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things, don’t they?

These days a mixed marriage elicits very little response from others;

people are more tolerant, more carefree, I guess just more apathetic.

But thirty odd years ago things were very different.

Since Corina and I grew up together in the same small town, neither of

us had any concern for the colour of the other’s skin – she was black,

I was white. That was all we knew and all we cared about. But,

unfortunately, our liberal views were not shared by the whole town.

We matured and I began to see Corina as more than just a childhood

playmate. Her lithe, black body as it undulated under the loose

fitting tops and skirts that she would wear had me experiencing

sensations that I had never previously felt. Corina’s feelings towards

me were also changing; the way that she looked at me with her sexy,

crooked smile and the way that she would brush up against me or touch

my hand or arm sensuously during a conversation made me realise that

she was experiencing the same feelings of young lust that I was.

Whispers were rife all over town – a white man and a black woman

getting together? It was practically unheard of and we were looked

upon with distrust and uncertainty by a lot of the townsfolk.

But Corina and I didn’t concern ourselves with what others thought. We

kept ourselves private and in a world known only to us. Long,

meandering walks out into the countryside became our favourite

pastimes. The clear, blue sky, the sounds of wildlife all around us,

the rich, fragrant scent of the pine forests and the joy of being

together – we felt we had it all!

I never even asked her to marry me; it was something that we both just

expected to happen – as if some unspoken telepathy existed between us.

The ceremony was small and informal. We knew that many of our

neighbours were not impressed by our mixed creed relationship, but

what did we need them for anyway, we had each other.

But feelings surrounding our marriage were intensifying. It seemed

that Corina and I had underestimated the attitude of the townsfolk

towards us and we were about to discover exactly how strongly some of

them felt.

We had moved into a small house on the outskirts of town. The land

surrounding us gave us good crops of fruit and vegetables that

supplemented the meagre rations that my work as a furniture maker was

able to provide. We had few luxuries but were happy spending our

evenings sitting on the porch, watching the stars and planning our

future.

Our sex life was wonderful. Apart from a little touching and fondling

before we married, we had virtually saved ourselves. But now we were

free to enjoy the fruit that we had for so long forbidden each other.

And enjoy we did. I discovered that Corina was extremely sexual. She

would use her body while we made love, twisting and turning her

slender frame to maximise the pleasure for both of us. There seemed

little that she wouldn’t try and I remember the exquisite sensations

that I experienced when she took my dick into her pretty mouth for the

first time.

We were sitting out on the porch as usual that evening. The air was

cool and fragrant and we cuddled up as we watched the sun go down and

the stars begin to pin-prick the darkening sky. The sound of the

vehicle seemed a long was off and I gave it little thought as I buried

my face in my wife’s thick black hair and let my fingers wander over

the dark, smooth skin of her thigh below the hem of her loose dress.

“I think that car’s getting closer, baby.” Corina said with a giggle

as I tickled the inside of her thigh. “Maybe you better stop that

before you go too far. We might be getting visitors!”

“You really want me to stop?” I whispered into her ear.

…End of the part1. To be continued..

it successfully and see how she handled it. He ran a gloved hand over the

frosted intercom panel, stopping and pressing one labeled “9 – Sanders” and

cleared his throat.

“Yes?” It was the sound he’d fallen in love with – the voice of this woman he’d

never met, but knew as intimately as he knew himself.

He immediately assumed the lazy Southern drawl he’d been practicing, covering his

normally flat voice. “Phone company, miss. You a ‘Ms. Sanders’ who wants a

second line installed?” “Oh, yes; you’re early – the person at the office said

this afternoon-” the disembodied voice replied.

“Well, yer lucky; my first call was supposed to be a repair job that’d take all

morning, but they cancelled.” He was having trouble not adding small things like

“darling” or “my lovely lap-dancer”.

“Good; the sooner I get the line installed, the sooner I can log-on and-” The

rest of her plans were drowned out by a harsh metallic buzz. He grabbed his

toolbox and reached to open the door, unable to suppress a grin at the irony of

her statement. He breathed deeply as he mounted the half-flight of stairs,

shaking his head to rid himself of any stage fright. He’d always worried about

the wrong things before – surely this meant that all would go well? The hard

part was getting his body to believe it.

He concentrated on projecting the image of an American phone technician on his

first job of the day. A coil of cable was over his left shoulder, a large

tool-case in his right hand and blue, insulated coveralls obscuring his body from

neck to ankle. A hard hat covered his dark hair – ’she’d spot that right away

after what she said upon getting my picture’ he thought – and to complete the

facade a worn, weathered clipboard in his left hand.

He stepped to the correct door, stuck his gloves in a pocket, placed his toolbox

on the floor, and rapped on the door. To add to the illusion, he stood on his

toes – adding to his apparent height. He also grabbed a pen from his chest

pocket and started ‘writing’ on the clipboard held *just* in between the fish-eye

and his face – right-handed to further lull his prey from detecting her

“Grammar-Checker”.

He was rewarded with a series of clicks and the door opened. “I’d like the plug

near the table over there-” she said as she pointed back into the apartment, and

gasped as the ‘phone technician’ dropped his things and hugged her, surprising

her with a deep, passionate kiss. She felt the bristle of his moustache,

myopically saw the small scar on his cheek, and stopped resisting. When they ran

out of breath, they separated and she cried out his name with a child-like look

of delight on her face. “What ARE you doing here?”

“Gee, what do you THINK, lover? We’ve both been champing at the bit to meet

finally.”

“How’d you do all this?”

“Simple – you mentioned that you were finally getting an ISP and extra phone

line. I stayed at that motel just outside Geneva and waited to see a phone

company van to go by – handy thing, you living in a small town. I was lucky

enough for it to pull into a gas station on the way. When the driver went in to

pay, I slipped up and took a peek at the work orders.”

“But what if I’d have been the first client of the day, or if he hadn’t stopped?”

“Just lucky I guess – there’s only so much planning you can do. Anyway, happy

birthday.”

They kissed again. “Thank you; it’s not ’til Wednesday, but I think this is a

wonderful gift. One question remains – how could you even afford a plane ticket?

You never got that work term in Kansas City!”

“Well, there’s an interesting story that will explain my ability to be with the

one I love…but that will wait for lunch; right now we’ve got some things to

attend to.” His mouth curled into a salacious, wolf-like grin – showing her what

he’d meant every time he added “” to an email comment. He turned to grab his

things in the hall and was rewarded with a slap on the buttocks.

…End of the part1. To be continued..

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I pulled up in front of my mother’s house and beeped the
horn. My daughters, 12 and 10, came running out and I waved at
their Granny as I pulled away.
Melissa, the 12 year old, looked over at me, “Wow, Mom, what
have you been doing? You look a mess”
Krissy concurred from the back seat, “Yeah, your hair looks
terrible.”
I asked them about their day and we went through McDonald’s
Drive-Thru without incident. At home, Frank was just getting out
of his car as we pulled up. He waited and then kissed us all on
the cheeks.
“Hi, Honey. You look like you had a tough day.”
“Yeah, it was long and hard. The girls already told me my
hair was a mess. They just don’t appreciate the effort I went
to, to get it looking this way!”
He tousled it with his hand, “I noticed, but I thought it
looked sexy. How was the traffic on your end?”
I smiled at him, “Well, Dear, the Beltway was a real mess.
I won’t soon forget today’s traffic jam. This one guy was really
zipping in and out, then he got behind me, and he just wouldn’t
get off my ass.”
Frank patted my shoulder, “I know, Julie, there are some
real fucking assholes out there.”
“You can say that again, Honey.”
Maybe the guilt would come later.
Then, again, maybe it won’t!

[From The San Francisco Examiner, June 9]

International pornography magnate and accused racketeer Reuben Sturman
is converting a landmark North Beach strip joint into a big peep-show
arcade, according to city records.

City building inspectors have allowed the Sturman firm to begin tearing
out the club’s interior, but they want assurances that two of the peep-show
booths will be wheelchair-accessible before they will issue a permit for
remodeling….

–

CANONICAL LIST OF ‘HOW THEY DO IT’s

A king does it with his official seal.
AI hackers do it with rules.
AI hackers do it breast first.
AI hackers make a big production out of it.
AI hackers do it with robots.
AI hackers do it robotically.
AI hackers do it artificially.
AI hackers do it depth first.
AI hackers do it with robots
APL programmers do it with stile
APL programmers are functional.
APL programmers do it backwards.
APL programmers do it backwards.
Accountants do it with double entry.
Accountants do it with balance.
Accountants are good with figures.
Acrophobes get down.
Actors do it on stage.
Actors do it on cue.
Actors play around
Ada programmers do it by committee.
Ada programmers do it in packages.
Advertisers use the “new, improved” method.
Advertising majors do it with style.
Aerobics instructors do it until it hurts.
Aerospace Engineers do it with lift and trust.
Agents do it undercover.
Air Traffic Controllers do it in the dark.
Air Traffic Controllers tell pilots how to do it.
Air traffic controllers do it by radar.
Airlifters penetrate further, linger longer, and drop a bigger load
Alpinists do it higher.
Ambulance drivers come quicker.
Analog hackers do it continuously.
Anglers do it with worms.
Animators do it 24 times a second
Ansi does it in the standard way.
Archeologists like it old.
Architects have great plans.
Arsonist do it with fire.
Artillerymen do it with a burst.
Artists do it by design.
Artists are exhibitionists.
Artists do it with emotion
Artists do it with creativity.
Assassins do it from behind.
Assembler programmers do it one-to-one.
Assembly line workers do it over and over.
Astronauts do it in orbit.
Astronomers do it while gazing at Uranus.
Astronomers can’t do it with the lights on
Astronomers do it with Uranus.
Astronomers (astrophysicists) do it with a Big Bang.
Astronomers do it under the stars.
Astronomers do it with thier Telescopes (Refraction periods?)
Astronomers do it in the dark.
Astronomers do it with stars.
Astronomers only do it at Night
Attorneys make better motions.
Auditors like to examine figures.
Authors do it by rote.
Auto makers do it with standard equipment (or optional equipment).
B&Ders do it with their hands tied behind their backs!
BASIC programmers GOTO it.
Babysitters charge by the hour.
Backstrokers do it face up
Bailiffs always come to order.
Bakers knead it daily.
Bankers do it with interest. (However, there is a penalty for early withdrawal)
Banker – Past performance is no guarantee of future potential…
Bananas do it in bunches.
Band members do it in front of 100,000 people.
Band members do it in a parade.
Band members do it in sectionals.
Band members do it all night.
Band members do it on the football field.
Band members do it in public.
Barbarians do it with anything. (As do orcs.)
Barbers do it with shear pleasure.
Bartenders do it on the rocks.
Baseball Players (Sports people) Do it for alot of Money
Baseball players make it to first base.
Baseball players hit more home runs.
Baseball players have leather-covered balls.
Basic programmers do it all over the place.
Basic programmers do it all over the place.
Basketball players have big rubber balls.
Basketball players dribble before they shoot
Basketball players score more often.
Beekeepers like to eat their honey.
Beer brewers do it with more hops.
Beer drinkers get more head.
Beta Testers do it looking for mistakes.
Bicyclists do it in 10 speeds.
Biochemists make better lovers…want us to make *you* one?
Bio – Does that mean your offering to make a better lover than the one I alrea
dy have, or to improve ME?!??
Biologists do it with clones.
Bo Jackson knows doing it.
Boardheads do it with stiff masts.
Body-builders do it with muscle
Bookkeepers do it with double entry
Bosses delegate the task to others.
Bowlers have bigger balls.
Breaststrokers touch with both hands
Bricklayers lay all day.
Bridge players try to get a rubber.
Bridge players do it with finesse.
Broadcast/Cable Majors do it on film.
Broadcast/Cable Majors do it to epic proportions
Building inspectors do it under the table.
Bus drivers come early and pull out on time.
Butchers have better meat.
Butchers do it with dead meat.
C programmers continue it.
C programmers do it with lint.
C programmers SWITCH often.
C programmers SWITCH and then BREAK it.
C programmers SWITCH and then BREAK it.
C programmers continue it.
C’Bers do it on the air.
C++ programmers do it with their friends, in private.
CIA operatives do it with a security blanket.
COBOL hackers do it by committee.
COBOL programmers do it very slow.
COBOL programmers do it very slow.
CS111 students do it with interspersed comments.
CS111 students do it in binary.
CS111 students do it with ORGs.
Californians do it laid back.
Campers do it in a tent.
Cardiologists do it lightheartedly.
Cardiologists do it halfheartedly.
Carpenters hammer it harder.
Carpet layers do it on the floor.
Cartoonists do it with just a few good strokes.
Cavaliers do it mounted.
Cheerleaders do it with more enthusiasm.
Cheerleaders do it enthusiastically.
Chefs do it in the kitchen.
Chefs do it for dessert.
Chemical engineers do it in packed beds.
Chemists do it reactively.
…End of the part1. To be continued..

1. You can always turn on a car.
2. You are always in the driver’s seat.
3. You can drive a car anywhere.
4. You can share a car with your friends.
5. The car will always do what you make it do.
6. You can always buy a new one if you want to.
7. A car doesn’t complain about lack of attention.
8. If a car breaks down, you can always fix it up right.
9. A car doesn’t mind if you drive around in other cars.
10. There’s enough room in a car for 4 to 6 people.
11. You can swear at a car, up and down, and it won’t get offended.
12. If you kick a car, it will still run strong.
13. You can toot a car’s horn anytime and it won’t get upset.
14. You can feed a car and it will go as far as it can for you.
15. A car won’t give you any suprises no matter how many times
you get in and out of it.

Remember:
Man’s equivalent of a woman’s diamond ring is a car.

–

Reasons why
Beer is better than women

A frigid beer is a good beer.
After a beer, the bottle is still worth a nickle.
All you have to do to get head is undo the top and turn it upside down.
Beer always goes down. Easy.
Beer can is worth something after you’ve had it.
Beer doesn’t bother about foreplay.
Beer doesn’t care about your size.
Beer doesn’t care what position your in.
Beer doesn’t care when you come.
Beer doesn’t cry if you don’t talk to it for a week.
Beer doesn’t demand equality.
Beer doesn’t get jealous when you grab another beer.
Beer is always ready.
Beer is always wet.
Beer is never late.
Beer labels peel off without a fight.
Beer never has a headache.
Beer never talks back.
Beer stains wash out.
Beer will never have a another beer.
Beer will never leave you for a cucumber.
Beer won’t get pregnant.
Beer won’t get upset when you come home with beer on your breath.
Beer won’t mind if you fart after you’ve had it.
Beers don’t get PMS.
Beers don’t get fat.
Beers don’t get headaches.
Beers don’t have cellulite.
Beers don’t have periods.
Beers don’t have teeth.
Beers don’t leave wet patches in the bed.
Beers don’t mind if you don’t stay up all night.
Beers don’t nag.
Beers don’t want equal rights.
Beers don,t have mother-in-laws.
Beers improve with age.
Beers never leave pubes in your throat.
Hangovers go away.
Having a Beer won’t give you a sore back.
If you change beers, you dont have to pay alimony.
If you go to a bar you’ll definately be able to get a Beer.
If you pour a beer right, you’ll get good head.
When a beer goes flat, you toss it.
When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer.
When you open a beer you know your the first and only one to have it.
You can carry half-dozen Beers in one hand with little fuss.
You can enjoy a beer all month long.
You can have a Beer cold.
You can have a Beer in public.
You can have as many Beers as you want and they won’t get jealous.
You can have more than one beer a night and not feel guity about it.
You can piss and have a Beer at the same time.
You can share a beer with a friend and it doesn’t care.
You can’t catch syphillis from a Beer.
You don’t have to chat a Beer up before you have it.
You don’t have to wash a Beer before it tastes good.
You don’t have to wine and dine a beer.
You don’t need to dress up to pick up some beers.
You never find a med in your beer.
You never have to wait for a Beers nails to dry.
Your beer will always wait patiently for you, in the car, while you play a sport.

–

** 001
The young girl was having a heart-to-heart talk with her mother on her first
visit home since starting college. “Mom, I have to tell you,” the girl
confessed. “I lost my virginity last weekend.” “I’m not surprised,” said her
mother. “It was bound to happen sooner or later. I just hope it was a romantic
and pleasurable experience.” “Well, yes and no,” the pretty student remarked.
“The first eight guys felt great, but after them my pussy got real sore.”

** 002
“Adam,” the heavenly voice called to the Garden of Eden,
“what did you and Eve do today?”
“We ate some fruit, Lord,” Adam said reverently.
“Did you eat of the forbidden tree?” asked God.
“Yes, Lord, we did,” Adam confessed.
“And then what did you do?” God asked.
“We made mad, passionate love all afternoon.”
“Where is Eve now?” the Lord bellowed.
“She’s down at the brook washing herself out.”
“Oh, no,” the Lord moaned.” Now all the fish are going
to smell like that!”

** 003
Q: How does a Mexican know when it’s time to eat again?

A: His asshole stops burning.

** 004
Two guys wandered into a bar. One of the men shouted to the
barkeeper,”Hiya, Mike. Set ‘em up for me and my pal here.”
Then he turned to his slightly dim partner and boasted,
“This is a great bar. For every two drinks you buy, the
house gives you one. And the pinball machines in the back
are free!”
“That’s not so great,”responded the friend. “There’s a bar
across town That’ll match you drink for drink, and you can
get laid in the back for free.”
“Where is this place?” the first guy exclaimed.
“Oh, I don’t know,” the dim fellow replied, “but my wife
goes there all the time.”

** 005
An Israeli was sitting between two Arabs on a long airplane
flight. He had just removed his shoes and gotten comfortable
when one of the Arabs nudged him and said,”Hey, Jew, go get
us some orange juice.” To avoid any trouble, the Israeli
did so. When he left, both Arabs spit in his shoes.
The Israeli came back with the juice, which the Arabs
gulped down. The rest of the flight was uneventful. The
plane landed, and the Israeli put on his shoes and felt the
squishing inside. He turned to the Arabs and said,”If there
is ever going to be peace in the Middle East, the Arabs will
have to stop spitting in the shoes of Jews, and the Jews
will have to stop pissing in the Arabs’ orange juice.”

** 006
Three doctors were talking about the amazing things being
done in medicine. The first said,”Six weeks ago a man came
in after losing a hand in an accident just as a car crash
victim was brought in dead on arrival. I took a hand from
the dead man and sewed it on the worker’s stump, and today
he’s out looking for a job.”
The second physician said,”That’s not so amazing. Six months
ago I gave a blind man a pair of dead man’s eyes, and today
he’s out looking for a job.”
The third doctor said,”Neither of those cases tops this one.
A year and a half ago we took an asshole out of California,
put it in the White House, and today everybody is out
looking for a job.”

** 007
A well dressed lawyer went into a bar for a martini and
found himself beside a scrungy-looking drunk who kept
mumbling and studying something in his hand. The
attorney leaned closer while the drunk held the tiny object
up to the light,slurring “Well, it looks like plastic.” Then
he rolled it between his fingers,adding,”But it feels like
rubber.” Curious, the lawyer asked, “What do you have
there mister?” The drunk stammered,”Damn if I know, but it
looks like plastic and feels like rubber.”
The lawyer said,”Let me take a look.” And the drunk handed
it over. The attorney rolled it between his thumb and
fingers, then examined it closely. “Yeah, it does look like
plastic and feel like rubber, but I don’t know what it is.
Where did you get it anyway?”
The drunk replied, “Outa my nose.”

** 008
Q: What do you get when you cross a Mexican and a pig?
A: Nothing. There are some things even a pig won’t do.

** 009
Q: How do you know when your girlfriend is too fat?
A: When she sits on your face and you can’t hear the stereo

** 010
Q: What’s the difference between black pussy and a bowling ball?
A: You can eat a bowling ball!

** 011
With the sun beginning to rise, the cabin of the jetliner
was suddenly illuminated. “Who turned on the fucking
lights?” a male passenger, who had been surly since
boarding, snarled at a stewardess.
The girl had had enough of this particular character.”These
are the breakfast lights, sir,” she answered with forced
sweetness. “The fucking lights are much dimmer, and you
snored right through them.”

** 012
“Brace yourself, Mr. Cassidy,” the physician told the
patient on whom he had performed a battery of costly tests.
“You have approximately six months to live.”
“But I don’t have insurance, doctor,” said Cassidy, “and I
can’t skimp and save enough to pay you in that time!”
“All right, all right,” soothed the medical man. “Let’s say
nine months, then.”

** 013
Three women – a German, a Jew and a Polack – all gave birth
to seven-pound baby boys at the same time. The nurses got
the babies mixed up somehow and couldn’t tell which baby
belonged to which mother. After an hour of mass confusion
the father of the German baby decided he’d settle the
problem. He walked into the nursery and lined up the three
infants in a row. He clicked his heels, raised his arm and
shouted, “Heil Hitler!” The German baby snapped to
attention, the Jewish baby shit, and the Polack baby played
in it.

** 014
Even though a fellow was late for his flight, he dashed into
the airport men’s room, pissed,and quickly headed for the
door. At one of the sinks a Marine sergeant was washing his
hands. The Leatherneck called to the man, “Hey, buddy,
in the Marine Corps they teach us to wash our hands after
going to the bathroom.”
The fellow stepped back into the men’s room and looked at
the Marine. “Well, I was in the Navy, Sarge, and they taught
us not to piss on our hands!”

** 015
A man was walking down the street with a baby ape in his
arms when a friend stopped him and asked what he was doing
with the chimp. “I just bought this ape as a pet. We have no
children; so he’s going to live with us just like one of
…End of the part1. To be continued..

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