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The growing membership of the Willyville Nudist Society (formed
somewhere around July 11th) petitioned the mayor’s office to temporarily
modify the laws against public indecency so as to allow the nudists to
pursue their own version of ‘personal freedom’. A story about it appeared
in the local newspaper, and a day later the mayor’s office recieved over a
thousand anonymous letters in support of the petition. However, almost 80%
of those letters were mimeographed in the same writing, unsigned, and sent
without return addresses. Somebody had been very busy, indeed. There was no
comment from the mayor’s office about the whole situation. Rumor had it he
had snuck out of town for a long overdue vacation…

For Harold Sykes, the usual lunacy of Willyville passed over him
without notice as his days stretched into a grey cloud of depression. At
work he hardly spoke, and when he went home he drew the blinds and sat in
the stifling heat staring at a blank wall. When he saw a pretty girl out on
the street he would avert his eyes until she passed by. When his friends at
work spoke to him he would always jump, as if jolted from some private
world. When asked about his change of behavior, he would simply dismiss it
as the aftermath of a breakup. But deep inside his heart ached and he spent
long, sleepless nights wondering who Cindi might be with and what they
might be doing and being certain that she was having a far, far better time
now than she had ever had with him. His depression grew deeper and deeper
and he knew that over the horizon lay only more dark clouds.

The situation came to a head when Harold nearly throttled a co-worker
for singing “Zipity-Doo-Da” one morning after announcing his engagement.
After explaining to his supervisor (and the police officer) that he had
been under a lot of stress lately, he was awarded with a two-week (unpaid)
vacation and the advice to see a psychiatrist. Soon.

Instead he sat at home, watching “Love Boat” reruns and drinking some
horrible beer and lemonade concotion bottled in New Jersey. Masochism was
the word of the day here.

He was idly (and a bit drunkenly) trying to decide whether to use a
sledgehammer or a shotgun on the TV set when the phone rang.

The harsh, obnoxious sound grated in his ears, pulling him from the
fantasy that enveloped him. A part of him begged to answer the phone, as
usual, to see who would be calling. The rest of him said screw it, why
bother?

Finally, long ingrained habit won out. He lurched over to the phone
and yanked the reciever off the cradle. Placing it to his mouth, he offered
the most cheery greeting his jangled mind could come up with.

“Go fuck yourself.”

There was moment’s hesitation before a familiar male voice came out of
the other end. “Harold! How ya doin’?”

“Hi, Tom.” Harold sighed. Tom was Harold’s best friend and a devout
hedonist, to boot. “I’m doing fine. Just don’t feel like getting out much
in this heat, is all.”

“Yeah, right.” Tom said in a voice that made it perfectly clear he
didn’t believe a word of it. “Well, shit, man, you need to get out
sometimes, before you start to grow cobwebs or something. And I got just
the thing…”

Harold silently groaned and rubbeed his temples. The only thing he
wanted was to be left alone. One of Tom’s ‘just the thing’ ideas was the
last thing he needed right now. “Uh, look, maybe later-”

“Later my ass!” The voice on the other end roared. “I know what
happened. Kelly told me.” Harold’s eyes widened but he really wasn’t
surprised. He fully expected Cindi to blab to everyone who would sit still
long enough to listen. He tried to imagine that Cindy was sitting in front
of him instead of the TV and suddenly his hands fairly itched for that
sledgehammer.

Tom continued, “Shit, man, something like that would’ve killed me.
Cindi has got to be the most twisted bitch I have ever heard of. Nobody has
a right to do that to somebody else.”

“Yeah, I ain’t too happy about it either. But I can’t do anything, so
how about I call you later-”

“I ain’t done yet.” Tom interrupted firmly. “You’ve got to get out of
there and back into circulation. You stay in that dark house much longer,
you’re going to do something stupid.” Harold felt a sudden shock. What had
he been thinking? He had twelve payments to go on the TV yet. Suddenly the
beer and lemonade in his stomach began to churn.

“Look, Harold, I’m your buddy. It hurts me to see what she’s done to
you. I wanna help, and I think I know the best way to do it. There’s a
party going on Saturday afternoon at this place I know over in Squirrel
Heights. Right off Wanker street. The whole gang’s gonna be there, along
with a bunch of other people I don’t know. Lots of available girls, I hear.
Hoping to add a couple to my collection myself. I think you ought to go
with me. Keep me from getting in too much trouble.”

Harold’s voice was thick as he struggled with his gorge. “I… I don’t
know…”

“Aw, c’mon. I want you there. You don’t have to do anything or talk to
anybody if you don’t want. Just soak up some rays and good feelings. I
ain’t heard of anybody going away from a West Side Party feeling bad.”

“Well…”

“It’s settled, then.” Tom concluded, perhaps a bit prematurely. “I’ll
be by about noon Saturday, and you can ride with me. I know you don’t
drink, and I could use somebody sober to drive me home. If I go home at
all. If not, you can use the car. Sound good?”

Harold had his voice under control and was actually feeling a bit
better. Tom’s nonstop talking had distracted him from the full impact of
the crisis, and his depression was beginning to lift a bit. “Sure, why not?
Should I bring anything?”

“Toothbrush and a change of shorts, maybe.”

They talked for a few more minutes and when Harold finally hung up, he
felt immensely better. He had felt so alone not long ago. It was good to be
reminded he had friends. Maybe with their help he could pull through this
depression and come out a whole human being once again. But that was still
a ways off.

In the meantime, he tidied the house up. Lastly he came to the
collection of bottles from his binge that morning. He was astonished to
discover how much of that stuff he had drunk. Thinking about it reminded
him just how awful the stuff really was. He hiccuped once and ran for the
bathroom, hand over his mouth.

He almost made it.

be able to trust another woman as long as I live. If I could get along

without sex I’d never even look at another one. Now the only contact I have

with any of them is for sex, pure and simple. I’ve been doing the swinging

thing for a few months and I’ve learned I’m up for anything so long as it

makes me feel good and has no strings attached.

“You know the whole time we were married I never once cheated on that

bitch. Not that I didn’t have the chance either. I had lots of chances to

cop a little trim on the side and never once did. I even had a few guys

proposition me, like you did back when you were a kid. I can’t tell you how

many times I’ve looked back on that and other offers I had and have kicked

myself for not taking advantage of them.”

I’d been listening sympathetically as Eric unburdened himself, but that

last line nearly took my breath away. There was no doubt that I still found

him incredibly sexually attractive; I’d been jacking off for years

fantasizing about this hunky man. Now it seemed that he was making himself

available to me. Still we’d just become reacquainted and we had a lot

riding on our business relationship. I didn’t, couldn’t do anything that

would jeopardize that. I didn’t know what to do so I didn’t do much of

anything. I made some inane remarks about how hard it must be for him; how

I felt his pain; how he’d meet someone, some day who would make him change

his mind about romance; bullshit like that. We ate a great lunch and

talked business, but it was really hard to keep my mind off what was

between Eric’s muscular legs. We went back to the office with no further

reference to sex.

The remainder of the week was so busy for both of us that we barely had

time to do anything other than the routine. There was still much to discuss

and plan. For this reason on Friday afternoon I asked Eric if he’d be

willing to work on a long range plan with me on Saturday. He looked a

little disappointed, but said, “sure not a problem. What time do you want

to meet?”

“Are you sure it’s alright, you didn’t have other plans made, did you?”

“As a matter of fact I did, but it’s nothing I can’t put off. The meeting

is more important.”

“If you’re sure, I’ll meet you here say 10:00 tomorrow morning?”

“That’s fine. See you tomorrow.”

“Great.”

I couldn’t help but stare at his bubble butt as he left my office. That

night I spent a long, slow session stroking myself to an immense orgasm

just thinking of swallowing him whole. It was somehow very satisfying,

because now I felt that I had a chance to turn it into reality. I just

didn’t know how soon that would be.

The next morning I arrived at the office at 9:30. I was dressed casually

in a polo shirt and a pair of dockers. Eric arrived at just before 10:00,

carrying a couple of containers of Dunkin’ Doughnut coffee and wearing a

pair of baggy sweat pants and an old sweat shirt. The fabric of the sweat

pants was so soft and worn that you didn’t have to look hard or stare to

see that there was a fat cock swinging loose just behind the material. I

began to think that his purpose in life was to sexually torment me.

“So,” I asked, “were you able to rearrange your plans?”

“No. I was going to entertain a couple from Connecticut, and I was hoping

they’d come down later in the evening and spend the night so that we ccould

party after I finished here, but they have a wedding to attend back home

tomorrow afternoon, so we left it for some other time. I gave up at least a

couple of great blow jobs for this meeting. You owe me big time.”

I wasn’t sure how to answer that, though I thought of a couple of ways, but

I just kept my mouth shut and we got down to work. At about 2:00 it dawned

on us that we were hungry so we call out for pizza delivery. It was about

6:00 when we both decided we’d had enough and it was clear we’d made

significant progress. We worked well together.

Eric stood, giving a man sized stretch. When he did, his shirt rode up

exposing his hard, flat stomach and the flaxen down that surrounded his

navel and then trailed downward toward his prize. As my eyes gazed lower I

stared right at the head of his dick. When he stretched backward it had

pushed forward and was now right in front of my face clearly outlined

beneath the soft material of his sweats. The head alone was the size of a

hen’s egg. I guess my mouth dropped open and I was staring.

The next thing I heard was a chuckle followed by, “see something you like?”

“Yes,” I barely whispered, “and I see something I’ve wanted for almost 16

years. Can I have it?”

“Seems only right. I should have let you have it back 16 years ago, so I

guess I owe it to you. And for sure you owe me a fantastic blow job

because that’s what I missed out on this afternoon.”

“Then,” I said grinning, “I think we can work out a deal. Do you want to

do it here or would you like to come back to my place?”

“Tell you what. I’m super horny, it’s been awhile since I’ve been with

anyone. That’s why I was disappointed at missing out on the Connecticut

couple, they both have very talented mouths. I’m good to go for at least

two or three rounds. If you don’t mind I’d like it quick, down and dirty

here and now. Then once the edge is off we can go back to your place and

do it again slow and easy. You up for that?”

“I am if you are,” I said. Was I ever? Eric sat down in his chair again

and then swung it around toward where I was sitting at the end of the

table. He stretched out, spread his legs and then grabbed the top of his

sweats with his thumbs and pulled it down and hooked it under his large

ball sac. His cock was plumping out and rising right before my eyes. By

the time I got out of my chair, came around the side of the table and

kneeled between his legs it was standing steely hard, a full 6 1/2 inches

of the thickest manmeat I’d ever seen. I was easily as big around as it

was long. In the flesh it was even more beautiful than I’d ever imagined.

I’d waited so long for this. I felt as though I were dreaming. I took hold

of it in my hand feeling its velvety soft warmth. I gently pulled it

toward my face and flicked my tongue out to capture the small clear bead of

man honey that had just formed at the slit. I tasted him for the first time

and went wild. I dove down on that meaty hog and didn’t come up for air

until he was moaning like a bitch in heat. I was determined that he was

going to get the best blow job of his life; I was certain I was going to

give the best blow job of my life.

He couldn’t stand it. He was too hot to just kick back and enjoy it. He

grabbed the back of my head with his strong opened hands and pumping into

my mouth. He began slowly, but as we both became more comfortable and sure

of each other’s rhythms the speed pick up. It was as though he’d been

suddenly unchained. He stood up so that he could drive himself deeper,

never letting go of my head. We bonded, mouth to cock, a virtual fucking

machine. All I wanted was to drink from the essence of his being, to feel

him gushing his pent up juices into my mouth and down my throat. I felt

his balls tighten up, his breathing become more labored and his body

tense. Then it happened. His cock swelled and pulsed and he shot. There

was almost not enough room for both cock and cum, but I took gulp after

gulp. There was no way I was giving up a single drop.

When he’d regained his composure, breath and ability to speak he looked

down at me, my mouth still stuffed with his now softening piece. He was

grinning from ear to ear.

“Hot damn, bossman. That was the best head I’ve ever had, bar none. If

that’s what you can do on your knees with my britches still on I can’t wait

to be naked with you in a bed. I hope you liked it as much as I did, cause

if so it’s my guess neither one of us will ever bitch about working late

again.”

I slid his cock from my mouth, kissing the head as I did. I looked up at

him again and just smiled. But he was right. Naked and in bed made things

much more interesting…but that’s a whole other story.

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reaction to sex.”

“Fuck you, you bastard. I love the motherfucker and you

can’t say otherwise.”

“Jeanine, give me the joint. No, go, go ahead, finish it.

You can’t possibly love him ’cause you don’t know the first thing about

him.”

“Like hell I don’t. I know how he treats me. I can tell how

strongly he feels about me from the way he touches me. Do you realize

how he makes me feel?”

“That’s what good sex is like. Don’t confuse your physiology

with your emotions.”

“They’re inseparable, dummy. Our emotions are rooted in our

physiology.”

“Our emotions are rooted in our spirits, which have nothing

to do with our bodies.”

“If you don’t tell me who the fuck he is, I’m going to tell

the dean you had him rape me, and then you’ll be screwed. You think

you’re going to be able to withhold his name from the cops when they’re

interrogating you?”

* * *

“Look, why don’t you want me to tell her it was you? She

loves you, for chrissake.”

Paul Banks sighed, shaking his head, then jerked off the metal

crank that triggered the sprinkler system. We were the a gigantic

greenhouse the agriculture students grew experimental crops in during

the winter. Abruptly the slender jets of water arching over the

beds of loam were reduced to weak trickles.

“She can’t possibly love me; she doesn’t know the first

thing about me.”

“Well, I know, but she insists that she does. Who are we

to argue? It’s her feelings.”

He began walking to a wall where rakes and other tools were

hung. I followed him.

“Look, she says it’s the way you touch her, the way you make

her feel.”

“It’s called orgasm, not love.”

“Well, I know, but…I’m in a total mess here, Paul.”

“Yeah, well, it was a weird idea.”

He grabbed some sort of peculiar tool, a wooden bar ending

with forking plastic tubes.

“You had fun with it, didn’t you? Come on, fess up. You

took advantage of the situation for your own delight, now you have

to pay the price. It’s like everything in life, right?”

“Goddamit, Bobby, listen to me: I can’t have her find out,

all right?”

His tone was venomous, but his face seemed cramped, his eyes

narrow.

“Bob, I’m married. I have a two-year old daughter, okay?

If my wife and my family find out about this, my marriage will end.

You understand?”

I groaned. Paul watched another student at the other end

of the greenhouse dump a bag of white pellets into a bed of soil. I

struggled to think of something to say, some way to resolve the

situation. Paul turned back to me.

“And if you tell her it’s me, I’ll just deny it. It’s your

word against mine, Bobby.”

* * *

“You goddam coward. How could you do this to me? You…you

not only deceived me, you not only humiliated me, you goddam fucking

well raped me. That’s right, you fucking worthless scumbag: You

raped me. I consented to sex with some guy of your choice, but I did

not consent to sex with you. And I know goddam well it was really

you. That’s why you won’t tell me who it was, you fucking bastard.

I can’t believe that a friend would do this to me; it fucking shocks

me. You’re not a friend of mine, you have never been a friend of mine.

You’ve taken advantage of me, exploited my problems with men simply

to…to goddam rape me. Nine times! I can’t fucking believe it! You

raped me nine goddam times, you…you…”

“Jeanine, no. Hold on. You’re absolutely wrong.”

“I am not goddam wrong. I could fucking smell you, you goddam

…End of the part5. To be continued..

extraordinarily sexy woman. Suddenly, I was in lust.

After all, she wasn’t a dummy and she wasn’t some bimbo. I had

reason to believe that she was a sexually intense person, but because of

conventional morality, she didn’t feel free to share that side of herself with

her son. I’d been successful in developing and easy-going and partially

uninhibited relationship with her. There was an unspoken sexual tease to

be sure, but it remained submerged and unacknowledged. How might I

change? That was the question.

Crudeness would never work. That was a no-brainer. Similarly, a

frontal assault would be ineffective and worse, insulting. While she might

be more susceptible to a secret romantic connection because of my father’s

neglect, it wouldn’t be with me, that was clear.

I’d thought of enticing her into something like a nudist colony, even

mentioned it a couple of times. She was mildly interested, but I knew that

that was no more than a blind alley, an emotional cull de sac, and not even

a very sexual one. I feared the stiff and formal behavior I imagined a nudist

colony to be. Too, I suspected that it would provide at most little more

than an avenue for my voyeurism but no entre into sexuality. Nothing

there, I concluded.

Would some innocent approach move me closer? I remembered

that she’d been willing to allow me to massage her feet, even had been a bit

careless in her posture, at least at first. Might that provide an avenue of

approach?

Then I remembered that my mom liked her wine. She wasn’t a

lush, but it was clear that she didn’t stop drinking just because she began

“to feel it.” More than once she’d said, “Why drink if you don’t want to

feel it. I drink for effect.” I also remembered that when tipsy, she became

something of a sloppy drunk. Not fall-down drunk, but certainly risque

often and careless of appearances. I once overheard her say, “I drink to

make my *friends* more interesting.” This wasn’t a common occurrence,

but I had seen it rarely, and only with friends. Well, I was a friend, wasn’t

I?

—————————————————————–

I was waiting for my mother at the arrival gate. Boy, she looked

good as she stepped into the arrival area, an over-night bag hanging from

her shoulder and wearing a light summer dress, uncharacteristically brief

with a hem line well above her shapely knees.

“Hi, good lookin’.” I said to her as I stood there, hands on hips,

looking her over.

“Don’t just check me out, guy. How about a hug?” she asked,

dropping her bag and stepping into my arms.

Whew! I’d hugged my mother lots of times, but I didn’t recall such

intensity, such a full-body press. I was acutely aware of the pressure of her

breasts pressing into my chest and more, somehow her crotch was riding

on my thigh. I distinctly felt her pubic bone as I held her close and kissed

her, first on the cheeks, and then looking at the joy in her eyes, impulsively,

I planted a wet one on her lips. Did I feel a flash of tongue tip?

That fast. It happened that fast. I didn’t have a woodie when I saw

her, but when I stepped away from that kiss, I’d sprouted a boner. I

thought I detected her eyes flitting across my pelvis, but couldn’t be sure.

To hell with it, I thought. She knows I’m not a monk.

“Have anything more than this?” I asked, picking up her shoulder

bag.

“You kidding? You ask me up for a week end, for a dance, and

you think I’ve got it all in that little bag. Why I wouldn’t go to the tennis

club with that little bag alone.”

“A steamer?” I groaned.

…End of the part7. To be continued..

“Doin’ OK, Mom,” I replied, trying to sound cool and collected

when I was anything but. “You like to play some tennis?”

“Love to,” she replied. “Now?”

“Sure, now.”

“OK,” she tossed over her shoulder as she walked to a tall chest of

drawers and picked out a pair of small white cotton panties. I’d become

aware of what undergarments she wore for what occasions and white

cotton were for sports.

Her robe was clingy, hugging her body and buttocks. I was acutely

aware of her prominent nipples and the swell of her rounded mons as she

faced my direction. Then, glancing directly at me for a moment, she turned

away and, unbelting the robe, she stepped into the panties, pulling them up

firmly into her crotch, snapping the elastic. It took no more than brief

seconds, but time seemed to slow down and she moved in slow motion.

She was standing in front of a large, south-facing slider window,

and intensely back lit. The sheerness of her robe allowed the bright sun to

highlight her body silhouette and I could see her remarkably well through

the translucent robe. I gazed in rapt awe at the long-legged outline of her

figure, the shadow of a full breast swinging forward as she bent to step into

her panties. I thought of ripe fruit.

Suddenly it was very still in the room. I think I was holding my

breath. Was she really aware of me there? Did she know what I was

seeing? I knew her as too quick and too smart to be unaware of how she

looked. Were we slowly escalating to a new level of intimacy? And if so,

could I ever acknowledge it?

As she pulled the robe away from her body for a moment, I caught

no more than a flash of one rounded hip and thigh and it thrilled me. From

a lower drawer, she pulled out a pair of white tennis shorts and employing

the same visual screen of her robe, pulled them on, again pulling them tight

into her crotch. In my mind’s eye. I could see her puffy mons

In a moment, I became aware that my dick was swelling and caught

down the leg of my shorts, feeling bent and painful. Before she looked

back, I adjusted myself.

Now what? I knew she kept her bras and shirts in the same chest of

drawers. Would she select them and go into her closet, or even into her

bathroom to don them? I watched as she picked out a brief white cotton

bra and a white T-shirt. Again, she glanced at me, and then shrugging her

shoulders as if to say, “Oh, the heck with it,” she turned away, let her robe

drop to the floor where it pooled at her feet. She quickly put her bra on,

hooking it in the back with a nimble facility that comes as the result of long

practice. Magicians, I think, have the same facility.

I saw, perhaps as never before, how narrow her waist was and how

beautifully full her hips were under her long and delicately curved back. It

was more pronounced and exaggerated by all that flesh! It took but

seconds to don her bra, but it wasn’t quick enough, for I snapped a mental

picture of a back and side view of her full breast before it disappeared. Yet

another lurch in my groin. I was a goner.

She looked back. I smiled, wanting her to know that I had seen

her, but not wanting to act snide or smart ass. “Nice,” I said.

She returned the smile and turned toward me as she was pulling the

T-shirt over her head. Again, for a brief moment, I saw her en face,

appreciating how skimpy the bra was and how much of her breast simply

appeared to ride as much above of the cup as in it.

I don’t recall who won at tennis that day. What I do recall is the

moment of watching her bend over, nude under her robe, and lifting one

foot, place it into the leg hole of those white cotton panties. Later, looking

at the panty line under her shorts, I thought to myself, “I’ve *got* to see

more of her.”

…End of the part5. To be continued..

seduction. We’d fallen over the edge, both of us, and were in some run

away free-fall of lust, both mindful of what was happening and each fueling

the consuming fires of our passion. I think we were mostly beyond words

at this point.

She reached for me, as if to cuddle again, as if to kiss again. I

pushed her back into the couch and her legs came up. In one motion, I

pulled outward on the inside of one knee, opening her up to me, nude save

her hose and garter belt framing her wet, swollen and open pussy. I gazed

at it in absolute awe, it seemed for a long time but in fact was probably

only seconds. Then, making eye contact, I gradually lowered my head

toward her crotch, that she would know my full intent.

I paused, studying here pussy. As I expected, she trimmed the

edges of her luxuriant pubic bush. Her lips were bare. I looked, but

couldn’t see her anus. That area lay hidden in shadow.

Smiling, she murmured, “Oh, yes!” and slouched down even

farther, arching her pelvis up to meet me.

In contrast to my usual too-fast-to-savor-the-moment hurry, I

moved as in glue, so slowly. Looking alternately at her open pussy and

then into her eyes, I continued lowering myself slowly. I placed the palms

of my hands on her thighs, pushing them open even more. She murmured

approval, “Yes, that way.”

The sometimes-rational part of my mind was boggled. Only a little

while ago, I was dancing cheek to cheek with my mother. Not quite

innocent, to be sure, but a league from holding her legs open that I might

see her better. How’d this happen? My libido suggested that I not screw it

up by “thinking” about it.

The musky scent of her cunt wafted up to me, ripe and intoxicating.

I knew that smell. Knew it from a hundred times that I’d picked up her

soiled panties, but it was never this erotic, this intimate. I drank in her

scent as one would savor the heady aroma of heated brandy. I pulled it in

and held it.

I felt her hands on the back of my head, pulling me gently toward

her. I gave myself to her control and allowed her to guide me to her

pleasure. She pulled my head into her crotch and my lips first touched her

pubic hair above her slit. She rapidly corrected, pushing my head down to

the uncovered clit. I kissed it softly and she ran her fingers through my hair

as she crooned, “Oh, Billy. Kiss me there. Suck me. Please suck me.”

I pursed my lips and kissed all around her clitty, occasionally

flicking it with the tip of my tongue. Each time she lurched, as if shocked

by a small jolt of electricity. She rolled her pelvis against my face, rubbing

on my mouth as I tongued inside the wet and swollen lips of her cunt. At

the bottom of her slit, it was a swamp she was so wet. I curved my tongue

into the pool of her secretions and pulled them up, wetting her clit with her

own juices.

Her speech had become almost guttural as she explosively exhaled

each time I drove my tongue into her cunt. “Unh . . . God, I, unh . . .

needed that, unh . . . deeper, Billy, unh . . . take me . . .”

I pulled back, my face drenched, and kneeling between her legs, I

fisted my painfully hard cock that she might see me and again looked into

her eyes. Her face was in half shadow and her eyes were dark pools.

I could see her shift her vision to my cock as I slowly stroked the

shaft, bunching up the skin about the bulbous head and then pulling it

slowly back. I looked at her open pussy and then at by cock before l again

looked into her eyes, asking the silent question. Her answer was equally

silent and equally unmistakable. She looked at me gravely, then pulled her

knees up and out, while running the inverted V of her fingers down to her

pussy, opening it up in invitation.

Suddenly she clasped her crotch in her hand as if shielding it and

with a wide-eyed look of alarm, said, “Wait! Billy, *think* a minute. Think

about what we’re doing. Do you know what this means?”

I slowly shook my head, not understanding.

…End of the part14. To be continued..

At the time of this story my Dena was 29 years old, about 5′ 5″
with stylish blond hair. She’s trim and without doubt her face and
ass are her best assets. She is a former state beauty pageant
winner and her features are smooth and defined, like her
personality. She’s a knock out in a bikini and enjoys the attention
she gets form other men.

We had heard of men who encourage and enjoy watching their spouse
have sex with other men. We were fascinated and aroused by reading
such stories in magazines about swinging and mate sharing and I
often fantasized about seeing my wife screw another man. Dena and
I had talked about a threesome but I never really thought it would
happen. That was until four years ago.

Shortly after accepting a new sales position that required
extensive travel I began to suspect Dena of having an affair. The
idea of her falling in love with another man didn’t enter into my
thoughts but I was convinced that she was seeing someone. I
secretly hoped my suspicions were true and often made excuses that
I had to stay out of town overnight when it wasn’t really required.

Many times I would lay awake fantasizing about Dena with another
man as I lay alone in my motel room. I imagined her rushing off to
meet her lover as soon as our nightly phone conversation ended. On
several occasions I waited ten or fifteen minutes and called home
again only to hear up to five minutes of unanswered ringing. I
would do this every half hour or so until around one or two in the
morning she would answer the phone. I always hung up without saying
anything. I never told Dena that I had called back and she never
said anything about going out anywhere.

This behavior continued for about two or three weeks and just when
I had made plans to try and catch her she started answering each
time I called home. Dena began to complain that someone was calling
and hanging up the phone when she answered so I waited much longer
between calls.

I became disappointed because now it seemed that my suspicions were
unfounded or the affair had ended. I began fantasizing about ways
of having her seduced when another set of events began occurring.

I was at our local club having a drink at the bar when a neighbor
I knew only slightly came in and took the stool next to mine. Our
conversation was casual but he asked a question that caused me to
rethink my doubts about Dena and a possible affair.

During our conversation our neighbor asked how I liked my new car.
At first I thought he was talking about my new company car which is
a Buick. I told him that I really liked the car and that I was very
satisfied with the gas milage. It wasn’t until he said how he too
would like to have such a car but that he certainly couldn’t afford
anything so expensive. I knew a Buick was well within his means so
he A) Had me confused with someone else. Or B) Someone driving an
expensive automobile was visiting my house.

Without acting surprised I told my neighbor that I had gotten a
very good deal and that it really hadn’t cost as much as he might
think. This seemed to satisfy him and our conversation moved to
other subjects, although I’m not sure what we talked about because
I was thinking about the strange automobile parking in my drive. I
revived my plans to see if Dena was having an affair.

The following Monday I told Dena that my duties would require me to
be out of town until Friday night. As always she seemed
disappointed but accepted that it had to be. I on the other hand
imagined that she was already preparing to invite her lover into
our bed.

I drove to a local hotel and checked in for four nights. I parked
my car in the hotel’s indoor lot so it couldn’t be easily seen. I
then called Avis and rented a completely different car making sure
it was of a completely different color.

I made the necessary business phone calls from my hotel room but
remained in the room and out of view until darkness. Around 7pm I
called home as I had always done when away. After my brief
conversation with Dena I called room service for dinner and watched
TV. By 9pm I had waited as long as I could.

Driving the rental car past my house I was mildly disappointed to
see only the normal house lights and only Dena’s car in our drive.
I drove around town until I made another pass by our house around
9:30pm. Even more disappointment when I saw only Dena’s car in our
drive. I continued to drive around until I made a third pass by the
house around 9:45pm. Nothing had changed and I was now really
disappointed. I wanted to catch my wife with another man but it
seemed it wouldn’t happen tonight.

I had driven about half way down one of the two main entrance roads
leading to our subdivision when a 530 Mersadies sports car passed
going in the direction of my house. I quickly took the next turn
and turned my car around. The Mersadies tail lights were still
visible and about a quarter of a mile ahead. I closed the distance
between us slightly but made sure to remain well back.

My heart was racing and I was wondering. Was this the car my
neighbor had been talking about? The Merrsadies made a left turn
onto the street our house was on. This had to be the car that had
been parking in my drive I thought. “Please be the car.” I said
aloud to myself. I passed the street leading to my house knowing
that I could see our drive clearly only a few hundred yards ahead.

As I slowed and looked in the direction of my house I saw the
Mersadies head lights as it pulled into my drive. I almost shouted
knowing this had to be my wife’s lover. I turned my car into the
street that ran behind our house. Knowing the house directly behind
ours was vacant I pulled into the drive and killed the lights.

I waited a few minutes then got out of the rental and keeping to
the shadows I slowly jogged into my back yard. Remaining in the
shadows I approached the side of my house and made my way to the
den window. I knew there was little chance that I would be seen but
I had worn dark clothing and was being a quite as possible as I
looked into the window.

There on my sofa sat a man of about 45 years I had never seen. He
was certainly well dressed and clean looking. “So this was Dena’s
lover and I approve.” I thought to myself. Then found myself
wondering how large his cock was and did Dena give this man head as
she had often done for me. If she did give him head did she allow
him to cum in her mouth or did they only fuck straight? Did they
use protection? I hoped they didn’t. For some reason I hoped he
would cum inside Dena.

Dena entered the den carrying drinks. She handed her friend a glass
and sat down beside him. Before taking a drink both my wife and her
friend placed their drinks on the sofa table and locked themselves
in a very passionate embrace. As the kissed I noticed this man was
unbuttoning Dena’s blouse. Dena’s hand was on his crotch and I knew
she was massaging his cock and balls. “I hope he’s hung like a
horse.” I thought.

My own cock was rock hard as I watched the couple before me undress
each other. When the gentleman stood Dena unbuckled his belt. She
unzipped his trousers and tugged them down. As this man stood
before my wife his trousers fell around his ankles as Dena pulled
his jockey shorts down.

I couldn’t see the man’s cock because he was quarter turned away
from me but I could clearly see Dena had his cock in her mouth.
Dena’s hands were slowly stroking this man’s ass and upper legs as
she took him into her mouth. This continued for about a minute when
Dena’s lover turned to sit down on the sofa.

Dena released her mouth hold on his cock and as the man sat down
she got on her knees before him. Clearly she planned to continue
sucking his cock. It was at this time that I saw the man’s cock for
the first time. It was much larger than my seven and one half
inches. I would guess at least 10 or 11 inches in length and very
thick. It was so thick that the head of his cock seemed small.
Almost as if it belonged to a 7 inch cock but was attached to this
massive sausage.

Dena took this stranger’s cock in both hands and began jacking it
as she took as much as she could in her mouth. To me Dena looked
beautiful as she knelt before the man sucking his monster tool. I
was slowly massaging my own cock through my trousers as I hoped
they would continue until he shot his load in Dena’s mouth.

Within a few minutes I had my wish. The man laid his head back and
closed his eyes. I knew he was about to cum and so did Dena. She
was jacking his cock faster now and sucking him as deep as she
could. The man stiffened and Dena slowed her hand and head motion.
I knew he was shooting his load into my wife’s mouth and she
appeared to love it. “Please swallow his cum.” I was thinking as I
shot my own load into my shorts.

Dena did as I had hoped because when the man had finished climaxing
she got up to sit beside him. She said something to him and they
both laughed and took a sip of their drinks. There was no trace of
cum on Dena’s face so I knew she had done as I had hoped and had
swallowed his load. I hoped his cum had been thick and plentiful
but I had no way of knowing.

Dena and her lover sat on the sofa talking, kissing and fondling
each other until I saw the man’s cock begin to come alive again.
Dena bent over a sucked his cock until it was fully erect again
then she stood up. Although her blouse and bra had been removed
earlier she now let her skirt fall to the floor and removed her
bikini panties.

The man pulled my wife to him and began to eat her pussy as she
stood wide legged before him. I sure he couldn’t get to her pussy
very well and he said something to her. Dena laid back on the sofa
and with one foot on the floor and one on the back of the sofa she
offered herself to her lover.

I watched as the man began to eat my wife and slowly jack his own
cock. Since my cock had remained hard the entire time I unzipped my
trousers, now very wet from the load I had shot earlier. Taking my
cock out I began to jack off as I watched the scene before me.

The man continued to eat Dena pussy until I could tell she was
about to cum. He then made his way on top of her and I could
clearly see his cock as it entered Dena’s now very wet pussy. At
first he pushed only the head and perhaps two inches in. Dena’s ass
was moving up to him, urging him deeper into her. The man was
fucking her with only a few inches of his cock when he suddenly
plunged his entire cock into my wife. His balls, again much larger
than mine, slapped against Dena’s ass as he began to fuck her
harder.

Even above the air-conditioning and through closed windows I could
hear Dena. “Oh God! Oh God! Fuck me! Fuck me! Fuck me! Oh God Fuck
me!” I felt my balls tighten and my own cum began to shoot as I
watched the couple before me. It was truly beautiful watching my
wife enjoy being power fucked by this stranger. I wanted them to
continue but the man’s body stiffened and he pushed himself as deep
as he could into Dena. I knew he was depositing another load in
places much deeper that I ever had.

It was clear that Dena was enjoying being fucked by this man
because she was having one orgasism after the other. I saw their
combined juices, thick and white, on the shaft of the man’s cock as
he fucked in-an-out. It was slowly running out of Dena’s pussy and
down her ass. So that’s what those stains were on the sofa. I
continued to jack myself as the lovers continued to fuck each other
on the sofa.

I must have jacked myself as they fucked for five minutes or more
when the man’s body stiffened again. Plunging himself deep into
Dena’s pussy he began to shoot another hot load of his semen. I too
shot another load and gave a silent prayer of thanks for allowing
me to witness my wife being so thoroughly fucked.

That evening, we set up our own private party. Just the three of
us in our little private apartment near campus. The light dimmed and
a slow rhythmic beat played in the background. The scent of heavy liquor
was in the air. We sat in the living room on the long leather sofa. All
three of us sat very close to each other. Jennifer sat in between me
and Joe. We laughed at the thought of us three sleeping together, it was
the topic of the night. There were no objections from anyone. Jennifer
was in her quiet little self making remarks here and there.
Somehow, in the midst of our conversation, there was suddenly nothing
else to say. We were quiet….
I saw Joe place his arm around her and started to passionately kiss
her lovely lips. I felt Jen’s hand crawl up my knee and started to carress
my thighs. Joe’s free hand crept up Jen’s mini skirt searching for her
soft wet cunt. I started to get hard seeing the action. I breathed heavily.
My right hand went down Jen’s blouse feeling her soft tan breasts
underneath my fingers. I felt her hand reach up my pants and squeeze and
carress my crotch. I moved closer to her neck and started to lick her sweet
skin. My lips were hot on her neck as my fingers worked to unbutton her
blouse. I felt her hand stroking my hardness through my denim jeans.
hhhhh..hhh….I muttered. I heard Joe’s breath and Jen’s mild moans of
ecstacy in between breaths of kisses. Jen’s blouse soon fell from her
lovely body and I anxiously threw it aside with my free hand. Jen did not
wear a bra, and all her beauty was exposed in front of my eyes. An animal
being took over me and I burried my face between her breasts painting
the beautiful mounds with hot saliva from my tongue. I heard her groan from
the expertise of the men surrounding her. Joe’s hand pulsated in and out
from under her skirt torturing her with wild sensations.
Somehow, Jen managed to unbutton my pants with her free hand and
release my hardened dick from its cage. She gripped it commandingly and
stroked it and squeezed it, my pre-cum instantly dripped from its
head. I played with her hard nipples teasingly with my probing tongue.
I sensed Joe trying his best to unbutton his pants. Jen took over and
finally was able to remove it completely revealing his prized possesion.
With Joe’s free hand, now wet and slippery with cunt juice, started to
stroke himself.
The action was too much for Jen to handle. She squirmed on the
leather sofa and eventually fell on her back with ME on one end and
Joe on the other. All three of us panted furiously as we try rearrange
ourselves to better positions. Jen reached for Joe’s cock and hungrily
inserted it into her mouth alternating the sucking from the head to
his balls and back. *FUCK* I thought. I was given the opportunity to
try out Jen’s wet pussy as her beautiful ass pointed my direction.
On all fours, Jen offered me her sweet cunt. I stood on my knees on the
other end of the sofa and gently entered the sweet offering with my
throbbing dick. It was tight, *Geesus*, it was tight and wet. Ohhhh…
Jen…*FUCK*…In and out I rode her savoring the sensations of every
nerve on my prick. Her muscles inside contracting at every push. I
was leaning on her back and I saw Joe on the other end receiving what
seemed to be a heavenly blow. His face contorted in pleasure, he looked my
way and grinned a devilish grin of sweet pain. He moaned and I moaned,
Jen screamed a little out of sweet pain while I penetrated her deeply.
We were like wolves howling in the night. Jen’s dripping saliva was too
much for my sight to bear. She swallowed Joe over and over and over again.
Our motions and the sight of each other FUCKING was too much for us
to bear. Faster I went, I could feel my prick tingle. Uugghh…unghhh…
Jen…I’m CUMMING…uhhh…*FUCK* “Don’t CUM in her pussy man!” Joe
managed to shout between grunts. “Wait for me to CUM man!…ungghhh..uhh”.
“Hurry Joe!…uhhhh…” I said.
In the back of my mind I knew what he wanted to happen. We always
talked about it when we watched porno movies that someday we’ll get to do it.
Jen stroked and sucked Joe faster that his dick was red and sore. It
was ready to burst. Jen reached her orgasm berfore anything happened. She
screamed a small little scream of pleasure as she continued to suck on
Joe’s prick. “Mmmmhhhm….mhhhhh” she muttered.
“I’m CUMMING man! uhhh…”
“Ohhh man! I’m CUMMING too!…ahhh..uhh” I replied.
Jen pulled away and placed herself between our pulsating pricks.
sucking both of alternately. I came first and spilled my white hot cum
on her face,”Geesus..uhhhh”, soon after, Joe shot his cum on her face
as well, “Ahhh..Jen!..”. Our shots were so strong and violent that Joe
splattered some of his CUM on my body, it was dripping hot, and
I splattered some of mine mine on his chest. Jen licked the CUM stained
flesh on both sides. She slurped every trickle of white sticky sperm on
my navel and on Joe’s prick.
All three of us breathed heavily. Spent, tired, and relieved, all three
of us collapsed on the slimy leather sofa. Our legs and arms entangled
together, with Jen between Joe and I.
Before I drifted into sleep, I remember thinking of what our future
would be…This FUCK is too much for me to take. I really enjoyed it.
I know I would want some more. How long will this relationship last?
Tomorrow is another day, we’ll see how it turns out…*FUCK*

The next few days was strenuous for me. Joe still treated
Jennifer like she was his girlfriend. He came in and out of our
appartment dragging her wherever he liked. It tortured me deep
inside to see Jennifer glance my way everytime she was with Joe.
I was extremely jealous. I became angry at how Joe was handling the
situation. He wasn’t treating me as a friend, he was treating me
like an outcast. He didn’t even consider my feelings towards Jen,
and he acted as if Jen exclusively belongs to him. After what happened
between the three of us, I expected that I would be a part of that
relationship. I was hurting inside. I reconsidered my feelings about
my friendship with Joe. I was flaming with hate. I wanted to punch
him and beat him with my fists. Images of blood dripping down his
forehead, and sore bruises all over his body. For a moment, I thought
of death. I wanted to hurt Joe badly, but I’m too smart for that.
Physical pain is so easy. No…I’m angry because he has what I want.
He should not have toyed with me and offered her body to me. What did
he think? After going for a three-way FUCK, he can parade Jen in front
of me? What the FUCK for? To brag to me that the best FUCKING BITCH
still belongs to him? He can swallow my CUM and eat my SHIT!
If he knew me well as a friend, then he would have considered
my feelings. I always considered his feelings, and that’s the reason
I held back from FUCKING Jennifer and back-stabbing him. I guess
I’m only one of those FUCK ‘friends’ who means nothing to him…I had
to hurt him, I had to teach him a lesson…I’ll FUCK him up really
bad, and he’ll regret he ever FUCKED up with me…
One wednesday afternoon, I came home early from school. I
…End of the part2. To be continued..

Her body was stirring now and it felt drawn to this

stranger’s strength, in a way that few men called her. Moistness

began to spread itself on her thighs. It made her acutely aware

of just how fascinating he really was.

The man readied to shave. Cold water in a small pan, razor

and shaving cream laid out on the table. He hung a small mirror

from his kit on the side pole of the tent.

Jessie was mesmerized.

He began with long strokes on the sides of his face. Each

was perfectly executed. They were strokes of a master painter

working on a canvas. Each pass of the blade was strong, and each

had their own symmetry as uniquely apropos as the verbal passages

of Shakespeare.

He finished, wiped his face with a towel and raised his head

to catch Jessie still intent upon his face.

“I have never had such an attentive audience before,” he

laughed, “nor such a pretty one,” and he surveyed her face. “Are

you making sure I have done the job properly?” he offered with a

twinkle to his voice.

Jessie gently laughed out loud. “And what would you do if I

tested your handiwork with a kiss?” she countered.

Hal was tempted to say, “I’m old enough to be your father,

sweet lady,” but he was both intrigued and attracted by her youth

and her sublime grace. Instead he said, “Be my guest beautiful

lady.” It surprised him even as the words left his mouth.

Jessie rose from the bench where she had been surveying the

proceedings and walked over to Hal’s campsite. Smiling, she took

a finger and traced a path across his upper lip. Then she

stroked the side of his face softly with the back of her hand.

It was as smooth as a satin shirt. Flawless. He smelled of lime

and soap and maleness. It was as heady a perfume as the pine

trees, and she wondered what it would be like to love a man like

that and have his scent on her pillow to drink in, every morning,

along with his body. She gently kissed his cheek.

Hal cleared his throat. “I suppose this means that I ought to

introduce myself, as I’m not in the habit of having people I’m

not acquainted with pass judgment on my handiwork. Especially

when I have not had my coffee nor caught their name,” he teased,

“If you find me suitably proficient, you may call me Hal.”

Jessie barely suppressed the urge she was feeling to bring

her body close to his, and run her fingers through the grey at

his temples. She said, “My friends call me Jessie. I wouldn’t

know what is usual in this sort of situation, but my compliments

to the artiste for his deft touch.” She smiled and quipped, “It

passes muster in my book, Michelangelo,” and she touched Hal’s

cheek again with her lips, very softly, lingering just a bit at

the last.

Jessie had the feeling that Hal was about to draw her deeply

to him and engulf her with his arms and soul, but his reserve

held fast and the moment passed. She turned and went to her camp

spot, returning in a moment with the thermos and a spare cup. “I

understand that you also start your day with an infusion of dark

caffeine. Would you care to share some of mine?”

Hal extended an arm for the cup and Jessie poured the hot

brown liquid till it reached the rim. His eyes teased her over

the top of the coffee and he said, “My thanks to the chef. I

never was able to wait very well while I brewed up my first batch

of the day. You seem to be a very handy camper to have nearby.”

Jessie raised her eyes to his and said, “You’d be surprised

as just how handy I am and all the things this camper knows how

to do. Or just maybe…you wouldn’t,” and she flashed the big-

gest, brightest look that was such a mixture of gentle, friendly,

wickedness and pure exuberance, that Hal was momentarily caught

off guard. He lost himself happily in enjoying it, until his

sanity returned.

“You ought to be spanked, young lady,” he retorted, “And I

might be tempted to do it myself if you don’t get dressed and

stop endangering an old man’s heart like that,” he threatened

semi-seriously.

Jessie shot back a gleeful smile and countered, “Looks to me

as if your heart is strong enough to take it,” and she headed

back to her site in a hasty but reluctant retreat, before she

could get her rear end swatted.

She called over her shoulder as she passed, “You wouldn’t

…End of the part2. To be continued..

Three days later the temperature broke 100 and everybody knew the heat
was here to stay. The air was hot and heavy. Those unfortunate enough to be
working outside or without benefit of air conditioning groaned and cursed
the sun, giver of all life and bringer of all misery.

Skin became a much more common sight as uncomfortable humans stripped
down to the bare neccessities, if not farther, in search of some relief. As
clothes fell away, so did inhibitions as the human, the horniest animal on
earth (who was actually capable of becoming sexually aroused at the mere
sight of the uncovered body of a fellow human of the preferred sex! Imagine
that!) began to follow the urges that nature had imbued them and that they
themselves had honed to a fine and wonderous art.

In other words, once the night cooled off, they started fucking like
rabbits.

But human nature can be a two edged sword, and while one edge was
sweet, the other was very bitter indeed. Hot weather and its attendant ills
caused tempers to flare where they otherwise would have been held with
discretion. Many great home truths, which had been considerately
unmentioned by friends, lovers, relatives, etc., suddenly came out in full
force with the expected arguments and fights following. Frustration at the
endless discomfort caused human to strike out at fellow human in a futile
substitute for lashing back at the true source of their aggravation, a safe
93 million miles out of reach. The local constabulary spent a great portion
of their time quelling these arguments. Of course, being human and just as
uncomfortable as everybody else, their tempers were somewhat shorter than
they would normally have been, and guess who they took it out on? Quite a
number of offenders made their way to the local lockup by way of the local
emergency room.

But all of this was simply human nature, and none of it was very
serious, at least not on a grand scale. Civilization had survived much
worse. But on a personal level some of the catastropies were very serious.
Some lives were changed completely. One such person who’d had his life
changed by the heat was Harold Sykes. And here’s what happened…

The moon poured in through the open window, flooding the bedroom with
an eerie half light. The air was warm, a pleasant 75 degrees. Perfect
temperature for nudity. Cindi settled back on the pillow with a satisfied
sigh of pleasure not yet faded to memory. Harold still kneeled on the bed
between her knees, his erection pounding almost painfully against his
belly. The moonlight spilled across her nude, fluid form, and he lovingly
eyed her firm, small breasts, still hard nippled in the aftermath of her
orgasm. His eyes roamed down her smooth, taut belly to the wiry mass of her
pubic hair, where he had but moments ago spent so much time carefully and
artistically bringing her to a powerful climax. Whatever else you could say
about his performance in the sack, he knew how to give head. It was one of
the skills he was especially proud of.

But enough wool-gathering (bad pun intended). Harold leaned forward,
placing his hands on the bed on either side of her. He kissed her fully and
deeply as he gently lowered his weight onto her. For a moment they simply
lay there, as he savored the full body contact, the feel of her naked skin
against his own. Then he raised his hips and she gently guided him into
her.

For Harold, at least, no sensation in the world could ever compare to
the warm, slinky feeling of penetration. He thrust deep, and her hips moved
in response. His excitement towered to new heights, and his balls ached for
release. Take it slow, take it slow. He kissed her again and ran his hand
along her side, from thigh to shoulder, feeling, touching, loving.

He began to pump in a slow sinuous rhythem, her hips moving with his.
Her legs raised and locked around his waist as her hands moved along his
back. Her breathing became short and rapid, and Harold knew she was
building to another orgasm. With each thrust, his own pleasure mounted to a
new height until finally he poised, breathless, at the brink. Too soon, too
soon…

Too late. He cried out as his seed shot into the warm depths of her
body. Face straining, he pumped again, one last time, trying to squeeze
what last litle bit of feeling might be left after that almost painful
explosion of pleasure. Then he collapsed on top of her, exhausted.

For an endless time he lay, gathering strength. Finally it soaked into
his sated conciousness that something was wrong. Cindi lay beneath him
wooden, unmoving. He looked down into eyes that stared back with cold fury.
“What- what’s the matter?”

The anger in her eyes flared as she placed her hands on his chest and
pushed him off. Her strength was surprising, and Harold fairly flew against
the wall by the bed. Blinking back stars, he looked at her in confusion.

“God dammit!” she yelled.

Frightened now, Harold could only gasp, “What… what…”

“You didn’t even try to make it last!” Hands on hips, her bare breasts
jiggled fetchingly as she shouted. But Harold wasn’t exactly fetched at the
moment.

“I sure did try! It’s not my fault-”

“The fuck it isn’t! You don’t even TRY!” she yelled, “Two pumps, a
tickle, and a squirt and that’s all you’re ever good for! I’m sick of it!”

What the fuck was this? It was hard to believe she had been so
intimate and caring a minute before. Miss Jekyl had just turned into a
raving Miss Hyde and Harold was far too stunned to properly defend himself.
“You mean to say you haven’t gotten any enjoyment out of tonight?”

“Ha!” She was gathering her clothes and putting them on now. “Hasn’t
it ever occurred to you that I might get a little tired of being frigged
and licked every single night? I want a MAN, dammit! Not some little boy
who shoots his wad five seconds after he gets his pants off!”

He watched, unbelieving, as she stomped around the room. This was the
woman he had been so in lust with the last few weeks? Was he really such a
terrible lover? “Why are you doing this to me?”

“You did it to yourself.” she snapped. She was fully dressed by now.
Shouldering her handbag, she turned to him. “I’m leaving now. Until you
learn how to fuck, don’t bother calling me.” Her pretty features twisted
into an ugly ironic smile, “Have a nice life.”

And then she left. Harold stared at the door a long time, his stomach
churning along with his mind. Cindi had deliberately set about to hurt him
in the worst way she possibly could. The only thought that kept running
through his head was WHY?

The sound of a car starting and pulling out floated in through the
bedroom window. Somehow this sound seemed to bring reality back into focus
and his mind started working again. With a snarl he jumped off the bed and
ran to the window, throwing the curtains aside.

He screamed something out the window, causing lights to come on all
over the neighborhood: “YOU FUCKING BITCH!”

He ducked back inside before anybody could see him, collapsing back on
the bed. Nothing was resolved, and some painful issues would have to be
dealt with in the near future.

But he had to admit that, for the moment, he felt a little better.

[From The San Francisco Examiner, June 9]

International pornography magnate and accused racketeer Reuben Sturman
is converting a landmark North Beach strip joint into a big peep-show
arcade, according to city records.

City building inspectors have allowed the Sturman firm to begin tearing
out the club’s interior, but they want assurances that two of the peep-show
booths will be wheelchair-accessible before they will issue a permit for
remodeling….

–

——————

Banana Loaf
———–

2 laughing eyes
2 bowing arms
2 well-shaped legs
2 firm milk containers
1 fur-lined mixing bowl
1 banana

Look into laughing eyes, spread well-shaped legs and slowly squeeze and
massage milk containers gently until mixing bowl is well greased. Check
frequently with middle finger. Add banana and gently work in and out until
creamed. Cover with nuts and garnish with a sigh of relief. Bread is
done when banana is soft. Be sure to wash mixing utensils and do not lick
the bowl.

WARNING: If bread rises, LEAVE TOWN !!!!!!!!

——————–

What do you call a woman who has lost her mind?
A widow.

Why do women have tits?
So men will talk to them.

Why do women have periods?
Because they deserve them.

Why is a woman better than a sheep?
Sheep can’t cook.

Why does a woman have one more brain cell than a cow?
so she doesn’t shit on the floor when she does the dishes.

What is the definition of “Male Chauvinist Pig?”
A man who hates every bone in a woman’s body–except his own.

——————–

Joe: I got a problem.
Ed: What’s the matter?
Joe: Women. I just don’t understand them.
Ed: Do you understand your TV?
Joe: No.
Ed: So what’s the problem?!

——————–

And a little story:
Guy and girl in back of van going at it… Girl says “put a finger in me”
So he does. Then she says “put another finger in me” and he does.
“Put ANOTHER finger in me” and again he does. “Put your whole HAND in me”
and he does… “Put your other hand in me” and again he obeys.
“Now clap” At this point he replies “I can’t!”
“Tight huh?”

——————–

How many radical feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Three: One to change it,
One to support her by holding the ladder,
One to write an indignant essay condemning the use of the
word “screw”.

——————–

A woman pulls over at the gas station, gets out of her car, opens the hood,
and checks the engine oil. After a few seconds of intelligent thinking,
she takes a dipstick in her hand and, raising her chest high, walks up to
the attendant:
“Excuse me sir, but can I buy a longer dipstick?”
“May I ask why you need a longer one ma’am?”
“Because this one isn’t long enough to reach the oil!!”

——————–

Why do women have wrinkles at the corners of their eyes?
Because they learned early in life to squint their
eyes when they say “SUCK WHAT????”

How are women like clams?
You don’t eat them when the red tide comes in.

Definition of entrapment
A snatch with a catch.

—————————————–

I read the other day that the SAT tests are allegedly biased toward white
males and against females and minorities. This is horse crap of the highest
order! As irrefutable evidence, I cite the fact that 2.7 million women
scored higher on the SAT’s than I did the year I took them.

However, in fairness to the ladies, I do remember a question in the math
section that was slightly biased. It was something like this:

Two men and a 135 pound woman are in a pool hall. Man A buys the woman two
pitchers of beer, and man B buys the woman three pitchers of beer. Which man
gets laid?

A. Man A
B. Man B
C. Neither. A 135 pound woman will be dead after 5 pitchers of beer.
D. Both.

Correct answer: B

—————————————–

THINGS YOU CAN SAY TO YOUR WENCH
…End of the part3. To be continued..

We were attired as typical tourists: they were in swim wear; I was
wearing a flat Bahamian straw hat, aloha shirt and walking shorts, and Ellen
was attired in a white sundress with a broad yellow ribbon tied into a
headband around her black hair. Now, as Ellen laughed at a joke, the ribbon’s
long ends were flapping about in the warm breeze. It was difficult making
conversation above the pounding surf and whistling wind.

Jeff, a brawny six-foot-plus with a booming voice, leaned across the
table and asked, “You here in a boat?” His reddish hair was tousled by the
breeze. His stunning blond wife, Virginia, was leaning back in a sun-chair,
which squeaked as she fidgeted and appraised us.

“We flew over,” I told him. Two years before, we’d been here in our
twenty-foot boat. A troublesome storm convinced me I’d never take anyone
else in a small craft, so this time we’d flown commercial, as we have each
time since. “We’re checked in at the hotel.”

Jeff gulped his drink, gestured toward the distant docks, and murmured,
“We’re staying at the marina. They charge an arm and a leg to hook up to
electricity over there. We’re down here from Texas. Where you from?” When I
told him, he responded, “Yeah, well your state’s doing a lot better than mine.
You have Disney World and a state lottery. We have these closed down oil
wells and one hell of a lot of empty offices. We’re thinking of moving to
Florida.”

I grinned, “Doesn’t make Floridians too happy to hear that. Too many
people coming in now. I tell people who’re thinking of moving there that
alligators come out of the lakes at night and drag away little babies.” He and
Virginia chuckled.

Ellen’s a natural conversationalist, but now she was particularly
animated; she’d won them over. Jeff invited us for a tour on their sloop to an
out-island. We declined, explaining that we’d made reservations for an early
dinner at a local calypso club, so Jeff offered, “O-kay, what if we make it an
evening trip, around 7, 7:30? Think you could make that, ol’ buddy?”

I was considering it when Ellen grabbed my arm and blurted, “Come ON,
Bill, let’s DO it!” Turning to Jeff and Virginia, she smiled, “Takes him
forever to make changes in plans!”

I grinned, “Sounds like a great idea.”

That evening, over dinner, Ellen admitted her excitement. I’d noticed her
observing Jeff’s handsome, muscular features at the cabana. She remarked, “I
think they have MORE than just a tour in mind. We’ll see.” We skipped the
floorshow, donned our swim suits in the hotel room, and walked down to the
harbor where Jeff’s 38-foot sloop bobbed amid a line of boats at the unpainted
docks.

Virginia was tossing crumbs at a flock of seagulls swooping and
squawking around her. Jeff looked up from his blue canvas deck chair and
acknowledged,”You’re right on time.” He cast off as soon as we climbed aboard.
The Atlantic was now red beneath the setting sun. I noticed Ellen and Bill
stealing glances at the other now and then, until finally, they were openly
staring. When she turned away, Jeff gazed at her long legs and full,
half-exposed breasts thrusting out beneath the one-piece black suit, completely
bare on the sides except for four thin black ribbons on each side securing the
front and back.

By the time Jeff cut the engines, a half mile from the island, stars were
blinking like diamonds on black velvet. This close to the island, the five-
foot waves we’d plowed through most of the way had calmed. The waters’
crests, silver beneath the moonlight, softly slapped against the hull. The sloop
rocked gently as Virginia and Ellen clambered up the galley stairs to the
deck. Jeff anchored as we stared at the scene off the bow. Beneath the puffs
of gleaming clouds, the island seemed to float on the midnight-blue waters.

Virginia stood on her toes, stretching her arms, as she said, “This
breeze is wonderful!” She casually reached to unhook the top to her red and
white striped bikini; that isn’t unusual for boaters when the sun’s up, but
this was night. Ellen smiled as if to say, “I told you so.” I stared at
Virginia’s breasts, firmed by exercize. Her legs were as long and well-formed
as Ellen’s. She stretched again, her blond hair blowing in the soft warm
gusts. Outlined by the Bahamian moon, she looked like a goddess.

So Ellen slipped out of her suit. She stood nude alongside Virginia, who
turned to evaluate the similarity of their figures; “You’re beautiful,” she
told Ellen, staring down at Ellen’s shaved mound. The contrast between
Virginia, the half-nude blond, and Ellen, the nude brunette, was stunning.

Jeff’s engorged manhood had been evident even before then. But now,
appraising them, he smiled, turning to me as he whispered, “Are you two
swingers? You see, Virginia isn’t, but she’s a ‘watcher,’ and if you are,
we’re interested.” Then, he added, as if I might misunderstand, “I mean I’m
straight, not gay.”

I grinned, almost laughing. I could hardly wait for his reaction when I
told him, “Actually, Jeff, I’m a watcher too. Think Virginia would be jealous
if she saw you with Ellen, while your wife and I watched?”

When we told Ellen and Virginia, the coincidence seemed neither as
humorous nor as surprising to them as I thought it was. I learned later that
Jeff and Virginia had met many other agreeable couples during their travels.

We made small talk as if no one had mentioned “watching.” Ellen stared
at Jeff’s face and body, occasionally looking down at Jeff’s penis bulging
beneath his red biniki trunks. Under a pretense that we going down the stairs
to turn on the stereo, we made our way down to the dimness of the sleeping
quarters where moonlight streamed through a line of portholes. Virginia and I
stood in the doorway. Jeff and Ellen sat on the bunk, looking through compact
disks, selected one, and inserted it into the overhead stereo as Virginia poured
wine. When Ellen passed a wine glass to Jeff, their hands brushed. I could
almost feel the electricity as their eyes locked. Ellen’s soft breasts heaved.
Setting aside the glass on a bunkside table, Jeff leaned to kiss her neck,
moving down to her breasts. She moaned lowly, her lips trembling.

Virginia nuzzled her breasts against my side as I put my arm around her.
Leaning into the doorjam, we gaped, breathing heavily. Jeff and Ellen melded
in a deep kiss, their arms entertwined. Ellen’s hips rotated softly in desire as
she lay alongside Jeff. Virginia looked up at me, her lips trembling, her blue
eyes wild with passion, as she muttered, “God, aren’t they beautiful?” I
agreed, my shaft swelling beneath my trunks. Ellen, her nipples taut,
disengaged to slide to floor on her knees. Her lips grazed his thighs. Gulping,
as if in fear, she took Jeff’s long, raging cock in her mouth. He closed his
eyes, groaning, as her full, pale lips slid over his glistening member. Tears of
passion welled in Ellen’s eyes as she moaned. Her tongue and slender fingers
glided along his dark rubbery shaft.

Now, as Virginia peeled off her bottoms, her hand was massaging her
clitoris. I slipped out of my trunks as I stroked my hardness. Virginia pressed
against me. I slithered an arm around her, cupping a breast, her nipple
standing out like a spike through my fingers. Ellen’s eyes were now wide with
passion as he thrust into her greedy mouth. The intensity of their tempo
increased. Ellen moaned in rapture. His cock had ballooned to massive
proportions, straining her lips as she whimpered.

Withdrawing from her mouth, Jeff lifted her to the bunk beneath a line
of portholes. He kneeled on the floor between her long legs, kissing her
shaved mound. Ellen wailed in desire! Her hips gyrated beneath his tongue’s
manipulations. Her body quaking, she locked her thighs about his head, lost in
their own distant universe of adulterous passion. The smell of their lust
permeated the warm night air.

Virginia placed her arms around my waist, her hips grinding her clitoris
against my leg. “They’re so beautiful,” she breathed ecstatically. She looked
down, her lips trembling as I pumped my shaft.

Jeff’s strong arms enveloped Ellen’s quivering body. He hovered above her
splayed legs, his shaft swaying above her pussy which was quivering up to
touch it. Her lips were parted, her eyes wild and fearful of his large
instrument pushing apart her vaginal folds. She wrapped her legs around his
hips, drawing him deeply within, and yelled out in painful pleasure. Her
vagina was stretching to accommodate his large tool. They shared a sigh as he
buried his full length.

Whimpering, Ellen turned to watch us. Virginia had grasped my cock and
was stroking it as I squeezed the fullness of her breasts. The sight drove Ellen
into ecstasy as her arms enveloped Jeff. She bucked against him, meeting every
thrust into her steaming cave. Virginia’s nostrils flared, her breath huffing,
her mouth open in wild desire. I felt a kinship with Virginia as we watched
our respective mates, united in sin, her husband’s cock plunging into my wife’s
vagina; she mewed, “Oh, god, Bill, don’t you FEEL it happening BETWEEN
them, between US?”

And, yes, I did. Virginia’s soft fist pumped my shaft as she grinded her
blond mound against my leg. Her lips brushed my neck and ears.

Ellen’s head thrashed from side to side, her wide eyes rolling as Jeff’s
thickness filled her. She wailed as her tremoring arms encircled his neck, her
hips lifting to meet her lover’s. Her groin swirled beneath his fervid fucking
as she threw back her head, pleading for him not to stop. His jaw slackened
as he stared down at her, his eyes glazed with lust. Then, Ellen screamed, “Oh
GOD Jeff, I’m going to COME! Please come WITH me!” She mewed helplessly,
her body shivering with the building climax.

Virginia’s hand pumped furiously as she looked up to me, parting her lips.
We kissed deeply. Everyone was moaning, sharing the climactic thunder that
was engulfing us in an emotional hurricane.

At the last moment, Virginia spread her long, taut legs, guiding my cock
into her creaming depths. She screamed in pleasure. Then it happened, the
sexual energy crackling throughout the cabin! I exploded as everyone was
wailing; Ellen and Virginia were crying and writhing madly. Virginia fell to her
knees, taking my length deeply into her mouth. Ellen and Jeff now turned on
their stomachs to watch as Virgina brought me again to hardness, her hair
tossing as her lips slid along my full length. I’d lost track of time until my
semen burst into Virginia’s throat. Ellen and Jeff were applauding. Virginia
bumped to the floor, her arms around my knees, as we turned to look at our
spouses on the bunk. They were laughing.

That was the only time that either Virginia or I had experienced even
that slight an adultery with anyone. Neither of us were sure our spouses truly
understood, but what we had was just perfect.

A Users Manual From The
Computer Relations Institute

The following manual is provided as an aid to those open
minded adults wishing to achieve a more fulfilling and
meaningful relationship with their UNIX computer.
WARNING!!: Do not attempt the more difficult positions
immediately! Start with the simple relationships and work
your way up, or damage to the operator and/or terminal may
result!

LOGON

As in all relationships, you must start by approaching the
terminal and making some small talk. In computer
terminology, this is referred to as “logging on”. It is,
however, just a highly evolved form of foreplay (much like
the singles bar scene). If the computer is receptive to
your advancement (hey what is your sign? #grep
/etc/passwd), then it will respond by asking for a
password. This is the computer’s way of weeding out the
nerds before verifiably engaging in any relationship. It
also sets the term for the give-and-take interrelationship
to follow. If this condition of foreplay is successful, the
user is allowed to “access the computer”. Once this is
past, the user and the computer are ready to network in
some serious entanglements.

CHECK-IN WITH DOT

The computer has a vast and ponderous knowledge that may be
accessed by the temporal user (it’s “been around”). To
decide just what form of relationship will develop, the
computer kindly produces a $ prompt, which evokes the
terminal user to fork up an appropriate response and press
the ENTER key (more about entering later!). How much the $
expects is dependant upon Dot Profile. Everyone knows Dot
don’t they? Dot’s gotta hold on you where you live! Without
Dot’s help you could be awking off in the corner! Dot’s got
your mail! Dot’s got your history for the last several
transgressions, so you’d better be sure Dot is taken care
of properly at the $ prompt. No short changing here! If you
do short the Dot, you’ll be seeing it on the front page of
your news_rc

PROGRAM ACCESS

Ah! The fun part! Most programs require a lot of entering.
Care has to be taken here not to enter the wrong thing in
the wrong place! NOTE: You may find your self entering
repeatedly to achieve any degree of success. You may enter
as hard (often stated “strike any key”) and as fast as you
like, but like any sensitive partner, please be aware of
the computer’s feelings. Automation and modern technology
have produced the most advanced of all partners our multi-
user, multi-tasking environment. (Wouldn’t it be nice if you
could multi-user without fear of catching something,
including bullets.)

PROFICIENCY

The system, if properly approached, will respond almost
instantly and openly to user advances. (Dinner, dancing and
a show aren’t even needed.) As you improve you may even be
able to experience multiple relationships per day. Just
work your way up slowly. (Be careful, you are beginning to
sweat on the keys!)

EXITING

After accessing your favorite program and dwelling on all
the earthly delights available from the depths of the
system, it will soon become time for the climactic end of
the session. This step has been automated to allow the
users to take full advantage of their passions. The system
will be ready to get off any time the user so desires. No
more trying to time things just right! The user types EXIT
and enters for the final time. The computer responds
instantly, and with much relief and gratification, the user
is thrust out, finished and spent from passionate endeavors
in the exiting world of computer relationships. The only
thing that seems a bit unfair is that the computer
immediately begins to invite another LOGON!!

CONSEQUENCES

As in any highly developed personal relationship, certain
responsibilities and consequences exist. Privacy,
especially in multi-user scenarios is non-existent! There
are more ways to see what the user is doing and has done
than you would expect. PID (not pelvic inflammatory
disease) can generate child processes which will then spawn
PPIDs and so on. The awesomeness of the birthing of child
processes can occasionally be interrupted. The cause of
these birth defects is sometimes predictable, and sometimes
cannot be explained, and you wind up with a core dump right
in the middle of your directory! HONESTLY! There are proper
places for dumping. Thankfully, cores don’t smell.

Interruptus and aborting of processes are frowned upon by
the local right-to-life movement. However, the system
doesn’t seem to be at all distressed by multiple interrupts
and aborts. Sometimes its helpful in keeping the process
population from getting out of hand and into the system.

MORE ON MULTI-USER

The computer is the most versatile of all partners. For
those operators who have advanced beyond the one-on-one
scene, the computer is open to many variations. It is
capable of having relationships with many different users
at the same time. (This would be an unpopular subject in
news.soc.singles) It won’t even call you by the wrong name!
Caution for humans needs to be exercised. Multiple
relationships are very difficult for users, and
extraordinarily simple for the computer. Also, the
tirelessness of the computer can often exhaust the most
lascivious user. Hours on hours, days on days, until the
PIDs number 10^6 the computer will keep asking for LOGINS!

PROGRAMMERS

A very elite group of computer relaters exists, known as
“programmers”. This group can delve as deeply into the
mysteries of computer relations as is technically possible
today. It is this group, in fact, that is able to maintain
the computer at the fevered pitch. Not much is known about
the practices of this elite group, but studies are going on
at this time to determine how their complex groupings are
tied into the inner workings of the mighty computers. It
should be noted that relationships between users and
programmers should be approached with precaution. The depth
of knowledge of the programmer may well burn out the more
simple minded users if the computer is not allowed to act
as counselor.
In closing, the user is encouraged to explore the satisfying
world of the computer. Thrust in headlong to the depth of
your ability. Seek the serene but passionate heights of the
most intense programs. You will come away satisfied and
content in the knowledge of a relationship well founded.

DEFINITIONS

GOING DOWN – Occasionally, the entire computer will turn
“frigid” in mid-course and refuse to do anything. This can
be very frustrating to the operators. It is truly traumatic
to the users that are about to exit in the relationship.
The reason for this action is not entirely known. Indeed,
it appears that the result of going down has entirely the
opposite effect than the action practiced by humans on each
other that bears the same name. However the computer can be
made to recover from this withdrawal by very special
foreplay performed by system administrators. (Special users
and programmers). Going down has one redeeming quality. It
is often the cause of the PID numbers to fall nearly to the
extinction level. PIDs and PPIDs are annihilated by the
millions. This is the ultimate in child process evacuation.

COLD START – This is a term for the intricate foreplay practiced
by programmers on a computer that has “gone down”.
It appears that this is the only form of foreplay
that the system will respond to in order to arouse
a withdrawn system to engage in relationships with
the more common users.

WARM START – This form of foreplay between system
administrators and the computer occurs when the computer
has “gone down” from the secret actions of the system
administrators themselves. No one knows why this
ritualistic form of system deprivation is periodically
practiced by this elite group. Some theories suggest it is
a method whereby the programmers drive their satisfaction
from the frustrated energies of the other users.

BACKUP – A back-up is performed by the programmers at
regular intervals. It may be some form of rear-entry or
“back-door” access to the systems most private parts. The
reason for this is also not known., but at times when the
system “goes down”, it would not be possible to bring it
around again had some programmer not performed a “back-up”
recently.

RUNNING- This is a devious practice performed by the
a programming group or system administrators that is thought
TAPE to be a form of electronic bondage. The system is thought
to derive much pleasure from this. We know that it has to
do with the memories of the system, and is therefore thought
to be very important. This act is never forgotten by the
computer unless it is “erased”, which may be some form of
pleasure-trance induced by the programmers.

WARM DUMP – Not much is known about this. Theories presented
by researchers on system relations are so strange and
repulsive that this is most often handled by government
agencies. The droppings for some, called “cores” are
immediate calls to investigation.(Preverts) (Is that the
opposite of Postverts?)
MODEMS – A piece of equipment that can allow for telefornication
by both authorized and unauthorized users if
the system is not properly prepared.

collaborative effort by: Jay Lewis
Pete Rourke

Reasons why
Beer is better than women

A frigid beer is a good beer.
After a beer, the bottle is still worth a nickle.
All you have to do to get head is undo the top and turn it upside down.
Beer always goes down. Easy.
Beer can is worth something after you’ve had it.
Beer doesn’t bother about foreplay.
Beer doesn’t care about your size.
Beer doesn’t care what position your in.
Beer doesn’t care when you come.
Beer doesn’t cry if you don’t talk to it for a week.
Beer doesn’t demand equality.
Beer doesn’t get jealous when you grab another beer.
Beer is always ready.
Beer is always wet.
Beer is never late.
Beer labels peel off without a fight.
Beer never has a headache.
Beer never talks back.
Beer stains wash out.
Beer will never have a another beer.
Beer will never leave you for a cucumber.
Beer won’t get pregnant.
Beer won’t get upset when you come home with beer on your breath.
Beer won’t mind if you fart after you’ve had it.
Beers don’t get PMS.
Beers don’t get fat.
Beers don’t get headaches.
Beers don’t have cellulite.
Beers don’t have periods.
Beers don’t have teeth.
Beers don’t leave wet patches in the bed.
Beers don’t mind if you don’t stay up all night.
Beers don’t nag.
Beers don’t want equal rights.
Beers don,t have mother-in-laws.
Beers improve with age.
Beers never leave pubes in your throat.
Hangovers go away.
Having a Beer won’t give you a sore back.
If you change beers, you dont have to pay alimony.
If you go to a bar you’ll definately be able to get a Beer.
If you pour a beer right, you’ll get good head.
When a beer goes flat, you toss it.
When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer.
When you open a beer you know your the first and only one to have it.
You can carry half-dozen Beers in one hand with little fuss.
You can enjoy a beer all month long.
You can have a Beer cold.
You can have a Beer in public.
You can have as many Beers as you want and they won’t get jealous.
You can have more than one beer a night and not feel guity about it.
You can piss and have a Beer at the same time.
You can share a beer with a friend and it doesn’t care.
You can’t catch syphillis from a Beer.
You don’t have to chat a Beer up before you have it.
You don’t have to wash a Beer before it tastes good.
You don’t have to wine and dine a beer.
You don’t need to dress up to pick up some beers.
You never find a med in your beer.
You never have to wait for a Beers nails to dry.
Your beer will always wait patiently for you, in the car, while you play a sport.

–

** 016
Bill had just returned from a week of honeymooning, and his
best friend asked him how it went. “The first night we did
it nine times,” Bill said.”The second night, eight times.
The third night, seven times. The fourth night, six times.
The fifth night, five times. The sixth night, four times,
and the last night, nothing!”
“Nothing?” his pal asked. “How come?”
“Hey, you ever tried putting a marshmallow in a parking meter?”

** 017
A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat
next to a priest. The man’s tie was stained, his face was
plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin
was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his
newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the
disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, “Say, Father,
what causes arthritis?”
“Mister, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap,
wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your
fellow man.”
“Well, I’ll be damned,” the drunk muttered, returning to his
paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged
the man and apologized.
“I’m very sorry. I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How
long have you had arthritis?”
“I don’t have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.”

** 018
Two high-school buddies were attending the senior prom.
“Suzy wants to go out to my car. She’s really hot,” one boy
said. “I’m really nervous. I know I’ll goof up!”
“Take it easy,” his friend assured him. “All you gotta do is
compliment her. Chicks love to be complemented. You’ll have
her in the palm of your hand.”
About a half-hour later the young man came back, rubbing a black
eye. “Shit, man! What happened to you?!” his buddy asked.
“I took your advice.”
“Didn’t you compliment her?”
“sure I did. We got in my car and started kissing. I told
her that for such full lips, hers sure tasted sweet. She
liked that. After a while I started feeling her tits, and I
told her that for such large breasts they sure were firm.
She like that too.”
“It sounds like you were doing great,” his friend said.
“Well,” the other answered, “that’s when everything went
wrong. I got her dress up and her panties off, and I tried
to think of another compliment.”
“What did you say?”
“For such a large crack, it doesn’t stink much.”

** 019
While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist
capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators
kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old
beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,”Are
there any gators around here?!”
“Naw,” the man hollered back, “they ain’t been around for
years!” “Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming
leisurely toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the
guy,”How’d you get rid of the gators?”
“We didn’t do nothin’,” the beachcomber said.
“The sharks got ‘em.”

** 020
A gambler was telling a friend about his first junket to Las
Vegas and how hard it was to get any sleep. “I was awakened
at one, two and four in the morning by a drunk chorus girl
banging on the door and screaming,” he recalled.
“That’s terrible,” the friend said.” How’d you ever get any
sleep?” “At five o’clock I finally unlocked the door and
let her out,” the gambler laughed.

** 021
Two ferocious cannibal chiefs sat licking their fingers
after a large meal. “Your wife makes a delicious roast,”one
chief said. “Thanks,” his friend said.”I’m gonna miss her.”

** 022
From the outset, the blind date was a fiasco and it was
intensified by the fact that the fellow was too insensitive
and ego-ridden to realize it. The moment of truth came in
the supper club as he clutched the girl’s thigh and
whispered, “Baby, how’s about our cutting out to my pad so I
can slip you nine inches?”
There was a moment of silence, and then the girl said, “You
know, I really don’t think you could get it up three times
in a row!”

** 023
After a wild freeway chase, the motorcycle cop waved the
speeding sports car over to the curb. When he walked up to
the drivers window, he was surprised to find a very
attractive redhead behind the wheel. “Ma’am,” he said .”I’m
afraid we’re going to have to give you a Breathalyzer test
to see whether or not you’ve been drinking.”
The test was taken and as the officer eyed the results, he
said, “Lady, you’ve had a couple of stiff ones.”
“That’s amazing!”the girl cried.”You mean it shows that,too!”

** 024
The blind daters had really hit it off and at the end of the
evening, as they were beginning to undress each other in his
apartment, the fellow said, “Before we go any further,
Charmaine, tell me – do you have any special fetishes that I
should take into account in bed?”
“As a matter of fact,” smiled the girl, “I do happen to have
a foot fetish -but I suppose I’d settle for maybe seven or eight inches.”

** 025
Visiting a lawyer for advice, the wife said, “I want you to
help me obtain a divorce. My husband is getting a little
queer to sleep with.”
“What do you mean?” asked the attorney. “Does he force you
to indulge in unusual sex practices?”
“No, he doesn’t,” replied the woman, “and neither does the little queer.”

** 026
The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband’s
lusty advances on their wedding night and reprimanded him
severely. “I demand proper manners in bed,” she declared,
“just as I do at the dinner table.”
Amused by his wife’s formality, the groom smoothed his
rumpled hair and climbed quietly between the sheets. “Is
that better?” he asked, with a hint of a smile.”
“Yes,” replied the girl, “much better.”
“Very good, darling,” the husband whispered. “Now would you
be so kind as to please pass the pussy.”

** 027
It was a warm, sunny Sunday, so a man and his wife decided
to take in the zoo. They spent the day, and at closing time
they walked past the gorilla cage, and the man noticed the
gorilla looking at his wife.
“That gorilla is getting excited just looking at your tits,”
he said. “Why don’t you take your blouse off and we’ll see
what he does?” At first she declined. But finally persuaded by
her husband, she took off her blouse and bra. The gorilla went
nuts. He started grunting and jumping up and down. “Hey,” the
husband said, “let’s really blow his mind. Take off all your clothes
and we’ll see what he does.” Again she said no and again he persuaded her.
This time theape really went bananas! He climbed up and down the bars,
did flips, ran around in circles and tossed his food all
over the cage. The husband went over to the cage, opened the door and
pushed his wife in. “Now,” said the husband, “tell that
…End of the part2. To be continued..

A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his local doctor and asks
him what he can do. The doctor replies that the illness is quite
serious but can be cured with a small course of two suppos- itories
inserted deep up the back passage. The man agrees, and so the doctor
warns him of the pain, tells him to bend over, and shoves the thing way
up his behind. The doctor then hands him the second dose and tells him
to do the same thing in six hours time using rubber gloves and KY-Jelly
or something.

So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second
suppository inserted, but he finds he cannot reach himself properly to
obtain the required depth. Thus, he calls his wife over and tells her
what to do. The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him
and with the other shoves the medicine home. Suddenly the man screams
in disgust. “What’s the matter?” asked his wife. “Did I hurt you?”

“No,” replies the man, “but I just realized that when the doctor did
that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulders.”

–