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you’d given up hope of it ever coming true it does. It’s like getting a

Christmas present in February. It’s not anything you expect, but it sure

can make you happy. That’s just what happened to me.

Before I share it with you I’ll give you a little background. I was

introduced to the pleasures of sucking cock at the tender age of 15 by one

of the neighborhood tough guys, who was a couple of years older than me.

He thought he was pretty cool, Mr. BadAss “forcing” another guy to polish

his knob, but he soon discovered that you can’t force the eager. It may

have burst his bubble to learn that I liked it, but it didn’t prevent him

from seeking me out. It was after all the perfect arrangement; he liked

being sucked; I liked sucking.

He gave me lots of practice; by the time I turned 16 I was a fairly adept

pole smoker. It wasn’t that I didn’t enjoy doing my neighbor, but after

taking his load at least 150 times I wanted to expand out to new (and

hopefully bigger) things. I looked at any good looking guy I saw as someone

who I could suck if the opportunity arose. It was just a matter of time

before something happened.

That summer, having just got my license, I wanted my own car. My dad made

me a deal. He owned a small manufacturing company. He’d front me the

money for my wheels, but I’d have to pay off my loan by working for him

during all school vacations. Who could pass up a deal like that? So that’s

how I met Eric.

Eric was 20 years old and everything I considered a super hunk to be. He

had short-cropped, sandy blond hair, pale blue eyes, an All-American,

Saturday Evening Post kind of face together with a body that nearly took my

breath away the first time I saw him. He was my definition of

masculine. There’s no denying it, I was in lust at first sight. From the

moment I noticed the bulge protruding from the crotch of his jeans I wanted

to do nothing less than drop to my knees and worship it.

Eric had worked for my dad since his senior year in high school, but we’d

never met. I knew him by reputation only. Dad really liked him, saying he

was a hard and willing worker and dad was never one to hand out compliments

or praise just for the sake of doing so. At the time Eric was sort of a

jack of all trades, learning the entire operation from the ground up. Dad

had great hopes for advancing him as the business grew and prospered. My

summer job was going to be to take over running the outside errands and

office boy duties that he’ been doing while he became more involved in

learning the production end of the business.

Of course this meant that for the first couple of weeks I would be working

with Eric while he trained me. As far as I was concerned this was the

perfect arrangement and I determined to have him before the two weeks were

up. To understand where I was coming from, or at least to put it into

perspective, you need to know that I was an only child with asthma and I’d

become used to getting my own way. Not that I got everything just for the

asking, but if I was willing to work and plot, I usually got what I

wanted. Add to this the fact that I’d led a very sheltered life, despite

the fact that I’d been sucking cock for over a year, and really didn’t know

much about sex in the real world. So it’s somewhat understandable that it

didn’t occur to me that anybody would see anything wrong with one guy

wanting to suck another off, and I certainly didn’t realize that a guy who

enjoyed sex might turn down the offer of a blow job. Not even the fact that

Eric was married with one kid and another on the way deterred me in my

quest.

I certainly didn’t waste any time. We’d been out on the road alone for

about 20 minutes when, not even trying to maneuver the conversation toward

sex I just came out and asked,

“Eric have you ever had a blow job?”

He looked pretty shocked, at least by the abruptness of the question, he

laughed a little nervously and said, “course I’ve had a blow job. I’m

married aren’t I?”

I didn’t know what to say so I blurted out the first thing that came to my

tongue, “your wife blows you?” I’ll admit I felt more than a little stupid.

…End of the part1. To be continued..

Three days later the temperature broke 100 and everybody knew the heat
was here to stay. The air was hot and heavy. Those unfortunate enough to be
working outside or without benefit of air conditioning groaned and cursed
the sun, giver of all life and bringer of all misery.

Skin became a much more common sight as uncomfortable humans stripped
down to the bare neccessities, if not farther, in search of some relief. As
clothes fell away, so did inhibitions as the human, the horniest animal on
earth (who was actually capable of becoming sexually aroused at the mere
sight of the uncovered body of a fellow human of the preferred sex! Imagine
that!) began to follow the urges that nature had imbued them and that they
themselves had honed to a fine and wonderous art.

In other words, once the night cooled off, they started fucking like
rabbits.

But human nature can be a two edged sword, and while one edge was
sweet, the other was very bitter indeed. Hot weather and its attendant ills
caused tempers to flare where they otherwise would have been held with
discretion. Many great home truths, which had been considerately
unmentioned by friends, lovers, relatives, etc., suddenly came out in full
force with the expected arguments and fights following. Frustration at the
endless discomfort caused human to strike out at fellow human in a futile
substitute for lashing back at the true source of their aggravation, a safe
93 million miles out of reach. The local constabulary spent a great portion
of their time quelling these arguments. Of course, being human and just as
uncomfortable as everybody else, their tempers were somewhat shorter than
they would normally have been, and guess who they took it out on? Quite a
number of offenders made their way to the local lockup by way of the local
emergency room.

But all of this was simply human nature, and none of it was very
serious, at least not on a grand scale. Civilization had survived much
worse. But on a personal level some of the catastropies were very serious.
Some lives were changed completely. One such person who’d had his life
changed by the heat was Harold Sykes. And here’s what happened…

The moon poured in through the open window, flooding the bedroom with
an eerie half light. The air was warm, a pleasant 75 degrees. Perfect
temperature for nudity. Cindi settled back on the pillow with a satisfied
sigh of pleasure not yet faded to memory. Harold still kneeled on the bed
between her knees, his erection pounding almost painfully against his
belly. The moonlight spilled across her nude, fluid form, and he lovingly
eyed her firm, small breasts, still hard nippled in the aftermath of her
orgasm. His eyes roamed down her smooth, taut belly to the wiry mass of her
pubic hair, where he had but moments ago spent so much time carefully and
artistically bringing her to a powerful climax. Whatever else you could say
about his performance in the sack, he knew how to give head. It was one of
the skills he was especially proud of.

But enough wool-gathering (bad pun intended). Harold leaned forward,
placing his hands on the bed on either side of her. He kissed her fully and
deeply as he gently lowered his weight onto her. For a moment they simply
lay there, as he savored the full body contact, the feel of her naked skin
against his own. Then he raised his hips and she gently guided him into
her.

For Harold, at least, no sensation in the world could ever compare to
the warm, slinky feeling of penetration. He thrust deep, and her hips moved
in response. His excitement towered to new heights, and his balls ached for
release. Take it slow, take it slow. He kissed her again and ran his hand
along her side, from thigh to shoulder, feeling, touching, loving.

He began to pump in a slow sinuous rhythem, her hips moving with his.
Her legs raised and locked around his waist as her hands moved along his
back. Her breathing became short and rapid, and Harold knew she was
building to another orgasm. With each thrust, his own pleasure mounted to a
new height until finally he poised, breathless, at the brink. Too soon, too
soon…

Too late. He cried out as his seed shot into the warm depths of her
body. Face straining, he pumped again, one last time, trying to squeeze
what last litle bit of feeling might be left after that almost painful
explosion of pleasure. Then he collapsed on top of her, exhausted.

For an endless time he lay, gathering strength. Finally it soaked into
his sated conciousness that something was wrong. Cindi lay beneath him
wooden, unmoving. He looked down into eyes that stared back with cold fury.
“What- what’s the matter?”

The anger in her eyes flared as she placed her hands on his chest and
pushed him off. Her strength was surprising, and Harold fairly flew against
the wall by the bed. Blinking back stars, he looked at her in confusion.

“God dammit!” she yelled.

Frightened now, Harold could only gasp, “What… what…”

“You didn’t even try to make it last!” Hands on hips, her bare breasts
jiggled fetchingly as she shouted. But Harold wasn’t exactly fetched at the
moment.

“I sure did try! It’s not my fault-”

“The fuck it isn’t! You don’t even TRY!” she yelled, “Two pumps, a
tickle, and a squirt and that’s all you’re ever good for! I’m sick of it!”

What the fuck was this? It was hard to believe she had been so
intimate and caring a minute before. Miss Jekyl had just turned into a
raving Miss Hyde and Harold was far too stunned to properly defend himself.
“You mean to say you haven’t gotten any enjoyment out of tonight?”

“Ha!” She was gathering her clothes and putting them on now. “Hasn’t
it ever occurred to you that I might get a little tired of being frigged
and licked every single night? I want a MAN, dammit! Not some little boy
who shoots his wad five seconds after he gets his pants off!”

He watched, unbelieving, as she stomped around the room. This was the
woman he had been so in lust with the last few weeks? Was he really such a
terrible lover? “Why are you doing this to me?”

“You did it to yourself.” she snapped. She was fully dressed by now.
Shouldering her handbag, she turned to him. “I’m leaving now. Until you
learn how to fuck, don’t bother calling me.” Her pretty features twisted
into an ugly ironic smile, “Have a nice life.”

And then she left. Harold stared at the door a long time, his stomach
churning along with his mind. Cindi had deliberately set about to hurt him
in the worst way she possibly could. The only thought that kept running
through his head was WHY?

The sound of a car starting and pulling out floated in through the
bedroom window. Somehow this sound seemed to bring reality back into focus
and his mind started working again. With a snarl he jumped off the bed and
ran to the window, throwing the curtains aside.

He screamed something out the window, causing lights to come on all
over the neighborhood: “YOU FUCKING BITCH!”

He ducked back inside before anybody could see him, collapsing back on
the bed. Nothing was resolved, and some painful issues would have to be
dealt with in the near future.

But he had to admit that, for the moment, he felt a little better.

“Unh-uh. Not so fast babe. Remember those contracts you signed? You want me
to sue your ass off? Looks to me like you don’t even have enough money for
a lawyer.”

Damn! He tricked you. It’s not fair! But you don’t know what to do. He’s
right, you can’t afford lunch, much less a lawyer. So you decide there’s
nothing you really can do. You don’t want to go to jail.

“Ok. What do I have to do to get them back?”

“Just come here and let me be nice to you,” he says, grinning.

You walk over to him, and he again puts his arms around your waist. Only
this time, his hands fall on your ass, giving it a squeeze. You just stand
there. He tells you if you aren’t going to be happy about it, it’s not
worth doing, and he’ll just go call the lawyers. So you decide that as long
as you are going to have to do it, you might as well enjoy it.

He holds you tight, and starts kissing you on the mouth, putting his tongue
in between your teeth. You push back, and swirl yours against him. You feel
him pressing his hardening cock against your skirt, rubbing up and down
against your pubic bone.

He takes your hand and puts it on his cock, through his pants. It feels
big, but you don’t let him know you think so. You’ll play along, but you
aren’t going to give him the idea he’s the best. You figure the best way to
get back at him is to pretend you are the greatest lover in the world, and
he is merely a little boy trying to live in a man’s body. You’ll show him
he’s just a kid.

He puts his hands on your shoulders and pushes you to the floor. After
pushing his jacket out of the way, you unzip his fly, reach in, and pull
out his cock. No underwear, you notice. It’s not huge, but it’s not too
small either. He tells you to be nice to it, and kiss it. Instead, you open
your mouth and shove it way inside. It’s still only partially hard, so it
slides all the way in with no problem. You don’t even gag a little. You
feel the head hitting where your tonsils used to be, and it feels pretty
good. You start to suck on him, flexing your throat muscles around his
shaft, squeezing the length of him. He moans, and pushes his hips against
your face.

After sucking him to his full length, you slip his cock from your mouth,
taking a long time to get it all the way out. He picks you up and drops you
unceremoniously on the couch, making your skirt rise up above your pussy.

He comes over and peels your underwear off (you are wearing no stockings.
Too hot), and unzips the skirt. He takes it off, and throws it behind him.
Then he drops his head between your legs, and starts nibbling on your inner
thighs. Your clit starts to tingle, but you show no sign. He licks up and
down the inside of both thighs before kissing your pussy lips ever so
gently. You feel your clit growing. Oh fuck, you decide. Might as well
enjoy it. So your open your legs wide, and reach down to hold your cunt
open. He takes the the opportunity and delves his tongue deep into your
pussy, licking at the sweet, semi-sticky juices already forming there. Your
start to rub your clit as he mouth fucks your cunt. It has grown to it’s
3/4 inch full length by now, and he moves your hands to suck it. He licks
around it, across it, and rubs his teeth against it. Ooh, it feels good.
It’s been a LONG time since anyone ate you. You squeeze your thighs against
his head, and pull him in tighter. He goes back to licking your slit, and
then pushes a finger into you. You feel it squirming around inside you, and
you start pressing your hips against it. He turns around and gets on top of
you, putting his cock back into your mouth. So THIS is a 69, you think.
Never having done it before, you decide you need to explore more. You start
taking long strokes on his cock, sucking it all the way in, drawing it out
to the head, and then shoving it in again. He is still licking your clit.

He moves and take his hand out of your pussy and replaces it with his
tongue. Then you feel a pressure against your ass. Oh no! He’s not going to
do that, is he? You squeeze your ass, so he can’t get in. He pushes harder
and tells you to relax. Eventually you do, and you feel his finger slip
into your ass. At the same time he pushes his tongue into you as far as he
can get it, and you can feel his finger against his tongue, barely
separated by your pussy walls. You suck him harder, start moving his hips
up and down faster, and feel his balls tighten. You start bucking your hips
against his mouth and hands, and he moans.

He starts shooting his cum into you, and that sets you off, making you come
all over his tongue. You drink him down, swallowing the sweetness of his
cum. Drinking it all in, you don’t miss a drop. You relax as your a orgasm
subsides and brings you back to Earth.

After getting off of you, he asks if you still want your contract back. You
decide “No. I think I’ll try this line of work for awhile. When’s my first
job?”

A young girl asked her mother “Mommy, do you get into heaven feet first?”

“I don’t know, why do you ask?”

“Because the maid’s upstairs with her feet in the air, shouting `God, I’m
coming, God, I’m coming,’ but dad’s on top and won’t let her go.”

–

[From The San Francisco Examiner, June 9]

International pornography magnate and accused racketeer Reuben Sturman
is converting a landmark North Beach strip joint into a big peep-show
arcade, according to city records.

City building inspectors have allowed the Sturman firm to begin tearing
out the club’s interior, but they want assurances that two of the peep-show
booths will be wheelchair-accessible before they will issue a permit for
remodeling….

–

I remember the first time I met her. She worked at a car
rental agency at the airport. I had reason to be in the terminal most
every night and we struck up a casual conversation. This went on for
several months. She was about 5′8″, 145 lbs, brown hair and brown
eyes. Her figure was shapely, and her breasts small but very
attractive. Because of her job, she dressed conservatively, but there
was a very sexy quality about her. Occasionally her blouse would gap
a bit and I would get a glimpse of her bra covered breasts. I was
fascinated. She had a wonderful personality. There were many people
around always so our conversation was casual.

One evening, I was dropping a co-worker at her residence and
was invited in by her mother for fresh cookies. I was about to go in
and received a radio call that I was needed at the airport, at the car
rental counter. Well, so much for the chocolate chip cookies. Duty
called. I got to the airport, about a 5 minute drive, and went in.
She had some information that I had asked about. We joked around and
I mentioned that as much as I needed the information, it cost me some
chocolate chip cookies. We laughed about it and I went on my way.

The next evening, I received another call to the airport. I
went in and there on her counter was a plate of fresh baked chocolate
chip cookies. We talked a bit, over cookies and her customers and
again I went on my way.

Being in a high visibility occupation, I was forced to be very
cautious in my dealings with women, especially since I was married. I
did get brave and wrote a note that said, simply, “Good Morning Lovely
Lady,” sealed it in an envelope and secretly dropped it into her purse
that sat open on the side counter. I figured that in the morning she
would notice the envelope and open it.

Coming back to the present, the rain was now falling as a very
wet snow, and was starting to accumulate on the windshield of my car.
I had the radio on the local soft music station, and had to start the
engine to generate some heat as the outside temperature was about
freezing. A car’s headlights pulled into the deserted terminal, but
it was just turning around.

It was a few days after the “note in the purse” incident
before I saw her again. She tried to seem annoyed at my greeting, but
didn’t act the part very well. I could tell she was pleased. I had
to be careful about spending too much time at the airport for fear
that someone would “notice.”

A couple weeks went by and my wife had a chance to fly off to
a city about 700 miles away and then drive back. She would take the
children. Without much thought, I encouraged her to go as I knew that
she would enjoy the trip and get to see her parents. She would be
gone about a week.

I was working day shift, which ended at 3pm. Saturday came
along and I was off after the shift for two days. What to do with
Saturday evening? There was nothing much at the theaters and even
less on TV. I still had need of some information at the airport so I
decided that probably a little off duty work was in order. I decided
that I would call her up and see if the plane was going to be on time.
My heart leapt as she answered the phone. We talked a bit and she told
me that the plane was running a couple hours late so she was going to
go home and feed her children and then come back as her husband was
out of town. We talked a bit more and the subject of the fantastic
milk shakes at the local drive-in restaurant. They were known
everywhere. I said, in jest, “Why don’t I buy you one after the
flight leaves.” She said “That would be great!” Boy was I surprised.
We agreed that after the plane left we’d meet in the airport parking
lot and go for a shake.

The next two hours were endless. I couldn’t believe that she
was going to spend a little time with me. I actually paced the floor
in my apartment!

The plane came and went and I didn’t get the information that
I wanted. I went out to my car and she came out shortly. She was
wearing a clear rain jacket, a zippered blue jean coat and grey
slacks. I couldn’t see what else she had on. She suggested that we
go in her car as it was less known in the area. We went over to the
drive up window and got two strawberry shakes. We pulled into the
parking lot like a couple of teen agers and shut off the car. We sat
in the car and watched it rain while we enjoyed the shakes. She
un-zipped her raincoat as it warmed up in the car. She eventually
un-zipped the jeans jacket also and disclosed a sheer white blouse.
The dim lighting failed to reveal the exact design, but it was very
alluring. We talked well past the shakes, and I asked if she’d like to
go for a ride. She said she would and would I drive? I moved to the
driver seat and we headed for an ocean overlook about 20 miles away.

It was snowing harder now as my wait at the ferry terminal
lenghtened. She had said about what time she’d be there but I had
gotten there early. My windshield was completely snow covered, but
the snow was so wet that it wasn’t sticking on the ground. I sat
back. turned up the music a little and let my mind wander.

We had sat at the overlook for awhile and just talked. It had
stopped raining and a few stars could be seen. Finally I just sat
looking at her and she at me. I reached over and kissed her. Our
tongues met and we held each other tightly. I reached inside her
jacket and felt her breasts. They were fairly small but firm. She
reacted immediately to my touch. The blouse covering them was silky
and pleasant to the touch. I slowly un-buttoned it, one button at a
time. Her bra was white, and substantial. I lowered the straps and
un-hooked it. We sat and enjoyed each other for awhile and decided
that this overlook was a bit too public. We drove back toward town
and went up to the community college, deserted at this hour. We
parked on a side road and continued our exploration of each other.
She began to feel guilty and we didn’t make love that night. We sat
for a long time and finally she dropped me back at my car.

The ten o’clock news came on the radio and it was now raining
again, dissolving the wet snow that had been falling. A car pulled
into the terminal and went slowly past. I could see that it wasn’t
her, but some other lady apparently on her way to a rendezvous. She
stopped at the other end of the parking area and someone got out of a
car and into hers. They drove off. I watched it as the rain turned
to snow again. She said she’d meet me as close to 10 o’clock as she
could. The news ended and the music began again. It rained harder.

I thought back to another rainy, stormy night when I was
working swing shift, which ended at 11pm. She called about 10:30pm
and said that she had to be at the downtown ferry terminal to meet the
11pm ship. I told her I’d stop by. It was quiet so I got to leave a
few minutes early. She was there and we got into my car and headed
south out of town. We had very little time as we were both expected
home. We stopped at a secluded wayside and were in each others arms
immediately. I undid her blouse and front closing bra and rubbed her
nipples. They became instantly hard and her breath became short and
ragged. I slid her slacks down over her narrow hips and removed her
bikini panties. I removed my pants and entered her. I stroked her in
and out and satisfaction came to both of us almost immediately there
on the front seat of my car. There wasn’t time for formality, but we
had to have each other. We drove back to town and she sat very near
to me. We talked about little things and each secretly hoped that
this wouldn’t be the last timewe would be together.

I could see her car’s headlights coming some distance off as
the snow began to fall again. She pulled up and I got into her car.
We drove off and headed north. We finally pulled into a small road
that lead to a private harbor, totally deserted this time of the year.
We stopped in the parking area and shut off the car. We were
immediately in each other’s arms. Both of us had good reasons to be
away from home this evening so there was no pressing rush. I felt of
her breasts thru her jacket. I could feel her arousal already. She
was wearing a jacket, sweatshirt, sweater, blouse, camisole, and
bra,along with heavy slacks. I commented that she was quite dressed,
even considering the weather. She said that the reason was that she
wanted to see me but knew we shouldn’t make love so she “covered it
all up.” We slowly removed her clothing (and mine). Her bra was
dainty and lacy. It was totally dark but my fingers gave me a better
picture of it that I could have gotten with some light. I finally
entered her and began slowly stroking my cock in and out of her
warm,wet love canal. I took deep, loving strokes and I could feel her
tensing up. She started to climax and just kept on the pinnacle of
ecstacy as I tried to slow my own excitement. She stayed on the peak
of climax for what seemed like forever. I finally couldn’t stand it
any more and I shot the biggest load of cum that I had ever given into
her. I continued to move in and out of her as she subsided. Finally
we napped in each other’s arms as the rain fell and the wind rocked
the car.

It soon became cold and we awoke and slowly dressed. We each
knew that this would be the last time for us as I was being transferred
as was her husband. We drove slowly back to the terminal where my car
was parked and each went our separate ways. The rain was still falling
as we parted and we promised each other that when we heard very hard
rain on the roof, we would think of each other and to this day, I
remember our Dark and Stormy Night whenever it rains.

[I got this from _They Used to Call Me Snow White...But I Drifted_
by Regina Barreca. CTM]

This couple out on a date get a flat while driving along on a snowy
night. He goes out to change the tire, but doesn’t have any gloves
so before long he comes back in, job half-done, with blue hands. “Put
your hands between my legs to warm them up,” says she. So he does,
and goes back out to the flat tire. It’s so cold, he has to come back
in one more time to warm up his hands, again at her invitation,
between her legs. He finally finishes the job and comes back into the
car triumphant and puts the key into the ignition.

She looks at him and says, “Aren’t your ears cold?”

–

Reasons why
Beer is better than women

A frigid beer is a good beer.
After a beer, the bottle is still worth a nickle.
All you have to do to get head is undo the top and turn it upside down.
Beer always goes down. Easy.
Beer can is worth something after you’ve had it.
Beer doesn’t bother about foreplay.
Beer doesn’t care about your size.
Beer doesn’t care what position your in.
Beer doesn’t care when you come.
Beer doesn’t cry if you don’t talk to it for a week.
Beer doesn’t demand equality.
Beer doesn’t get jealous when you grab another beer.
Beer is always ready.
Beer is always wet.
Beer is never late.
Beer labels peel off without a fight.
Beer never has a headache.
Beer never talks back.
Beer stains wash out.
Beer will never have a another beer.
Beer will never leave you for a cucumber.
Beer won’t get pregnant.
Beer won’t get upset when you come home with beer on your breath.
Beer won’t mind if you fart after you’ve had it.
Beers don’t get PMS.
Beers don’t get fat.
Beers don’t get headaches.
Beers don’t have cellulite.
Beers don’t have periods.
Beers don’t have teeth.
Beers don’t leave wet patches in the bed.
Beers don’t mind if you don’t stay up all night.
Beers don’t nag.
Beers don’t want equal rights.
Beers don,t have mother-in-laws.
Beers improve with age.
Beers never leave pubes in your throat.
Hangovers go away.
Having a Beer won’t give you a sore back.
If you change beers, you dont have to pay alimony.
If you go to a bar you’ll definately be able to get a Beer.
If you pour a beer right, you’ll get good head.
When a beer goes flat, you toss it.
When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer.
When you open a beer you know your the first and only one to have it.
You can carry half-dozen Beers in one hand with little fuss.
You can enjoy a beer all month long.
You can have a Beer cold.
You can have a Beer in public.
You can have as many Beers as you want and they won’t get jealous.
You can have more than one beer a night and not feel guity about it.
You can piss and have a Beer at the same time.
You can share a beer with a friend and it doesn’t care.
You can’t catch syphillis from a Beer.
You don’t have to chat a Beer up before you have it.
You don’t have to wash a Beer before it tastes good.
You don’t have to wine and dine a beer.
You don’t need to dress up to pick up some beers.
You never find a med in your beer.
You never have to wait for a Beers nails to dry.
Your beer will always wait patiently for you, in the car, while you play a sport.

–

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play – normally
one club and two balls.

2. Owner of the course must approve equipment before play may
begin.

3. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

4. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and
keep the balls out of the hole.

5. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course
owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.

6. Course owner reserves the right to restrict the shaft length,
so as to avoid damange to the course.

7. Players are cautioned to play the correct hole, as indicated by
the course owner.

8. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until
the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do
so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.

9. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediatedly upon
arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time
to admire the entire course, with special attention to well-formed
bunkers.

10. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or
are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset
course owners have been known to damage a player’s equipment for this
reason.

11. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along, just in case.

12. Players are advised to obtain the course owner’s permission before
attempting to play the back game.

13. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly
scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the
first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they
discover someone else playing what they consider to be a private
course.

14. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times.
Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be
temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful
in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means
of play when this is the case.

15. Slow play is encouraged; however, players should be prepared to proceed
at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the owner’s request.

16. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the
same hole several times in one match.

17. The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.

18. In some states, it is illegal for a course owner to require (or for a
players to offer) a greens fee in excess of the price of dinner.
Course owners must be careful that play not be proposed to members of
the vice squad.

19. Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at
any given course. Additional assessments may be levied by the course
owner and the rules are subject to change. For this reason many players
prefer to continue to play several different courses.

20. It is considered bad form to reveal your score to other players,
or even that you have played the course.

–

** 001
The young girl was having a heart-to-heart talk with her mother on her first
visit home since starting college. “Mom, I have to tell you,” the girl
confessed. “I lost my virginity last weekend.” “I’m not surprised,” said her
mother. “It was bound to happen sooner or later. I just hope it was a romantic
and pleasurable experience.” “Well, yes and no,” the pretty student remarked.
“The first eight guys felt great, but after them my pussy got real sore.”

** 002
“Adam,” the heavenly voice called to the Garden of Eden,
“what did you and Eve do today?”
“We ate some fruit, Lord,” Adam said reverently.
“Did you eat of the forbidden tree?” asked God.
“Yes, Lord, we did,” Adam confessed.
“And then what did you do?” God asked.
“We made mad, passionate love all afternoon.”
“Where is Eve now?” the Lord bellowed.
“She’s down at the brook washing herself out.”
“Oh, no,” the Lord moaned.” Now all the fish are going
to smell like that!”

** 003
Q: How does a Mexican know when it’s time to eat again?

A: His asshole stops burning.

** 004
Two guys wandered into a bar. One of the men shouted to the
barkeeper,”Hiya, Mike. Set ‘em up for me and my pal here.”
Then he turned to his slightly dim partner and boasted,
“This is a great bar. For every two drinks you buy, the
house gives you one. And the pinball machines in the back
are free!”
“That’s not so great,”responded the friend. “There’s a bar
across town That’ll match you drink for drink, and you can
get laid in the back for free.”
“Where is this place?” the first guy exclaimed.
“Oh, I don’t know,” the dim fellow replied, “but my wife
goes there all the time.”

** 005
An Israeli was sitting between two Arabs on a long airplane
flight. He had just removed his shoes and gotten comfortable
when one of the Arabs nudged him and said,”Hey, Jew, go get
us some orange juice.” To avoid any trouble, the Israeli
did so. When he left, both Arabs spit in his shoes.
The Israeli came back with the juice, which the Arabs
gulped down. The rest of the flight was uneventful. The
plane landed, and the Israeli put on his shoes and felt the
squishing inside. He turned to the Arabs and said,”If there
is ever going to be peace in the Middle East, the Arabs will
have to stop spitting in the shoes of Jews, and the Jews
will have to stop pissing in the Arabs’ orange juice.”

** 006
Three doctors were talking about the amazing things being
done in medicine. The first said,”Six weeks ago a man came
in after losing a hand in an accident just as a car crash
victim was brought in dead on arrival. I took a hand from
the dead man and sewed it on the worker’s stump, and today
he’s out looking for a job.”
The second physician said,”That’s not so amazing. Six months
ago I gave a blind man a pair of dead man’s eyes, and today
he’s out looking for a job.”
The third doctor said,”Neither of those cases tops this one.
A year and a half ago we took an asshole out of California,
put it in the White House, and today everybody is out
looking for a job.”

** 007
A well dressed lawyer went into a bar for a martini and
found himself beside a scrungy-looking drunk who kept
mumbling and studying something in his hand. The
attorney leaned closer while the drunk held the tiny object
up to the light,slurring “Well, it looks like plastic.” Then
he rolled it between his fingers,adding,”But it feels like
rubber.” Curious, the lawyer asked, “What do you have
there mister?” The drunk stammered,”Damn if I know, but it
looks like plastic and feels like rubber.”
The lawyer said,”Let me take a look.” And the drunk handed
it over. The attorney rolled it between his thumb and
fingers, then examined it closely. “Yeah, it does look like
plastic and feel like rubber, but I don’t know what it is.
Where did you get it anyway?”
The drunk replied, “Outa my nose.”

** 008
Q: What do you get when you cross a Mexican and a pig?
A: Nothing. There are some things even a pig won’t do.

** 009
Q: How do you know when your girlfriend is too fat?
A: When she sits on your face and you can’t hear the stereo

** 010
Q: What’s the difference between black pussy and a bowling ball?
A: You can eat a bowling ball!

** 011
With the sun beginning to rise, the cabin of the jetliner
was suddenly illuminated. “Who turned on the fucking
lights?” a male passenger, who had been surly since
boarding, snarled at a stewardess.
The girl had had enough of this particular character.”These
are the breakfast lights, sir,” she answered with forced
sweetness. “The fucking lights are much dimmer, and you
snored right through them.”

** 012
“Brace yourself, Mr. Cassidy,” the physician told the
patient on whom he had performed a battery of costly tests.
“You have approximately six months to live.”
“But I don’t have insurance, doctor,” said Cassidy, “and I
can’t skimp and save enough to pay you in that time!”
“All right, all right,” soothed the medical man. “Let’s say
nine months, then.”

** 013
Three women – a German, a Jew and a Polack – all gave birth
to seven-pound baby boys at the same time. The nurses got
the babies mixed up somehow and couldn’t tell which baby
belonged to which mother. After an hour of mass confusion
the father of the German baby decided he’d settle the
problem. He walked into the nursery and lined up the three
infants in a row. He clicked his heels, raised his arm and
shouted, “Heil Hitler!” The German baby snapped to
attention, the Jewish baby shit, and the Polack baby played
in it.

** 014
Even though a fellow was late for his flight, he dashed into
the airport men’s room, pissed,and quickly headed for the
door. At one of the sinks a Marine sergeant was washing his
hands. The Leatherneck called to the man, “Hey, buddy,
in the Marine Corps they teach us to wash our hands after
going to the bathroom.”
The fellow stepped back into the men’s room and looked at
the Marine. “Well, I was in the Navy, Sarge, and they taught
us not to piss on our hands!”

** 015
A man was walking down the street with a baby ape in his
arms when a friend stopped him and asked what he was doing
with the chimp. “I just bought this ape as a pet. We have no
children; so he’s going to live with us just like one of
…End of the part1. To be continued..

Each of these sets of lyrics are to be sung to the infamous Barney tune that
we’ve all seen on the Barney TV commercials starting with the words:

“I love you, you love me, we’re a happy family…”

While showing a little girl running up to hug a man sized purple felt dinosaur
with a sappy voice over of the little girl saying: “I love you Barney.” (I get
emotional each time I think of that scene…. )

– John

– – – – – – – – – – -

Alternate Barney Song Lyrics

“I love you, you love me, toddler beastiality
If you touch me right, I’ll give you a big bone.
Just you wait till we’re alone.”
(Matthew Reinker)

“How about incest, don’t you see? Fun for you and fun for me.
Let’s go find Baby Dot, turn her over and see what she’s got.
We’ll take her out to the back lot.”
(John W. “Jay” Elmore Jr.)

“I love you, you love me, if I’m not on you’ll cry incessently
Tell your parents to buy only Barney
‘Cause tapes and dolls mean money for me.”
(Dale J. Miller)

“I love you, you love me. We’re a happy fam-i-ly…
You don’t need that other family anymore boys and girls.
We have each other now. That’s why we can touch each other like this…”
(Brad Bishop?)

“I hate you, you hate me, we’re the Manson family
With a nick-nack-paddy-wack,stab you in the back
Barney smokes and peddles crack.”
(Chris Krolczylk)

“I’ll squick you, you squick me, let’s squick our whole families!
With a rip, slash, whip it out, stick it in the wound,
Barney loves you, please stay tuned!”
(L.S.V.)

“I love you…you love me, cause you are…so tasty”
(sound of the purple one devouring one of the kids)
Kid1: “Barney, where did Cindy go?”
Barney: “She went on a little trip…to learn about nutrition!”
(Kevin J. Barth)

–

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