Archive for the ‘milf cruiser’ Category

A Birthday Wish Come True part3

Sunday, March 22nd, 2009

He took another couple of minutes to bring the sweater up to her shoulders,

avoiding her breasts the whole time. He then snapped her arms up, whipped off

the article of clothing, and extricated her glasses from it, replacing them over

her eyes. She held her breath, expectantly.

“Ahhhh – Beautiful,” he breathed as his fingertips traced delicate patterns

around the two globes in front of him.

“You’re sure they’re not too small for my body?” was the concerned question.

“Hardly, they’re fantastic – remember the line from _Weird Science_? ‘Anything

more than a handful is wasted.’” His attentions were evoking some response from

her body. He leaned down and ran the point of his outstretched tongue around the

rim of her areola. She shivered and the nipple stiffened. He flicked across it,

and proceeded to do the same with her other breast. His hands stroked their soft

undersides, running up the sides to rest on them, thumbs over her now hard

nubbins. His mouth slid down to kiss the valley between them and his digits

started to rub circles over the tips of her breasts. She moaned, took his head

in her hands, and pulled him up to her face.

Their lips met quickly, hungrily sucking each other’s taste into their own

mouths, their tongues attempting to fuse together. She withdrew to breathe, and

he nibbled on her lower lip. He then eased up, and playfully licked the

underside of her nose, between her nostrils. She cooed, and started to knead his

chest in reply to his hands’ ministrations. His nose nudged her glasses up onto

her forehead and he kissed each closed eye. He lay on his side next to her and

whispered in her ear, his hot breath distracting her from his meaningless words.

She rolled to face him, kissed his cheek and announced “You keep that up and I’m

gonna have to get out the restraints!” He chuckled in reply to her standing joke

of “two fun-filled weeks of being tied to my bed” that he had won. She slid down

his body, kissing and massaging as she went, and eliciting contented sighs from

her visitor. Eventually she reached the only clothing he was still wearing. She

glanced up and asked, grinning “May I see the fruit of your loom?”

“What-” he stopped as he realized the gist of her request. He smiled and shrugged

good-naturedly. She returned her attention to the task at hand, hooking her

index fingers into his waistband and inching the shorts down. He was stimulated

by the friction of the elastic on his member as it was slowly revealed, and

gritted his teeth in anticipation. She tugged the underwear past the tip, and

his cock sprang out, fully erect.

“Well, I guess you ARE happy to see me!” She gasped.

“Gee – I’m offended you even thought otherwise,” he chided.

“Careful, man – you *are* in a compromising position!” She playfully tapped his

head, and he flinched with excitement.

“Mental note: never upset a woman who has you by the short and curlies,” he

breathed as she began to inspect her new toy. He squirmed as she stroked his

length and then ran a finger over his circumcised head. He gasped a warning to

her “Careful with that thing – it’s loaded and hasn’t been ‘fired in anger’ in a

long time!”

“Well, there’s only one way of ‘clearing the barrel’, you know,” she replied and

continued to stroke him. He moaned and clenched the sheets in his hands. She

massaged his balls with her free hand, evoking a shiver in his body. “I can’t -”

he hissed and came; his semen flying from his prick to land on his groin and her

bare breasts and abdomen. “I…I’m…sorry,” he gasped, visibly shaken.

“Don’t worry, it was a long time coming, and I’m sure your gentlemanly nature

won’t leave a lady unsatisfied,” she teased, twirling a finger in one pool of his

cum on her chest. “Hmm, now what *can* we do in the meantime…” Her smile was

suggestive and faintly cat-like.

He inhaled, turning it into a predatory snarl as he raised himself up and stalked

across to her, lapping his jism from her breasts. She glanced down in surprise.

His gaze met hers as he began to massage her nipples. “No, I’ve never done that

before – it’s a little bitter, but if it gives me a chance to suckle these lovely

orbs…”

He stopped talking as he ran his tongue around her tit, decreasing the circles he

made and stopped at the areola, clasping its tip between his lips. “Mmmmmmmmm”

she groaned, and leaned back against the bedpost as his tongue tickled her

…End of the part3. To be continued..

MY MOTHER SUSAN part5

Sunday, February 22nd, 2009

“How’re you doing, Billy?” she asked as she belted her robe.

“Doin’ OK, Mom,” I replied, trying to sound cool and collected

when I was anything but. “You like to play some tennis?”

“Love to,” she replied. “Now?”

“Sure, now.”

“OK,” she tossed over her shoulder as she walked to a tall chest of

drawers and picked out a pair of small white cotton panties. I’d become

aware of what undergarments she wore for what occasions and white

cotton were for sports.

Her robe was clingy, hugging her body and buttocks. I was acutely

aware of her prominent nipples and the swell of her rounded mons as she

faced my direction. Then, glancing directly at me for a moment, she turned

away and, unbelting the robe, she stepped into the panties, pulling them up

firmly into her crotch, snapping the elastic. It took no more than brief

seconds, but time seemed to slow down and she moved in slow motion.

She was standing in front of a large, south-facing slider window,

and intensely back lit. The sheerness of her robe allowed the bright sun to

highlight her body silhouette and I could see her remarkably well through

the translucent robe. I gazed in rapt awe at the long-legged outline of her

figure, the shadow of a full breast swinging forward as she bent to step into

her panties. I thought of ripe fruit.

Suddenly it was very still in the room. I think I was holding my

breath. Was she really aware of me there? Did she know what I was

seeing? I knew her as too quick and too smart to be unaware of how she

looked. Were we slowly escalating to a new level of intimacy? And if so,

could I ever acknowledge it?

As she pulled the robe away from her body for a moment, I caught

no more than a flash of one rounded hip and thigh and it thrilled me. From

a lower drawer, she pulled out a pair of white tennis shorts and employing

the same visual screen of her robe, pulled them on, again pulling them tight

into her crotch. In my mind’s eye. I could see her puffy mons

In a moment, I became aware that my dick was swelling and caught

down the leg of my shorts, feeling bent and painful. Before she looked

back, I adjusted myself.

Now what? I knew she kept her bras and shirts in the same chest of

drawers. Would she select them and go into her closet, or even into her

bathroom to don them? I watched as she picked out a brief white cotton

bra and a white T-shirt. Again, she glanced at me, and then shrugging her

shoulders as if to say, “Oh, the heck with it,” she turned away, let her robe

drop to the floor where it pooled at her feet. She quickly put her bra on,

hooking it in the back with a nimble facility that comes as the result of long

practice. Magicians, I think, have the same facility.

I saw, perhaps as never before, how narrow her waist was and how

beautifully full her hips were under her long and delicately curved back. It

was more pronounced and exaggerated by all that flesh! It took but

seconds to don her bra, but it wasn’t quick enough, for I snapped a mental

picture of a back and side view of her full breast before it disappeared. Yet

another lurch in my groin. I was a goner.

She looked back. I smiled, wanting her to know that I had seen

her, but not wanting to act snide or smart ass. “Nice,” I said.

She returned the smile and turned toward me as she was pulling the

T-shirt over her head. Again, for a brief moment, I saw her en face,

appreciating how skimpy the bra was and how much of her breast simply

appeared to ride as much above of the cup as in it.

I don’t recall who won at tennis that day. What I do recall is the

moment of watching her bend over, nude under her robe, and lifting one

foot, place it into the leg hole of those white cotton panties. Later, looking

at the panty line under her shorts, I thought to myself, “I’ve *got* to see

more of her.”

…End of the part5. To be continued..

MY MOTHER SUSAN part16

Monday, February 16th, 2009

holding her wrists above her head. I whispered in her ear, “I want you to

get on your knees, facing away from me. I’m going to fuck you from the

back.”

She gasped, “My ass?”

“That’ll be later, little girl,” giving her my oil-can Harry voice,

“Right now, I want to sink into your woman place, that sweet, hot girl

pussy, but from the back. Doggie position.”

Would my dignified mother submit to kneeling in front of me, ass in

the air, that I might fuck her like an animal?

As she was scrambling around she said over her shoulder, “God,

Billy. I love it doggie style. How’d you know?”

Kneeling just behind her, I looked down at her very narrow waist

and her beautiful ass and replied, “Didn’t. But I do now. You’re pussy

looks so sweet, pooched out that way between your legs.”

“Jesus, you’ve got a wonderfully dirty mouth.” Then she chuckled,

adding, “And I love it.”

She lowered her head to her crossed forearms, accenting the sway

of her back. With her ass pointing up, the cheeks of her buttocks opened

and I could see for the first time her ass hole. It was tan, slightly darker

than the surrounding skin, puckered and tight looking. I wondered if she’d

ever had Dad’s cock in her butt.

“You’re looking at my ass, aren’t you?” As if reading my mind, she

added, “I love anal sex but your father thinks its somehow dirty.”

“Susan, I’ve dreamed of this. Months . . . couple of years even.

And now we’re here. It’s one of those rare times when the realization is

greater than the expectation.”

“Don’t tease me, Billy. Touch me. I’m hungry for you.”

With the fingers of my right hand pointing down, I hooked my

thumb in her pussy and cupped her mons. I’d read of the so-called G-spot

and searched for it with my thumb. Almost instantly I was rewarded.

“Umph . . . yes! Right there! God, what you’re doing to me. I

can’t believe this.”

I rolled the pulp of my thumb over that slightly raised tissue under

her pubic bone as I fingered her clit on the outside. With my left hand, I

traced feather-light touches around the rim of her anus. The sphincter

tightened and then relaxed. I pushed the tip of my left index finger against

her anal opening, applying constant but gentle pressure.

“Oh, God. What are you doing? I can feel so many feelings but I

can’t tell where they’re coming from. You’re driving me ca-RAY-zy.”

Her hips were rolling and I had only to hold my right hand still to

allow her to set the rhythm and intensity. I continued to gently apply

pressure to her anal sphincter, occasionally bending down to drop a dollop

of spittle on her softening ass hole.

“Yes, yes, yes,” she chanted. “Do that. Do *everything*!”

As she rolled her pelvis, pushing butt back against me, my left index

finger slowly slipped into her ass up to the first and then the second joint

and finally all the way. Curving my finger forward in her rectum, I could

feel my thumb in her pussy through the thin wall of tissue separating those

two cavities. God, I couldn’t believe what was happening!

Her orgasmic song started again, initially deep in her chest and

raising to her throat, ending in a wail. Vocal restraint was not her strong

suite. For one who was normally so properly restrained, it clearly did not

extend to sexual passions and orgasms. I idly wondered if my neighbors

could hear her, and then dismissed it, not caring a whit if they did.

We both slumped to a pile of entangled limbs, she exhausted from

another orgasm and me . . . well just emotionally wiped out.

…End of the part16. To be continued..

I Spy

Monday, February 2nd, 2009

This is a factual account of how I caught my wife of seven years
screwing other men. I have changed the names of all parties for
obvious reasons but otherwise the events below are true.

At the time of this story my Dena was 29 years old, about 5′ 5″
with stylish blond hair. She’s trim and without doubt her face and
ass are her best assets. She is a former state beauty pageant
winner and her features are smooth and defined, like her
personality. She’s a knock out in a bikini and enjoys the attention
she gets form other men.

We had heard of men who encourage and enjoy watching their spouse
have sex with other men. We were fascinated and aroused by reading
such stories in magazines about swinging and mate sharing and I
often fantasized about seeing my wife screw another man. Dena and
I had talked about a threesome but I never really thought it would
happen. That was until four years ago.

Shortly after accepting a new sales position that required
extensive travel I began to suspect Dena of having an affair. The
idea of her falling in love with another man didn’t enter into my
thoughts but I was convinced that she was seeing someone. I
secretly hoped my suspicions were true and often made excuses that
I had to stay out of town overnight when it wasn’t really required.

Many times I would lay awake fantasizing about Dena with another
man as I lay alone in my motel room. I imagined her rushing off to
meet her lover as soon as our nightly phone conversation ended. On
several occasions I waited ten or fifteen minutes and called home
again only to hear up to five minutes of unanswered ringing. I
would do this every half hour or so until around one or two in the
morning she would answer the phone. I always hung up without saying
anything. I never told Dena that I had called back and she never
said anything about going out anywhere.

This behavior continued for about two or three weeks and just when
I had made plans to try and catch her she started answering each
time I called home. Dena began to complain that someone was calling
and hanging up the phone when she answered so I waited much longer
between calls.

I became disappointed because now it seemed that my suspicions were
unfounded or the affair had ended. I began fantasizing about ways
of having her seduced when another set of events began occurring.

I was at our local club having a drink at the bar when a neighbor
I knew only slightly came in and took the stool next to mine. Our
conversation was casual but he asked a question that caused me to
rethink my doubts about Dena and a possible affair.

During our conversation our neighbor asked how I liked my new car.
At first I thought he was talking about my new company car which is
a Buick. I told him that I really liked the car and that I was very
satisfied with the gas milage. It wasn’t until he said how he too
would like to have such a car but that he certainly couldn’t afford
anything so expensive. I knew a Buick was well within his means so
he A) Had me confused with someone else. Or B) Someone driving an
expensive automobile was visiting my house.

Without acting surprised I told my neighbor that I had gotten a
very good deal and that it really hadn’t cost as much as he might
think. This seemed to satisfy him and our conversation moved to
other subjects, although I’m not sure what we talked about because
I was thinking about the strange automobile parking in my drive. I
revived my plans to see if Dena was having an affair.

The following Monday I told Dena that my duties would require me to
be out of town until Friday night. As always she seemed
disappointed but accepted that it had to be. I on the other hand
imagined that she was already preparing to invite her lover into
our bed.

I drove to a local hotel and checked in for four nights. I parked
my car in the hotel’s indoor lot so it couldn’t be easily seen. I
then called Avis and rented a completely different car making sure
it was of a completely different color.

I made the necessary business phone calls from my hotel room but
remained in the room and out of view until darkness. Around 7pm I
called home as I had always done when away. After my brief
conversation with Dena I called room service for dinner and watched
TV. By 9pm I had waited as long as I could.

Driving the rental car past my house I was mildly disappointed to
see only the normal house lights and only Dena’s car in our drive.
I drove around town until I made another pass by our house around
9:30pm. Even more disappointment when I saw only Dena’s car in our
drive. I continued to drive around until I made a third pass by the
house around 9:45pm. Nothing had changed and I was now really
disappointed. I wanted to catch my wife with another man but it
seemed it wouldn’t happen tonight.

I had driven about half way down one of the two main entrance roads
leading to our subdivision when a 530 Mersadies sports car passed
going in the direction of my house. I quickly took the next turn
and turned my car around. The Mersadies tail lights were still
visible and about a quarter of a mile ahead. I closed the distance
between us slightly but made sure to remain well back.

My heart was racing and I was wondering. Was this the car my
neighbor had been talking about? The Merrsadies made a left turn
onto the street our house was on. This had to be the car that had
been parking in my drive I thought. “Please be the car.” I said
aloud to myself. I passed the street leading to my house knowing
that I could see our drive clearly only a few hundred yards ahead.

As I slowed and looked in the direction of my house I saw the
Mersadies head lights as it pulled into my drive. I almost shouted
knowing this had to be my wife’s lover. I turned my car into the
street that ran behind our house. Knowing the house directly behind
ours was vacant I pulled into the drive and killed the lights.

I waited a few minutes then got out of the rental and keeping to
the shadows I slowly jogged into my back yard. Remaining in the
shadows I approached the side of my house and made my way to the
den window. I knew there was little chance that I would be seen but
I had worn dark clothing and was being a quite as possible as I
looked into the window.

There on my sofa sat a man of about 45 years I had never seen. He
was certainly well dressed and clean looking. “So this was Dena’s
lover and I approve.” I thought to myself. Then found myself
wondering how large his cock was and did Dena give this man head as
she had often done for me. If she did give him head did she allow
him to cum in her mouth or did they only fuck straight? Did they
use protection? I hoped they didn’t. For some reason I hoped he
would cum inside Dena.

Dena entered the den carrying drinks. She handed her friend a glass
and sat down beside him. Before taking a drink both my wife and her
friend placed their drinks on the sofa table and locked themselves
in a very passionate embrace. As the kissed I noticed this man was
unbuttoning Dena’s blouse. Dena’s hand was on his crotch and I knew
she was massaging his cock and balls. “I hope he’s hung like a
horse.” I thought.

My own cock was rock hard as I watched the couple before me undress
each other. When the gentleman stood Dena unbuckled his belt. She
unzipped his trousers and tugged them down. As this man stood
before my wife his trousers fell around his ankles as Dena pulled
his jockey shorts down.

I couldn’t see the man’s cock because he was quarter turned away
from me but I could clearly see Dena had his cock in her mouth.
Dena’s hands were slowly stroking this man’s ass and upper legs as
she took him into her mouth. This continued for about a minute when
Dena’s lover turned to sit down on the sofa.

Dena released her mouth hold on his cock and as the man sat down
she got on her knees before him. Clearly she planned to continue
sucking his cock. It was at this time that I saw the man’s cock for
the first time. It was much larger than my seven and one half
inches. I would guess at least 10 or 11 inches in length and very
thick. It was so thick that the head of his cock seemed small.
Almost as if it belonged to a 7 inch cock but was attached to this
massive sausage.

Dena took this stranger’s cock in both hands and began jacking it
as she took as much as she could in her mouth. To me Dena looked
beautiful as she knelt before the man sucking his monster tool. I
was slowly massaging my own cock through my trousers as I hoped
they would continue until he shot his load in Dena’s mouth.

Within a few minutes I had my wish. The man laid his head back and
closed his eyes. I knew he was about to cum and so did Dena. She
was jacking his cock faster now and sucking him as deep as she
could. The man stiffened and Dena slowed her hand and head motion.
I knew he was shooting his load into my wife’s mouth and she
appeared to love it. “Please swallow his cum.” I was thinking as I
shot my own load into my shorts.

Dena did as I had hoped because when the man had finished climaxing
she got up to sit beside him. She said something to him and they
both laughed and took a sip of their drinks. There was no trace of
cum on Dena’s face so I knew she had done as I had hoped and had
swallowed his load. I hoped his cum had been thick and plentiful
but I had no way of knowing.

Dena and her lover sat on the sofa talking, kissing and fondling
each other until I saw the man’s cock begin to come alive again.
Dena bent over a sucked his cock until it was fully erect again
then she stood up. Although her blouse and bra had been removed
earlier she now let her skirt fall to the floor and removed her
bikini panties.

The man pulled my wife to him and began to eat her pussy as she
stood wide legged before him. I sure he couldn’t get to her pussy
very well and he said something to her. Dena laid back on the sofa
and with one foot on the floor and one on the back of the sofa she
offered herself to her lover.

I watched as the man began to eat my wife and slowly jack his own
cock. Since my cock had remained hard the entire time I unzipped my
trousers, now very wet from the load I had shot earlier. Taking my
cock out I began to jack off as I watched the scene before me.

The man continued to eat Dena pussy until I could tell she was
about to cum. He then made his way on top of her and I could
clearly see his cock as it entered Dena’s now very wet pussy. At
first he pushed only the head and perhaps two inches in. Dena’s ass
was moving up to him, urging him deeper into her. The man was
fucking her with only a few inches of his cock when he suddenly
plunged his entire cock into my wife. His balls, again much larger
than mine, slapped against Dena’s ass as he began to fuck her
harder.

Even above the air-conditioning and through closed windows I could
hear Dena. “Oh God! Oh God! Fuck me! Fuck me! Fuck me! Oh God Fuck
me!” I felt my balls tighten and my own cum began to shoot as I
watched the couple before me. It was truly beautiful watching my
wife enjoy being power fucked by this stranger. I wanted them to
continue but the man’s body stiffened and he pushed himself as deep
as he could into Dena. I knew he was depositing another load in
places much deeper that I ever had.

It was clear that Dena was enjoying being fucked by this man
because she was having one orgasism after the other. I saw their
combined juices, thick and white, on the shaft of the man’s cock as
he fucked in-an-out. It was slowly running out of Dena’s pussy and
down her ass. So that’s what those stains were on the sofa. I
continued to jack myself as the lovers continued to fuck each other
on the sofa.

I must have jacked myself as they fucked for five minutes or more
when the man’s body stiffened again. Plunging himself deep into
Dena’s pussy he began to shoot another hot load of his semen. I too
shot another load and gave a silent prayer of thanks for allowing
me to witness my wife being so thoroughly fucked.

Hotel

Friday, January 30th, 2009

I was getting tired of driving. We had started early in the morning
and it was now getting dark out. Bob and Jan were in the back asleep
and Anita was conked out against the window. I was getting punch drunk
at the wheel and decided it was time to call it quits. I turned to the
back seat and woke Bob and said, “Bob, I am bushed would you mind if
you spelled me? The motel is just an hour away.”
“Sure no problem, pull over.” Bob replied.
I pulled slowly to the side of the road pulled the car to a
gentle stop. I didn’t want to wake our sleeping wives. Bob eased Jan’s
head off his lap and inserted a pillow. I opened the car door and we
did a Chinese fire drill and he took the wheel.
It was a good thing that the front seat was power. He eased the
seat forward and Anita didn’t even budge. He eased the car out onto the
freeway and picked up speed. I took a pillow out of the back and
arranged it against the window and settled in for a little nap.
My dream had something to do with cannibals, and I awoke with a
start.
Bob was just passing the state line and the moon was passing
behind some clouds. I started into my shirt pocket for a cigarette,
when I felt a hand inch its way up my leg. I looked over to Jan. Her
eyes were closed but there was a smile on her face. The hand continued
up until it rested squarely on my cock. It started to rise in my
pants and when it was about half staff Jan started to gently stroke
it.
I pushed the hand away, thinking that she didn’t know it was me.
Her finger went to her lips she made a sign for me to be quiet, opened
her eyes briefly and winked.
Her eyes closed again, and I pulled the blanket up to my chin and
resumed my sleeping posture.
The hand crept up my legs and started stroking my cock through my
pants. I eased my arm over and rested my hands on her breast, I could
feel her nipples already erect. She must have been having a great
dream.
I closed my eyes and her actions under the blanket became more
urgent.
I took my hand from her breast and eased my fly down. I glanced up
to Bob to see if he was aware of anything out of the ordinary. He
seemed engrosed in the road and absorbed in the music on the radio, so
I breathed a little sigh of relief and closed my eyes again.
As soon as I had the zipper all the way down a thrill went thru
me as Jan released my rod from its confining underwear and stroked it.
She scooted close, and her hand was replaced with a warm set of lips.
She licked little circles around the purple head and in one gulp
swallowed my cock.
I was trying to keep my breathing even and not make any noise as
I eased my hand down her belly. Her legs parted slightly and I rubbed
her damp pants over her pussy.
I began a steady massage as she fastened her lips at the ridge of
my cock-head and stroked with her fingers the shaft insistantly.
I couldn’t help myself, and quickly came to an orgasm and popped
off in her mouth.
The music covered the sounds of her swallowing my come. I worked
frantically at her box through the jeans, but felt I was getting nowhere.
She kept up the sucking till I was totally limp, then she pushed
my hand from her snatch and mouthed “later.”
I couldn’t believe it, I had just had a blow job by the wife of
my best friend while he sat inches away. He must have heard something.
I checked the back of his head and saw no response, shrugged my
shoulders and settled back against the pillow and fell quickly to
sleep.
The motion of the car stopping in the motel awakened me. Jan made
no sign to me about what had happened as we checked in and took our
bags to the room.
I made an excuse to my wife about not being sleepy and went to
the game room of the motel to think over what had happened.
I was in the middle of my third game of Centipede when Jan walked
in all dewey eyed.
“Sorry about before,” she said, “But having your cock that close
to me just drove me wild. I have always wanted you but didn’t quite
know how to aproach you.”
“Well, it was quite enjoyable, if unexpected. I never suspected
you were that foxy.”
“There are a lot of things you don’t know about me,” she said
with a gleam in her eye.
All I could think about was to get her somewhere out of the way.
I searched my mind and had decided on getting a room when she took my
hand and led me from the game room to the elevator.
I had an idea she wanted it in the elevator, so when the doors
closed I embraced her and kissed her deeply. She responded eagerly, but
broke away and pushed a button. As the elevator rose she engulfed me
in a wild pationate embrace as she explored my mouth with her tongue.
Before I could explore her body the elevator arrived. She unentangled
herself and walked away beckoning me with her finger.
In the alcove with the ice and pop machines was another door
marked “LAUNDRY”. She entered and I followed.
As soon as the door closed she went to her knees and started
tugging at my zipper. I couldn’t believe how brash she was. I helped
her along, and as soon as my cock cleared my pants she engulfed it in
her mouth.
Exhibiting wild abandon, she really gave my cock a workout. As it
grew in her mouth, she vacuumed it up and stroked it with her tongue. In
no time it was at full staff, she was having a hard time getting it
all in her mouth. I concentrated on the blow job ’till I felt the
pressure build under my balls.
I pushed her away and she came reluctantly. I pushed her against
the wall and raised her sweater and bra so I could get at her petite
tits. Her nipples were like marbles between my lips and teeth. I tried
to poke them in with my tounge but they were too firm. As I was
sucking away at her tits I worked at her pants. I eased them down to
her knees and tugged at her panties. In my haste I guess I pulled too
hard, they ripped and came away in my hand. I threw them in the
corner, and traced a line with my tongue between her tits, down her
belly and straight to her pussy.
I was greeted by drenched bush. I parted her cunt lips and dove
on her snatch with my tongue. I pulled the hood from over her
clitorous and tongue lashed directly on her love button. She responded
by rotating her hips, and succeeded in drenching my faces with her love
juices. I could stand it no longer. I stood up and dropped my pants. I
grabbed her by the buns, and lifted her onto my cock. She let out a
sigh as she slowly sank on my engorged tool. Damn, her snatch was
tight. You would never have know she had had two kids, she was as
tight as a teenager. I braced her against a washing machine and
pounded into her furiously. She came quickly in a great shuddering
orgasm that threatened to milk my cum before I was ready.
I paused just long enough to turn her over on the machine and
mount her from the rear. Her tight snatch met every thrust as I
pounded into her, her pubic bone rubbing the tender spot under the
head of my cock. The pressure in my balls was getting almost too much
to contain, so I pulled all but the head from her dripping snatch.
I fucked her with short jabs with just the head, holding her buns
so she could not back onto my cock. The pressure subsided and stopped
my motion for a bit. She was straining to have my whole manhood deep
in the folds of her flesh, and I released my grip on her ass. With one
great rush, she impaled herself on my member. I held her to me, loving
the way her wet snatch was pressing on my balls. She reached back and
started playing with them. I figured that it was now or never. I
started building my strokes until I was ramming my dick furiously into
her tight snatch. She started playing with her clit and shuddered in
another orgasm.
The contractions of her pussy put me over the edge. I burried my
cock and shot great streams of sperm deep into her cunt. I could feel
her cunt expand with each spurt and soon it was filled to overflowing
and cum ozzed out onto my balls. I layed down on top of her and
luxuriated in the feeling of my dick in her cum-filled pussy as she
contracted her cunt around my shrinking cock.
She wordlessly pushed me away and picked up her panties, and wiped my
juice from her satch. She then went down and licked the droplets from
my balls and limp organ. Standing, she gave me a deep kiss.
We dressed in silence and made our way to the elevator. I pushed
the button for our floor, kissed her one last time, and allowed
her to go to her room as I continued down to the bar.
I had to have a couple of drinks to convince me that it wasn’t
just a dream.
I sipped each one reliving that fantastic fuck.

Placeshighmeadmf part5

Saturday, January 24th, 2009

until he reached her twin, perfect breasts. He encircled their

tips and gently pulled, bringing warm flashes of need that washed

over Jessie in waves. Breathing now in small gasps she rolled on

her side and gently pushed Hal onto his back.

What was fair for the swan was fair for the lady of the

lake.

Jessie planted kisses on Hal’s cheeks and mouth and gently

nibbled his ear. Her tongue flicked in and out and round, until

Hal too began to breathe in irregular gasps. Her right hand

worked down Hal’s shirt buttons until the top lay open at the fur

of his chest. Jessie ran the tips of her fingers though the

black and grey hair curling across his chest, stroking his skin

with desire. Shifting her weight to the side, she pulled his

shirt to the side, effectively pinning his arms still entrapped

in it. Desire driving her, Jessie moved her tongue over his

breasts, circling, tickling, sucking while Hal lost himself

wanting to play out the age old game of love and merging.

Jessie’s hand strayed to the straining bulge in his jeans and she

stroked the surface of his thighs with ever gentle, passes that

brought forth his breath in deep, pleasured moans.

Now it was his turn again. Hal struggled to return from the

waves of pleasure in which he floated. He finally raised himself

on one elbow and removed his prison of a shirt. Hal reached for

the zipper on Jessie’s jeans and slowly inched it down, his

fingers seeking to dip themselves in her soft petals of skin.

His probing palms found the triangle of golden fur that arched

skyward to meet him and he slid his hand along her glistening

thighs searching for panties. There were none to find and it

excited him to find her so ready and unencumbered.

Jessie’s right hand was no quieter than his. She worked the

snap of Hal’s jeans open and slid her hand inside over his under-

pants and caressed his shaft. It was full and firm and strained

upward at each pass she made from the tip to the base and back

again. She worked Hal’s zipper open and teased his firm member

into the softness of her palm. It was velvet soft on the outside

but unable to disguise the raging energy it contained. His shaft

wanted only to be as close to her, to burrow itself deep within

her magic. Its tip moistened in overwhelming expectation of

heaven to come.

Jessie and Hal were both breathing hard now. But they still

had entirely too many clothes on. It took them no time at all to

realize this fact and seek to remedy the situation to fulfill

their desire. Hal was the first to call a truce. He eased

Jessie’s jeans off, his hand stroking her thighs with a caress

with the softness of the wind, but the urgency of manhood.

Reciprocating, Jessie slowly slid both his pants down until he

stepped out of them.

He stood before her like a graying, handsome god of lust.

She knelt and took his shaft into her mouth and teased it round

the head and underneath with her tongue. Each pass brought Hal

closer to his knees. His back was arched and he fought the

desire to end this ballet in a flood of saltiness.

Jessie moved up his pubic area with her tongue…up the

chest…up to the neck and then to his lips again. They embraced

in a kiss that lost them both to time. Hal moved to enter her,

thrusting, like a sword seeking its rightful sheath and when he

found his home, they both cried out in pleasure.

Now a deep thrust, now a shallow one. They clung in each

others arms, swaying like great willows caught up in the dance of

life and the wind. The deeper Hal thrust, the deeper Jessie

tried to take him. She wanted him in the center of her being but

she could not keep her balance, her knees were so weak that they

had to hold each other up to keep from falling. Her body urged

Hal to follow it gently down without slipping from its hold, to

lie upon her on the sweet earth together.

Now their rhythms lost them to all reason. She moaned and

cried out and struggled sideways in an effort to bring Hal close

enough within her. He lost himself in passion until the urgency

of both of them brought the crescendo of centering. Hal came in

a flood of warmth and a cry to the gods of perfection. Jessie

joined him as his salty flood spread inside her loins that

brought her own loss of space and time. She was in a time and

place where nothing mattered but holding this man as close as she

could for eternity itself. They lay relaxed, merged with one

another while time itself passed away.

Tears began to stream down Jessie’s cheeks. They were tears

of pure joy, tears of pure happiness and she held Hal gently and

let them flow with her passion. Hal reached up and brushed them

gently away with his finger tips. He kissed their saltiness and

whispered gently into her ear, “I love you,” while he tried not

to cry himself. There was no way to express in words what he

felt about what they had shared with each other. Language lost

its power to express when compared with this sharing.

For the longest time they laid there, wrapped in eternity,

love taking them on a journey to the ultimate high meadow.

-Humourfgoosetxt part7

Wednesday, November 12th, 2008

she refused to marry him, because she had been frightened at an early age
by a picture of George Bernard Shaw and refused to have anything to do with
a bearded man.

Benny was inconsolable. As he thought about it, he recalled
that, except for that first meeting, the genie had never mentioned a word
about not shaving. Besides, now that Benny had everything he wanted, he
could keep the genie in the lamp and it would never know that he’d shaved.
So, he got out a razor, ran some hot water, lathered up, and shaved. While
he was at it, he felt a bit apprehensive, but nothing seemed to be happening,
so he went ahead. Just as he zipped off the last whisker, a lightning bolt
shot out of the clear blue sky, burst through the roof of his penthouse,
struck him dead center, and burned him to ashes. The genie then issued forth
from the lamp, wearing an apron and carrying a little dustpan and a wiskbroom.
It swept up the ashes, deposited them in a mauve and puce urn of indescribably
ugliness, sealed it, and flew off to Damascus to deposit out poor hero in
his final resting place.

Which just goes to show that, a Benny shaved is a Benny urned.

[Father Goose #37]

Roy Rogers gets a new pair of boots, but a mountain lion eats the
boots. To get even, Roy chases (insert colorful description as needed) and
kills (after long fight – to be described in vivid detail) the lion, and
returns carrying the lion back to camp. When he returns, Dale Evans
exclaims, “Pardon me, Roy, is that the cat that ate your new shoes.”

[Father Goose #38]

There was once an agricultural extension of a community college that
was into growing big fruit. Now we’re really talking big fruit here:
they grew blueberries the size of oranges and strawberries the size of
grapefruits. Not only were they big, but they were also the sweetest,
juiciest, most luscious fruit you’ve ever tasted. Realizing the
commercial value of such fruit, before attempting large scale
cultivation, they decided to insure these fruit. But in order to get
something insured, you need to have it valued for insurance purposes.
What do academics know about insurance anyway? So they look in the
phone book, and call the first entry: the Acme Insurance Valuation
Service. These two guys show up and they are pretty shady looking
characters; they’re not wearing lab coats, they’re wearing
trenchcoats! The guys from Acme pick up the fruit and start walking
out with it. The scientists are surprised and incensed, and ask “Are
you going to value them here, or give us a receipt, or what?” The two
guys from Acme reply “We have come to seize your berries, not to
appraise them.”

[Father Goose #39]

Hans and Gretchen were walking along the shore one Sunday afternoon when
they spotted a dock projecting into the harbour. They decide to walk
to the end of the dock and sit down to rest (chat, have a smoke or
whatever).

Gretchen, in her infinite boredom, suggests to Hans, “While we walk
to the end of the dock, why don’t you count the number of slats used
to build it, and I’ll count the number of slits between the slats?”

Hans replies, “Ja, sehr gut, I will count the slats, and you will
count the slits.”

So the couple merrily troops down the dock. Hans counts, “One
slat!”

Gretchen counts, “One slit!”
“Two slats!”
“Two slits!”

And, well, you know how the natural numbers work. Eventually Hans and
Gretchen approach the end of the dock.

“327 slats!”
“327 slits!”
“328 slats!”
They reach the end of the dock. Gretchen is puzzled.

“Hans! There are no more slits! What does it mean?”

Hans turns to Gretchen and says (brace yourselves),

“When you’re out of slits, you’re out of pier!”

[Father Goose #?]

Once upon a time, these two women were talking and the one asks the other how
many times she’s been married, and the reply was 4. ‘Four times!’ exclaimed
the first girl, why so many?

So the other girl said:
‘Well, I first got married when I was very young, and I married this
wonderful man who was a banker. However, one day just a few weeks after
we were married, his bank was robbed and he was shot and killed.’

‘Oh my gosh, that’s terrible’ the first girl said.
‘Well, it wasn’t that tragic. Soon after that, I started seeing another
man who performed in the circus. He was really a great guy, but he lived
pretty dangerously because he performed his high-wire act without a net.
Well, a few weeks after we got married, he was performing a show and
suddenly a gust of wind came by and knocked him off his wire and he was
killed.’

‘Your second husband was killed too?!!? That’s horrible!’
‘Yes, it was terrible, but at the funeral I fell in love with the minister
and we got married soon after that. Unfortunately, one Sunday while he
was walking to church, he was hit by a car and killed.’

‘Three??? Three husbands of yours were killed? How could you live through
all that?’
‘It was pretty tough, but then I met my present husband. And he’s a
wonderful man. I think we’ll live a long happy life together.’

‘And what does your present husband do for a living?’
‘He’s a mortician.’

‘A mortician? I don’t understand something here. First you marry a banker,
then a circus performer, then a minister, and now a mortician? Why such a
diverse grouping of husbands?’

‘Well, if you think about it it’s not too hard to understand…

One for the money…
Two for the show…
Three to get ready…
And four to go!’

[Father Goose #40]

Once upon a time, in a far-off land, there was a kingdom
in which the king was fond of history and ancient things.
He would collect historical objects, dress in royal threads
from bygone eras, and generally try to live ancient traditions.

One day the king issued a royal proclamation, as kings are
wont to do now and then. Of course, he wrote the proclamation
in the language of 200 years ago, rich in antiquated spellings,
obsolete words, now-defunct verb forms, etc.

The general population, of course, could make neither head nor
tail of the proclamation. A vast legal muddle ensued. The
courts, called upon to untangle the mess, pronounced a ruling
that, henceforth, all royal proclamations must be written in
modern, currently accepted prose. In other words,

We can’t have archaic and edict, too.

[Father Goose #41]
…End of the part7. To be continued..

-Humourfgoosetxt part5

Monday, November 10th, 2008

Once upon a time there was a flock of geese. Like all geese, they would fly
south for the winter and north for the summer. And, like all geese, they
would fly in one of those impressive “V” formations with the lead gander
out in front. Well, it seems that there was one goose named DeeDee (or Dee
for short), who had a great deal of difficulty following the lead gander’s
instructions. Maybe it was due to a mechanical defect in her (sorry ladies)
wings, or maybe it was just brain damage due to flying through polluted air.
At any rate, when the flock would turn right, Dee would fly the other way,
often crashing into the other geese in the formation. Needless to say, this
spoiled a great looking formation and proved to be *very embarrassing*. In
order to take care of the problem, the lead gander told her that she would
have to fly at the end of the formation, thus avoiding any mid-air crashes
and saving the lead gander much face. When describing the problem and his
solution to it, the lead gander told a reporter from the Audobon Society
magazine:

“Dee, who flaps last, flaps left”

[Father Goose #29]

Once there was a great (or almost great) pitcher by name of Melvin
Famie. Like so many others, though, Melvin got old and lost his touch.
He was such a boost to the spirit of the team, however, that the manage-
ment could justify keeping him on the bench just to offer “Hooray!”s.
Melvin, not having to work terribly hard at his new job, took to sipping
a wee bit o’ the malt punch at games to keep HIS spirits up, so he could
keep his teammates’ spirits up.

Well, they were hard at work in a long, drawn-out battle with their
cross-state rivals when the manager realized that they were out of
relief pitchers, out of pinch-hitters, and the poor fool on the mound
was looking for a pounding. He called our hero off the bench to pitch
the top of the ninth, and Mel, on his way up the steps from the dugout,
groped back for not only his glove, but five or six cans of brew, which
he stuffed into his shirt on his way to the mound. Needless to say, Mel
had a very hard time locating the catcher from the heights of the mound,
and did all the damage required for a loss of the game by the time the
manager swapped him with the right-fielder. When the inning was finally
over, Mel collapsed against the fence next to the home-team bullpen,
and snored his way happily through the uneventful bottom of the ninth.

A youngster on the opposing team, totally amazed to have seen such in
“The Majors”, inquired of one of his fellows about the hulk up against
the fence. “That’s the great Melvin Famie”, said his elder. “What’s the
bulge in his shirt?” asked the tyro. The reply?

“That’s the beer that made Mel Famie walk us.”

[Father Goose #30]

Once there was a King who was loved by all of his subjects, especially
because of the hunting excursions he shared with them. As will happen,
one day he died and his eldest son took the throne. Now this new king
was an animal-lover to the core, and immediately outlawed all forms of
hunting and fishing. His subjects accepted this for only a short time
before they ousted him. This is a truly significant event, because it’s
the first time a reign was called on account of the game.

[Father Goose #31]

Late in the previous century, the well-known folklorist
Vivian McNabb was collecting ballads and tales in the
Scottish Highlands, and found a previously unknown musical instrument,
something in the lyre-lute-dulcimer range. It was sitting unused
as a family heirloom, and the family who owned it no longer
knew exactly how it should be tuned or played, nor did anyone
else in the region. McNabb purchased it, and showed it
in every village he passed through. Nobody could give him completely
accurate information, and nobody could tune it or play it, but some
clues began to fall in place. Several people mentioned Seamus
O’Pernokkety, who lived in Ireland, as a great authority on stringed
instruments. McNabb determined to go over and consult Seamus.

(Insert shaggy description of McNabb’s difficult travels, and the
frustrating search for Seamus O’Pernokkety.)

Finally, weak and confused, McNabb stumbled up to the door of the
cabin at the top of the steep hill. Success at last! Seamus recognized
the instrument, and agreed to tune it and teach McNabb how to play, but
only if McNabb would serve as his apprentice for a full year.

(Insert description of McNabb’s arduous year of servitude at the feet
of his musical guru.)

When the year was up, Seamus took the instrument out of the cupboard,
spent the rest of the day tuning it up, and played all night and all
the next day. It was the most remarkable, beautiful tone McNabb had
ever heard. He stayed on another month, until he too had some proficiency
at playing. At last they parted.

McNabb skipped and jumped down the hill, exulting in his newfound
skill in playing the instrument, and in the precious object itself.
So unbridled was he in his joyous carriage, that he tripped and fell,
and went tumbling arse-over-teacup down into a ravine. A large boulder
finally broke his fall, and also his leg. The instrument, however,
did not seem to be damaged. But when he tried to play it, it proved
to be badly out of tune, and he could wring from it nothing but harsh
discords. There was no help for it: he painfully crawled all the
way back up the terrible hill, arriving at Seamus’s cottage late that
evening.

“Oh, Seamus, the most terrible thing has happened!” he gasped out, and
explained about his accident. “Please, maestro, help me in my despair.
Retune the instrument! And perhaps do something about my leg, if you
can.”
“Certainly, McNabb, I can set your leg, and you’re welcome to
food and lodging while it mends. But I hope you realize I can’t work
on that instrument again.”
“But why not? Please, you must.”
“No, I cannot. I thought it was well known:
O’Pernokkety tunes but once.”

[Father Goose #32]

In the 23rd century the solar system was wracked by constant
warring between the fragmented states of the Asteroid Belt.
Particularly successful in these wars was one tribe (I’ll call
them Joes) which managed to total up a surprising war record
despite its amazingly primitive weaponry through sheer ferocity.
After having dispatched a fleet from a rival nation (call them
Jacks), the Joe general went over to his adversary’s flagship to
sign a treaty of peace. After the diplomatic niceties were
taken care of, the Jack general (who had been wounded in the
previous day’s fighting) took a moment of his time to talk shop
and mention his injury. Their exchange follows:

Said the Jack general, “What was that laser you sawed me with
last night?”

Came the reply, “That was no laser–that was my knife!”

[Father Goose #33]

It seems there were three monks who enjoyed raising plants
and were trying to keep a flower shop running, selling unique
and exotic plant life.
One day, some children where playing behind the shop and
were eaten whole by an extremely rare man-eating plant.
The parents, needless to say, were outraged, and demanded that
the friars get rid of the dangerous plant. The friars refused.
So the parents and the people of the town tried several ways to get
the friars to consent, but finally they asked Hugh, the town blacksmith,
(undoubtably the strongest man around), to run the friars out of town.

Your waiting for the moral… Can you guess?

“Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars!”

[Father Goose #34]

…End of the part5. To be continued..

-Humourfgoosetxt part3

Saturday, November 8th, 2008

volvo? Why did it have to be this sort of bluish colour?”

The husband smiled and said, as he drove off, “Well, ther’s something
about an aqua volvo, man…”

[Father Goose #14]
There was once a young man who was very fond of illicit vegetable
matter that is commonly smoked to get high. Anyway, one day, while he
was cleaning his stash of extremely potent stuff ( high oil content) he
was called to the phone. His friend, who had already consumed a great
portion of the matter thought he would help out in the cleaning.
Unfortunately, he was new to the game so he tried to separate the stems
and seeds by cleaning the pot with a soap solution. Needless to say,
when the hero of our story returned from the phone he was extremely upset,
to say the least. However, he didn’t have time to cry since the phone
call informed him that his wife’s car had broken down and he had to go
out to help her fix it. He scooped up the messy bag of soapy resinous
cannabis and drove out to the broken down car. When he arrived he
immediately realized that the car had run out of oil. Unfortunately, he
didn’t have any oil, but he did have the bag of greasy marijuana. He put
the wet pot into the cars engine and started up the car. It ran fine
until it exploded a quarter mile down the road.

There is a moral. You know what it is?

– A washed pot never oils.

[Father Goose #15]

A philanthropist decides to donate his prize dolphins to
the local zoo. Upon making his donation, he reveals that
the dolphins can be kept alive indefinitely by feeding them
live myna birds. The zoo, not happy with the prospect of
depleting their myna bird collection, decides to send an
expedition to Africa to pick up some of the birds.

The bird seekers land their helicopter in a large clearing
in the middle of the jungle, and go off to seek their prey.
They search all the trees, the myna bird bars, the bird baths;
in short, all the places myna birds hang out. When they get
back to the clearing, they discover that a pride of lions has
taken up residence there. As the lions all appear very sleepy,
they decide to tiptoe their way back to the safety of their
helicopter. But, alas, when they get back to the helicopter,
the game warden pops out and writes them a citation for

“Transporting mynas over sedate lions for immortal porpoises.”

[Father Goose #16]

An explorer on safari through Africa discovers a magnificently
plumed bird known as a Raree. The bird is near death from
exhaustion and starvation brought about by a combination of
poachers and climatic changes which have turned its once-friendly
environment into a death-trap. The bird is uncharacteristically
docile, and does not flee from the explorer when he approaches it.
The explorer had believed the Raree birds were an extinct species;
and so to save the creature from an environment which has become
hostile, and to preserve the species, he brings it back with
him to the United States.
Proper feeding and warmth bring the bird around to its normal
behavior. Far from being docile, the Raree bird reverts to being
a pain in the ass. It tears open the refrigerator with its
beak and rummages around for food. It overturns garbage cans
and rummages around for food. Its instinctive loudness and
viciousness reassert themselves, and the explorer finds himself
gradually losing his mind. He decides to do away with the
Raree, figuring that if nature had wanted the species to survive,
it would have given the birds better survival skills.

He loads the Raree into a pickup truck and drives to a high
cliff. He has put drugs into the bird’s morning feed so it is
docile. He binds its wings and hauls it over to the edge of
a 300-foot-high cliff overlooking the ocean. The bird opens
its eyes, looks down, and says to the explorer:

“It’s a long way to tip a Raree.”

[Father Goose #17]

there was a russian man named rudolph, a high ranking member of the KGB.
one evening rudolph and his wife, helga, were walking along, and it
begins to snow. “my, my, look at the lovely snow,” said helga.
“no, that is not snow, that is rain!” replied rudolph.
“no, no, no, this is snow,” she said.
“look, there is a palace guard, we will ask him.”
rudolph went to the palace gaurd and said “is it raining or snowing?”
the gaurd was no dummy, so he said “what do YOU think it is doing, rudolph?”
rudolph replied, “raining.”
and the gaurd said “yes comrade,i was going to say raining, also!”

so rudolph and helga went walking off. the gaurd could just barely hear
the KGB official say:

“RUDOLPH, THE RED, KNOWS RAIN, DEAR”

[Father Goose #18]

Once there was a mad scientist who worked by himself in his laboratory.
He was so lonely that one day, he decided to clone himself. Everything
worked perfectly, except that the clone had a very foul mouth. The
scientist worked with the clone, but ,alas, he could not make the
clone clean up his language. He got so tired of the clone’s language
that one day he pushed him off the end of a cliff. A policeman rushed
up to him, and yelled

“You are under arrest! You are under arrest!”

“What for ?”,the mad scientist asked.

And the answer was:
For making an obscene clone fall.

[Father Goose #19]

A traveling-salesman type was opening up new
sales territories in Africa. One day he fell ill.
Since he was a man of action, he sought immediate
medical attention. Even though the only nearby
facility was a witch doctor, he went to see the
man. The witch doctor looked him over, then cut
a long, thin strip from a piece of leather and
gave it to the man, saying,

“Chew on this, and by the time it’s
all gone, you’ll feel better.”

As mentioned, the salesman was a man of action,
so he spent the rest of the day chewing on the
piece of leather. Nonetheless, he didn’t feel
better, in fact, as you might imagine, he felt
worse. So he went back to the witch doctor
and said,

“Doctor, the thong is ended
but the malady lingers on!”

[Father Goose #20]

One day the Shah of a middle-eastern country decided his son the Shan
was old enough to have a body guard. He searched his kingdom until he
found the right person for the job. As it turned out, he was well suited
for the task and watched after the Shan dutifully. As the Shan got older,
the body guard decided he could probably slip off for awhile without con-
sequence. As luck would have it the Shan was epileptic , had a fit and
died while he was gone. When the Shah found out about it, he called the
body guard and asked:

“Where were you when the fit hit the Shan?”
…End of the part3. To be continued..

Humourfairnesstxt part2

Monday, October 27th, 2008

semester abroad in England. During your three months hiatus, Mr.
Thomas has become — to put it politely — rather tense. I’d
greatly appreciate if you might find it in your heart (among other
parts of you anatomy, including those closest to your heart) to
relieve Mr. Thomas of his burdens. With his upcoming trip to
England, I believe that you are in an excellent position to try a
variety of excellent position with my most loyal campaign
working…

Completely dead pan and serious, Quill read the remainder of
the letter. Needless to say, it became much more graphic including
the candidates reference to handcuffs, chocolate sauce and whip
cream. When Quill finished, she placed her copy of the letter down
and turned to me. “Are you or are you not the author of said
letter?”

“She was my girlfriend and it was a private correspondence,”
I defended.

“So! You admit it,” Quill replied slapping her palm on the
table. “You admit to proposing a variety of sexual acts with a
woman in a foreign country and you completely ignored the
international implications of your sexual harassment.”

“International?” I asked. “She was an American and my
girlfriend. We were intimate at the time.”

“So, you admit to having a sexual relationship with her, a
member of the opposite sex. A man making love to a woman!
No! Further! Questions!”

Anna Richards, distinguished senator from Texas, was next. I
fended off several thousand more questions relating to my
“permanent record”, including a spit ball incident during the
third grade. Then she brought out the big guns and asked, “In your
parent’s home, what type of VCR do they own?”

Here it was, the buy American tirade. “It’s a Toshiba.”

“And what type of VCR did they have at the William Adam S.
Preston Junior High where you attended the seventh grade.”

“Shit,” I thought to myself, having learned my lesson about
muttering under my breath. “It was a Toshiba.”

Senator Richards knew my back was against the wall on this
one. “And would you like to elaborate what happened when your
seventh grade health class watched the film on sexual education.”

“The VCR malfunctioned,” I said with solemn sincerity. Hey,
if politicians could gloss over the truth, I could.

The senator from Texas was not nearly satiated. “And what
caused this supposed malfunction?”

“My guess would be a series of encoded infrared pulses.”

“This is a congressional hearing,” she said coolly. “We
don’t guess here. And what caused those `infrared pulses.’”

“Most likely some type of oscillator, a crystal, driven
by a power source.”

“Enough of this tomfoolery!” She whipped out a folder
emblazoned with large black letters, “Clark Thomas’s Permanent
Record.” She selected a page from the rather thick dossier and
began to read: “During the documentary “Your Growing Body,” Clark
[Thomas] used a remote control brought from home to freeze the
picture whenever a part of the female anatomy was shown and to
fast forward through shots of the male anatomy…” Richards put
the paper down and asked, “Should I go on. Should I humiliate by
announcing your sentence?” She paused and added snidely, “One
week’s detention.”

To fully appreciate what I’d done, you had to picture the
scene. The frantic teacher trying to figure out the VCR’s
controls as the tv was filled with a pair of breasts in an
advanced stage of development. The girls turning red and the boys
laughing. I didn’t bother to elaborate about how the vice principal
kept bursting out in laughter when he tried to lecture me. I didn’t
tell her about the giggles that came from the conference the vice
principal had with my parents about the incident. I didn’t tell her how
I was elected president of my class next year, selected as captain of my
soccer team and the numerous other junior high type honors that were
rained on me. I simply said, “I am humbled by your revelations.”

She smiled smugly believe she had humiliated me beyond all
words. “No further questions.”

Senator Stan Nunn, an expert on the military and foreign
affairs, was next. At least he was a male interviewer. After
taking a sip of water, clearing his throat, wiping his brow with a
handkerchief, loosening his tie, tightening his tie and strumming
his fingers on the desk nervously while loosening his tie, he
asked, “December 7, 1941 where were you?”

That was a simply one to answer. “I wasn’t born yet.”

“So you had no fore-knowledge of Japan’s impending attack on
Pearl Harbor?” he ventured but not without some hesitation.

“Obviously not,” I responded.

He quickly terminated his portion of the interview. “No
further questions.” He and old “pants around the ankles”
celebrated their victory by giving each other a nervous half
smile.

To say I’d gotten annoyed at the entire proceedings was an
understatement. Congresswoman Bethanne Dole was next. “Is it
true that you had intercourse with a woman named Sherry Hewson
after you’d offered her temporary lodging in your apartment?”

I could feel the wisps of steam coming from my ears as I
glared Ms. Dole. I could really care about my first kiss in the
eighth grade or spitballs in the third grade. Sherry was a taboo
subject. In my best imitation of a “send chills down your spine”
militant lesbian reaction, I responded, “She and I were lovers.”

Dole shuffled her notes trying to thwart off my “if looks
could kill” glare. “After engaging in sexual relations with Ms.
Hewson, did you not then assault her only sibling while she and her
mother watched?”

“That’s it!” I shouted standing up. “Sherry and I had been
on two or three dates. No big deal. Then she calls me one night
in tears and says her brother has beaten her up, again. So I let
her stay and yes, we made love. But if your courts had kicked her
brother out of the house, the first or fifth time he’d beaten her
up, Sherry wouldn’t have been at my place having consenting sex.
No, he was a minor and the courts refused remove him from the home.”

All ten of them were silent. The clicking of the stenographer
had stopped and only myself and the hum of the camera continued
unabated. “After she found a place of her own, I went to her
house to help her move. Her brother picked a fight and I finished
it. Christ, Sherry’s mom even took me out to dinner to say thank
you.”

Meanwhile, in the boiler room in the basement, the most recent
Supreme Court nominee, also named Clark Thomas, sat talking with an
old coot wearing a shirt with the name “Dutch” sewn on it. “Do
you know how to use a mop ringer?” choked Dutch as lit up another
unfiltered Marlborough.

Nominee Clark Thomas solemnly replied, “Although I’d like to
answer that at this time, I cannot venture an opinion on the
matter.”

Meanwhile over in the White House, the President sat back and
smiled, knowing that all along his nominee, Clark Thomas, was
currently being interviewed by Dutch, a man who’d inhaled pure
ammonia on a daily basis for the last fifty years. This was
destine to be the easiest confirmation hearing in the history of
the Supreme Court. The President was not completely oblivious to the
plight of Clark Thomas, twenty year old college student in search of a
summer job. After being grilled by the congressional committee, the
President planned on rewarding young Clark by having him appointed
as a congressional intern.

Exercise Affair

Saturday, October 25th, 2008

Dear Santa,

I wanted to thank you for that nice exercise video you sent me. I was
really surprised to find it in my stocking…I mean…at 36 24 35…I didn’t
feel chubby! But the phone lines were down this morning, and I was bored
so I tried it out for a lark….it WAS a LARK!!!!

I got into my leotards and leg warmers and started the tape. Good
old warm-ups…yuck!!…but this tape has some damn good looking dudes
doing the exercises…and I got….”warmed up” as I watched. I even felt
a little kinky doing the pelvic rocks as I watched their pelvises tilt
provacatively towards my own. My gaze remained riveted on their pelvises
as Jane began the arerobics. Through their stretchie suits I could barely
make the outline of a certain muscle that I thought could use some exercise.
…damn…better get back to work! 1-2-3-4 arms front…arms back…arch
out that chest…push it out! …well Jane…I’m thrusting my chest out
as arched as I can…can’t you see those taut nipples pointing at those
hairy chests beside you?!!!?? I’ld like to lick their nipples each
time they arch them towards me!

But its a little warm in all this…I’m sliding off the leg warmers
and unbuttoning my leotard. The background music is nice…reminds me of
this time I was with this guy in his car…well, never mind.
1-2-3-4 better follow the steps turn right 3-4…oh…lordy…look at HIM!
There is this gorgeous hunk of man working on my phone lines…well…
actually it seems he’s more interested in playing peeping Tom! And
he didn’t catch me looking…I think I’ll have a little fun with him!!
Besides…these dudes on the tape have been totally ingnoring me!
Instead of moving my arms around in circles..I’ll let my hands circle
my breasts as I rock my chest back and forth in time to the music…
oh, yes…he’s still watching! I wonder if he’ll notice me licking my
lips…mmmmmmm….

Ah…back to the pelvic rock again…guess I’ll point mine towards the
window as I pretend to keep watching the screen. My hands start on my
hips but move toward my thighs with each rock…my hands are just reaching
under the leotard as Jane swithches to floor exercises. I’m really putting
on a show now as I unbutton all my buttons and caress my breasts thru my
bra…yeah…this’ll make him HOT!!! Now my hands are roaming up and
down my thighs and I too have gotten very HOT…my breathing has changed
and I no longer want to tease…I want that man…NO ..I NEED HIM…NOW!!
I look at him and our eyes lock this time and he smiles wolfishly.
I beckon with my finger but he just smiles at me…and rakes his eyes
over my wanton body. Now HE pretends he’s working…but he’s still
peeking!!!

Two can play this game! I closed the curtains and waited…hoping.
The door bell rang! “can I have a drink of water” “Please do cum in”
I gave him his water then turned to open the door to let him out. HE
grabbed me then and said he wanted to do a few exercises with me. He
had the strongest tannest arms and I wanted him…so I took him into
the exercise room and started on warm-ups. I exercised my tongue on
his lips and his salty, musky neck. He quickly joined me in these
routines..as we deviated quickly from Jane’s routines. His strong
and gentle hands began to explore my hungry body…my nipples arched
longinly for his touch…I moaned when he found them. He caressed
them with his hands…then explored them with his tongue, sending
shivers throughout my body…when he took each nipple in his mouth
and sucked it was too much. I became so hot and so dizzy, I begged
him to stop. Instead he continued to suck while his fingers drifted
down and under my leotard. He felt around for my clit as I greedily
guided my clit to his lovin fingers. I needed it then. Sucking
and stroking he took me higher and higher..no chance for a breath
my clit hot and swollen soon exploded its passion climaxing for
what seemed forever!! Damn it was good! Thank You Mister!!!

I asked if there was anything I could do to repay him…and of
course he was ready with an answer. He took off his jeans and stood
over me. He was ready! Through the bottoms of his red Boxers I
saw his gleaming hardness. I got up on my knees for a better look
and pulled the boxers down to expose his want. I quickly gave him
a “blow job” breathing lightly over the lenghth of his shaft. He
responded by moving his dick closer to my mouth…”suck me…please”
I kissed the tip then wrapped my tongue aroungd his head…as he
began to moan. I continued feathering his shaft with my tongue
as I felt his need increase. He begged me to take it all in and
I relented. He was so hot he began to thrust into my mouth… I put
an end to that. I held his hips steady as I slowly sucked his weapon
deep into my throat, sliding it out, sucking it deep. When I was ready
I increased the tempo. He soon spurted with joy.

AS he rested himself I finished undressing and demanded equal
time! He laughed and said we should be even already but that as he
was in a very generous mood I should prepare myself. But I wasn’t
prepared for such an onslought! He started with my lips and ears
and my neck…teased my nipples and then totally mastered me with
his attentions to my clit. He used his fingers, his toes, his teeth
and his tongue…and what a tongue…he had me so high I never knew
if I was cuming or going…I know I did a lot of cuming…Then he
gave me a very wet sloppy kiss and entered me with his hard cock.
I wouldn’t have thought that I had any energy left to respond.
But after a few deep thrust, an answering need grew in me. My walls
responded trying to capture his higness as he drew back after each
new thrust. He positioned himself so that the thrust was greatest
near my clit. Each time he thrust a surge of shivers raked my body…
I was climbing higher and higher again nearing the places he had
already driven me. He had total control and held himself back till
he felt me climax…then he spent himself with 3 great deep strokes
and we lay spent in each others arms.

I must admit, it WAS a GREAT workout!!! Eat your heart out, Jane!!!

Love,
Sadie.

Humourfemaletxt

Monday, October 13th, 2008

Archive-author:
Archive-title: Female Jokes

First Woman: “This is very embarrassing, but every time I sneeze, I
have an orgasm.”
Second Woman: “You poor dear! Are you taking anything for that?”
First Woman: “Snuff.”

————

What’s the definition of the perfect woman?
1) She’s three feet tall, has a round hole for a mouth
and her head is flat so you can put cocktails on it.
2) The sports model has pull-back ears and her teeth fold in.
3) The economy model – she fucks all night and at midnight
she turns into a roast beef sandwich and a six pack.

————

Three old ladies were sitting on a park bench when a flasher walked up
to them and displayed his endowments. The first old lady had a stroke,
the second old lady had a stroke, but the third old lady’s arms were too
short to reach.

————

This guy walks into a bar, walks up to the bartender and
says, “I’d like a scotch and soda and I’d like to buy that
douche bag at the end of the bar a drink.” The bartender
says, “Hey, she’s a regular and you can’t be talking about
her that way.” The guy says, “Okay, I’d like to buy that
nice, young lady at the end of the bar a drink.” The
bartender says, “That’s more like it,” and he walks up to
the girl and asks her what she wants to drink. She says,
“Vinegar and water.”

————

A man meets up with an old roomate whom he has not seen for many years.
The roomate has had a sex-change operation. “Was it painful?”, asks the former.
“No, not really” says the second. “How about when they cut off your dick?”
“No that really wasn’t the worst of it.” “Really?” says the first. “How
about when they had to create the new hole? That must have been painful.”
“No the worst part was when they stuck the straw in my ear and sucked out half
my brains.”

————–

Why did God give women nipples?
To make suckers out of men.

Why did the Detroit Lions hire two nuns and a prostiture for the new season?
Because they needed two tight ends and a wide receiver.

Why are clams like women?
When the red tide comes, you don’t eat them.

How does a man know when he’s eaten pussy well?
When he wakes up in the morning and his face looks like a
glazed doughnut.

Did you hear about the new video game for women only, called Dick-Man?
You put a quarter in and get fucked.

I’ve got a joke so funny it’ll make your breast fall off:
Oh…I see you’ve already heard it.

What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
A cherry float.

What do you do when your Kotex catches fire?
Throw it on the floor and tampon it.

What’s 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1?
Bo Derek getting older.

Did you hear about the new douche powder made of alum, LSD, and Kentucky
Fried Chicken batter?
It’s uptight, outasight, and finger-lickin’ good.

What’s the difference between a light bulb and a pregnant woman?
You can unscrew a light bulb.

What do fat girls and mopeds have in common?
They’re both fun to ride until a friend see you.

Why are women giving up bowling for screwing?
The balls are lighter and you don’t have to change your shoes.

What’s the difference between a job and a wife?
After five years, the job still sucks.

How do you make paper dolls?
Screw an old bag.

What’s the white stuff you find in women’s panties?
Clitty litter.

Bumber sticker: Support E.R.A. – make him sleep on the wet spot.

What do you call a rehabilitation home for ex-prostitutes?
An all-the-way house.

Definition of a wife: “An attachment you screw on the bed to get the
housework done.”

How are an oven and a woman alike?
You have to get them both hot before you can stick the meat in.

Remember what’s worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper? (Getting
fingered by Captain Hook.) Well, you know what’s worse than that?
Getting eaten out by Jaws.

What’s the purpose of a bellybutton?
To put your gum in on the way down.

Why was the stamp commemorating prostitution so unpopular?
You had to pay an extra ten cents to lick it.

What’s the difference between a hormone and an enzyme?
You can’t hear an enzyme.

How do you make a hormone?
Put sand in the Vaseline.

What’s a cunt that talks back?
An answering cervix.

What do you give an eighty-year-old woman for her birthday?
Mikey … He’ll eat anything.

What do you call a woman who uses too much contraceptive cream?
A spermicidal maniac.

Why do women have legs?
So they don’t leave snail tracks on linoleum floors.

What do you call a hooker with no legs?
A nightcrawler.

What do you call a girl who’s just been run over by a car?
Patty.

Why do female parachutists always wear pantyhose?
So they won’t whistle.

How do you tell when a woman is wearing pantyhose?
If she farts, her ankles will swell.
…End of the part1. To be continued..

The Conference Ball

Sunday, September 21st, 2008

I once went to a conference in another part of the country. I met many people
who I’d known from afar in the past. You know how it is the day before a
conference starts. People hang out in the bar and the lobby. I met some
friends, and noticed this tall, quiet man who was with them. We sort of
watched one another as we engaged in a six-way conversation. I thought he
was cute, but, then I think MOST men are. I am generally just a looker.

Finally, someone said, “Oh, Jane, this is Len Josephs.”

“Len! Wow! I’ve always wanted to meet you!” We shook hands, but wound up
hugging one another. Len and I had exchanged some mail years before, and
admired one another’s work. Instantly, I wanted to take him to bed. It was
quite a shock because I don’t normally feel that strongly about someone
seconds after meeting him. It was literally lust at first touch.

Since we had friends in common, we went to dinner together. Now, I’m not
the sort of woman who picks men up. It simply had never happened before.
I’d had the occasional extra-marital lover, but it had always been with a
friend, not with someone I’d just met. I fought with myself all during
dinner. How obvious could I be with him about the way I felt? Could I
actually say to him, “I’d love to make love with you.”? While Len and I
wound up sitting together at dinner, and while he made me laugh a lot, he
seemed to back off when my knee rested against his. Well, I knew he was
married, so maybe he didn’t fool around. Still, I felt like someone had
shot me full of speed. I shook like crazy, and felt about ready to fly off
the chair, just looking at him.

After dinner, he went back to his room. I went back to my room. I paced
around a lot. He’d given his friends his room number, and I’d memorized it.
I walked to the elevator, went to his floor and stood before his door. I
raised my hand to knock…then turned and returned to my room.

I guessed I wasn’t the sort of woman who can knock on a man’s door, without
a reason other than to ask “Wanna fuck?”.

Suddenly, I realized I had a book he’d expressed some interest in at dinner.
I took the book and practically bolted back to his room. This time, my hand
connected with the door. When he opened the door, he had a genuinely
shocked expression on his face, but I talked over it. “I’m sorry if I
disturbed you, but I thought you’d be interested in seeing this.” I said,
going into his room without further invitation.

“Oh, no problem. I was just resting.” We sat down on the beds and looked
at the book together. Eventually, I sat on the bed beside him. As we
looked at the book, we sat closer and closer together. Finally, he took my
hand and squeezed it hard. “I’m going over to Lori’s party for a while.
Do you want to come back later?”

“Oh, yes! I don’t normally do this sort of thing, but I really want to come
back.”

“I don’t want to stay over there for TOO long.”

“Me neither.” We stood up and kissed. As hot as I felt, he felt hotter.
But it didn’t show on his face the way it had to be showing on mine. I kept
feeling myself turning red in front of him.

“What about precautions….”

“Well, I’m not too concerned. My period ended yesterday…”

“I’d better go get some condoms.”

I felt severely embarrassed, being a college-educated, Planned-Parenthood
trained woman. At least if I was on the verge of behaving irresponsibly, I
had the good luck to find someone who WASN’T. “You’re absolutely right.
Sorry about that.”

“It’s OK,” he kissed me again, his tongue brushing my lips.

I dashed back to my room, slipped into something more comfortable (yet
socially acceptable), and went to Lori’s room. Many old friends were there,
but I couldn’t engage in coherent conversation. My thoughts and eyes kept
drifting to Len, who sat in a corner, talking. Finally, after a day-long
half hour, I went out of the party and down to the bar. I kept calling
Len’s room, to see if he’d gotten the hint and had returned to his room. No
dice. After yet another overly long half-hour, I returned to the party. He
was still there. Whew! I wandered the party a bit, then returned to the
hallway. Len followed after a moment.

“I thought you’d changed your mind.” he said sadly.

“God no. I just can’t sit still. Can we go now?”

“Yes.” We walked to the elevator, relieved that there was no one in it. I
took his hand, but we dropped hands as soon as the door opened on his floor.
No one was in the hall either, so we walked to his room together.

We were both nervous. I ran to the bathroom. He turned on the TV. “Can we
turn it off?” I asked, turning on the light across the room.

“I don’t mind.” I turned the set off and joined him on the bed. We kicked
off our shoes and laid back, just holding hands and watching each other at
first. His hands were large and bony and very strong. I suppose I have
something of a hand fetish, because just stroking his hands really turned me
on.

As we kissed, his tongue filled my mouth, and I sucked on his tongue until
my lips were sore. He played with the straps of my dress, reaching his
hand into the front to play with my bra. He took off the dress, but had a
little problem with the bra—it was one of those strapless affairs with
innumerable hooks. He took the bra off and suckled hard on my breasts. I
lay back on the bed, caressing his neck and beginning to moan in pleasure.

I finally sat up enough to help him off with his clothes. I had as much
trouble with his sansa-belt slacks as he’d had with my bra earlier. But he
helped out, and I found him hard and hot. He lay on top of me, his cock
rubbing against my underpants. My clit began trembling against his heat.
He reached inside, stroking my clitoris. “You’re so wet,” he murmurred.

“I’m not usually THIS bad…” I said, running my hands up and down his back.
My underpants were literally dripping from six hours of thinking about him and
a half hour of foreplay. Already, waves of pleasure were streaming through
my body. I remembered some of the net jokes about “If this is just
foreplay, tonight is going to kill me.” I wondered what my husband would
think if I died in the arms of another man…

I leaned forward and tentatively took his penis in my mouth. He was longer,
but narrower than what I was used to. He moaned, working my underpants off.
I sucked on him harder, feeling his cock get even hotter.

He pushed me off, laying me back and spreading my legs. “Aren’t you going
to go down on me?” I asked watching him grab for his condoms.

“I wasn’t sure if you wanted that.”

“Not want it??! Please, do!”

He fell between my legs, his pointed tongue pushing hard against my clit.
I became even wetter, some from his tongue, but mostly from my incredibe
rate of arousal. His tongue was very forceful, feeling more like a slick
finger than a tongue. He licked me out, his tongue darting in and out of
my vagina.

Finally he rose, and put the condom on effortlessly. He knelt and slid
very slowly into me, like someone using an iron poker to make a fire flare.
I pulled him in tight, feeling about ready to explode. Very gradually, we
moved together. I pulled my legs up to let him in ever further. We
shifted around quite a bit, and I took some time on top, pressing my hips
into his. An orgasm hit me so hard that my knees went weak, and I fell on
my arms to avoid hitting him.

We flipped over again, and he began pumping into me vigorously. He pulled
up my leg and wrapped it wround his shoulder. His face, usually so bland,
positively glowed as I came again. I couldn’t stop moaning. He finally
came, rolling aside and stroking my belly. The whole lower half of my
body spasmed, and I couldn’t speak for a moment.

“Same time, next year?” he asked.

“Oh!” We held onto one another, giggling. “It’s funny…that’s the
kind of lover I always wanted.”

I was amazed by how quickly he was ready to come again. I was certainly
more than ready myself! As we made love again, every nerve in my body
trembled. My body throbbed in utter pleasure. The experience reminded me
of a very long weekend my then-boyfriend (now husband) shared long ago.

We attempted to sleep together. He was far more successful than I. I found
it impossible to sleep when I was tingling so much. I finally drifted off.
When I woke up, I saw his eyes looking down on me. “Good morning,” he said,
his soft voice arousing me as much as his touch had the night before.

“Hi.” I reached up and started playing with his hair.

“How are you?” He kissed me.

“I’m tired…but terrific otherwise.” I kissed him back hard, noticing that
his penis was standing at attention under his pajamas. “Do you want to…?”

“Hmmm…” He took off his pajamas. I took off my slip, he put on a condom
and was inside me instantly. My orgasm built quickly, and I kept trying to
muffle myself, worrying that I might wake up the folks in the next room. I
sucked on his fingers, trying to quiet myself.

When we were done, I clung to him. The notion of leaving him tore at me.
But, I knew we both had roommates to consider for the duration of the
conference, and various responsibilities. I kept telling him how wonderful
he’d been, and he kept telling me how exhausted he felt. Finally, I knew I
had to leave, so I kissed him goodbye and went to my room for a much-needed
shower and a change of clothes.

I ran into him often over the next week. I particularly remember joking
with him in the bar the next night, with our respective roommates almost
within earshot. That night, after being awake for nearly two days, I laid
down on my bed as my roommate brushed her teeth in the bathroom. Just
lying down made my whole body quake, as if he were laying beside me and
taking me from behind. It was as if I was in bed with a demon. I don’t
think my roommate heard my sudden, load moan. I bit my lips and shifted my
position. It was so strange to feel myself coming without being touched,
but them, the previous 24 hours had been pretty strange.

Len and I never could work out a reunion that week. In some ways, it
didn’t matter. The night with him sent my body into what felt like a
two-month orgasm. I could feel his cock slide into me, or his tongue move
against my clit. I spent much of that week blushing. For two months, I
couldn’t make love with my husband without feeling Len. That was very
frustrating, because Len and I could never be any more than long distance
lovers. But after about two months, I approached love-making with my
husband with renewed zeal, and started appreciating him again for the fine
lover that he is.

And Len? He turned out to be a terrific one-night stand.

The Broken Drum part2

Saturday, September 6th, 2008

“He’s working late. He’s always either working late or out of
town,” she flared, scrunching her eyebrows together. “Besides,
I’m better company to myself than he’s been lately.”

“Sorry…. I was just making conversation,” I back-pedaled. As I
tried to extricate myself from the mess I was making of ’small-
talk’, I glanced down, and was immediately captured by the
promise of her entire leg, exposed as it was by the split skirt.

“See something you like, Eric?”

“No! I mean yes! I mean, your slip is showing.” See what I
mean. I’m a real conversational giant.

Our eyes locked, and she very deliberately blinked. Twice. “I
don’t know how that’s possible. I’m not wearing one.”

I unbuttoned my coat and leaned forward, ready to respond with
something profound, when I saw her eyes widen with surprise.
“Eric, I see the butt of your gun!” she gasped.

“That’s only fair, I was watching yours earlier.”

“Ahhh, but you see,” she smirked, “I have a much nicer butt than
you.”

“I know…. It’s fantastic. A man could spend a week exploring
it,” I said with a soft laugh, lifting both hands in mock
surrender. “But you win. I don’t want to butt heads with you.
Besides, my head is already sore.”

“I really am sorry about that, Eric. But, if it hadn’t happened
we wouldn’t be sitting here now.” There was a brief pause, and
then she continued, “Tell me what a nice cop like you was doing
in here all by himself.”

“We’re not going to talk about butts are we?” (Thrust)

Something happened back behind her eyes. Her pink tongue
deliberately traced their way over her firm full lips, and she
said, “We can talk about butts if you want to.”

It was like she was reading my mind. There was nothing I’d
rather than talk about than her butt.

“Did you know,” I stammered, “you are one of the rarest of
women?”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” I could tell she wasn’t at all
sure where the conversation was headed (or should I say ‘butted’
since that WAS the subject of the moment). “You mean that it’s
unusual for a woman to be in here alone? At your table?”

“Relax…. That’s not what I meant at all. What I meant was
since we were talking about butts… I’m a connoisseur of the
female posterior, and yours is spectacular.”

“Thank you, I guess… It is the only one I’ve got.”

“Ohhh, you’ve got it all right. Do you know how rare it is to
see one like yours? I mean a true heart-shaped ass!”

“Heart-shaped?”

“Sure… The way it swells out at your hips, and then tucks in
tight at the … I mean the way it’s shaped. Like a heart.
I’ll bet you’re the first I’ve ever seen in person.”

Listen, buster. An ass is an ass.”

“True, but all asses are not created equal,” I quipped.

“But they all serve the same purpose,” she grinned, “but, as a
connoisseur I’m sure you can explain the difference.”

“The difference is in style. To use your analogy a ‘52 Chevy and
a Porche 924 serve the same purpose. The difference is in the
lines and the form… And if you’ll pardon the expression, how
much fun they are to drive.” I tried to maintain a straight
face, as she chuckled. Then I continued, “The same can be set
for asses, or butts if you prefer. Walk down any street and
observe the female posteriors. Some are so wide they’re measured
in ax-handles, some have sagging buns, some jiggle like bowls of
Jell-O, and some women suffer from that dread malady ‘no-ass-a-
tall’.

I looked over, and her eyes were dancing as I picked up speed.
“On the other hand, some are slim and tight, nicely rounded, or
have fantastic definition. It’s all in the eye of the beholder.”

“Okay, Mr. Expert. What about mine?”

“Like I said, yours is that one-in-a-million, breathtaking, moan-
causing, erection arousing, perfectly proportioned, example of
feminine perfection; a heart-shaped butt. It’s a pleasure to
follow you anytime, anywhere.”

“Down, boy! I think I should throw a bucket of cold water on
you,” she said with a shake of her head.

“Right now I don’t think it would help.”

“So, I take it you liked what you beheld…?”

“I’d like to hold what I beheld.” (Damn, I’m into this repartee)

“Keep me laughing, Big Boy… You just might get your wish,” she
chuckled in reply to my amazing wit, as she reached over and
squeezed my hand.

During this whole con-fab she’d been putting away the Black Jack,
neat. Pop… Pop… Pop… One after another. Not non-stop, but
steady.

I was still working in my first one (at this sitting), so I knew
I was okay. I took a careful look and she wasn’t showing any
effect, YET. But since she was flesh and blood it would only be
a matter of time.

I reached for her wrist, and held it on the table. “Candice,
you’ve been hitting that awfully hard. How about something to
eat?”

“Why not?” she answered. “I want a steak, a baked potato and
a salad. Will you order while I run to the ‘tur-let’?”

“Sure,” I answered. “How do you want your steak, and what kinda
dressing?”

By now she was on her feet, and I was again treated to an eyeful
of the whole enchilada. “Rare, and blue cheese,” she answered.
Her legs were spread, and the one closest to me stuck all that
out of that spit skirt again.

I’m sure she felt my eyes, as the traveled all the way up. From
the tip of the thin black spike-heels, over her thin, fine boned
ankle, across her trim calf, around her slim knee, up that finely
muscled tapered thigh, grazing her tight belly, lingering at her
firm swelling breasts. Oh, yeah…. Quite a package.

She turned and winked at me, over her shoulder as she angled to
the ‘tur-let’. God Damn! She moved like she had ball-bearings in
her hips, and in that tight knit each one of her firm, tight,
independently-suspended buns expanded and contracted, and raised
and lowered, moved forward and backward…. called to me in the
oldest language know to man.

I waved to Janine, and tried to place our order. Janine was
being difficult, so I hoped we wouldn’t get chili. Women! I’d
asked Janine out twice, and she’d refused times. Now, here I am
…End of the part2. To be continued..

The Broken Drum part10

Thursday, September 4th, 2008

second ahead of me, but who cares!! We essentially came
together, which although it isn’t all it’s cracked up to be, is
pretty terrific.

When the shuddering and spasming, and spewing and cuming was
over, I lay in her arms as we both gasped and wheezed. Then I
rolled off and she lay on my shoulder, with her knee across my
thighs.

“I’ve gotta go…” I was aware of the words, even though I
hadn’t really heard her say them, as we lay there cuddling.

“I thought you didn’t want me to send to home?” I mumbled.

“Who said anything about home…..?” she said, just after she
licked my ear. “I’ve gotta use your ‘tur-let’.”

“Okay,” I said sleepily. “I’ll be right here.”

That earned me a poke in the ribs, so I leaned up on my elbow,
and watched her perfection (spelled ass) as she moved through the
dark bedroom, and became an hour-glass-shaped outline against the
bright light.

I felt the bed bounce, when she returned, and then a hiss of
displeasure….

“Awww, shit!”

“Whatsa matter?” I mumbled.

“I’ve got the wet spot.”

“Only if you want it…. Come around here. It’s dry.”

“Then you’ll have it,” she whined.

“Wanna bet? You sleep on this side, and I’ll be so close to
you…” (What a gentleman!?)

By now I was more or less awake, so I rolled out of the bed,
patting my side. “C’mon… Get your gorgeous ass over here, and
I’ll take care of the wet spot.”

When I got back from the bathroom with a fresh towel, she had
done what I asked, and was lying flat on her back, clutching the
sheet and blanket up under her chin, with both hands staring at
the ceiling.

“I know… It needs painting.” I said as I slid in beside her.

“Wha…. Ohhh, no… It’s fine.

“Then what’s the matter?” I asked.

“Just nervous….. That’s all,” she answered.

“What have you got to be nervous about NOW? Hell, if you were
going to be nervous, it should have been a couple of hours ago.”

“A couple of hours ago, I was too hot to be nervous.”

By now my arm was under her neck, and her head was again on my
shoulder. My free hand was sliding over her flank, soothing her,
like you would a scared puppy. “C’mon, Candi… What’s the
matter?”

“I’m scared… That’s what’s the matter.” she said grimly.

“About what?” I was starting to get sleepy again, but I was
struggling.

“If my husband finds out about tonight…. He’ll kill us both.”

Now I wasn’t sleepy! “I thought you said he was out-of-town or
something?” I asked, suddenly paying more attention to her words
than her firm, young flesh that I was stroking.

“I think I said he was working late. He’s always working late,
or out-of-town. That’s what I said.”

There was a resigned tone to her voice. Kinda’ like ‘what’s done
is done, and there’s no way to fix it’. “It’s too late now?” I
asked. “I mean, it’s too late to go home now?”

“Yeah…. By now he’s home. I mean, how can I explain… What
could I say?”

“Tell him the truth,” I said quietly. My brain was spinning a-
mile-a-minute. “You can’t lie… He’ll know in a second if
you’re lying to him.”

“No! You don’t know him. He’ll kill me…. I mean literally
kill me DEAD! Then he’ll come after you. Or he’ll send somebody
after you,” she protested.

“Then don’t tell him the full truth… Just tell him enough that
it makes sense…” I was scrambling now. All I needed was some
jealous son-of-a-bitch gunning for me.

I continued…. “Tell him you stopped someplace for a drink or
two. As you were leaving you bumped into a cop, who pinched
you.” This last statement was accompanied by a firm squeeze of
the closest available nipple.

She gasped, and looked over at me, her eyes wild.

“Then, tell him you were too embarrassed, or too scared to call
him in the middle of the night, so you waited until this morning,
signed yourself out, and now you’re home….”

“That just might work.”

“Sure,” I said, none too sure whether it would or not. “I can
write up a violation and give it to you. You know, I’ll put a
time on it like 8:30 or 9:00.”

“Yes…. And that would explain why my car is still at the
Drum…. Oh, Eric… I think It’ll work.” Her last statement
was accompanied by a long deep kiss.

“Okay, now settle down and get some sleep,” I said as my free
hand moved over her.

She sighed, and rolled over on her side, pressing back against
me. My face was buried in her long blonde hair, and my arm and
hand were draped over her tight flat stomach.

=====================================================================

I guess we both drifted off. Because the next thing I was aware
of, was waking up in almost the same position. I say almost,
because now my cock was hard as a rock, resting against her butt,
and my hand was filled with her tit. I turned my head a little
and nuzzled her neck.

“Morning, lover…” I heard her say softly. “Did you sleep
all right?” Her hand covered mine, and mine still covered her
breast.

“Better than all right. I could get used to this.”

“Me too.” Her words ware accompanied by a wiggle of her hips. The
base of ‘Ol Faithful’ was now resting in the crack of her ass.

“I suppose we better get up,” I said, glancing at the alarm
beside the bed.

“If you want to,” she answered, again wiggling her butt against
me. But, before we do, I have a question for you.”
…End of the part10. To be continued..