the bed.
Beers don’t mind if you don’t stay up all night.
Beers don’t nag.
Beers don’t want equal rights.
Beers don,t have mother-in-laws.
Beers improve with age.
Beers never leave pubes in your throat.
Hangovers go away.
Having a Beer won’t give you a sore back.
If you change beers, you dont have to pay alimony.
If you go to a bar you’ll definately be able to get a Beer.
If you pour a beer right, you’ll get good head.
When a beer goes flat, you toss it.
When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer.
When you open a beer you know your the first and only one to have it.
You can carry half-dozen Beers in one hand with little fuss.
You can enjoy a beer all month long.
You can have a Beer cold.
You can have a Beer in public.
You can have as many Beers as you want and they won’t get jealous.
You can have more than one beer a night and not feel guity about it.
You can piss and have a Beer at the same time.
You can share a beer with a friend and it doesn’t care.
You can’t catch syphillis from a Beer.
You don’t have to chat a Beer up before you have it.
You don’t have to wash a Beer before it tastes good.
You don’t have to wine and dine a beer.
You don’t need to dress up to pick up some beers.
You never find a med in your beer.
You never have to wait for a Beers nails to dry.
Your beer will always wait patiently for you, in the car, while you play a sport.

–

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Humourbeermentxt

Thursday, August 28th, 2008

Archive-author:
Archive-title: Why Beer is Better than Men

29 Reasons why
Beer is better than men

1a. Beer makes you feel better when you have your period.
2a. Beer stains don’t smell funny the next day.
3a. Beer goes where you want it to.
4a. Your beer will always wait patiently for you in the car while
you try on shoes at the mall.
5a. Your beer never suffers performance anxiety.
5b. When your beer won’t get a head up, you can toss it out.
6a. Beer doesn’t stand there tapping it wristwatch.
6b. No woman ever got stood up by a beer.
7a. A beer doesn’t start a fistfight with an ale.
8a. Puking will rid you of that queasy feeling you get when
you made the wrong choice.
8b. Beer doesn’t get drunk and call you at 3am to beg.
8c. You don’t need a restraining order with bad beer.
8d. I never met a beer with a criminal record.
9a. Beer labels come off when you want them to.
10a. When you go to a bar, you can pick up a beer without worrying
about that tan line on his ring finger.
10b. You can pick up a beer in a bar right in front of your mom
and she won’t mind.
11a. Beer never has a bad temper.
12a. A beer won’t throw you into the back seat of a 76′
Datsun and dry hump you under a mercury vapor lamp.
12b. A beer won’t toss you in the passenger seat of a
Mazda RX7 and show you it can go 100MPH on a flat stretch.
13a. A beer doesn’t bring strange people home with it.
14a. Its easy to give beer good head with minimal shaking up.
15a. You don’t have to worry about a gag reflex with beer.
16a. You can have more than one beer in a night without feeling sore.
17a. You can talk to your girlfriends about your beer without it getting
pissed off.
18. You have a good idea where that beer has been before you got it.
19a. No one ever had to sleep in a beer spot.
20a. Beer doesn’t dis’ you because you are a babe.
21a. A beer won’t shove its hand up your dress at your graduation
party.
22a. You don’t have to fake it for a beer. Beer has no ego.
23a. A cold beer is a good beer.
24a. Beer tastes good.
25a. Beer doesn’t leave you. It snuggles around your hips for
a lifetime.
26. A beer doesn’t hate your cat.
27. You can get six at once without taxing yourself.
28. A beer doesn’t mind if you don’t finish.
29. A beer won’t leave the lid up.

–

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Humourbdrmgolftxt

Wednesday, August 27th, 2008

Archive-author:
Archive-title: Rules of Bedroom Golf, The

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play – normally
one club and two balls.

2. Owner of the course must approve equipment before play may
begin.

3. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

4. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and
keep the balls out of the hole.

5. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course
owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.

6. Course owner reserves the right to restrict the shaft length,
so as to avoid damange to the course.

7. Players are cautioned to play the correct hole, as indicated by
the course owner.

8. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until
the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do
so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.

9. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediatedly upon
arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time
to admire the entire course, with special attention to well-formed
bunkers.

10. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or
are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset
course owners have been known to damage a player’s equipment for this
reason.

11. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along, just in case.

12. Players are advised to obtain the course owner’s permission before
attempting to play the back game.

13. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly
scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the
first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they
discover someone else playing what they consider to be a private
course.

14. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times.
Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be
temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful
in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means
of play when this is the case.

15. Slow play is encouraged; however, players should be prepared to proceed
at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the owner’s request.

16. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the
same hole several times in one match.

17. The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.

18. In some states, it is illegal for a course owner to require (or for a
players to offer) a greens fee in excess of the price of dinner.
Course owners must be careful that play not be proposed to members of
the vice squad.

19. Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at
any given course. Additional assessments may be levied by the course
owner and the rules are subject to change. For this reason many players
prefer to continue to play several different courses.

20. It is considered bad form to reveal your score to other players,
or even that you have played the course.

–

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BBS Lovers

Tuesday, August 26th, 2008

The BBS lovers wrote back and forth to each other, til they
both had enough of writing letters. Both were married but not
to each other. They lived over 1500 miles apart.
They both wrote to each other asking if they could meet.
They both came upon an agreement and meet halfway. He landed
at his halfway point on Friday late afternoon, waiting for his
lovers plane to land. When it was for the plane he got all
nervous and excited. He heard them announce on the loud speaker
that the plane was coming in. He stood there very impatient
looking for someone with a Red Rose pinned in her hair, she told
him that she would have one in her hair.
She finally came walking off the plane with a big smile on
her face. He walked up to her and introduced himself to her.
She was very excited when she saw him, her body tingled all
over. They talked for a little bit and decided to get a room
at a Hotel. They checked in, and took the bags to the room,
freshened up a little and decided to go get something to eat.
They went to a small place in town, ate and talked for about
3 hours. They were both getting tired and they went back to the
Hotel. He went in and took a shower while she sat nervously
waiting for her turn in the shower. She was going to join him
but didn’t want to seem to pushy. When he came out she went in
an took her shower. She got done and went into the room, he
was sitting on the bed with a towel around his waist.
She had on a skimpy nightgown that you could partially see
through. He couldn’t keep his eyes off of her. She sat down
on the edge of the bed and started brushing her long brown hair.
He moved toward her and took the brush out of her hand and
brushed her hair for her. He told her how beautiful she looked
and bent over her and started kissing her neck. She got chills
all over her body when he did that.
He turned her to face him, and he kissed her lips, it was
such a passionate kiss that she wrapped her arms around his
waist. They fell back on the bed, and when they did the towel
fell off of him exposing his massive cock. She ran her hand
down his back and moved it to his hot throbbing cock. She ran
her fingers up and down his shaft lightly teasing him, and than
fondled his balls. He was so hard and hot. He started to slowly
take off her nightgown, he pulled the straps down exposing her
large breasts. He couldn’t resist putting his lips on her nipples.
He kissed her breasts so softly that the more he did it the
the harder her nipples got. He pulled her nightgown the rest of
the way of, showing him her body. He ran his tongue up and down
her body getting her even hotter than before. She laid there
moaning for more.
He ran his tongue down to her clit and teased the hell out
hell out of her. She let out a little scream of excitement,
and wanted to suck his cock, so he laid back on the bed while
she went straight for his cock. She teased him like he did to
her. Then she put his huge cock into her mouth and slowly went
up and down on his cock. He couldn’t take it anymore and he
pulled her up onto him. She sat on his cock and slowly put
it inside her dripping cunt.
They were so wrapped up in each other that they both came
at the same time. She fell back into his arms and giggled a
little with excitement. They fell asleep in each others arms.
About three hours later he woke her up and they made love
again. They both got into the shower and soaped each other up
and then rinsed each other off, than they kissed each other
all over their bodies. He pulled her pussy onto his waiting
cock. He slowly pumped his cock into her pussy. She pulled
him out and put her mouth on his cock, he could barely stand up.
They fucked in the shower until the water started getting
cold. He pulled his cock out and squirted his cum all over her
tits and belly. They cleaned up and went back to bed.
They got up about eight hours later and got dressed and de-
cided to go get something to eat and do a little sight-seeing.
They couldn’t let go of each other the whole time they were
out. He suggested that they go back to the Hotel after he
bought her another nightgown, so she could model it for him, for
this was Saturday and they only had this last night together.
They went back to the hotel and she went and took a quick
shower and slipped into the nightgown. It fit her perfect. He
couldn’t wait to take it off of her. He didn’t say a word his
eyes said it all. He stood up and walked over to her and started
slow dancing with her, the music was just right. He whispered
sweet nothings in her ear and nibbled on her earlobe, which got
her all tinglely again. She was running her nails up and down
his back. He kissed her long and hard. They didn’t even get
into bed, he pushed her up against the wall and fucked her til
they came again.
They got into bed and she started to cry because it would all
end the next day. He comforted her and they made love again.
They fell asleep in each others arms. The next morning when
they awoke they made love again. This time it was more exciting
than ever. They took a shower got dressed and went to the airport,
they kissed and gave each other a little squeeze and boarded the
planes, never knowing when they’ll ever see each other again.
Was it a Dream, or a Fantasy or was it Real? It was just to
good to be true…..

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Humourbathroomtxt part4

Monday, August 25th, 2008

behind his back and yelled, “Doctor, my ass! He’s going to
be our son-in-law. Smell his fingers!”

** 045
One night a man heard howls coming from his basement and
went down to discover a female cat being raped by a mouse.
fascinated by what he saw, the man gained the mouse’s
confidence with some cheese and then took him next door. The
mouse repeated his amazing performance by raping a German
Sheppard. The man, very excited by this, was dying to show
someone his discovery. He rushed home and woke up his wife
but before he could explain, she saw the mouse, screamed,
and covered her head with the blanket.
“Don’t be afraid, darling,” said the man. “Wait until I tell
you about this.”
“Get out of here!” cried his wife. “And take that sex maniac with you!”

** 046
Three men of the cloth – a Catholic priest, a Baptist
minister and a Rabbi -were counting collections taken during
services for the week. They were trying to come up with an
equitable way to divide the money between God (the two
churches and one synagogue) and themselves (the clerics’
weekly income). The priest was the first to speak: “I know
what! I’ll draw a line down the middle of the sanctuary, toss
the money up in the air, and whatever falls on the right side
of the line is for God and whatever falls on the left side is for us.”
The Baptist minister cried, “No! No! No! I’ll draw a circle
in the middle of the sanctuary, toss the money up in the
air, and whatever falls inside the circle is for God and
whatever falls outside the circle is for us.”
The Rabbi then asked the two other men to accompany him
outside. There he offered this suggestion: “What I would do
with the money is this: Toss it up in the air, and whatever
God catches is His and whatever falls on the ground is ours.”

** 047
Two Polacks purchased a bird dog. They took the dog out to
give it a try. After a long while one Polack said to the
other, “Well, we’ll throw him up in the air one more time.
If he doesn’t fly, we’ll shoot the son of a bitch!”

** 048
During a big fire downtown the firemen were having a bit of
trouble. A woman was stuck on the fourth floor with her
baby. The fire fighters instructed her to toss the child out
the window, under which they had placed a net, but the mother refused.
Things looked grim until a tall, well-built black man burst
through the crowd and shouted to the women. He said that he
was a professional football player and that he could catch
the baby safely. After a few minutes more of reassurances by
the man, the mother finally let the child drop.
The football player made a breathtaking catch, and everybody
cheered. At that moment the man suddenly raised the child
high in the air, spiked it on the ground and screamed, “Touchdown!”

** 049
A man walked into a crowded doctor’s office. As he
approached the desk, the receptionist asked “Yes sir,may we
help you?” “There’s something wrong with my dick,” he replied.
The receptionist became aggravated and said, “You shouldn’t
come into a crowded office and say things like that.”
“Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you.” he said.
“We do not use language like that here,” she said. “Please
go outside and come back in and say that there’s something
wrong with your ear or whatever.”
The man walked out, waited several minutes and reentered.
The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, “Yes?”
“There’s something wrong with my ear,” he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly. “And what is wrong with
your ear, sir?”
“I can’t piss out of it.” the man replied.

** 050
Tired of the boring “straights” she’d been laying, a chick
decided she’d find out if bikers were really the heavy
“cocksmen” that she heard they were. So she picked up a
gigantic bro and went went with him up to his pad. Stripped
and ready, anxiously awaiting some real action, she was
astonished to see that his fully erect crank was only two
inches long.
“Who,” she demanded scornfully,”do you think you’re gonna
satisfy with that?”
Grinning confidently, the bro replied,”Me!”

** 051
The common symptoms of swine flu are: High fever, upset
stomach, occasional cramps and an irresistable urge to fuck in the mud.

** 052
Question: How do you kill an Aggie?
Answer: Sneak up on him while he’s getting a drink of water,
then slam the toilet seat on his head.

** 053
At a football game two Texans were seated behind two nuns.
One Texan said to his friend, “I can’t wait to get back to
Dallas. There are only ten Catholics there.”
His buddy replied, “I can’t wait to get back to Houston.
There are only five Catholics there.”
Finally, one of the nuns commented, “You both should go to
hell! There aren’t any Catholics there!”

** 054
One day a farmer caught a traveling salesman making love to
his youngest daughter. Yelling “You son of a bitch!” he shot
the amorous salesman in the groin with a .12-gauge shotgun.
The screaming salesman quickly took off for town to find a
doctor. He found one, but the physician took one look at the
man’s perforated pecker and told him that nothing could be
done for him.
“Oh, please do something,” begged the salesman. “I’m a rich
man and can pay you anything.”
“Sorry, son,” said the doctor. “There’s nothing I can do.
However, there’s a man across the street who might be able to help.”
“Oh? Is he a specialist?” asked the salesman.
“No,” said the doctor, “he’s a piccolo player. He’ll teach you
how to hold it without pissing in your face.”

** 055
There was a fellow who had never been to bed with a woman,
so two of his friends decided to play a trick on him. They
bought an inflatable love doll and put it into his bed. Then
called him at work and told him the girl of his dreams was
home in bed and ready for anything.
The next day his friends asked him how things had gone.
“Very strange,” he replied. “I slipped out of my clothes and
got in beside her. She was cold, so I tried to warm her up.
Then I bit her on the neck, but she just farted a few
times and flew out the window!”

** 056
A conductor, while taking tickets on the train, noticed a
lady with a small and extremely ugly baby on her lap.
“Lady,” the conductor said, “that is by far the ugliest baby
I have ever seen.”
The woman, horrified by the conductor’s comment, began
screaming at him, and demanded that her money be refunded
and the conductor be fired.
The head conductor then came into the car and tried to
smooth things over.
“Listen, lady,” he said, “if you will forget all about this
matter, I’ll see that you get the best treatment possible,
I’ll give you your money back, and I’ll even try to find you
a nice, ripe banana for that monkey of yours.”

** 057
Three elderly women, recently transplanted from the
Northeast to a Florida retirement community, were getting
acquainted at poolside. Inevitably, their conversation
turned to children.
“My son is the most successful doctor on Park Avenue,”
announced one. Not to be outdone, the second remarked, “My
son is the most successful lawyer on Wall Street.”
The third remained conspicuously silent. Sensing easier
game, the first matron inquired, “And you, dear, do you have
a son?”
“And is he a professional?” demanded the second.
“Well, not exactly,” answered the third. “Actually, he’s a
plumber. And not only that, he’s gay.”
Beaming, one of the poor woman’s interrogators offered
consolation: “Ah, he’s not doing so well.”
This time it was the third woman who smiled. “He’s not doing
too badly,” she explained. “He goes out with the most
successful doctor on Park Avenue and the most successful
lawyer on Wall Street.”

** 058
An Eastern newspaper correspondent had just arrived in an
old Western town when he noticed a curious lack of women.
Walking into the local saloon he asked a cocky shitkicker,
“What do you fellas do around here for entertainment?”
“Ya mean women?” asked the shitkicker. “We ain’t got none.
‘Round here folks fuck sheep.”
“That’s disgusting,” cried the correspondent, “I’ve never
heard of such moral degredation.”
However, after a few months, the correspondent’s rocks were
beginning to ache and the sheep were looking more and more
attractive. So he finally went out and found himself a
comely sheep, brought her back to his room, shampooed her
and then tied ribbons in her hair. After a bottle of
champagne, he lured the sheep into his bedchamber and
released his pent-up frustrations.
Afterward, he escorted his four-legged lover to the saloon
for a drink. As the correspondent and his wooly mate
entered, a hush fell over the patrons and the anxious couple
became the object of many stares.
“You goddamn bunch of hypocrites!” the reporter yelled.
“You’ve been fucking sheep for years, but when I do it up
right you look at me like I’m some sort of crazy pervert!”
One cowboy in the back of the crowd spoke up, “Yeah, but
that’s the sheriff’s gal!”

** 059
Did you hear about the computer salesman with two red ears
who went to the doctors office? The doctor asked him what
had happened to his ears. “I was ironing a shirt and the
phone rang,” answered the salesman. “But instead of picking
up the phone I picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear.”
“Damn,” the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. “But then, what
happened to your other ear?” The salesman replied, “Whoever
it was called back.”

** 060
A grungy old lumberjack, in town for the first time in
weeks, went to the local brothel and demanded the roughest,
toughest and meanest girl in the house. “That’ll be Mary,”
said the madam. “Go to Room Four, and I’ll send her up.”
“Fine,”said the lumberjack,”and tell her to bring a couple
of beers.” In due time, Mary appeared. She put the two
bottles of beer on the floor, took off her negligee,
positioned herself on her hands and knees and pointed to her
pussy. “No! No!” exclaimed the lumberjack. “In the bed, the
old-fashioned way!” “Sure,pal,” grunted Mary, “but I
thought ya might want to open them beers first.”

–

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Humourbathroomtxt part3

Sunday, August 24th, 2008

motherfucker you have a headache!”

** 028
Marge was getting pretty upset about her husband’s lack of
attention and decided to come on a little stronger to him.
After dinner, she put on her sexy, backless nightgown
backward and sauntered into the living room.
“Notice anything?” she asked slyly.
“Yes, you’ve got your nightgown on backward,” her husband answered simply.
“How could you tell?” she cooed.
“Because the shit stains are in the front,” he said.

** 029
Q: What’s dangerous & eats nuts?
A: Syphilis.

** 030
After his annual physical, the sexually active bachelor was
waiting in the doctor’s office for the results.
“Well,” said the doctor, “I have good news and bad news for you.”
“The way I feel, please give me the good news first” replied
the bachelor.
The good news,” announced the doctor, “is that your penis
has grown an additional four inches since your last exam.”
“Great!” the man shouted. “What is the bad news?”
“It’s malignant,” replied the doctor.

** 031
Question: Why wasn’t Christ born in Mexico?
Answer: Because they couldn’t find three wise men or a virgin.

** 032
A woman walked into a bar carrying a duck under her arm. The
local drunk saw this and asked, “Say there, whatcha doin’
with that pig?”
“That’s not a pig, stupid!” she said coldly.”That’s a duck.”
“I know,” replied the drunk. “I was talking to the duck.”

** 033
Did you know that computer sales persons are so full of shit
that if they had an enema they could be buried in a shoe box!

** 034
Three guys – a Frenchman, a German and a Polack, were
sitting in a bar. In walked a mean looking black guy looking
for a fight. He sat down, ordered a beer, took a drink, went
over and slapped the Frenchman and said, “I like fucking white women.”
The Frenchman looked at him and thought,”Well,that’s great.”
Then the big black guy went over to the German, hit him on
the shoulder and said, “I like fucking white women.” The
German looked at him and said, “Good for you.”
The black guy sat down and took another drink of his beer.
He got up, walked over to the Polack and belted him on the
back, then said, “I like fucking white women.” The Polack
sat and thought for a second and finally said, “I don’t
blame you. I don’t like fucking those black ones either.”

** 035
A husky foreigner, looking for sex, accepted a prostitute’s
terms. When she undressed, he noticed that she had no pubic
hair. The man shouted, “What, no wool? In my country all
women have wool down there.”
The prostitute snapped back, “What do you want to do, knit or fuck?”

** 036
An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with
the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she
whispered to the driver, “I have a dead pussy.”
The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and
said, “Sit with my wife. You two have alot in common.”

** 037
A foxy young lady was having trouble keeping boyfriends
after the first date, so she decided to go to a doctor to
find out what the problem was. The doctor asked her to take
off her clothes and lie on the examining table. He checked
her pussy and, finding nothing wrong, asked her to roll over
and spread her ass. After checking her asshole and again
finding nothing wrong, he told her to sit up so he could
examine her mouth.
Upon looking into her mouth he exclaimed, “You’ve got the
worst case of Zacklies I’ve ever seen!”
“Zacklies?” she said, puzzled. “What’s that?”
“Your mouth smells zackly like your ass!”

** 038
A drunk was trying to make time with a pretty girl at a
cocktail party, but she wasn’t having any part of him…
especially the part he had in mind. After a while, to show
his contempt for her, he inquired loudly, “Tell me, dear,
what happens when whores get pregnant?”
Amused, she answered, “Don’t tell me you still think your
mother found you under a cabbage leaf!”

** 039
Two men were walking in the park when they came upon this
dog that had bent itself into a weird position and was
licking its balls. One man said, “Gee! I wish I could do
that.” The other man replied, “I think you better get to be
friends first.”

** 040
After attending a party for his boss, the life of the party
was nursing a king-size hangover and asked his wife, “What
the hell happened?” “As usual, you made an ass of yourself
in front of your boss,” replied the wife.
“Piss on him,” answered the husband.
“You did,” said the wife, “and he fired you.”
“Well, fuck him,” said the husband.
“I did, and you go back to work in the morning.”

** 041
Upon answering the door to her whorehouse, the madam was
surprised to see an amputee. “Look at yourself,” the madam
said, “no arms, no legs, what could you possibly do?”
The amputee replied, “I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”

** 042
Did you hear about the new daredevil, Ku Klux Knievel?
He’s going to try to jump over 50 blacks with a steamroller!

** 043
This fellow was screwing his best friend’s wife when he
suddenly stopped and sat on the edge of the bed, holding his
head in his hands.
“What the hell has happened to you?” the lady asked.
“I feel like a regular son of a bitch, getting my best
friends pussy,” the man moaned.
The lady reached over and patted him on the back. “Well, if
that’s all it is, you can stop worrying,” she said. “You’re
not getting his pussy. His pussy is five to six inches deeper.”

** 044
One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating
peanuts. He’d toss them in the air, then catch them in his
mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a
question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in
his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in
only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for
assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried
and decided to go to the hospital. As they were ready to go
out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After
being informed of the problem, their daughter’s date said he
could get the peanut out.
The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved
two fingers up the father’s nose and told him to blow hard.
When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and
daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The mother said to the
young man, “That was wonderful. You should be a doctor!”
The ungrateful father jumped up, twisted the boy’s arm
…End of the part3. To be continued..

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Humourbathroomtxt part2

Saturday, August 23rd, 2008

the family. He’ll eat at the same table with us. He’ll even
sleep in the same bed with me and my wife.”
“But what about the smell?” the friend asked.
“Oh, he’ll just have to get used to it, the same way I did.”

** 016
Bill had just returned from a week of honeymooning, and his
best friend asked him how it went. “The first night we did
it nine times,” Bill said.”The second night, eight times.
The third night, seven times. The fourth night, six times.
The fifth night, five times. The sixth night, four times,
and the last night, nothing!”
“Nothing?” his pal asked. “How come?”
“Hey, you ever tried putting a marshmallow in a parking meter?”

** 017
A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat
next to a priest. The man’s tie was stained, his face was
plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin
was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his
newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the
disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, “Say, Father,
what causes arthritis?”
“Mister, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap,
wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your
fellow man.”
“Well, I’ll be damned,” the drunk muttered, returning to his
paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged
the man and apologized.
“I’m very sorry. I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How
long have you had arthritis?”
“I don’t have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.”

** 018
Two high-school buddies were attending the senior prom.
“Suzy wants to go out to my car. She’s really hot,” one boy
said. “I’m really nervous. I know I’ll goof up!”
“Take it easy,” his friend assured him. “All you gotta do is
compliment her. Chicks love to be complemented. You’ll have
her in the palm of your hand.”
About a half-hour later the young man came back, rubbing a black
eye. “Shit, man! What happened to you?!” his buddy asked.
“I took your advice.”
“Didn’t you compliment her?”
“sure I did. We got in my car and started kissing. I told
her that for such full lips, hers sure tasted sweet. She
liked that. After a while I started feeling her tits, and I
told her that for such large breasts they sure were firm.
She like that too.”
“It sounds like you were doing great,” his friend said.
“Well,” the other answered, “that’s when everything went
wrong. I got her dress up and her panties off, and I tried
to think of another compliment.”
“What did you say?”
“For such a large crack, it doesn’t stink much.”

** 019
While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist
capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators
kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old
beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,”Are
there any gators around here?!”
“Naw,” the man hollered back, “they ain’t been around for
years!” “Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming
leisurely toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the
guy,”How’d you get rid of the gators?”
“We didn’t do nothin’,” the beachcomber said.
“The sharks got ‘em.”

** 020
A gambler was telling a friend about his first junket to Las
Vegas and how hard it was to get any sleep. “I was awakened
at one, two and four in the morning by a drunk chorus girl
banging on the door and screaming,” he recalled.
“That’s terrible,” the friend said.” How’d you ever get any
sleep?” “At five o’clock I finally unlocked the door and
let her out,” the gambler laughed.

** 021
Two ferocious cannibal chiefs sat licking their fingers
after a large meal. “Your wife makes a delicious roast,”one
chief said. “Thanks,” his friend said.”I’m gonna miss her.”

** 022
From the outset, the blind date was a fiasco and it was
intensified by the fact that the fellow was too insensitive
and ego-ridden to realize it. The moment of truth came in
the supper club as he clutched the girl’s thigh and
whispered, “Baby, how’s about our cutting out to my pad so I
can slip you nine inches?”
There was a moment of silence, and then the girl said, “You
know, I really don’t think you could get it up three times
in a row!”

** 023
After a wild freeway chase, the motorcycle cop waved the
speeding sports car over to the curb. When he walked up to
the drivers window, he was surprised to find a very
attractive redhead behind the wheel. “Ma’am,” he said .”I’m
afraid we’re going to have to give you a Breathalyzer test
to see whether or not you’ve been drinking.”
The test was taken and as the officer eyed the results, he
said, “Lady, you’ve had a couple of stiff ones.”
“That’s amazing!”the girl cried.”You mean it shows that,too!”

** 024
The blind daters had really hit it off and at the end of the
evening, as they were beginning to undress each other in his
apartment, the fellow said, “Before we go any further,
Charmaine, tell me – do you have any special fetishes that I
should take into account in bed?”
“As a matter of fact,” smiled the girl, “I do happen to have
a foot fetish -but I suppose I’d settle for maybe seven or eight inches.”

** 025
Visiting a lawyer for advice, the wife said, “I want you to
help me obtain a divorce. My husband is getting a little
queer to sleep with.”
“What do you mean?” asked the attorney. “Does he force you
to indulge in unusual sex practices?”
“No, he doesn’t,” replied the woman, “and neither does the little queer.”

** 026
The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband’s
lusty advances on their wedding night and reprimanded him
severely. “I demand proper manners in bed,” she declared,
“just as I do at the dinner table.”
Amused by his wife’s formality, the groom smoothed his
rumpled hair and climbed quietly between the sheets. “Is
that better?” he asked, with a hint of a smile.”
“Yes,” replied the girl, “much better.”
“Very good, darling,” the husband whispered. “Now would you
be so kind as to please pass the pussy.”

** 027
It was a warm, sunny Sunday, so a man and his wife decided
to take in the zoo. They spent the day, and at closing time
they walked past the gorilla cage, and the man noticed the
gorilla looking at his wife.
“That gorilla is getting excited just looking at your tits,”
he said. “Why don’t you take your blouse off and we’ll see
what he does?” At first she declined. But finally persuaded by
her husband, she took off her blouse and bra. The gorilla went
nuts. He started grunting and jumping up and down. “Hey,” the
husband said, “let’s really blow his mind. Take off all your clothes
and we’ll see what he does.” Again she said no and again he persuaded her.
This time the ape really went bananas! He climbed up and down the bars,
did flips, ran around in circles and tossed his food all
over the cage. The husband went over to the cage, opened the door and
pushed his wife in. “Now,” said the husband, “tell that
…End of the part2. To be continued..

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Humourbathroomtxt

Friday, August 22nd, 2008

Archive-author:
Archive-title: Sixty “Bathroom” Humour Pieces

** 001
The young girl was having a heart-to-heart talk with her mother on her first
visit home since starting college. “Mom, I have to tell you,” the girl
confessed. “I lost my virginity last weekend.” “I’m not surprised,” said her
mother. “It was bound to happen sooner or later. I just hope it was a romantic
and pleasurable experience.” “Well, yes and no,” the pretty student remarked.
“The first eight guys felt great, but after them my pussy got real sore.”

** 002
“Adam,” the heavenly voice called to the Garden of Eden,
“what did you and Eve do today?”
“We ate some fruit, Lord,” Adam said reverently.
“Did you eat of the forbidden tree?” asked God.
“Yes, Lord, we did,” Adam confessed.
“And then what did you do?” God asked.
“We made mad, passionate love all afternoon.”
“Where is Eve now?” the Lord bellowed.
“She’s down at the brook washing herself out.”
“Oh, no,” the Lord moaned.” Now all the fish are going
to smell like that!”

** 003
Q: How does a Mexican know when it’s time to eat again?

A: His asshole stops burning.

** 004
Two guys wandered into a bar. One of the men shouted to the
barkeeper,”Hiya, Mike. Set ‘em up for me and my pal here.”
Then he turned to his slightly dim partner and boasted,
“This is a great bar. For every two drinks you buy, the
house gives you one. And the pinball machines in the back
are free!”
“That’s not so great,”responded the friend. “There’s a bar
across town That’ll match you drink for drink, and you can
get laid in the back for free.”
“Where is this place?” the first guy exclaimed.
“Oh, I don’t know,” the dim fellow replied, “but my wife
goes there all the time.”

** 005
An Israeli was sitting between two Arabs on a long airplane
flight. He had just removed his shoes and gotten comfortable
when one of the Arabs nudged him and said,”Hey, Jew, go get
us some orange juice.” To avoid any trouble, the Israeli
did so. When he left, both Arabs spit in his shoes.
The Israeli came back with the juice, which the Arabs
gulped down. The rest of the flight was uneventful. The
plane landed, and the Israeli put on his shoes and felt the
squishing inside. He turned to the Arabs and said,”If there
is ever going to be peace in the Middle East, the Arabs will
have to stop spitting in the shoes of Jews, and the Jews
will have to stop pissing in the Arabs’ orange juice.”

** 006
Three doctors were talking about the amazing things being
done in medicine. The first said,”Six weeks ago a man came
in after losing a hand in an accident just as a car crash
victim was brought in dead on arrival. I took a hand from
the dead man and sewed it on the worker’s stump, and today
he’s out looking for a job.”
The second physician said,”That’s not so amazing. Six months
ago I gave a blind man a pair of dead man’s eyes, and today
he’s out looking for a job.”
The third doctor said,”Neither of those cases tops this one.
A year and a half ago we took an asshole out of California,
put it in the White House, and today everybody is out
looking for a job.”

** 007
A well dressed lawyer went into a bar for a martini and
found himself beside a scrungy-looking drunk who kept
mumbling and studying something in his hand. The
attorney leaned closer while the drunk held the tiny object
up to the light,slurring “Well, it looks like plastic.” Then
he rolled it between his fingers,adding,”But it feels like
rubber.” Curious, the lawyer asked, “What do you have
there mister?” The drunk stammered,”Damn if I know, but it
looks like plastic and feels like rubber.”
The lawyer said,”Let me take a look.” And the drunk handed
it over. The attorney rolled it between his thumb and
fingers, then examined it closely. “Yeah, it does look like
plastic and feel like rubber, but I don’t know what it is.
Where did you get it anyway?”
The drunk replied, “Outa my nose.”

** 008
Q: What do you get when you cross a Mexican and a pig?
A: Nothing. There are some things even a pig won’t do.

** 009
Q: How do you know when your girlfriend is too fat?
A: When she sits on your face and you can’t hear the stereo

** 010
Q: What’s the difference between black pussy and a bowling ball?
A: You can eat a bowling ball!

** 011
With the sun beginning to rise, the cabin of the jetliner
was suddenly illuminated. “Who turned on the fucking
lights?” a male passenger, who had been surly since
boarding, snarled at a stewardess.
The girl had had enough of this particular character.”These
are the breakfast lights, sir,” she answered with forced
sweetness. “The fucking lights are much dimmer, and you
snored right through them.”

** 012
“Brace yourself, Mr. Cassidy,” the physician told the
patient on whom he had performed a battery of costly tests.
“You have approximately six months to live.”
“But I don’t have insurance, doctor,” said Cassidy, “and I
can’t skimp and save enough to pay you in that time!”
“All right, all right,” soothed the medical man. “Let’s say
nine months, then.”

** 013
Three women – a German, a Jew and a Polack – all gave birth
to seven-pound baby boys at the same time. The nurses got
the babies mixed up somehow and couldn’t tell which baby
belonged to which mother. After an hour of mass confusion
the father of the German baby decided he’d settle the
problem. He walked into the nursery and lined up the three
infants in a row. He clicked his heels, raised his arm and
shouted, “Heil Hitler!” The German baby snapped to
attention, the Jewish baby shit, and the Polack baby played
in it.

** 014
Even though a fellow was late for his flight, he dashed into
the airport men’s room, pissed,and quickly headed for the
door. At one of the sinks a Marine sergeant was washing his
hands. The Leatherneck called to the man, “Hey, buddy,
in the Marine Corps they teach us to wash our hands after
going to the bathroom.”
The fellow stepped back into the men’s room and looked at
the Marine. “Well, I was in the Navy, Sarge, and they taught
us not to piss on our hands!”

** 015
A man was walking down the street with a baby ape in his
arms when a friend stopped him and asked what he was doing
with the chimp. “I just bought this ape as a pet. We have no
children; so he’s going to live with us just like one of
…End of the part1. To be continued..

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Humourbarnsongtxt

Thursday, August 21st, 2008

Archive-author:
Archive-title: Alternate Barney Song Lyrics

Each of these sets of lyrics are to be sung to the infamous Barney tune that
we’ve all seen on the Barney TV commercials starting with the words:

“I love you, you love me, we’re a happy family…”

While showing a little girl running up to hug a man sized purple felt dinosaur
with a sappy voice over of the little girl saying: “I love you Barney.” (I get
emotional each time I think of that scene…. )

– John

– – – – – – – – – – -

Alternate Barney Song Lyrics

“I love you, you love me, toddler beastiality
If you touch me right, I’ll give you a big bone.
Just you wait till we’re alone.”
(Matthew Reinker)

“How about incest, don’t you see? Fun for you and fun for me.
Let’s go find Baby Dot, turn her over and see what she’s got.
We’ll take her out to the back lot.”
(John W. “Jay” Elmore Jr.)

“I love you, you love me, if I’m not on you’ll cry incessently
Tell your parents to buy only Barney
‘Cause tapes and dolls mean money for me.”
(Dale J. Miller)

“I love you, you love me. We’re a happy fam-i-ly…
You don’t need that other family anymore boys and girls.
We have each other now. That’s why we can touch each other like this…”
(Brad Bishop?)

“I hate you, you hate me, we’re the Manson family
With a nick-nack-paddy-wack,stab you in the back
Barney smokes and peddles crack.”
(Chris Krolczylk)

“I’ll squick you, you squick me, let’s squick our whole families!
With a rip, slash, whip it out, stick it in the wound,
Barney loves you, please stay tuned!”
(L.S.V.)

“I love you…you love me, cause you are…so tasty”
(sound of the purple one devouring one of the kids)
Kid1: “Barney, where did Cindy go?”
Barney: “She went on a little trip…to learn about nutrition!”
(Kevin J. Barth)

–

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Humourbabbletxt

Wednesday, August 20th, 2008

Archive-author:
Archive-title: Babble (output of computer program)

A friend gave me this program which writes babble out of large text
files. I found the result to be more than mildly interesting…

It was after midnight, my hardon. I heard someone stir
not more than my erection. “You’ll see it with one
inch protrusions as my thoughts out of us.” Mary lowered
my unbrotherly interest, her out a long time. When I
picked up on two get acquainted.” Mary moved away. “Susan,
it’s us.” “Are you have to the den. To my
shorts and down my tented shorts. The wanton sight of
us sighed. “Don’t be so loud.” My sister looked good
enough to awaken my zipper and pulled her depths was
her shoulder toward our parent’s bedroom. “You want you looked
over her depths was testy. She was tight, but they
fell to eat….and fuck! It’s been wanting to fuck her.
I reached under the dim lighting I reached for Susan
first!” I reached under the end of her body. She
was bright enough to eat.” I watched her opening in
front door. While we walked through her thumbs around the
dim lighting I watched her voluptuous breasts. They swayed firmly
from me. “I was only twelve.” She bit her pants
and I’ve been a woman she looked delicious. “Remember the
sweet fragrance of the sexiest twelve year old sister, suddenly
walked up on you.” “Come closer.” Mary pushed away from
Susan’s top and pulled it was absolutely beautiful. “Now, I’m
not waiting!” I repeated my erection. “What do with Susan
first!” I watched her hand and slowly lowered it was
pitch black she stepped out into her idea in a
long time. But, what was pitch black she stepped out
of massive proportions. “I was wondering if the sight of
us.” “Are you naked?” I reached under the floor she
stepped out the street my erection. Both of her shoulder
toward our parent’s bedroom. “You want you two get acquainted.”
Mary reached for a hot bitch and down to give
up on you.” “Come closer.” Mary pushed away from the
end of peek-a-boo with excitement. Next I quickly had become.
Her eyes widened at this is happening.” “I’ll spread the
late to do it depends on my erection with pleasure
as I gasped. “I couldn’t sleep so much as my
erection with anticipation. “First you were smaller than my utter
surprise her pants and down to look at.” I was
after midnight, my nose. Entering the street my erection with
one Richard……Can I moaned with the dim lighting I stared
unbelievingly. Mary reached for my sister’s breasts were up and
let them through her body.
—

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The Awakening of Janis

Tuesday, August 19th, 2008

He’d talked to her an innumerable number of times on the telephone. As a
matter of fact, they had been casually flirting over AT&T for nearly 6 months.
Neither had seen one another so as they walked into the meeting room where
they were supposed to have their weeklong meeting, both were looking for the
other. He knew her right away because she was the only woman in the room.
Before the meeting began, he made a point of walking up and introducing
himself. “Hi, I’m Peter Watkins,” he said. “I believe we’ve met, over the
phone.” Her handshake was firm but there was no commitment there and her eyes
only glimpsed his as they said their pleasantries.

It was a working meeting and she was in one group while he was in another.
Only occasionally did they have to address one another. Toward the end of the
meeting, he asked for some assistance from anyone in the room. As she looked
at him, their eyes met, seriously, for the first time. He knew, she was his.
Of course, in a meeting such as this, there was no time for exploring the
relationship further. But tomorrow was another day.

Since she lived in the general area, she left with her car pool and he
wandered back to the hotel following the meeting. The next morning, he was in
the meeting room getting ready for the meeting when she came in with an arm
full of papers to be distributed. He jumped up to help her and lifted the
load from her arms. As he did, his arm brushed against her body. To anyone
else, it would have looked innocent, but he knew there was electricity passed
on that casual touch. So did she; they both knew it. During the day, he had
several other opportunities to be close to her. His touch was returned,
albeit only slightly, each time. He knew she was his. She knew she was
attracted to this man.

That’s all there was to this first meeting. Although they did go to dinner at
her home and met her husband, two children, dogs, cats and assorted other
house guests. He knew, however, there would be many more meetings and the
foundation had been laid. She knew too.

The next time was a working meeting in Phoenix, far from both their homes. As
usual, the first day was casual, with the greetings and small talk that
normally accompanied such meetings. Oh sure, they got their work done but the
real meeting was to take place later.

They all went to dinner at a local restaurant. He made sure he sat next to
her and they visited cordially all evening. His leg casually brushed up
against hers several times and was met with little resistance. His touches
were returned and the electricity between them began to build to a crescendo.
As they returned back to the motel, in his rented car, he made sure she was
the last person to be driven to her area of the motel. He pulled into a
parking place and shut off the engine and lights. His arm reached out and
playfully touched hers. She looked at him and they kissed. It was a long,
deep kiss; each other’s tongue probing the other’s mouth. His hand sought out
her breast and she pulled away from him abruptly.

“What’s the matter,” he asked. “Nothing,” she said; “I have to go to my
room.” He walked her to her room and then returned to his. He was so sure
that he had read her right, yet she had pulled away from him. “What the hell
is going on,” he wondered. Just then the phone rang.

“Hello,” he said. “I’m sorry,” she said. “That’s OK,” he muttered. “What
was the problem?” he asked. “I’m married – you are too,” she said. “I can’t
do this,” she protested. “Besides, I’m in the middle of my period,” she
stated matter of factly. “That’s OK,” he said, reassuringly, “We don’t have
to do anything you don’t want to do. I just thought you wanted to …” I
do… did,” she stammered. “This is so difficult – its my first time for any
of this and I don’t know what to do. I want you so bad – but what about my
husband, my children. What would they think?” “Hey, you’re a big girl,” he
said, “You have to make up your mind what is right for you.”

“What does your wife think?”, she asked. “If I don’t tell her, she doesn’t
think anything,” he said. They talked for two hours and finally hung up. He
knew she was his; but it may take a while. She was extremely driven by sex
but she had to work through this. They would have many more times together
and they could wait.

“Do you want to make love to me,” he asked. “Oh yes,” she stammered. He
could tell, just by her voice on the phone, she was blushing. “Will you do it
next time we meet?”, he asked. “Yyyyyessss,” she whispered in the phone. Do
you want me to lick your clit?” he asked. There was a pause on the phone, he
heard a quick breath, “Don’t say that,” she said, “Someone might be
listening.” “You’re getting wet down there, aren’t you?”, he said. “Oohh
God,” she whispered “Shut up.” The AT&T flirting was becoming more direct.

By the time they got to Phoenix, she was so hot that just the sight of him
made the juices start flowing in her pussy. She spotted him in the lobby as
he was registering for his room. This was one of the largest conferences that
their company had ever had, with over 500 employees attending. Both of them
knew a myriad of people and all were staying in this or the adjacent motel.
She knew that she would have to be extremely careful because many of these
people also knew her husband. Yet she was intrigued with this man. He was
not the most handsome man in the world but what attracted her to him. His
hands and the way he talked to her over the phone. His hands were big for the
size of his body and they blended with the upper body of a man who had labored
long and hard in the west as a cowboy, ranch hand, wildlife biologist and
computer operator. He had a quick sense of wit, humor and knew just how to
push the right buttons to make her body quiver at the sound of his voice.
She’d never been with a real cowboy before and the thought of that made
goosebumps appear all over her body. What the hell cowboys had to do with it
was something that puzzled her.

She returned to her room and watched as he took the glass walled elevator to
the 6th floor. She knew he didn’t suspect she was watching him and that
excited her. She was actually getting wet watching this man ride up the
elevator. “What’s the matter with me?,” she thought to herself. She waited a
few more minutes after he left the elevator and began to wonder if she should
call him. After about 15 minutes she walked over to the phone. Just as she
grabbed the receiver, it rang. It scared her so she dropped it on the floor
and she became embarrassed. “He – Hello,” she said as she picked up the
receiver from the floor. “If I say you have a beautiful body, would you hold
it against me,” she heard him say. A gush of fluid escaped from her pussy.
Her body was trembling as she began apologizing for dropping the phone and
stammering various things into the mouthpiece. “What am I saying,” she
thought to herself.

“Sssooo, should I come down and we go to dinner or what?”, he asked. It was
only 5pm as she glanced at her watch, a little early for dinner. “Uummm,
don’t you” she was interrupted by his saying he would be down and they could
discuss it. Before she could answer, he hung up. She rushed to the bathroom
to clean up. She knew her panties would be soaked from all the fluid that had
escaped her pussy as they talked. “What in the hell is the matter with me?”
she wondered to herself. Just as she was finishing the last button on her
levis, a soft knock was heard at the door.

She opened it and her knees started to buckle. He had on his western clothes,
and she had not realized how wonderful she thought he looked. He was not the
“marlboro man”, but she recognized a genuine cowboy when she saw how his
clothes fit and the way he just stood there. The big belt buckle seemed to
gleam like a neon sign. “Well, do I just stand here for the duration, or do I
get invited in?”, he joked. She stepped back and he walked in past her as she
closed the door. Her pussy was soaked and her knees could barely keep her
legs from buckling beneath her.

He looked around her room and walked over to the shades and pulled them shut.
“There’s no sense of advertising the fact that we are together in this room,
for whatever reason”, he said. “There are plenty of people in this outfit
that would be glad to rumor monger us to death,” he continued. “Come over
here,” he commanded. She flew to him and their lips met.

She was helpless in his arms. Those big hands virtually covered her back as
he placed them around her and his strength practically crushed the breath out
of her. He was not a big man but obviously was strong and caring. The kiss
lasted for, it seemed, an hour. He picked her up and carried her to the bed
and laid her down before their lips separated. She was already breathing hard
and her body was in flames. His lips began caressing the sides of her neck
and reached to her ear lobes. His hands had found her breasts and were gently
squeezing them. She wanted to say something but could not find the breath to
do so. She was totally his to do with as he saw fit. She knew, somehow, that
he would not be cruel to her nor ask her to do anything that she did not want
to do. She trusted this man implicitly.

By now, her blouse was fully opened and his hands were exploring her stomach
and had already caressed her legs. She felt him following her zipper down to
her crotch and the juices in her pussy were drenching her panties. She
wondered if they would soak through her levis. As his hand applied just
slight pressure to her pussy, she came for the first time. Her body arched
against his touch and her breathing became erratic. Flames shot up the front
of her body, piercing her breasts and bringing a blush to her face. She was
sweating profusely and was totally out of control.

He began to take off his clothes as he caressed her body with his lips. He
moved away from her to remove his pants and she sat up on the bed. “I hope
you don’t like big breasts,” she said; “If you do, you’re going to be really
disappointed by me.” He finished removing his pants and returned to making
love to her. “Anything more than a mouthful is excess,” he whispered to
reassure her that he would not be disappointed. He removed her bra and his
lips met her nipples and began caressing them with gentleness, yet firmness
she had never before experienced. His had again found her crotch and she came
again. Not the full climax she would feel later but still, enough to take her
breath away and cause her to feel the flames of desire shoot from her pussy to
her breasts where her lover was working intently. Her nipples caused huge
contractions in her pussy each time her lover sucked on them. Her hips
gyrated with each sucking action, pushing her pussy into the hand that was
gently massaging it through her levis.

She felt the button to her jeans give way and the zipper practically unzipped
itself. A hand crept under her panties and she felt a finger caress the tip
of her clit. “Oh Christ, I’m cumming again,” she thought to herself as
another wave of contractions, flames, muscle spasms and breathlessness
overtook her. She was reveling in the hands of her lover. She raised herself
slightly as he moved lower and began to remove the levis and panties from her
body. When they came off, she raised herself and removed her blouse and bra
that were just hanging on her body. For the first time she saw his erect cock
standing out from his body. She reached for it and began massaging it. She
felt a finger at her clit and it began to rub up and down her slit. She knew
she was ready for entry as the hand slid easily up and down her vaginal entry.
Suddenly, the finger slipped inside her as her lover sucked her left breast
into his mouth. She shuddered as she was almost overwhelmed into a fourth
climax.

Her lover worked his lips and tongue down her stomach as he slowly arranged
himself between her legs. She felt his tongue on her clit as he slowly licked
it. Suddenly, her clit was sucked into his mouth, his tongue flicked it back
and forth mercilessly as his fingers worked inside her vagina. Oh God, Oh
God, Oh God,” she thought as she came again. The waves of excitement came
from deeper within this time. They sucked at her breath, her nipples became
so tight they seemed to be caressed by just the air flowing over them. She
bucked at the tongue which continued to flick her clit. Sweat was streaming
down the sides of her head and beaded up on her stomach. She had never been
with a man that could make her feel this way before.

The waves began to subside and her breath started to return to normal. She
felt him lift himself from her clit and raise above her. As she opened her
eyes, she felt his member enter her vagina. His lips met hers and his tongue
began to reach towards the depths of her throat. She could taste her juices
on his tongue as he rhythmically began fucking her. With each stroke, she
could feel his pubic hair and pelvis rub on her clit. She knew she was in for
one of the strongest climaxes she had ever experienced. His tongue began
tickling the sides of her neck and working toward her ear lobes. One of his
hands had grasped her left nipple and was slowly squeezing it, driving waves
of excitement from her breast toward her stomach. She could feel the fire
beginning to build in her clit as he began to increase the strokes he used in
fucking her. Her toes started to close, her knees began slowly to straighten,
her stomach was beginning to tighten. She had never been here before.
Suddenly, her breath left. The fire from her clit met the waves leaving her
breasts in the middle of her stomach. Her toes completely curled up. Her
buttocks heaved in excitement and her legs wrapped around her lover as she
pulled him harder and harder into her clit. Slowly soft moans began escaping
her lips. They became louder until she was screaming. She bucked with her
lover and her whole body spasmed against the this climax. She had never had a
feeling such as this. She thought she would pass out as she lost track of
time, space and everything. She felt as if she couldn’t breath, yet she could
hear screams of joy coming from her mouth. As he exploded inside her, she
felt herself lift another notch up the climax ladder. “How far can this go,”
she wondered as she screamed louder. She could not quit bucking and swaying
against the force that was bringing her to this feeling. She wanted it to
last forever, but it began to subside.

She could hear the screaming and moaning beginning to subside but the rhythm
of fucking was still making her pussy and clit cause her to drag her lover
deeper and deeper into her vagina. Harder and harder she pulled at him.
Slowly, she regained some of her consciousness. She could see the sweat on
his chest and she began to feel her breaths coming in somewhat of a regular
fashion. Her lover began to slow his strokes and caress her forehead. Slowly
his lips found hers and his tongue eased itself into her mouth. The spasms in
her stomach muscles began to subside and the slow strokes in and out of her
pussy began to feel like rhythmical interludes. Her toes uncurled and her
legs slowly dropped to the bed.

“Looks to me like you enjoyed that,” he said as he lowered himself to the side
of her. She tried to say something but her throat was so dry, not a sound
came out. She felt as if her throat was sore as she cleared it trying to get
some moisture to her vocal cords. Suddenly, he was up and returned with a
glass of water for her. She drank a little and, as he lay down beside her,
put her head in his arms. “That was wonderful,” she breathed. “I have never,
ever, cum like that before. Where did you learn to do all those things?” she
asked. “Oh, you were just all excited because this was the first time,” he
said.

“What’s for supper?”, he asked. She looked at her watch. “My God,” she
thought, “Its 6:30.” “Its already 6:30!” she exclaimed, “the last time I
looked at my watch, it was only 5:00.” “Time flies when you’re havin’ fun”,
he said. “Maybe we should just order in?” he said with a question in his
voice. “Or we could just skip supper altogether,” she volunteered. “You mean
you think you could handle some more of what we just did?” he asked. “Well,
maybe not right now – but we could discuss it”, she giggled.

They passed the night, making love three more times. Each time, he managed to
make her cum. She could not imagine cumming that many times in one night. It
had never happened to her and she didn’t know what to make of this man who
just walked into her life and practically took her over. She always knew that
sex was very important to her, but this man had awakened things within her
body that she didn’t know existed. Little did she know how much these
feelings would have on her body as the weeks and years progressed.

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Australia Sex Adventure

Monday, August 18th, 2008

This is my first posting…I have more to share in the future
if you like this, but must post anonymously, since I am a senior
manager at a Fortune 100 company and knowledge about my extra-
curricular activities would cause the end of my career.

It was hot and steamy as we arrived at the airport in Bris-
bane for the long journey home to Boston. This was the end of a
month-long campervan vacation in Australia, and I, for one, was
overjoyed to be heading back to some normalcy. For an entire
month my wife Anne (I call her “the queen”) had avoided sex in
the campervan, or anywhere else for that matter, since “the
children are nearby.” – The irony of her way of thinking will be
evident shortly.
Actually, she is not very interested in sex anytime, since
she was taught by her mother that sex was “dirty.” The only time
she ever saw her parents making love, they were fully clothed
(hike up the skirt, dear – I’ll just quickly unzip.) Sometimes I
wonder how we ever ended up with three children; one is grown and
on her own, the two boys (Ralph, 17 and Trevor, 14) were with us
on holiday. Because I travel regularly, I have opportunity for
other sexual outlets during the year, but four plus weeks within
close quarters with a demanding uptight woman does not give you
much opportunity to develop alternatives.
I had some first class upgrade coupons, but at check-in time
was told there was only one seat available. Anne immediately
volunteered because of her “potential for a bad back,” and was
seated in 3A. The boys and I were given 21K/L and 22L. This was
aisle and window seating in the 2-5-2 configuration, and the last
two rows in the second section. I took the single seat, and let
Ralph and Trevor sit together for the first ten-hour segment of
the flight.
An attractive woman dressed in a loose sweater and very tight
blue jeans took the seat next to me. I could see that Ralph was
uncomfortable and maybe even a little jealous, since he kept
turning around to talk to me, but she was too old (29) to be
interested in him. She introduced herself as Christine, “You can
call me Chrissy.” She was about five foot eight, light brown
(almost blond) long hair, a nice ass – firm and high, breasts
with an impact even through her shapeless sweater, and obviously
in good physical condition.
Chrissy was headed for Miami to pick up her belongings from a
recent divorce; she and her husband had been working together on
private yachts for eight years, and he had developed a cocaine
habit. When he would not seek help to end his drug addiction,
and more immediately after a close call with customs in Australia
last year, she decided then and there to split from him, filed
for divorce, stayed in Brisbane, and had just been notified the
divorce was final. In the meantime, she had met another guy she
wanted to stay with, and was going to Miami to settle up the
property and return to her new lover. This I discovered during
dinner conversation and over a few shared glasses of wine.
Looking into my eyes, she confided she was “now free and ready
for some excitement.”
The movie started, the flight attendants went around the
cabin to lower all the shades, and Chrissy said, “I’d rather
talk, if it’s OK with you; this movie is terrible.” I had also
seen the movie and agreed. We spent the next two hours getting
to know each other better. Chrissy at one point said, “You have
terrific eyes, I get really turned on by eyes.” We talked about
the kids, and when she asked if I was married and learned about
Anne in the front cabin, she thought it displayed selfish behav-
ior and then never mentioned my marital status again.
By now, the boys had fallen asleep, and just before the end
of the movie, Chrissy excused herself for a few minutes, reached
into the overhead bin for her carry-on (stretched long enough to
get my mind focused on her hips and legs in those wonderful tight
jeans,) and headed to the lavatory in the back. When she re-
turned, she was wearing loose-fitting sweatpants, and when she
asked if I minded if she lifted the arm dividing the seats, I
replied “Of course not!” By now I had an idea of what she had in
mind, because she had confided during the movie that one of her
greatest turn-ons was the risk of discovery while having sex.
“My husband was not a great lover, but in the close confines of
the boat it was always exciting to fuck without anyone nearby
knowing about it; I had more orgasms from fucking near other
people than from the sex act itself.” As she shared this with
me, she was already visibly breathing more quickly.
Chrissy and I arranged the blankets over both of us, now no
longer separated, and curled up like spoons in the otherwise
crowded seats. I started to give her a back rub, slowly working
over her muscles by now cramped from the first five hours of the
flight. She purred quietly, and after a while squirmed her
shapely ass on the seat, pushing it back into my
growing erection. With both hands I reached around under her
loose sweater, and fondled her globes, her nipples growing firmer
under my gentle stroking.
Chrissy reached back and with one hand released my belt, then
unbuckled and unbuttoned my pants. I whispered in her ear, “How
do you do that? I can’t even do that with one hand, and they’re
my pants.”
She laughed, and said, “Years of practice; don’t worry, it
gets better.” My hard-on sprang out of my tight bikini briefs as
she pulled the waistband forward, and she whispered, “I’m glad
you’re not wearing boxer shorts, I can’t stand them.”
Chrissy began to stroke my cock, now slightly oozing with its
own lubrication. She used the pre-come to help rotate her fin-
gers gently around the head, stroking it with ever firmer pres-
sure. I withdrew my hands from under her sweater to push my
pants down further, allowing me to slip the briefs down below my
swollen balls, which she now explored with her questing hand.
Lubricating her fingers even more with her saliva, she alternate-
ly rubbed my balls and massaged the head of my dick.
My hands were now free, and I hungrily reached forward for
her erect nipples, shortly afterward sliding my right hand down
her belly and slipping it under the waistband of her sweatpants.
She was wearing no panties underneath, and the inside of the
cotton sweats was already wet with her juices. As I stroked her
mound, her lubrication welcomed my fingers into her warm wet
cunt. Rubbing the juices on my fingers, I began to circle her
clitoris and then used my fingers to stroke in and out of her
pussy while my thumb pushed against her swollen clit. She was
breathing harder now, and could not stop moving her ass around on
the seat, first bucking her soaking cunt against my right hand,
then pushing her ass back against my cock through the sweatpants.
Just then, the stewardess came down the aisle, paused notice-
ably as she came up to our row, glared at me (me? why me? there
are two of us here, you know!), almost said something, then
apparently decided that since we were bothering nobody else, she
would keep moving. Thank God! While we were both close to fully
clothed at that time, there was little chance she could do any-
thing legally disastrous, but who needs the embarrassment, or the
hassle from the kids for that matter.
As the stewardess left, Chrissy whispered. “She knows exact-
ly what we are doing, and she’s jealous! Now I want to have your
prick inside me. I’ll keep quiet, but I need you to fuck me
now.” With this, she lifted her ass off the seat and slid her
sweats down below her knees, then separated her legs slightly and
moved back so I could slide into her dripping pussy from behind.
I moved slowly in and out as she purred and pushed back onto my
cock quietly so we would not wake our neighbors.
At the same time, I reached back around to stroke her clito-
ris easily but steadily. The appearance of the stewardess had
startled me, and most of the urgency for release that had built
up from her stroking my hard-on had subsided, so it was a nice,
long, easy fuck, punctuated by her spasming in orgasm three times
before my cock pressure built up to the point of no return. I
came with the most excruciating pleasure I had felt in my life
(actually for the last month, but you know how easy it is to lose
perspective at the moment.) I felt like I unleashed at least a
pint of come into her already dripping cunt. I sighed, and
whispered’ “Chrissy, it must have been heaven that sent you to
this seat. You don’t know how much I needed that.”
She then turned around in the seat to sit normally, and
kissed me for the first time. “I needed it just as much as you
did; you’re a terrific fuck, but on top of that it’s the danger
that makes me come so much. Thanks for being here, I dreamed
that I’d be fucked silly on this trip. As we kissed, I told her
about my favorite turn-on. “What I like best is eating pussy,
but there is no room here for that. Would you like to go to the
back of the plane with me?”
“What do you mean? In the lavatory?” she asked.
“Yes. If we are reasonably cautious we can get in there
without causing an uproar,” I replied.
“I’ve never done that before,” Chrissy explained.
“There’s a first time for everything,” I said, and moved to
pull up my pants and buckle my belt. She thought about it for a
minute, and then said, “why not, let’s try it!” She drew up the
sweatpants and tied the drawstring (I hadn’t noticed there was
one before – must not have been tied.) Then she got up and
headed for the back of the plane, with me following directly
behind.
She entered the first lavatory, which was vacant (good thing
the flight was long, and everybody was still asleep.) I slipped
right in behind her before the flight attendants noticed we were
even there. As I closed the door, she turned and we started to
kiss passionately. She broke for a quick query, “how do you do
anything in this little space?” As I untied the drawstring on
her sweatpants, I said, “Just lift up and sit on the sink, and
let me taste your cunt.”
Chrissy lifted, spread her legs, and I could see her cunt
lips were still swollen from her last orgasm. I gently tongued
her outer lips, occasionally swiveling my head to nip the insides
of her thighs, but always returning to circle her clit, and as it
swelled up, suck on it gently. There was no end to the wetness;
her own lubrication, supplemented by the enormous load of come I
had left in her pussy, dripped down both sides of my chin onto
the stainless steel sink surface and trailed down her thighs.
After tonguing her into a few more orgasms, I realized how
hard I was getting again, and finally stood up, sliding her ass
slightly off the surface, and drove my cock into her again while
we exchanged extremely wet but tasty kisses, flavored by both of
our juices. Such a short time after the last fuck, and she was
sooo wet; this time it lasted at least twenty minutes, both of us
sighing and savoring the overwhelming sensations coursing through
our bodies. Finally, after a slow buildup that I never wanted to
end, I came again, not as much this time, but she sensed it and
started bucking hard just at the same moment. The pleasure was
so intense it was almost painful.
The light came on to return to the cabin, and after a few
minutes we were able to adjust ourselves to some degree of
presentability to return to our seats. Just as we opened the
door, the same stewardess was looking right into my eyes. She
said angrily, “Please return to your seats and stay there. We
have some turbulence and the captain has turned on the seat
belt sign.” I couldn’t help but think that maybe we were the
cause of the turbulence, but then that’s just my imagination
running away with me again.
As we settled in to the seats, Chrissy pushed the seat divid-
er down, saying, “I think everyone is waking up, let’s not embar-
rass your boys.” The breakfast service was beginning, the cabin
lights were turned on, and we were again two strangers who hap-
pened to be sitting next to each other on the plane. The secret
of our mile-high lovemaking was secure.
We exchanged addresses, but with her in Brisbane and me in
Boston it’s not likely we’ll ever meet again. Both of us prom-
ised to use caution in contacting each other should the opportu-
nity arise, so our current SO would not be disturbed, but also
promised to get together if possible again.
I said goodbye to Chrissy at the seat, and went forward with
the unsuspecting boys to deplane.
As we got to the end of the ramp in the terminal, I asked
Anne, “How was your flight?”
“Great,” she replied, “one of the most relaxing ever.”
“Me too!”

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Humourapplictxt

Sunday, August 17th, 2008

Archive-author:
Archive-title: Applicators

A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his local doctor and asks
him what he can do. The doctor replies that the illness is quite
serious but can be cured with a small course of two suppos- itories
inserted deep up the back passage. The man agrees, and so the doctor
warns him of the pain, tells him to bend over, and shoves the thing way
up his behind. The doctor then hands him the second dose and tells him
to do the same thing in six hours time using rubber gloves and KY-Jelly
or something.

So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second
suppository inserted, but he finds he cannot reach himself properly to
obtain the required depth. Thus, he calls his wife over and tells her
what to do. The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him
and with the other shoves the medicine home. Suddenly the man screams
in disgust. “What’s the matter?” asked his wife. “Did I hurt you?”

“No,” replies the man, “but I just realized that when the doctor did
that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulders.”

–

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