Chemists do it periodically on table
Chemists do it in an excited state.
Chemisty majors do it experimentally.
Chess Masters mate in two
Chess players do it with knights/kings/queens/bishops/mates.
Chessplayers check their mates.
Chiropractors do it by manipulation.
Civil Engineers do it by reinforcing it.
Civil engineers do it with an erection.
Civil engineers do it in the dirt.
Clerics do it with their gods.
Clock makers do it mechanically
Clowns do it for laughs.
Cobol programmers do it with bugs
Cocktail waitresses serve highballs.
Comedians do it for a laugh.
Commodities traders do it in the pits.
Communications majors do it with their mouths.
Communists do it without class.
Computer Scientists do it byte by byte
Computer game players just can’t stop.
Computer operators get the most out of their software.
Computer scientists simulate doing it.
Computer scientists automate it.
Conenl Sanders does it, and then licks his fingers.
Congressmen do it in the house.
Construction workers lay a better foundation.
Consultants tell other how to do it.
Cooks do it with oil.
Cops do it with nightsticks
Cops do it by the book.
Cops have bigger guns
Cops do it in leather.
Cowboys handle anything horny.
Cowboys make it on horse
Cowgirls like to ride bareback.
Crane operators have swinging balls.
Credit managers always collect.
Crosscountry runners do it in open fields
Cryonicists Stay Stiff Longer!
Csh does it with its children.
D.M.s do it behind a screen.
Dan Quayle does it in the dark.
Dan Quayle does it in the dark.
Dancers do it in leaps and bounds.
Dancers do it with grace
Data Processors do it in batches.
Deadheads do it with Jerry.
Debaters do it in pairs
Debaters do it inin front of a judge.
Debaters do it in standing up
Debaters do it in orally
Debaters do it in for eight minutes at a time
Deep-sea divers do it under extreme pressure.
Deer hunters will do anything for a buck.
Dental hygenists do it till it hurts.
Dentists do it in your mouth.
Dentists do it with filling.
Detectives do it under cover.
Dieticians eat better.
Digital hackers do it off and on.
Direct mailers get it in the sack.
Dispatchers do it with frequency.
Distance swimmers keep it up longer
Divers do it deeper.
Divers do it for a score.
Divers go deep.
Divers do it deeper.
Doctors do it with patience.
Doctors take two aspirins and do it in the morning
Doctors do it in the OR.
Doctors take two aspirin and do it in the morning.
Drivers do it with their cars.
Druggists fill your prescription.
Druids do it in the bushes.
Druids do it with animals.
Druids leave no trace.
Drummers do it louder.
Drummers do it in 4/4 time.
Drummers do it with both hands and feet.
Drummers beat it.
Drummers do it with rhythm.
Drummers do it longer.
Drummers pound it
Drywallers are better bangers.
Dungeon Masters have better encounters.
Dungeon Masters do it to you REAL GOOD.
EE’s do it on an impulse.
Economists do it at bliss point.
Economists do it cyclically.
Economists do it with a dual.
Economists do it in an Edgeworth Box.
Economists do it with an atomistic competitor.
Economists do it with interest.
Education majrs make you do it again and again until you get it right.
Electrical Engineers do it with large capacities.
Electrical Engineers do it with super position
Electrical Engineers do it on an Impulse.
Electrical Engineers do it with faster rise time
Electrical engineers are shocked when they do it.
Electricians do it with ‘NO SHORTS’.
Electricians do it with spark.
Electricians do it in their shorts.
Electricians check your shorts.
Electrochemists have greater potential
Elevator men do it up and down.
Elves do it in fairy rings.
Engineers charge by the hour.
Engineers do it with precision.
Engineers do it to a first order approximation.
Engineers do it in practice.
Engineers do it any way they can.
English do it with an accent.
English majors do it with style.
Entymologists do it with bugs.
Evangalists do it with him watching
Evangelists do it with Him watching.
Executives have large staffs.
Existentialists do it alone.
F. B. I. does it under cover.
FORTH programmers do it from behind.
FORTRAN programmers just DO it.
FORTRAN programmers do it with SOAP.
FORTRAN programmers do it with SOAP.
FORTRAN programmers just DO it.
Farmers spread it around.
Fencers ” ” ” ” ” ” metal.
Fencers always extend before the lunge.
Fencers always make good advances.
Fencers are always concerned with safety.
Fencers are never foiled.
Fencers are trained to use their swords.
Fencers do it with three feet of sword.
Fencers do it in a full lunge.
Fencers go for the point.
Fencers go one on one.
Fencers have better point control.
Fencers keep their swords up.
Fencers know when to engage.
Fencers know how to thrust.
Fencers know how to cross swords.
Fencers know how to extend.
Fencers know where they are aiming.
Fencers know how to saber the moment.
Fencers play with their swords.
Fencers play the touching game.
Fetuses do it in-vitro.
Firemen are always in heat.
Firemen do it with a big hose.
Firemen do it wearing rubber.
…End of the part2. To be continued..
Archive for September, 2008
Humourdoittxt part2
Tuesday, September 30th, 2008Humourdoittxt
Monday, September 29th, 2008 Archive-author:
Archive-title: How They Do It’s
CANONICAL LIST OF ‘HOW THEY DO IT’s
A king does it with his official seal.
AI hackers do it with rules.
AI hackers do it breast first.
AI hackers make a big production out of it.
AI hackers do it with robots.
AI hackers do it robotically.
AI hackers do it artificially.
AI hackers do it depth first.
AI hackers do it with robots
APL programmers do it with stile
APL programmers are functional.
APL programmers do it backwards.
APL programmers do it backwards.
Accountants do it with double entry.
Accountants do it with balance.
Accountants are good with figures.
Acrophobes get down.
Actors do it on stage.
Actors do it on cue.
Actors play around
Ada programmers do it by committee.
Ada programmers do it in packages.
Advertisers use the “new, improved” method.
Advertising majors do it with style.
Aerobics instructors do it until it hurts.
Aerospace Engineers do it with lift and trust.
Agents do it undercover.
Air Traffic Controllers do it in the dark.
Air Traffic Controllers tell pilots how to do it.
Air traffic controllers do it by radar.
Airlifters penetrate further, linger longer, and drop a bigger load
Alpinists do it higher.
Ambulance drivers come quicker.
Analog hackers do it continuously.
Anglers do it with worms.
Animators do it 24 times a second
Ansi does it in the standard way.
Archeologists like it old.
Architects have great plans.
Arsonist do it with fire.
Artillerymen do it with a burst.
Artists do it by design.
Artists are exhibitionists.
Artists do it with emotion
Artists do it with creativity.
Assassins do it from behind.
Assembler programmers do it one-to-one.
Assembly line workers do it over and over.
Astronauts do it in orbit.
Astronomers do it while gazing at Uranus.
Astronomers can’t do it with the lights on
Astronomers do it with Uranus.
Astronomers (astrophysicists) do it with a Big Bang.
Astronomers do it under the stars.
Astronomers do it with thier Telescopes (Refraction periods?)
Astronomers do it in the dark.
Astronomers do it with stars.
Astronomers only do it at Night
Attorneys make better motions.
Auditors like to examine figures.
Authors do it by rote.
Auto makers do it with standard equipment (or optional equipment).
B&Ders do it with their hands tied behind their backs!
BASIC programmers GOTO it.
Babysitters charge by the hour.
Backstrokers do it face up
Bailiffs always come to order.
Bakers knead it daily.
Bankers do it with interest. (However, there is a penalty for early withdrawal)
Banker – Past performance is no guarantee of future potential…
Bananas do it in bunches.
Band members do it in front of 100,000 people.
Band members do it in a parade.
Band members do it in sectionals.
Band members do it all night.
Band members do it on the football field.
Band members do it in public.
Barbarians do it with anything. (As do orcs.)
Barbers do it with shear pleasure.
Bartenders do it on the rocks.
Baseball Players (Sports people) Do it for alot of Money
Baseball players make it to first base.
Baseball players hit more home runs.
Baseball players have leather-covered balls.
Basic programmers do it all over the place.
Basic programmers do it all over the place.
Basketball players have big rubber balls.
Basketball players dribble before they shoot
Basketball players score more often.
Beekeepers like to eat their honey.
Beer brewers do it with more hops.
Beer drinkers get more head.
Beta Testers do it looking for mistakes.
Bicyclists do it in 10 speeds.
Biochemists make better lovers…want us to make *you* one?
Bio – Does that mean your offering to make a better lover than the one I alrea
dy have, or to improve ME?!??
Biologists do it with clones.
Bo Jackson knows doing it.
Boardheads do it with stiff masts.
Body-builders do it with muscle
Bookkeepers do it with double entry
Bosses delegate the task to others.
Bowlers have bigger balls.
Breaststrokers touch with both hands
Bricklayers lay all day.
Bridge players try to get a rubber.
Bridge players do it with finesse.
Broadcast/Cable Majors do it on film.
Broadcast/Cable Majors do it to epic proportions
Building inspectors do it under the table.
Bus drivers come early and pull out on time.
Butchers have better meat.
Butchers do it with dead meat.
C programmers continue it.
C programmers do it with lint.
C programmers SWITCH often.
C programmers SWITCH and then BREAK it.
C programmers SWITCH and then BREAK it.
C programmers continue it.
C’Bers do it on the air.
C++ programmers do it with their friends, in private.
CIA operatives do it with a security blanket.
COBOL hackers do it by committee.
COBOL programmers do it very slow.
COBOL programmers do it very slow.
CS111 students do it with interspersed comments.
CS111 students do it in binary.
CS111 students do it with ORGs.
Californians do it laid back.
Campers do it in a tent.
Cardiologists do it lightheartedly.
Cardiologists do it halfheartedly.
Carpenters hammer it harder.
Carpet layers do it on the floor.
Cartoonists do it with just a few good strokes.
Cavaliers do it mounted.
Cheerleaders do it with more enthusiasm.
Cheerleaders do it enthusiastically.
Chefs do it in the kitchen.
Chefs do it for dessert.
Chemical engineers do it in packed beds.
Chemists do it reactively.
…End of the part1. To be continued..
Directions
Sunday, September 28th, 2008I don’t understand some relationships.
The weekend after graduation is a particularly dull time for a bottle
shop. Everyone that wants booze has either left town, is still nursing
the worst hangover of their academic life, or is still plowing through
leftover alcohol. Or has to work. Which I was.
The late afternoon sun pounded through the dirty glass of the front,
what little was not covered with signs loudly proclaiming a message of,
in essence, “Get Drunk! Cheap! Here.” The weather in Cambridge had
been particularly lousy, especially for June, our most promising month
until October. But the thunderstorms and rain showers had given way to
a passably nice day. The weather was guaranteed by the owner of the
shore having scheduled me for an all-day shift.
The job sucked, but the alternative was home to Lancaster, PA with my
parents, a fate I would have gladly licked Mass Ave clean with my
tongue to avoid.
I didn’t notice her at first, as all my attention was taken up by
counting out change for a $100 for a young guy who was buying a
newspaper. He had a smile that I’m certain was intended to be
apologetic, and if I had been in a better mood it might have worked,
but I was inconsolable. A line had formed, and she joined the end of
it, not stopping to pick anything up. With each sale, I noticed a
little more of her.
Bottle of wine, $12.95. Short blonde hair.
Two six-packs of Coke, $4.49. About 5′ 8″, blue halter top. Nice
figure.
Bottle of gin, $6.80. Cute, button nose.
She reached the front of the line, and gave me a smile that broke
through my lousy mood. Blue eyes. A little necklace that looked
vaguely Southwestern, all turquoise and silver.
“I’m looking for Cedar Street? Any idea where that is?”
We’re at the corner of Mass Ave. and Cedar. This was going to be a
short encounter. I told her.
“No, no, not that Cedar! Cedar in Somerville. I love Boston, but I
hate driving in Boston.”
We’re in Boston the way New Jersey is in Manhattan, but I wasn’t going
to start that line of conversation.
“Where are you from?”
“California. How about yourself?”
“Lancaster, Pennsylvania. I’m going to Harvard …” I started in, but
I seemed to have said the magic word.
“Lancaster! I have friends in Lancaster.” Reminded me a bit too much
of the Pennsylvania license plates, but she’s gone on. “They’re
members of my sorority, and I just saw them at our June Weekend
reunion. I’m in town for that …”
As she went on, a one-person conversation, I took in her voice (quite
husky, considering her bubbly demeanor) and glanced (with appropriate
discretion, I hoped) up and down her body. She was, well,
well-stacked. Unfortunately, my discretion was insufficient for the
task, and I looked back up to her face to see her smiling at my
regard. As I blushed, she leaned down over the counter.
“Some people get all the fun jobs,” she said, in a low, conspiratorial
voice.
“Uh, yeah.” Witty reply. Clever. That’s right, I thought, wow her
with your intellect.
“Place seems quiet, today” She said, glancing around, stretching
herself. Her elbows sunk slowly onto the countertop. I looked up from
the view thus created by the lowering of the halter-top fabric to see
her looking at me with a smile that had switched from conspiratorial to
something else.
“Think of anything we could do to make the job more fun?” she said.
“Well, it’s cooler in the back.” Shit, I thought, did I say that?
“We could fix that,” she said, turning around and surveying the back of
the store for the door.
“This way,” I managed to gasp out with lungs that didn’t seem
completely under my command. In one fluid motion, I had closed the
register, grabbed a package of condoms from behind the counter, and
locked the front door. No customers in the parking lot, good, just one
car, must be her’s. It looks like there’s someone in it, but nah,
couldn’t be, anyway, who cares?
I led her into the back room. It’s even worse than the typical back
room of a liquor store, whatever that looks like. There are boxes
piled everywhere, both empty and full, the usual collection of posters
proclaiming that all you have to do is drink some terrible brand of bad
American liquor and amazingly women who would scrape you off their shoe
now will fall into bed with you. Not in so many words, of course, but
the message is clear.
She surveyed the scene, with what I assumed was less than complete
enthusiasm. Well, it is a bottle shop, not the Marriott. But when she
turned around, she still has that infectious lovely smile on her face …
“I can cope with this.” She pulled the tank top over her head,
revealing her lovely breasts still in a white bra. The bra came off a
moment later, and she was in my arms, pulling me down to a kiss. And a
very nice kiss it was, very deep and soft. Even with lots of tongue,
there are kisses that are very sharp and angular-feeling, but this was
a lover’s kiss. I still can’t completely explain the difference, but
there you are.
With a plop, the package of condoms dropped to the floor. She somehow
managed to slither out of her shorts while kissing me, and did a
lovely, slow, descent to her knees, running her hands down my chest.
Kissing me through my jeans, she unbuttons them, and applies her mouth
to my already-hard cock with tremendous skill.
“Now …” Lick. “I don’t …” Slurp. “have …” Gulp. “much time
for this,” she finally managed to get out, between licks with her
tongue along my balls, “so let’s be quick!”
Nothing like a little performance anxiety to make an evening special,
but I wasn’t going to turn this down for anything.
She retrieved the packaged of condoms, and (with cardboard and wrappers
flying everywhere) managed to extract one. As she stood up, naked
except for jewelry and shoes, she rolled one onto me with one hand, the
other steadying herself on my shoulder.
“OK, I’ll just bend over like this,” she said, as businesslike as if
she was staging a play. She turned her back to me, and bent over,
steadying herself on a pile of Guinness boxes. She spread her legs,
and one hand spread her lips apart. Amazingly, she was very wet
already, wet enough to…
“Well? C’mon!” she said, always impatient. OK, OK, I was just
enjoying the view. I stepped forward, rubber-clad penis in hand, and
slid it. There was almost no resistance, I was amazed.
I started slowly, with long strokes, but she was having none of it.
She started setting the rhythm, pushing back, in, out, in out. Her
free hand was playing with her clit, and she was starting a lovely
pattern of moans in time with her thrusts. In, out, in out … she
came once, twice as I finally lost control and pounded into her,
grabbing her hips.
She started screaming, loud enough that I was afraid the next door
dry-cleaners would hear. “Yes, yes, YES!” she yelled out as I came,
much faster than I thought I ever would, shaking as my cum poured out
of me.
I staggered back, a bit unsure of my balance, and came out of her with
a pop. She gave a small whimper of displeasure, but was back into her
shorts and tank top (bra in the pocket of the shorts) before I even had
the condom all the way off.
“That was very nice, thanks. I better go, my boyfriend’s waiting.”
“BOYFRIEND!”
“Yeah, he’s in the car. He’ll wonder what’s taking so long.”
“Boyfriend?” OK, I had already said it, but I still wasn’t quite
getting the answer I was looking for.
“Relax, he’s reading a newspaper, and nothing distracts him from that.
Anyway, gotta go! Thank you kindly,” she said, with just a touch of an
affected southern accent. And with a small peck on the cheek, out she
went through the store, unlocking the front door and tearing out of
it.
I staggered into my clothes, cleaned up the condom package debris in
the storage room, and put one condom-package worth of change in the
register (the owner would notice, he’s that kind of guy).
I watched the car pull away, and head down Mass Ave. Even through the
grimy windows, I can see that it was the guy with the $100 driving.
I still don’t understand some relationships.
Dark and Stormy Night
Saturday, September 27th, 2008 As a famous author once wrote, it was a “Dark and Stormy
Night” as sea coast weather can often be. It was raining very hard,
even by the sea coast standards that I was used to. The rain was
almost snow. I was sitting in my car at the deserted ferry terminal.
It was Thursday, and no ferrys docked at this terminal this evening.
I remember the first time I met her. She worked at a car
rental agency at the airport. I had reason to be in the terminal most
every night and we struck up a casual conversation. This went on for
several months. She was about 5′8″, 145 lbs, brown hair and brown
eyes. Her figure was shapely, and her breasts small but very
attractive. Because of her job, she dressed conservatively, but there
was a very sexy quality about her. Occasionally her blouse would gap
a bit and I would get a glimpse of her bra covered breasts. I was
fascinated. She had a wonderful personality. There were many people
around always so our conversation was casual.
One evening, I was dropping a co-worker at her residence and
was invited in by her mother for fresh cookies. I was about to go in
and received a radio call that I was needed at the airport, at the car
rental counter. Well, so much for the chocolate chip cookies. Duty
called. I got to the airport, about a 5 minute drive, and went in.
She had some information that I had asked about. We joked around and
I mentioned that as much as I needed the information, it cost me some
chocolate chip cookies. We laughed about it and I went on my way.
The next evening, I received another call to the airport. I
went in and there on her counter was a plate of fresh baked chocolate
chip cookies. We talked a bit, over cookies and her customers and
again I went on my way.
Being in a high visibility occupation, I was forced to be very
cautious in my dealings with women, especially since I was married. I
did get brave and wrote a note that said, simply, “Good Morning Lovely
Lady,” sealed it in an envelope and secretly dropped it into her purse
that sat open on the side counter. I figured that in the morning she
would notice the envelope and open it.
Coming back to the present, the rain was now falling as a very
wet snow, and was starting to accumulate on the windshield of my car.
I had the radio on the local soft music station, and had to start the
engine to generate some heat as the outside temperature was about
freezing. A car’s headlights pulled into the deserted terminal, but
it was just turning around.
It was a few days after the “note in the purse” incident
before I saw her again. She tried to seem annoyed at my greeting, but
didn’t act the part very well. I could tell she was pleased. I had
to be careful about spending too much time at the airport for fear
that someone would “notice.”
A couple weeks went by and my wife had a chance to fly off to
a city about 700 miles away and then drive back. She would take the
children. Without much thought, I encouraged her to go as I knew that
she would enjoy the trip and get to see her parents. She would be
gone about a week.
I was working day shift, which ended at 3pm. Saturday came
along and I was off after the shift for two days. What to do with
Saturday evening? There was nothing much at the theaters and even
less on TV. I still had need of some information at the airport so I
decided that probably a little off duty work was in order. I decided
that I would call her up and see if the plane was going to be on time.
My heart leapt as she answered the phone. We talked a bit and she told
me that the plane was running a couple hours late so she was going to
go home and feed her children and then come back as her husband was
out of town. We talked a bit more and the subject of the fantastic
milk shakes at the local drive-in restaurant. They were known
everywhere. I said, in jest, “Why don’t I buy you one after the
flight leaves.” She said “That would be great!” Boy was I surprised.
We agreed that after the plane left we’d meet in the airport parking
lot and go for a shake.
The next two hours were endless. I couldn’t believe that she
was going to spend a little time with me. I actually paced the floor
in my apartment!
The plane came and went and I didn’t get the information that
I wanted. I went out to my car and she came out shortly. She was
wearing a clear rain jacket, a zippered blue jean coat and grey
slacks. I couldn’t see what else she had on. She suggested that we
go in her car as it was less known in the area. We went over to the
drive up window and got two strawberry shakes. We pulled into the
parking lot like a couple of teen agers and shut off the car. We sat
in the car and watched it rain while we enjoyed the shakes. She
un-zipped her raincoat as it warmed up in the car. She eventually
un-zipped the jeans jacket also and disclosed a sheer white blouse.
The dim lighting failed to reveal the exact design, but it was very
alluring. We talked well past the shakes, and I asked if she’d like to
go for a ride. She said she would and would I drive? I moved to the
driver seat and we headed for an ocean overlook about 20 miles away.
It was snowing harder now as my wait at the ferry terminal
lenghtened. She had said about what time she’d be there but I had
gotten there early. My windshield was completely snow covered, but
the snow was so wet that it wasn’t sticking on the ground. I sat
back. turned up the music a little and let my mind wander.
We had sat at the overlook for awhile and just talked. It had
stopped raining and a few stars could be seen. Finally I just sat
looking at her and she at me. I reached over and kissed her. Our
tongues met and we held each other tightly. I reached inside her
jacket and felt her breasts. They were fairly small but firm. She
reacted immediately to my touch. The blouse covering them was silky
and pleasant to the touch. I slowly un-buttoned it, one button at a
time. Her bra was white, and substantial. I lowered the straps and
un-hooked it. We sat and enjoyed each other for awhile and decided
that this overlook was a bit too public. We drove back toward town
and went up to the community college, deserted at this hour. We
parked on a side road and continued our exploration of each other.
She began to feel guilty and we didn’t make love that night. We sat
for a long time and finally she dropped me back at my car.
The ten o’clock news came on the radio and it was now raining
again, dissolving the wet snow that had been falling. A car pulled
into the terminal and went slowly past. I could see that it wasn’t
her, but some other lady apparently on her way to a rendezvous. She
stopped at the other end of the parking area and someone got out of a
car and into hers. They drove off. I watched it as the rain turned
to snow again. She said she’d meet me as close to 10 o’clock as she
could. The news ended and the music began again. It rained harder.
I thought back to another rainy, stormy night when I was
working swing shift, which ended at 11pm. She called about 10:30pm
and said that she had to be at the downtown ferry terminal to meet the
11pm ship. I told her I’d stop by. It was quiet so I got to leave a
few minutes early. She was there and we got into my car and headed
south out of town. We had very little time as we were both expected
home. We stopped at a secluded wayside and were in each others arms
immediately. I undid her blouse and front closing bra and rubbed her
nipples. They became instantly hard and her breath became short and
ragged. I slid her slacks down over her narrow hips and removed her
bikini panties. I removed my pants and entered her. I stroked her in
and out and satisfaction came to both of us almost immediately there
on the front seat of my car. There wasn’t time for formality, but we
had to have each other. We drove back to town and she sat very near
to me. We talked about little things and each secretly hoped that
this wouldn’t be the last timewe would be together.
I could see her car’s headlights coming some distance off as
the snow began to fall again. She pulled up and I got into her car.
We drove off and headed north. We finally pulled into a small road
that lead to a private harbor, totally deserted this time of the year.
We stopped in the parking area and shut off the car. We were
immediately in each other’s arms. Both of us had good reasons to be
away from home this evening so there was no pressing rush. I felt of
her breasts thru her jacket. I could feel her arousal already. She
was wearing a jacket, sweatshirt, sweater, blouse, camisole, and
bra,along with heavy slacks. I commented that she was quite dressed,
even considering the weather. She said that the reason was that she
wanted to see me but knew we shouldn’t make love so she “covered it
all up.” We slowly removed her clothing (and mine). Her bra was
dainty and lacy. It was totally dark but my fingers gave me a better
picture of it that I could have gotten with some light. I finally
entered her and began slowly stroking my cock in and out of her
warm,wet love canal. I took deep, loving strokes and I could feel her
tensing up. She started to climax and just kept on the pinnacle of
ecstacy as I tried to slow my own excitement. She stayed on the peak
of climax for what seemed like forever. I finally couldn’t stand it
any more and I shot the biggest load of cum that I had ever given into
her. I continued to move in and out of her as she subsided. Finally
we napped in each other’s arms as the rain fell and the wind rocked
the car.
It soon became cold and we awoke and slowly dressed. We each
knew that this would be the last time for us as I was being transferred
as was her husband. We drove slowly back to the terminal where my car
was parked and each went our separate ways. The rain was still falling
as we parted and we promised each other that when we heard very hard
rain on the roof, we would think of each other and to this day, I
remember our Dark and Stormy Night whenever it rains.
Humourcriticstxt
Friday, September 26th, 2008 Archive-author: Robert E. Epps
Archive-title: Critics!
Tim Holland and Sheila Graves checked into the Golden Swan Motel at
around 9:45 PM. The motel was one of the many establishments
clustered around Disneyland. The rooms were pretty clean, and the
price ($30 for the night) was just right for the two high school
students who, after enjoying the thrills and joys of Walt Disney’s
creation, were ready to take in the even greater sights and pleasures
of each other’s bodies. A very horny Tim, with one arm around
Sheila’s sexy waist, unlocked the door to the room, and they entered.
Then they immediately dove for the bed.
Tim and Sheila did not know that they were going to be making love on
live television that night.
“And now, stay tuned for ‘In The Bedroom’, NEXT ON FOX 11!” I got up
from the couch and went to the kitchen to replenish my snack supply
as the commercials came on, and returned just as the show’s opening
title screen and theme music came in on the tube. According to A.C.
Nielsen, roughly forty million viewers would be tuning in to their
local Fox channels right about now.
“Hi, I’m Gene Siskel, of the Chicago Sun-Times!” Gene said with a big
smile. Then the face of his partner appeared. “And I’m Roger Ebert,
of the Chicago Tribune! Tonight we have placed our hidden
mini-camera inside a cheap motel room somewhere in Anaheim,
California. We’ll be reviewing the lovemaking of Tim Holland and
Sheila Graves as it happens LIVE.” Gene’s face reappeared on the
screen. “Tim and Sheila are your typical 1990’s American high school
students. For that reason alone, I am skeptical of these two turning
in a good performance. Sex as enjoyed by today’s teens tends toward
the rapid-fire — BAM BAM BAM!” Gene punctuated his BAM’s by rapidly
chopping the air with one hand. “There’s no foreplay! Nothing to set
the mood…” The camera panned to Roger as he interjected, “Gene,
once again you are jumping to a conclusion before viewing the act!
Let’s switch to the live scene from the motel room and see how our
two lovebirds are doing.” I had to agree with him. Let’s get on
with it!
The camera pulled back so that both reviewers were visible. Above
them was a large grey screen. It remained blank for a few seconds as
Roger and Gene turned toward it, then the transmission from the
hidden minicam appeared on it, bright and clear despite the dim light
in the motel room. The young couple were lying on the bed, still
fully clothed, locked in a tight embrace and kissing with youthful
vigor. I could see the swell of the girl’s full breasts underneath
her sweater, and I began to get a hard-on. Roger turned from the
screen to look at Gene and spoke first. “See? I think that your
‘BAM BAM BAM’ theory is probably already shot. They are NOT racing
through this, they are NOT…” Roger leaned forward and waved his
hands in circles in accompaniment with each NOT. “…rushing past
the foreplay, they are exhibiting an excellent and healthy attitude
toward sex.” Gene chuckled and shook his head. “I think it is YOU
who are jumping to a quick conclusion here. It is to early to deci–
see? Look!” He indicated the screen, which showed Tim and Sheila
lustily and quickly removing each other’s clothes. Her sexy body and
yummy boobs appeared, and my cock stiffened about 600 percent.
Oooooh! This was gonna be good, I thought, no matter what Siskel and
Ebert concluded!
The teens were now rolling about on the bed, Tim’s face buried in
Sheila’s chest and his hands feeling all over her body. Gene had his
chin in his hands and a rather glum look on his face. “This is
another thing I don’t like. This preoccupation with breasts!” As if
on cue, the minicam zoomed in on those luscious globes, with Tim’s
lips and tongue sliding all over them and feasting on them. “This
shows a marked lack of maturity…” Roger’s sharp laugh cut him off,
and he gesticulated wildly as he spoke. “I cannot believe your
negative attitude toward what we are seeing here! Tim’s desire to
suck on and play with Sheila’s breasts indicates a healthy sexual
desire and, in my opinion, reflects positively on his character and
personality.” Yay Roger! My cock stood and saluted his brilliant
insight. Anybody pro- boob is an o.k. guy in my book! On the screen,
Tim’s hands slid up and down Sheila’s sides, then slid up to her
breasts and piled them up into a hill of wonderful titflesh, pressing
the hard nipples together. His mouth alighted on them and began to
suck and tickle.
Now Gene was covering one whole side of his face with his hand and
shaking it back and forth slowly. Roger’s gaze, on the other hand,
was locked on the screen, obviously enjoying the action. The
minicam’s microphone picked up and transmitted Sheila’s moans and
aaaaahs as Tim continued to feast on her. Then, keeping his hands on
her boobs, his tongue and lips began to slide down her belly. The
tongue stopped at her naval and dipped inside to tickle it, then
continued its journey downward. Gene looked up. “Ah! Now we’re
getting somewhere!” It was Roger’s turn to chuckle and shake his
head.
Tim’s lips found their target, as Sheila’s whole body shuddered with
the powerful new sensation. Gene picked up on that. “That was a
good, realistic, BELIEVABLE response to his actions. Now this
performance is becoming interesting and worth the viewer’s time!”
Gene, you’re nuts! I thought. It’s been worth it all along! Roger,
Gene, and I all stared at the screen as Tim’s tongue teased and
tickled Sheila’s pussy, dancing around it and across it. Gene raised
his hand and made the “o.k.” sign, and said, “Now Tim is displaying
an exceptional oral performance. Notice how he teases and feints
with his tongue, making her think he’s about to plunge into her, then
he darts away and teases some more. An exquisite display of
patience, and an acute awareness of his girlfriend’s sexual needs and
desires!” Roger raised his hands, palms up. “O.k., I agree with you
there. It is a good performance. I do think that he should not
delay the inevitable too much longer though.” Tim agreed. His
tongue suddenly and swiftly dove into her hot vagina, and her body
gave an even greater shudder. The minicam zoomed in on the action as
his lips continued to tease her pussy lips every time his tongue dove
deep. His teeth got in on the action too, raking against the top of
her pussy. The minicam pulled back to show the whole scene, with
Shiela moaning and licking her lips furiously and kneading her
breasts with her hands and rubbing and tweaking her nipples. Ooooh
was I getting horny! The reviewers must have been pretty horny too,
but their professional demeanors hid that fact. “Tim is showing
exceptional patience,” Gene stated, “and an apparent willingness to
satisfy the Sheila’s sexual desires before satisfying his own.” “I
wouldn’t be so sure of that,” countered Roger. “A strong,
experienced tongue such as his is bringing him as much pleasure as
she is receiving! It is clearly mutual and simultaneous satisfac-
tion. Certainly a good performance.” I had concluded that long ago.
Tim withdrew his tongue from her channel, lay down beside her, and
whispered something in her ear. She giggled and sat up as he lay
down on his back. She positioned her vagina above his big throbbing
cock, and slowly sat down on his crotch as she guided his love muscle
inside her. Gene was nodding and smiling. “An excellent performance
there too. Wish I could do as well!” Roger nodded his reluctant
agreement. “Yes, I’d put this as one of the best acts of lovemaking
we have seen in recent months. The power and tension absolutely
ripples from this couple like heat off a desert pavement!” Tim’s
hands were clasped on Sheila’s hips as he drove his cock in and out
of her. Her body was undulating and writhing, her breasts swaying
back and forth. I had to resist going to the TV set and put my hands
up on the screen where that luscious body and those beautiful
jiggling jugs were! Tim’s hands climbed up her body and fondled them
as his dick rammed into her. Gene and Roger seemed to have been
rendered speechless as Tim’s hips moved quicker and quicker, and
Sheila grabbed his hands and pressed them even harder into her boobs.
Then her body gave a mighty heave as Tim came inside her, sending her
to orgasm at the same time. Wow!! They both panted and sighed for a
moment, then Sheila lay down on top of her boyfriend. What a sight!
The two reviewers broke into applause. “Bravo!” shouted Gene. “A
very good performance! It started slow for me, but after the
too-quick session of foreplay, followed by a needlessly long display
of his affection for her tits, he showed an amazing ability to
satisfy her lusty desires and his too. I give it a thumbs up!” Roger
seemed even more excited about what they had seen. “Well I liked it
even more than you! I found the whole act from start to finish to be
full of incredible sexual tension and release. A beautiful
performance by these two very talented young people, from whom I’d
expect great things in the future. One thumb up for me!” The camera
zoomed to Gene’s face as he delivered the “halftime” wrapup before
the commercial. “So that’s it for our first of the two sexual
performances to be shown to- night. Two thumbs up for a fine,
exhilerating session of lovemaking. When we come back, we’ll be
taking you next to a candid view inside the bedroom of Arnold
Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver, and we’ll try to answer the oft
asked question: do successful bodybuilders really make better
lovers? Don’t go away!”
But I had already gone away — to my bedroom, with the image of Tim
and Sheila still fresh in my mind. It was not going to slip away any
time soon.
In their room at the Golden Swan Motel, the young couple, unaware of
their newfound fame, lay in each other’s arms, soaking up each
other’s body heat and kissing the night away.
–
Co-Worker Slut part2
Thursday, September 25th, 2008 before. The more I thrust into her the better it felt. She got
tighter and tighter and then came wildly. She was yelling not to
stop, to fill her with come. I was getting real close and her pussy
was sucking it out of me. My hands had hold of her hips and I was
pounding into her. The feeling was out of this world. She was
tightening up again and that was bringing me to the edge. Then her
pussy clamped onto me as she came and the feeling was so intense
that I exploded. I couldn’t stop thrusting as I pumped load after
load of come into her. It was by far the most intense orgasm I’d
ever had.
We didn’t stop there. We rested a few minutes then she turned to me
and we devoured each other with hot passionate kisses. We kissed
for ten minutes or so and then decided to get a little more
comfortable. I found two old moving blankets and made a spot for us
way in the back corner. We started to kiss again and soon I was
sucking her nipples and going crazy over her. She then put her hot
mouth on my cock and after a few minutes of the most intense
sucking and licking I’d ever felt, I was hard as a rock.
I rolled her onto her back and she stuck her legs up into the air
in a magnificent “V”. I moved between her legs and buried myself
into her again. We fucked wildly for 20 minutes before I exploded
into her again. She must of had ten orgasms. There was just
something about her that made the sex great and her irresistible.
After an hour or so, we got dressed and straightened up the room.
She told me how great it had been, the best ever for her and I had
to admit the same. It was quitting time and we both left. She went
home to husband and I went home to my girlfriend. That night I had
to tell my girlfriend that I had pulled a muscle at work and
couldn’t make love to her. She was upset but understood. I was too
spent to be able to get it up for her. That night, all I could
think about was how much I had enjoyed Peggy. It was the greatest
sexual experience of my life. I didn’t want to lose Mandy and I
decided that the one time would have to be enough.
But, the next morning in the shower, again I was thinking about
Peggy and how she had felt. I went to work as usual. When I got
there I went to get a cup of coffee. In walked Peggy. She was
wearing a knee length bright blue skirt that was very tight. She
had on a matching jacket and a grey silk blouse. Her stockings were
black and her heels were blue three and a half inch spike heel
pumps. She looked great and I could feel a tingling in my crotch
just from seeing her.
When she saw me, she smiled and blushed. She said good morning as
she quickly turned away and headed for her desk. About an hour
later, our boss came over and got me and took me to Peggy’s desk.
He said that the re-organization we had been working on was looking
great and that we should try to finish the rest of the files as
soon as possible. Peggy looked a little flushed when he suggested
that the two of us should go back to the file room and get at it
right away. She looked at me and I cracked a half smile. We walked
to the elevator together and proceeded down to the basement.
There were others in the elevator so all we could say was work
related stuff. When we finally were alone in the file room. I said,
“Peggy, you are a very wonderful lady. What happened yesterday was
great and I don’t regret a second of it. I would do it again in a
second.” At that she looked at me with a quizzical look on her
face. “Neal, you are a very handsome and wonderful young man. I
enjoyed our one time yesterday, perhaps more than I should have. I
have never been seduced by a man like that and it did feel so good.
I know we can work together still and I think of you as a close
friend. Closer than most.” She smiled at me and I replied, “Peggy,
I feel the same way about you. You are a very beautiful and very
sexy woman. I have never been attracted to woman like that before.
I know I won’t ever forget it. And, you will always be a close
friend to me too.” All the while we had been talking, we had been
slowly moving down the aisle where it had all happened. At this
point in the conversation, it seemed appropriate to give her a
small hug and kiss. We were facing each other and as I slowly moved
toward her she seemed to know what was coming. I took her in my
arms and hugged her. Then as we separated, I kissed her soft warm
lips. It was a brief kiss but I couldn’t help but feel electrified.
We parted and set about our work. But after a couple of hours of
brushing past her in the tight quarters and seeing her sexy breasts
straining against her silk blouse, I was thinking about seducing
her again. She had been using a step stool to get up high enough to
read file labels without having to pull them out. Every time she
stepped up onto that stool, her skirt pulled very tight across her
ass. She had taken to pulling the hem up her leg to give her more
flexibility to step up onto the stool. Every time she stepped up I
watched those sexy legs and silently begged her to pull her skirt
up higher. I was going nuts. I had a huge erection and wanted her
so bad.
Finally, I said to her, “Peggy, how about one more time?” She
turned and looked at me and smiled. I smiled back and she said, “Oh
Neal. Stop that. Now get back to work.” She thought that I was
kidding. A few minutes later I looked over to see what she was
doing. She was standing on the stool with one cabinet next to her
open and one behind her open. I grabbed a stack of files and headed
toward her. I called to her to look out behind her. She saw me and
pushed the file drawer behind her closed but it stuck part way
open. Just as I reached her, she leaned over to close it the rest
of the way. Her foot slipped a little on the stool and she started
to fall. I dropped the files and grabbed her sides and pushed her
back onto her feet and the stool. She then stepped down off the
stool but as she did so, she left her left foot on the stool. My
hands were on her sides as I guided her to the floor. Her skirt
with its silk lining made the most fantastic sound as it slid up
her silk stocking. The hem came way up and a stocking top appeared.
I was too close to resist any longer. I started to try to kiss her
but she turned her head away. Instead, I started to kiss her neck.
My right hand went right to her left leg and started to caress her
thigh near the top of the stocking. My left hand went to her right
breast and started to massage it. Her arms didn’t move at first but
then slowly encircled my torso. “Neal please. We can’t do this
again. I know how great it felt but it is so wrong. I feel guilty
around my husband. OH that feels so good. No No. Stop it now.
Please stop.” All the while her nipples were becoming hard as
rocks. My right hand was working her skirt up even higher and soft
moans were coming from her mouth. She wanted to stop but couldn’t
resist.
Finally I worked my mouth around to hers and we devoured each other
in a wild hot passionate kiss. My hands started to unbutton her
blouse as we kissed. When I pulled it open, I was pleased to find
a very sexy dark blue silk and lace bra. I started to kiss her
breasts as I found the clasp and unhooked her bra. My mouth was
then all over her succulent breasts. Meanwhile my hands worked her
skirt up around her waist and I rubbed her pussy through her
panties with one hand while I kneaded her ass with the other. She
had reached down and was rubbing me and trying to get my pants
open. I wanted to take her matching dark blue silk panties off and
found that they had little ties on the sides. What a turn-on. In a
flash, they were gone. She pulled me free from my pants and guided
me toward her. She still had her left foot on the stool which gave
me great access to her hot pussy.
In a few seconds, I was buried in her again. She grabbed hold of my
ass and I grabbed her hips and we fucked like animals for five
wonderful, heavenly minutes before we came together like an atomic
explosion.
We spent almost half the afternoon screwing. We tried to work but
after an hour or so I would get hard again and just grab her and
take her. Every time she tried to resist but then she would melt
and give in. Once she gave in, she became like a starving animal.
I am sure that we smelled of sex and looked pretty bad too when we
left that room that day.
Over the next week, every day we had to work most of the day in the
file room and every day, I couldn’t stay away from her. She
resisted at first but then was easily seduced each time. I noticed
that every day she had on the sexiest lingerie I had ever seen and
she managed to flash a little of it to me first thing in the
morning. As soon as I saw it I thought I would explode with desire
for her. The sex was fantastic. I hadn’t touched Mandy in over a
week when she asked if I was screwing someone else. I made the
excuse about the muscle still being sore. That next Saturday night,
after thinking about Peggy and her hot body all day, I attacked
Mandy like an animal and she loved it.
Sunday I took her out and bought her $400 worth of new lingerie
explaining that it was something that I had read. Most of the items
were things that Peggy had worn. Mandy looked great and when we
went home, we spent the rest of the day in bed.
On Monday, Peggy and I were back working in our own cubicals. Our
stint in the file room was over. She looked great as usual but now
I had a new fondness for her because I knew what pleasures lied
under her dress. We hadn’t touched each other for three days and
had only talked a little. I did manage to tell her that our brief
affair had been wonderful and she would always be very special to
me. But on that thursday, she had a different plan. She came to
work in a red satin blouse and a black leather skirt that was
rather short. She wore black seamed stockings and high black heels.
WOW! She looked great. I was across from her office talking to one
of the guys when I looked over and saw her slide her skirt up to
reveal the top of her stocking. That was all it took to get me hot
for her.
An Hour later, I followed her to a supply room down the hall. She
went in innocently looking for supplies. I went in wanting to fuck
her ass off. As I closed the door behind me, I locked it. She just
looked at me as I approached her. Then she started to open her own
blouse. Her black lace bra and sexy tits were enough to make me
come. Then she started to slowly hike up her leather skirt and her
black lace garterbelt was soon in view. She had her skirt hiked up
around her waist as she said, “I knew you’d be back for more. You
want me more than anything and I can’t resist the idea of screwing
you. I wore this to seduce you because my pussy is hungry for your
cock. That’s it suck my tits and guide your cock to me. Fill me
again.”
It was so true. I couldn’t resist her for anything. My mouth was on
hers in a second and the kiss was hot and hungry. My hands were all
over her body. She felt sexier now than she had ever felt and soon
I was fucking her wildly. She was sitting on a stack of copier
paper boxes with her legs spread wide open, showing me her naked,
wet pussy, framed by her sexy garterbelt and stockings. I couldn’t
believe how great it felt as her pussy sucked on my cock. I
couldn’t stop sliding it in and out of her. My thrusts became
deeper and harder as I got nearer to coming. She came over and over
as I pounded into her. As she came for the third time, I exploded
deep into her.
After that day, no matter how much I tried to stay away, I
couldn’t. I was hooked. The affair went out of control after that.
I tried to stop so many times but every time she was able to lure
me back for “just one more time”. Mandy was getting real suspicious
since we made love only once or twice a week and then I was usually
so tired or spent that it wasn’t very satisfying for either of us.
That was what helped fuel the fire between Peggy and I. I called
her one day and said that enough was enough and that she should go
back to her husband. The next day one of the guys came up to me and
said. “Have you seen Peggy today. She looks so hot that I would
fuck her in a second.” After a couple of hours, I couldn’t resist
the temptation to get a look. She was wearing a tight skirt about
three inches above the knee and a tight, low cut top that made her
sexy tits bulge out. She had been exercising and had slimmed her
hips down so that now her figure was even better than before. An
hour later, we were in the file room making love.
A week later I tried again, telling her it had to stop. She said,
“It’ll stop if you can stay away, but you can’t. You know that I’m
the hottest fuck you’ve ever had and your young cock can’t stay
away.”
The next day she walked by my cubical in a short spandex mini-dress
and sky high heels. That tight blue dress and heels made every man
drool and made me follow her to the supply room where we fucked
like rabbits.
The finale was when she showed up at my apartment one Saturday
afternoon wearing a micro mini-skirt that was very tight and that
rode up her thighs as she walked. When it rode up it showed the
tops of her garter top thigh high stockings. That and the black
lace bustier she wore with her red lipstick and spike heels had me
so hot I couldn’t resist. I started to kiss and caress her and soon
she was on my lap with me buried in her hot pussy. We were fucking
up a storm while I sucked her tits when Mandy walked in and caught
us.
It was all over. Mandy moved out that very day, saying she never
wanted to see me again. A few days later, Peggy said to me, “What
really made it hot for us was that I was stealing you from a
younger, sexier woman. Now I have become a sexy, sought after,
woman and can have any man I want. Sorry, but it just isn’t
exciting for me anymore. I hear the accounting manager has a young
sexy wife, I’m going to go “talk” to him. See you around.” With
those last words, Peggy walked out of my life forever.
Co-Worker Slut
Wednesday, September 24th, 2008 This story is intended for private use and may be copied as
desired. It may not be sold or reproduced for any type of monetary
gain or other purpose.
I am a 29 year old male and work for a medium size corporation in
Long Beach. I am single but have a 27 year old girlfriend that
would knock the socks off any man. Mandy is five seven, blonde hair
and blue eyes with the most fantastic body ever. She worships me
and we get along great. Best of all, when I want it, she never says
no. That is why I can’t figure out why what happened, happened.
In our office, there are a few young attractive women and a lot of
women in the 35 to 45 age range. All or most of them are married
and have families. This one lady, Peggy, is about 40, oriental,
very attractive for her age and her figure is still dynamite. She
has nice medium-size breasts and shapely legs. She has a few lines
in her face but her hips have a motion to them when she walks on
her high heels that attract any man’s eyes. Peggy is a real
sweetheart. She is always kind and considerate. She always dresses
very professional and is the last woman I would suspect of having
an office affair.
So, we were working on a project together one week and spending a
lot of time working in the file room. The file room is in the
basement and is pretty secluded and there is almost never any one
in there. This is a large room with row after row of four drawer
file cabinets. There is really too much stuff in there for the size
of the room because the aisles are rather narrow. On our second day
down there, Peggy was wearing a long, conservative white dress and
white high heels. I had seen her in this dress before. She was made
up as usual and actually looked quite attractive. We were both
working in the end aisle which had only one way in and out. It was
so narrow that we could not squeeze past each other without making
body contact. That morning as I squeezed past Peggy a couple of
times, I noticed two things. First, she was wearing some kind of
perfume that drove me nuts. Second, her dress was a wrap around
type that was tied at the waist and I don’t know if it was the
tight quarters or what, but as I squeezed past her and looked down
over her shoulder, I could see part of her very sexy white lace and
satin bra and, of course, what was in it. The next time I had to
squeeze past her, I got an even better view of her cleavage and it
was starting to arouse me.
A little while later, Peggy asked me a question and as I turned to
answer her, I noticed that the edge of her dress was caught on a
file drawer and as she had turned away from the drawer, it had
pulled the bottom of her dress open enough to expose her right leg
to me. I was stunned for just an instant by the sight of her very
sexy leg and the fact that she appeared to be wearing stockings
instead of pantyhose. All I could see was just a hint of what
appeared to be the top of a stocking.
Then, she must of felt a draft or something and I told her she was
caught at the same moment. She quickly turned away, embarrassed and
apologizing. Over the next couple of hours and through lunch, all
I could think about was what I had seen and how excited it made me.
After lunch, things went on as normal until about three o’clock. I
had been working at the end of the same aisle as Peggy. She was
about half way down from me working with a drawer in front of her
open, one behind her open, and one behind and just a little past
her open. I had an arm full of files I was carrying out and alerted
her that I was coming down the aisle. She tried to hurry and make
way for me but just as I got to her she pushed the drawer in front
of her closed and quickly turned and closed the one behind her in
one fluid motion. At the same moment, I reached her position and
slipped on a pen on the floor. The result was amazing.
The tie from her dress had gotten caught in the drawer in front of
her when she closed it and as she turned to close the drawer behind
her, it pulled loose. Feeling something was wrong as she was
closing the drawer behind her, she turned quickly back toward the
first drawer and in so doing, got the edge of her dress caught on
the drawer behind her. As it slid closed, it pulled her dress
apart. A fraction of a second later, I step on the pen, slip, drop
files everywhere so I can catch hold of something to keep from
falling. I end up pressed against Peggy with her back against the
file cabinet. Her dress was open and her sexy white lace and satin
covered body was before me. Our faces were a few inches apart and
I was suddenly seized by the impulse to kiss her sexy red lips. I
did it. I kissed her on the mouth for just an instant. She didn’t
do anything but just look at me. I moved my lips forward and kissed
her again. This time, it was longer and she started to respond. As
she responded her mouth opened slightly and her lips became softer
and wet and warm. My hands moved up to her sides and gently took
hold of her. “NO! Neal, I can’t. We can’t.” she said and turned her
back to me.
I was so hot for her and I had a huge hard-on. I started to kiss
her neck as I whispered that it was alright and that no one need
ever know that we enjoyed each other one afternoon. As I kissed her
neck, my hands slid up the front of her torso and found her soft,
full breasts in her bra. She was moaning softly as I started to
caress her. Then she said, “No Neal, please. We can’t. I am
married.” as she said it she pushed my hands from her breasts. I
was too fired up to quit so easily. I whispered to her, “Yes we
can. Just this once. No one will ever know.” and as I said it, I
started to kiss her neck again and my hands found her breasts
again. She moved my hands away again but they were quickly back.
This time she didn’t move them away and as I caressed her through
her bra, I could feel her nipples harden. I felt her gently push
her body back against mine and when she felt my stiff cock against
her ass, she moaned.
My right hand slid down to the string tie that was holding part of
the left side of her dress across the front of her body and untied
it. She kept whispering, “No. No. No.” but her body was saying yes,
yes, yes. My hands now reached up and slid her dress from her
shoulders, down her arms and off. I quickly tossed it onto the file
cabinet. Her back was still to me but I didn’t care. What she was
wearing excited me like never before. She wore a white lace
garterbelt that matched her bra. Her panties were high cut and
white silk with only thin straps across her hips. My hands had
returned to her breasts and I was now rubbing my erection against
her silky panties. My fingers slipped into the cups of her bra and
found her erect nipples, but it was so tight and confining that I
couldn’t do anything. Her breasts needed to be freed. My fingers
found the clasp of her bra between the cups and popped it loose.
Then I slowly peeled the cups back to release her breasts. As I did
so, she moaned slowly and deeply. She whispered, “I haven’t been
touched like this in six years. OH GOD! it feels so good.” Her
posture had changed as I now pinched her nipples. She was bent
slightly forward with her ass pushed hard against me. Finally I
slid my right hand down to the crotch of her panties and found them
to be hot and wet. It excited me so much that I almost came. I
started to rub her through her panties and her moans grew louder
and more intense. I couldn’t stop now, I had to have her.
She had finally given in and had reached her hand back and was
stroking me through my pants. I moved my left hand down and opened
my belt and fly. My slacks slid down my legs to the floor. She
grabbed hold of me through my underpants but wasn’t satisfied. She
started to push them down my leg and I helped her. My cock was free
and harder than ever before. She stroked it like an expert.
She was wearing her panties outside the straps of her garter belt.
I grabbed her panties and slid them down to her ankles where she
kicked them off. Then she parted her legs and I slid my hand right
down and a finger right into her. She was almost coming instantly
and I decided it was time. She bent forward more and pushed her ass
up and back. I bent my knees a little and positioned myself
directly behind her. I guided my cock to her waiting pussy lips and
then with one thrust, buried it into her. She was now screaming at
me to fuck her hard. I was pushing into her hard and she was
meeting my thrusts. She felt so good. Her pussy was actually
massaging and sucking on me. No woman had ever felt like this
…End of the part1. To be continued..
Humourcostparttxt
Tuesday, September 23rd, 2008 Archive-author:
Archive-title: Costume Party
Probably an old joke, but it was new to me:
Sam and Susan were invited to a costume party. Susan went out and rented
costumes for the both of them. However, when the time came for the party,
Susan wasn’t feeling well and Sam went on alone.
A few hours later, Susan began to feel better and decided to go on to the
party. She realized that while she knew Sam was in a gorilla suit, he had
never seen her costume, and decided to go and see what he got up to while
he was alone.
She arrived and observed him dancing closely with a series of beautiful
women. She approached him and began flirting, and soon they were taking
a walk in the woods alone. They then undressed in the darkness and had
sex.
She got home before her husband and when he arrived, she was in bed. She
asked him, “How was the party?”. He replied “Oh, the usual – you know I
never have much fun at these things alone.” “Didn’t you even dance?”, she
asked. “No, I sat in the den all night playing cards. The guy I loaned my
costume to had a ball, though…”
–
Humourcookietxt
Monday, September 22nd, 2008 Archive-author: Janette Light
Archive-title: Cookie Dough better than men list
32 Reasons why Cookie Dough is better than men.
1. It’s enjoyable hard or soft.
2. It makes a mess too, but it tastes better.
3. It doesn’t mind if you take your anger out on it.
4. You always want to swallow.
5. It won’t complain if you share it with friends.
6. It’s “quick and convenient”.
7. You can enjoy it more than once.
8. It comes already protectively wrapped.
9. You can make it as large as you want.
10. If you don’t finish it you can save it for later.
11. It’s easier to get the kind you want.
12. You can comparison shop.
13. It’s easier to find in a grocery store.
14. You can put it away when you’ve had enough.
15. You know yours has never been eaten before.
16. It won’t complain if you chew on it.
17. It comes chocolate flavored.
18. You always know when to get rid of it.
19. You can return it–satisfaction is guaranteed.
20. It’s always ready to go.
21. You won’t get arrested if you eat it in public.
22. You don’t have to change the sheets if you eat it in bed.
23. It won’t wake you up because it’s hard.
24. You don’t have to find an excuse not to eat it.
25. You can tell your friends how much you’ve eaten without sounding like
you’re bragging.
26. It won’t take up room in your bed.
27. It’s easy to pick up.
28. You never have unwanted cookie dough chasing you around.
29. You know what the extra weight is from.
30. It won’t get jealous if you pick up another one.
31. It never has an insecurity problem with its size.
32. It is very pliable.
–
The Conference Ball
Sunday, September 21st, 2008 I once went to a conference in another part of the country. I met many people
who I’d known from afar in the past. You know how it is the day before a
conference starts. People hang out in the bar and the lobby. I met some
friends, and noticed this tall, quiet man who was with them. We sort of
watched one another as we engaged in a six-way conversation. I thought he
was cute, but, then I think MOST men are. I am generally just a looker.
Finally, someone said, “Oh, Jane, this is Len Josephs.”
“Len! Wow! I’ve always wanted to meet you!” We shook hands, but wound up
hugging one another. Len and I had exchanged some mail years before, and
admired one another’s work. Instantly, I wanted to take him to bed. It was
quite a shock because I don’t normally feel that strongly about someone
seconds after meeting him. It was literally lust at first touch.
Since we had friends in common, we went to dinner together. Now, I’m not
the sort of woman who picks men up. It simply had never happened before.
I’d had the occasional extra-marital lover, but it had always been with a
friend, not with someone I’d just met. I fought with myself all during
dinner. How obvious could I be with him about the way I felt? Could I
actually say to him, “I’d love to make love with you.”? While Len and I
wound up sitting together at dinner, and while he made me laugh a lot, he
seemed to back off when my knee rested against his. Well, I knew he was
married, so maybe he didn’t fool around. Still, I felt like someone had
shot me full of speed. I shook like crazy, and felt about ready to fly off
the chair, just looking at him.
After dinner, he went back to his room. I went back to my room. I paced
around a lot. He’d given his friends his room number, and I’d memorized it.
I walked to the elevator, went to his floor and stood before his door. I
raised my hand to knock…then turned and returned to my room.
I guessed I wasn’t the sort of woman who can knock on a man’s door, without
a reason other than to ask “Wanna fuck?”.
Suddenly, I realized I had a book he’d expressed some interest in at dinner.
I took the book and practically bolted back to his room. This time, my hand
connected with the door. When he opened the door, he had a genuinely
shocked expression on his face, but I talked over it. “I’m sorry if I
disturbed you, but I thought you’d be interested in seeing this.” I said,
going into his room without further invitation.
“Oh, no problem. I was just resting.” We sat down on the beds and looked
at the book together. Eventually, I sat on the bed beside him. As we
looked at the book, we sat closer and closer together. Finally, he took my
hand and squeezed it hard. “I’m going over to Lori’s party for a while.
Do you want to come back later?”
“Oh, yes! I don’t normally do this sort of thing, but I really want to come
back.”
“I don’t want to stay over there for TOO long.”
“Me neither.” We stood up and kissed. As hot as I felt, he felt hotter.
But it didn’t show on his face the way it had to be showing on mine. I kept
feeling myself turning red in front of him.
“What about precautions….”
“Well, I’m not too concerned. My period ended yesterday…”
“I’d better go get some condoms.”
I felt severely embarrassed, being a college-educated, Planned-Parenthood
trained woman. At least if I was on the verge of behaving irresponsibly, I
had the good luck to find someone who WASN’T. “You’re absolutely right.
Sorry about that.”
“It’s OK,” he kissed me again, his tongue brushing my lips.
I dashed back to my room, slipped into something more comfortable (yet
socially acceptable), and went to Lori’s room. Many old friends were there,
but I couldn’t engage in coherent conversation. My thoughts and eyes kept
drifting to Len, who sat in a corner, talking. Finally, after a day-long
half hour, I went out of the party and down to the bar. I kept calling
Len’s room, to see if he’d gotten the hint and had returned to his room. No
dice. After yet another overly long half-hour, I returned to the party. He
was still there. Whew! I wandered the party a bit, then returned to the
hallway. Len followed after a moment.
“I thought you’d changed your mind.” he said sadly.
“God no. I just can’t sit still. Can we go now?”
“Yes.” We walked to the elevator, relieved that there was no one in it. I
took his hand, but we dropped hands as soon as the door opened on his floor.
No one was in the hall either, so we walked to his room together.
We were both nervous. I ran to the bathroom. He turned on the TV. “Can we
turn it off?” I asked, turning on the light across the room.
“I don’t mind.” I turned the set off and joined him on the bed. We kicked
off our shoes and laid back, just holding hands and watching each other at
first. His hands were large and bony and very strong. I suppose I have
something of a hand fetish, because just stroking his hands really turned me
on.
As we kissed, his tongue filled my mouth, and I sucked on his tongue until
my lips were sore. He played with the straps of my dress, reaching his
hand into the front to play with my bra. He took off the dress, but had a
little problem with the bra—it was one of those strapless affairs with
innumerable hooks. He took the bra off and suckled hard on my breasts. I
lay back on the bed, caressing his neck and beginning to moan in pleasure.
I finally sat up enough to help him off with his clothes. I had as much
trouble with his sansa-belt slacks as he’d had with my bra earlier. But he
helped out, and I found him hard and hot. He lay on top of me, his cock
rubbing against my underpants. My clit began trembling against his heat.
He reached inside, stroking my clitoris. “You’re so wet,” he murmurred.
“I’m not usually THIS bad…” I said, running my hands up and down his back.
My underpants were literally dripping from six hours of thinking about him and
a half hour of foreplay. Already, waves of pleasure were streaming through
my body. I remembered some of the net jokes about “If this is just
foreplay, tonight is going to kill me.” I wondered what my husband would
think if I died in the arms of another man…
I leaned forward and tentatively took his penis in my mouth. He was longer,
but narrower than what I was used to. He moaned, working my underpants off.
I sucked on him harder, feeling his cock get even hotter.
He pushed me off, laying me back and spreading my legs. “Aren’t you going
to go down on me?” I asked watching him grab for his condoms.
“I wasn’t sure if you wanted that.”
“Not want it??! Please, do!”
He fell between my legs, his pointed tongue pushing hard against my clit.
I became even wetter, some from his tongue, but mostly from my incredibe
rate of arousal. His tongue was very forceful, feeling more like a slick
finger than a tongue. He licked me out, his tongue darting in and out of
my vagina.
Finally he rose, and put the condom on effortlessly. He knelt and slid
very slowly into me, like someone using an iron poker to make a fire flare.
I pulled him in tight, feeling about ready to explode. Very gradually, we
moved together. I pulled my legs up to let him in ever further. We
shifted around quite a bit, and I took some time on top, pressing my hips
into his. An orgasm hit me so hard that my knees went weak, and I fell on
my arms to avoid hitting him.
We flipped over again, and he began pumping into me vigorously. He pulled
up my leg and wrapped it wround his shoulder. His face, usually so bland,
positively glowed as I came again. I couldn’t stop moaning. He finally
came, rolling aside and stroking my belly. The whole lower half of my
body spasmed, and I couldn’t speak for a moment.
“Same time, next year?” he asked.
“Oh!” We held onto one another, giggling. “It’s funny…that’s the
kind of lover I always wanted.”
I was amazed by how quickly he was ready to come again. I was certainly
more than ready myself! As we made love again, every nerve in my body
trembled. My body throbbed in utter pleasure. The experience reminded me
of a very long weekend my then-boyfriend (now husband) shared long ago.
We attempted to sleep together. He was far more successful than I. I found
it impossible to sleep when I was tingling so much. I finally drifted off.
When I woke up, I saw his eyes looking down on me. “Good morning,” he said,
his soft voice arousing me as much as his touch had the night before.
“Hi.” I reached up and started playing with his hair.
“How are you?” He kissed me.
“I’m tired…but terrific otherwise.” I kissed him back hard, noticing that
his penis was standing at attention under his pajamas. “Do you want to…?”
“Hmmm…” He took off his pajamas. I took off my slip, he put on a condom
and was inside me instantly. My orgasm built quickly, and I kept trying to
muffle myself, worrying that I might wake up the folks in the next room. I
sucked on his fingers, trying to quiet myself.
When we were done, I clung to him. The notion of leaving him tore at me.
But, I knew we both had roommates to consider for the duration of the
conference, and various responsibilities. I kept telling him how wonderful
he’d been, and he kept telling me how exhausted he felt. Finally, I knew I
had to leave, so I kissed him goodbye and went to my room for a much-needed
shower and a change of clothes.
I ran into him often over the next week. I particularly remember joking
with him in the bar the next night, with our respective roommates almost
within earshot. That night, after being awake for nearly two days, I laid
down on my bed as my roommate brushed her teeth in the bathroom. Just
lying down made my whole body quake, as if he were laying beside me and
taking me from behind. It was as if I was in bed with a demon. I don’t
think my roommate heard my sudden, load moan. I bit my lips and shifted my
position. It was so strange to feel myself coming without being touched,
but them, the previous 24 hours had been pretty strange.
Len and I never could work out a reunion that week. In some ways, it
didn’t matter. The night with him sent my body into what felt like a
two-month orgasm. I could feel his cock slide into me, or his tongue move
against my clit. I spent much of that week blushing. For two months, I
couldn’t make love with my husband without feeling Len. That was very
frustrating, because Len and I could never be any more than long distance
lovers. But after about two months, I approached love-making with my
husband with renewed zeal, and started appreciating him again for the fine
lover that he is.
And Len? He turned out to be a terrific one-night stand.
Humourcomplovetxt
Saturday, September 20th, 2008 Archive-author: Jay Lewis and Pete Rourke
Archive-title: Joy of Computers
A Users Manual From The
Computer Relations Institute
The following manual is provided as an aid to those open
minded adults wishing to achieve a more fulfilling and
meaningful relationship with their UNIX computer.
WARNING!!: Do not attempt the more difficult positions
immediately! Start with the simple relationships and work
your way up, or damage to the operator and/or terminal may
result!
LOGON
As in all relationships, you must start by approaching the
terminal and making some small talk. In computer
terminology, this is referred to as “logging on”. It is,
however, just a highly evolved form of foreplay (much like
the singles bar scene). If the computer is receptive to
your advancement (hey what is your sign? #grep
/etc/passwd), then it will respond by asking for a
password. This is the computer’s way of weeding out the
nerds before verifiably engaging in any relationship. It
also sets the term for the give-and-take interrelationship
to follow. If this condition of foreplay is successful, the
user is allowed to “access the computer”. Once this is
past, the user and the computer are ready to network in
some serious entanglements.
CHECK-IN WITH DOT
The computer has a vast and ponderous knowledge that may be
accessed by the temporal user (it’s “been around”). To
decide just what form of relationship will develop, the
computer kindly produces a $ prompt, which evokes the
terminal user to fork up an appropriate response and press
the ENTER key (more about entering later!). How much the $
expects is dependant upon Dot Profile. Everyone knows Dot
don’t they? Dot’s gotta hold on you where you live! Without
Dot’s help you could be awking off in the corner! Dot’s got
your mail! Dot’s got your history for the last several
transgressions, so you’d better be sure Dot is taken care
of properly at the $ prompt. No short changing here! If you
do short the Dot, you’ll be seeing it on the front page of
your news_rc
PROGRAM ACCESS
Ah! The fun part! Most programs require a lot of entering.
Care has to be taken here not to enter the wrong thing in
the wrong place! NOTE: You may find your self entering
repeatedly to achieve any degree of success. You may enter
as hard (often stated “strike any key”) and as fast as you
like, but like any sensitive partner, please be aware of
the computer’s feelings. Automation and modern technology
have produced the most advanced of all partners our multi-
user, multi-tasking environment. (Wouldn’t it be nice if you
could multi-user without fear of catching something,
including bullets.)
PROFICIENCY
The system, if properly approached, will respond almost
instantly and openly to user advances. (Dinner, dancing and
a show aren’t even needed.) As you improve you may even be
able to experience multiple relationships per day. Just
work your way up slowly. (Be careful, you are beginning to
sweat on the keys!)
EXITING
After accessing your favorite program and dwelling on all
the earthly delights available from the depths of the
system, it will soon become time for the climactic end of
the session. This step has been automated to allow the
users to take full advantage of their passions. The system
will be ready to get off any time the user so desires. No
more trying to time things just right! The user types EXIT
and enters for the final time. The computer responds
instantly, and with much relief and gratification, the user
is thrust out, finished and spent from passionate endeavors
in the exiting world of computer relationships. The only
thing that seems a bit unfair is that the computer
immediately begins to invite another LOGON!!
CONSEQUENCES
As in any highly developed personal relationship, certain
responsibilities and consequences exist. Privacy,
especially in multi-user scenarios is non-existent! There
are more ways to see what the user is doing and has done
than you would expect. PID (not pelvic inflammatory
disease) can generate child processes which will then spawn
PPIDs and so on. The awesomeness of the birthing of child
processes can occasionally be interrupted. The cause of
these birth defects is sometimes predictable, and sometimes
cannot be explained, and you wind up with a core dump right
in the middle of your directory! HONESTLY! There are proper
places for dumping. Thankfully, cores don’t smell.
Interruptus and aborting of processes are frowned upon by
the local right-to-life movement. However, the system
doesn’t seem to be at all distressed by multiple interrupts
and aborts. Sometimes its helpful in keeping the process
population from getting out of hand and into the system.
MORE ON MULTI-USER
The computer is the most versatile of all partners. For
those operators who have advanced beyond the one-on-one
scene, the computer is open to many variations. It is
capable of having relationships with many different users
at the same time. (This would be an unpopular subject in
news.soc.singles) It won’t even call you by the wrong name!
Caution for humans needs to be exercised. Multiple
relationships are very difficult for users, and
extraordinarily simple for the computer. Also, the
tirelessness of the computer can often exhaust the most
lascivious user. Hours on hours, days on days, until the
PIDs number 10^6 the computer will keep asking for LOGINS!
PROGRAMMERS
A very elite group of computer relaters exists, known as
“programmers”. This group can delve as deeply into the
mysteries of computer relations as is technically possible
today. It is this group, in fact, that is able to maintain
the computer at the fevered pitch. Not much is known about
the practices of this elite group, but studies are going on
at this time to determine how their complex groupings are
tied into the inner workings of the mighty computers. It
should be noted that relationships between users and
programmers should be approached with precaution. The depth
of knowledge of the programmer may well burn out the more
simple minded users if the computer is not allowed to act
as counselor.
In closing, the user is encouraged to explore the satisfying
world of the computer. Thrust in headlong to the depth of
your ability. Seek the serene but passionate heights of the
most intense programs. You will come away satisfied and
content in the knowledge of a relationship well founded.
DEFINITIONS
GOING DOWN – Occasionally, the entire computer will turn
“frigid” in mid-course and refuse to do anything. This can
be very frustrating to the operators. It is truly traumatic
to the users that are about to exit in the relationship.
The reason for this action is not entirely known. Indeed,
it appears that the result of going down has entirely the
opposite effect than the action practiced by humans on each
other that bears the same name. However the computer can be
made to recover from this withdrawal by very special
foreplay performed by system administrators. (Special users
and programmers). Going down has one redeeming quality. It
is often the cause of the PID numbers to fall nearly to the
extinction level. PIDs and PPIDs are annihilated by the
millions. This is the ultimate in child process evacuation.
COLD START – This is a term for the intricate foreplay practiced
by programmers on a computer that has “gone down”.
It appears that this is the only form of foreplay
that the system will respond to in order to arouse
a withdrawn system to engage in relationships with
the more common users.
WARM START – This form of foreplay between system
administrators and the computer occurs when the computer
has “gone down” from the secret actions of the system
administrators themselves. No one knows why this
ritualistic form of system deprivation is periodically
practiced by this elite group. Some theories suggest it is
a method whereby the programmers drive their satisfaction
from the frustrated energies of the other users.
BACKUP – A back-up is performed by the programmers at
regular intervals. It may be some form of rear-entry or
“back-door” access to the systems most private parts. The
reason for this is also not known., but at times when the
system “goes down”, it would not be possible to bring it
around again had some programmer not performed a “back-up”
recently.
RUNNING- This is a devious practice performed by the
a programming group or system administrators that is thought
TAPE to be a form of electronic bondage. The system is thought
to derive much pleasure from this. We know that it has to
do with the memories of the system, and is therefore thought
to be very important. This act is never forgotten by the
computer unless it is “erased”, which may be some form of
pleasure-trance induced by the programmers.
WARM DUMP – Not much is known about this. Theories presented
by researchers on system relations are so strange and
repulsive that this is most often handled by government
agencies. The droppings for some, called “cores” are
immediate calls to investigation.(Preverts) (Is that the
opposite of Postverts?)
MODEMS – A piece of equipment that can allow for telefornication
by both authorized and unauthorized users if
the system is not properly prepared.
collaborative effort by: Jay Lewis
Pete Rourke
Humourcomplabtxt
Friday, September 19th, 2008 Archive-author: RICHH
Archive-title: Computer Lab
At the time I thought he didn’t notice me
was on his coathangers, plus, he wanted his TWO DOLLARS!>. I had
been watching him for maybe two months trying to decide what it was
about him that made my hormones go wild
that I was worried about leaving a stain on the chair
sprinkler above my desk...>. I had read about pheromone in
relation to animals, but never thought that people were subject to
the same influences
underwear?>.
Why we frequently found ourselves in such close proximity
was another story
English department where I taught
not think a lowly adjunct
they didn’t even think I merited a desk
programming was just a hobby for me
a machine my slave
but hey, different strokes...>
Thus we found ourselves seated in front of our respective
IBM clones
it, I will surely die. Altair? S-100 bus? Oh the humanity!> on
an almost daily basis. With a little detective work
Call me Samantha Spayed!> I found out that his name was Alex and he
was an
Even if he had been a sexual zilch
probably noticed him as we were the ONLY users of the two PCs in a
faculty lab filled with Macs
machines
inherited, in my case
working with computers for the last 30 years
IMSA 8080
brought up to think that computers should not be `cute’
Herman
on my vibes
brake. And boy, was it loud.> as he would barely give me the time
of day
hatched MY PLAN
found the USFL!>.
One day, finally overcoming my shyness
want to>, I glanced over at Alex
trying to pirate a ship! But if you’re not the Dread Pirate
Roberts, then who is?> an application
to give you one.>.
“If Herman
your
icons on strange parts of your body.
Alex
Circle-K this eve">, “Oh, Herman and I are good buddies
questions. Actually, I make up the questions so I can stay on his
good side
After the ice was broken, we began to
On about the third day, I found out about HIS OFFICE
hasty
large Steelcase desk
Rollers Action: S--A--T-U-R--D-A-Y. NIGHT!>?, it was located off
the very room in which I sat
limitations, it had a door with a lock
the point when I began to formulate MY <5 YEAR>PLAN, but I am sure
that it was an inspiration.
MY <5 YEAR>PLAN took its focus the day Alex and I were on
the elevator together
hair like Moe Howard. Then...>. It was the typical cattle car
scene
redeeming factor that when pressed against each other I realized
that Alex was sporting a very big hard on
revelation and a few later surreptitious glances, I realized that
he had an constant erection whenever we were together
chemical reaction to me as I did to him
discovery was the impetus
go to bed, stamp AIR MAIL on his forehead and then...> which led me
to even think about anything as risky as THE PLAN<9 From Outer
Space. by Edward Woodie>.
A few very innocent lunches, laced with a lot of
heavy
as the location of his office WAS, it turned out that we were both
married. This came as not a really big surprise, as I was fully
cognizant
me. I'm so silly.> and since he was not a kid
and whenever he talks about it, he says "we". But I'm so
silly...>, the probabilities
"Hit me, Lotus-Blossom!" and pound your fist on the table> were
that he was married too. Although I had anticipated the fact, it
presented
*this* come in handy at the supermarket?>. I never claimed to be
a romantic
didn’t much appeal to
His office therefore became the most likely location
desk and the locked door
thin. Since I generally cum loudly and frequently
contemplation
decided I had better begin my homework
While Herman beamed away
done at home thanks to a Mac on loan from a friend>Steve Jobs>.
(When it comes to programming, I am very patient.
more than the thought of compiling and linking five megs of Clipper
code on an 8080>) Finally, after weeks of debugging
render the Mac server useless for the hour or so I hoped I
needed
After what had seemed eons
execution arrived
for my country. *HIS*!>. This was not exactly the type of program
you could
my
Although we were definitely running on the same track
come
the tune of My Favorite Things from the Sound of Music
They weren't big or pendulous but they *were* floppy.>. When I
began to sing my lyrics to the song, a broad grin crossed his
face
Indian movie, you’re right, but stay tuned.
Guys in tight bike pants, their crotches a-bulgin'
Wet, hot, slick, hard skin, and secrets divulgin'
A story 'bout Suzy-Q<"Queen. Of. Hearts. Come on, come ah-ahn>,
oh what a scene,
These are a few of my favorite things
Guys in blue denim
One with his pants off, his size is amazin’!
A horse with a hard on suspended by strings *
These are a few of my favorite things
When the clap
I simply remember my favorite things, and then I don’t feel so
sad
* This line inserted in honor of Catherine the Great, and the
new Russian democracy!
After my vocal recount of MY favorite things there wasn’t
much resistance (none, maybe?
front of him and unzipped his jeans. Having waited for what seemed
centuries
Humourcoldhandtxt
Thursday, September 18th, 2008 Archive-author:
Archive-title: Changing Tires
[I got this from _They Used to Call Me Snow White...But I Drifted_
by Regina Barreca. CTM]
This couple out on a date get a flat while driving along on a snowy
night. He goes out to change the tire, but doesn’t have any gloves
so before long he comes back in, job half-done, with blue hands. “Put
your hands between my legs to warm them up,” says she. So he does,
and goes back out to the flat tire. It’s so cold, he has to come back
in one more time to warm up his hands, again at her invitation,
between her legs. He finally finishes the job and comes back into the
car triumphant and puts the key into the ignition.
She looks at him and says, “Aren’t your ears cold?”
–
Humourcodestxt
Wednesday, September 17th, 2008 Archive-author:
Archive-title: Official Code Sheet
OFFICIAL CODE SHEET
It has been brought to the attention of the Management there is
extensive use of foul and/or abusive language in the exchange of normal
verbal communication during the course of routine activities pertaining
to the completion of our day-to-day routine. In order to alleviate this
horrendous situation and, at the same time, not impinge on the
individual freedom and originality of our workers, the following numbers
shall be henceforth uttered in lieu of the catchy phrases listed beside
each number.
101 – You got to be shitting me
102 – Get off my fucking back
103 – Beats the shit outa me
104 – What the fuck?
105 – It’s so fucking bad, I can’t believe it
106 – I hate this fucking place
107 – This place sucks
108 – Fuck you very much
109 – Lovely, just fucking lovely
110 – Beautiful, just fucking beautiful
111 – Fuck, shit, piss
112 – I just got fucked
113 – Big fucking deal
114 – Hang it in your fucking ear
115 – Get bent
116 – Ram it, cram it, and rotate it rapidly to the right
117 – Fan-fucking-tastic/Far-fucking-out
118 – Fuck it, just fuck it
119 – Hot shit
120 – Bitching
121 – Tell someone who gives a shit
122 – Don’t get fucking wise
123 – I don’t give a fuck
124 – I didn’t design the fucking thing, I just installed the
Mother Fucker
125 – Kiss my ass
126 – Your ass
127 – It won’t fucking work
128 – Fuck off
129 – Go pound sand in your ass
130 – Who called this fucking meeting, anyway?
131 – You are fucked up beyond all repair
132 – Where the fuck is my drink?
133 – Fuck you
134 – Shove this fucking place up your ass
135 – Oh shit
136 – Go fuck yourself
137 – Up yours
138 – Shove it, you son-of-a-bitch
139 – Answer your fucking phone
140 – Answer your own fucking phone
141 – Half-assed, two-bit, mother-fucking son-of-a-bitch
142 – Fuckin’ A
143 – What a chickenshit outfit
144 – Cram it up your ass
145 – Eat me
146 – That’s un-fucking believable
147 – Your ass sucks canal water
148 – Pardon me – you obviously mistook me for someone who gives
a shit
149 – You’re stroking my bird (var. choking my chicken, waxing
my carrot)
150 – Blow it out your ass
Acronyms:
FUPITA – FUcking Pain In The Ass
SNAFU – Situation Normal All Fucked Up
FUBAR – Fucked Up Beyond All Repair
BOHICA – Bend Over – Here It Comes Again
–
Humourchancetxt
Tuesday, September 16th, 2008 Archive-author:
Archive-title: Chance
Section One – The Early Years
Chapter I – Baby Bimbo
Everyone in Larchmont knew that Chance was a tramp the day she came home
from the the hospital. At that point in her life it wasn’t the rubber pants
that gave her away, or even the fact that when someone picked her up for
burping, she blew in his ear. Let me put it this way: She did things with her
pacifier that most women still haven’t done with their husbands. Is that a
tramp, or what?
It was almost unthinkable that we would ever become friends, especially
to my mother. She considered anyone who wore open-toed shoes an exhibitionist.
Chance and I were SO unalike. I mean, when I had diaper rash, she had
herpes. I’d fuss about going to bed; she’d hit the mattress the minute
someone unzipped her bunting. I slept with stuffed animals; she slept with
real ones. You get the picture.
Chance stayed different from the rest of us. She never went through a NO
phase (her first words were “Sure, sailor!”), never sucked her thumb if she
could suck someone else’s, and when she waved “bye-bye,” it was with her
panties.
Even before she was toilet-trained, that tramp’s name was on bathroom
walls!
Chapter II – Toddler Tramp
Before we even entered kindergarten, Chance was raising eyebrows as often
as her skirt. Think I’m exaggerating?? Well, how many four-year-olds do
you know who’ve had their birthday parties raided by the police? I’m serious!
She jumped out of her own birthday cake!
My mother never let me go to any of Chance’s parties after I told her
about the one where we played Simon Says with a whip. (Simon says, “DO THIS!
DO THAT!”) She’d probably never have let me see Chance again if I’d told where
that preschooler poptart had hidden the marshmallows for the treasure hunt!
Like men in later years, Chance’s toys said a lot about her; all of it
unprintable. Her dollhouse had a red light on it! Her coloring books had dirty
pictures! She was the only kid in the neighborhood who had an anatomically
correct G.I. Joe doll – and it was battery operated!!
She also had an advanced Erector set. What she did with that is better
left unmentioned.
–
