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THE BOOK OF ASSES part6

Sunday, March 15th, 2009

having it fucked at least as much as her cunt. Maybe even more.

It turned out that she liked his ass, too. Sticking a lubricated finger

or two into him became a regular part of their lovemaking. Then, one

night she found a wrapped up little surprise waiting on her pillow. It

was a custom-made dildo harness in her size (60″ hips!). Her face lit

up like a 1000-watt floodlight.

It turned out that she liked fucking him as much as she liked being

fucked. Maybe even more. She was constantly after him to flop over on his

stomach or get on his hands and knees so she could “plumb his depths,”

as she so eloquently put it. But there can be too much of a good thing,

even when one’s depths are being plumbed. (Human plumbing does have its

limits.) Some days his hole was so swollen and sore that even taking

a shit was an ordeal. He was embarrassed to take his bloodstained

undershorts to the laundromat. It got so he had to hide out from her

when she had that certain gleam in her eye.

“Damn you, Val! You’re mine! You belong to me! I *own* you! Every part

of you. How dare you deny me your ass when I *need* it?”

“Look, Maya, baby. We’ve had a good thing going, but you don’t own me.

I hate to say this, but . . . move that big ass of yours out that door

. . . and keep right on moving it into the far distance.

——————————————————————-

THE BOOK OF ASSES

Part IV

Positions

For beginners at anal intercourse, the “spoon position” works very

nicely. This has the inserter lying on his/her side behind the

receiver, facing the receiver’s back. The receiver draws the legs up

part way toward the chest. The inserter curls up tightly behind and

holds on to the hips of the partner, perhaps parting the buttocks

to aid entry. Depth of penetration ranges from medium to fairly deep.

The classic ass fucking position is “bent over.” The receiver

bends over forward with legs spread slightly apart, and presents

the buttocks for insertion. This particular position works either

standing up or down on hands and knees. It often helps for the

receiver to recline forward over a bed or padded piece of furniture

with his/her entire weight supported. This takes the stress off

the muscles of the lower back and buttocks and helps sphincter

relaxation for ease of insertion. Depth of penetration is deep.

There are two variations of the “straight-up” position. Both partners

may stand erect, with the inserter behind the receiver as before,

but neither bends over. In similar fashion, the receiver may lie

flat on his/her stomach on a bed or padded surface, with the active

person lying atop the partners back and inserting from behind. A

pillow under the receiver’s hips facilitates insertion. Depth of

penetration is medium to deep and the insertion angle results in

direct stimulation of the anterior anal/vaginal wall, with its

many nerve endings — or prostrate, dependering on the sex of

the receiver.

The anal “missionary” position has the receiver lying on his/her back

with partially bent legs pulled up far toward the chest. The inserter

grasps the partner’s ankles, pulls the legs over his/her shoulders,

and leans over, face to face, toward the partner. The receiver must

usually guide the penis of his/her lover into his/her own ass. This

position provides exceptionally good anal/vaginal wall or prostate

stimulation for the receiver and permits kissing. Some call this

configuration “doing it in the family way” for its similarities

to the classic “missionary” position. Depth of penetration can be

very deep, and this may cause discomfort for the receiver if the

inserter has an exceptionally large penis or dildo.

A variation of the above “missionary” position has the inserter

sitting. The receiver lies on his/her back, but with his/her ass on

the lap of the inserter, and legs draped high over the inserter’s

…End of the part6. To be continued..

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THE BOOK OF ASSES part3

Thursday, March 12th, 2009

but not approach too closely.

Then there was the added bonus of being able to reach around and with

a massaging hand make Warren’s hard dick twitch and spasm and spurt

. . . and see and feel Warren’s stretched-open asshole involuntarily

contract and clench around the dick deeply embedded within it. It seemed

that ass-fucking a man had its peculiar attractions.

The next time they met, Warren wanted to be on top. The thought had

already occurred to Val, but . . .

——————————————————————–

The one thing men fear most is being penetrated. Being fucked in the

ass. It implies loss of manhood, loss of control, degradation. It’s

the ultimate taboo. Yet, anything forbidden, especially *that*

forbidden has a powerful attraction.

——————————————————————–

. . . Yes, Val been more than a little bit curious about how it would feel

to take a dick into his own ass . . . to be the one fucked. He was getting

hot and horny just thinking about it. And Warren somehow knew that. He

gave Val a confident smile and began unbuttoning his shirt. It was a race

between the two of them to see who could get out of his clothes first.

It went surprisingly well. Warren was a patient and skilled lover and he

understood the value of lube.

The initial entry was a bit of a shock. Val felt himself *stretching*

down there, felt his hole enlarging, felt himself opening and being

pulled apart by the hard flesh pressing into his tunnel. He ached with

the sheer rapture of it and a long drawn-out sigh escaped his lips.

“Are you all right?” Warren asked.

“What you’re doing to me — it’s tearing me apart, but it feels so good

and I don’t know what’s happening . . . ”

“Just think of it as a transformative experience,” Warren suggested.

“Let your feminine side express itself.”

Looking at the full-length wardrobe mirror, Val watched two naked male

bodies on their hands and knees. It was bizarre seeing Warren’s bare ass

bouncing back and forth. The glimses of fleshy shaft sliding in and out

of his own ass brought on flashbacks of all the times he had been on

the giving end. It was perverted. Dirty. Unnatural. Thinking that made

him even hornier. His dick was hard.

The liquid friction of the dick pistoning in and out of him and the

sensation of fullness rippling up and down his gut felt . . . well,

good. No, better than good. Intensely good. Head-exploding good. His own

hard dick was throbbing in the rhythm of what was going on inside his

ass. Each time Warren bottomed out in him, Val sensed his guts vibrate

with a rumbling surge of power. After a few minutes of that, he felt

pressure building up within him and . . . and . . . Warren was holding

steady at maximum depth and reaching around to massage his dick with a

greased-up hand. Val pulsed and released his liquid between Warren’s

fingers, while his ass throbbed and clenched around Warren’s dick. He

gasped and strange geometric patterns flashed behind his eyeballs.

“So, you liked it?”

“It was okay,” Val managed to croak. He felt a pleasant ache in his rectum

as he used a hand towel to wipe up the wetness dribbling out of him. What

had happened to him, really? Had he lost an essential part of himself –

his manhood, or had he gained something? What had he become?

———————————————————————–

A quaint term for orgasm is “the little death.” The person experiencing

it allegedly dies, and is reborn changed in some essential way. So

it is with a man sodomized for the first time. He has overstepped a

barrier, and this has released an enormous charge of psychic power. For

better or worse, he has transformed into a new and different person.

———————————————————————–

“I do believe you’re a natural,” Warren was saying. ” A natural bottom.

…End of the part3. To be continued..

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MY MOTHER SUSAN part16

Monday, February 16th, 2009

holding her wrists above her head. I whispered in her ear, “I want you to

get on your knees, facing away from me. I’m going to fuck you from the

back.”

She gasped, “My ass?”

“That’ll be later, little girl,” giving her my oil-can Harry voice,

“Right now, I want to sink into your woman place, that sweet, hot girl

pussy, but from the back. Doggie position.”

Would my dignified mother submit to kneeling in front of me, ass in

the air, that I might fuck her like an animal?

As she was scrambling around she said over her shoulder, “God,

Billy. I love it doggie style. How’d you know?”

Kneeling just behind her, I looked down at her very narrow waist

and her beautiful ass and replied, “Didn’t. But I do now. You’re pussy

looks so sweet, pooched out that way between your legs.”

“Jesus, you’ve got a wonderfully dirty mouth.” Then she chuckled,

adding, “And I love it.”

She lowered her head to her crossed forearms, accenting the sway

of her back. With her ass pointing up, the cheeks of her buttocks opened

and I could see for the first time her ass hole. It was tan, slightly darker

than the surrounding skin, puckered and tight looking. I wondered if she’d

ever had Dad’s cock in her butt.

“You’re looking at my ass, aren’t you?” As if reading my mind, she

added, “I love anal sex but your father thinks its somehow dirty.”

“Susan, I’ve dreamed of this. Months . . . couple of years even.

And now we’re here. It’s one of those rare times when the realization is

greater than the expectation.”

“Don’t tease me, Billy. Touch me. I’m hungry for you.”

With the fingers of my right hand pointing down, I hooked my

thumb in her pussy and cupped her mons. I’d read of the so-called G-spot

and searched for it with my thumb. Almost instantly I was rewarded.

“Umph . . . yes! Right there! God, what you’re doing to me. I

can’t believe this.”

I rolled the pulp of my thumb over that slightly raised tissue under

her pubic bone as I fingered her clit on the outside. With my left hand, I

traced feather-light touches around the rim of her anus. The sphincter

tightened and then relaxed. I pushed the tip of my left index finger against

her anal opening, applying constant but gentle pressure.

“Oh, God. What are you doing? I can feel so many feelings but I

can’t tell where they’re coming from. You’re driving me ca-RAY-zy.”

Her hips were rolling and I had only to hold my right hand still to

allow her to set the rhythm and intensity. I continued to gently apply

pressure to her anal sphincter, occasionally bending down to drop a dollop

of spittle on her softening ass hole.

“Yes, yes, yes,” she chanted. “Do that. Do *everything*!”

As she rolled her pelvis, pushing butt back against me, my left index

finger slowly slipped into her ass up to the first and then the second joint

and finally all the way. Curving my finger forward in her rectum, I could

feel my thumb in her pussy through the thin wall of tissue separating those

two cavities. God, I couldn’t believe what was happening!

Her orgasmic song started again, initially deep in her chest and

raising to her throat, ending in a wail. Vocal restraint was not her strong

suite. For one who was normally so properly restrained, it clearly did not

extend to sexual passions and orgasms. I idly wondered if my neighbors

could hear her, and then dismissed it, not caring a whit if they did.

We both slumped to a pile of entangled limbs, she exhausted from

another orgasm and me . . . well just emotionally wiped out.

…End of the part16. To be continued..

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tits, and showing his fingers how to pinch her nipples as she
neared an orgasm. I could see his big cock shining with my
wife’s cunt juices when she raised herself up on it, only to drop
down with a moan.
It wasn’t long before she began a very intense orgasm. She
lost control of her rhythm, and was moaning in complete surrender
to the feeling washing through her. When the orgasm abated,
Jenny slowly lifted herself off Danny’s still-hard cock. He
whimpered a low “No,” but Jenny laid down on the chaise, with a
leg off each side, and smiled, “Come fuck me, Dan.”
And he did. He moved between her legs, and shoved his meat
up her cunt in one fast move. Jenny grunted at the force of his
invasion and wrapped her legs around his hips and her arms around
his neck. Danny then proceeded to pound Jenny’s ass into the
deep cushion of the chaise, ramming his cock into her up to the
root.
Jenny stayed right with him, urging him on, “Oh, yes, Dan.
Fuck me. Pump me hard, Dear. Oh, yes!”
By luck, accident or design, they both hit their orgasm
simultaneously. After their climax, Danny rolled off Jenny. His
cock was shining with her and his own juices, and they were both
covered with sweat. Their breathing slowed and Jenny dropped her
hand to Danny’s chest, running her fingernails gently over his
skin. They shared her lemonade and Danny stood to pull up his
shorts.
Jenny held out her hand, “Wait. Let me clean that for you,
Dan.” He needed no further urging to move closer to my wife.
Jenny took his soft, wet cock into her mouth and began to
suck and lick it clean. In seconds, it was growing hard yet
again, and I marveled at Danny’s recuperative powers.
Jenny gave a throaty laugh and said, “Oh, dear! It’s still
alive!”
Danny smiled as Jenny let it slip out of her mouth and she
positioned herself bending over the chaise. Danny walked his
hard cock right up Jenny’s cunt.
It took a little while for him to come this time, and Jenny
didn’t come, but her urging and moaning signified she was
definitely enjoying being fucked again. When Danny finished,
Jenny told him I’d be waking up soon and he could finish the lawn
later.
Jenny walked naked across the lawn and into porch and stood
beside me. “Happy birthday, Darling. Want to feel someone
else’s cum in your wife’s cunt?”
I reached out and inserted two fingers up her cunt. I could
feel the mixture of her lubricant and Danny’s sticky cum and my
cock began shooting again. Jenny bent over and caught the rest
of my cum with her mouth. When I finished, Jenny smiled and
looked down at her body. Cum was dripping down her thighs, her
tits had red marks on them where Danny had been a little rough,
and she was covered with sweat and grass and dust. To me, she
had never looked sexier in her life.
She licked the wetness off my fingers and said, “I need a
long hot bath!” I was exhausted and fell asleep before she
started to fill the tub.

Jenny and I discussed the day’s events over dinner. She
said she had been thinking about it a long time. Although she
couldn’t picture herself ever cheating on me with another man,
the thought of me watching her with another man grew and grew
until it became a full-fledged turn-on for her, too. She worked
the whole plan through her head for days, before she had the
nerve to actually call Danny and arrange for him to mow the lawn.
“So, how was he? His stamina depressed this 40-year old
man.”
Jenny giggled and said, “His stamina surprised this 35-year
old woman! I thought it would all be over and done in just a few
minutes.”
I toasted her with my wine, “You are the cause of that,
Dear. Your beauty, your amazing body, and your pure sexuality.”
Jenny blushed, “The whole time it was going on, I was
thinking about you watching me, knowing I was doing this for
you.”
I raised an eyebrow, “Oh, so then you didn’t enjoy it?”
She laughed, “Of course, I enjoyed it! If he ever learns
how to really use what he has, there will be a traffic problem in
the neighborhood from all the teenie-boppers lining up and
cruising by. He’s a real stud.”
A serious thought intruded, “You know he’ll want more, don’t
you?”
Jenny waved my concern away. “I’m sure he’ll ask or try,
but I’ll convince him it was a once in a lifetime thing that can
never be repeated.”
Jenny was right. She told me that a few days later, Danny
stopped by before I got home from work. Jenny said she sat him
down, held his hand and apologized for what happened. She said
she didn’t know what came over her, that she loved her husband
and could never risk her marriage like that, again. Apparently,
Danny took it all, with a pout, but finally left.
If anything, Jenny and I felt even closer than we did before
my birthday. Left with a quiet moment in work, or distracted
from a book, my mind would wander back to our porch, and I could
see another man’s hard, pink/purple cock spreading my wife’s pink
pussy lips, fucking her willing cunt.
……
On a Friday night in November I was home alone. A guy in
Jenny’s office was being transferred to Los Angles, and she was
at the going away party. A little after midnight, the phone woke
me.
It was Jenny, “If I were you, I’d take a chair into the
bedroom closet. I might be bringing home another birthday gift
for you. I love you.”
Surprised at the call, I hurried to make the bed and pry a
few louvers in the closet door apart. I was ready when I heard
the car pull into our driveway.
The front door opened, and I heard Jenny, “Thanks for the
ride home, Bill. I had too, too much to drink.”
Bill was the guy leaving for L.A. He was about my age and
very good-looking. “My pleasure, Jenny. The party was beginning
to drag, anyway. What do you say we wake Ron up and keep the
party going here?”
“No can do. Ron’s in Denver until tomorrow, and I’ve had
enough to drink for the night. I’m very tight! How about you?
Want a coffee or another drink?”
“Sure, coffee sounds great.”
“Good. I make a mean cup of coffee. But, first, let me get
these damn heels off.”
“I’ll keep you company.”
Jenny hit the light switch as she entered the bedroom and
Bill was one step behind her. I had the perfect view of him
reaching around my wife and cupping her breasts. Jenny leaned
her head back on his shoulder and said, “Ohhhh, Bill. You aren’t
trying to take advantage of my inebriated state, are you?”
His fingers had found Jenny’s nipples, and they were
obviously hardening to his touch. “Yeah, I want to take
advantage of you. I want to see how really tight you are, and I
don’t mean from the drinks.”
Jenny turned and pushed him back onto the bed. He was
sitting on the edge, looking up at her. Her back was to me and
I watched Bill’s face as my wife began to strip for him. Her
dress buttoned across the shoulders, and when open, fell to her
feet. Jenny slowly lifted the dark blue, full slip up over her
hips and head and stood still. She was still wearing her heels,
a dark lacy bra, tiny panties, garterbelt and stockings.
Bill licked his lips. “I want to see your tits.”
Jenny opened the front of her bra and dropped it to the
floor.
“Your pussy. I want to see your cunt.”
Jenny stepped out of her wispy panties and pushed Bill back
onto the bed. Then she knelt on the floor between his legs and
began to open his slacks. I heard the zipper and watched her
pull his pants down to the floor. His cock stood up pink and
rigid. Jenny shifted position to give me a perfect view as she
lowered her mouth over his cock.
She sucked him for a few minutes and then climbed up and
mounted him. Bill grabbed handfuls of her ass, “Oh, Jenny, you
ARE tight! All this time we worked together, we could’ve been
fucking like this. You walk around that office like the perfect
lady, but you are really one easy little slut, aren’t you?”
Jenny was responding to his cock and his talk, but before
she could get there, Bill tightened his hold on her ass and
…End of the part2. To be continued..

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-Humourfgoosetxt part6

Tuesday, November 11th, 2008

Once upon a time, there was an old Chinese man who lived in an even older shop
in a back alley of San Francisco’s Chinatown. Mr. Chan (for that was the name
by which he was known to his neighbors) ran an Oriental novelty store. He
stocked all of the standard Far Eastern trinkets, such as paper kites shaped
like fish, cheap imitation silk kimonos, Japanese lanterns, chopsticks, and
so on, but both his heart and his profit were in his collection of wooden
figurines. Fortunate contacts, mostly relatives in Taiwan, had given him
access to the finest woods of the Orient, and the most skilled carvers. His
greatest treasures were tiny statuettes, no bigger than your thumb, carved
from teak wood. These were totally unique to his establishment, for he had
a cousin who owned the finest stand of teak trees in Burma, and, his greatest
secret, a distant relative by marriage was a blind sculpter who specialized
in carving these miniatures. Mr. Chan’s statues had made him rather well
known among connoisseurs of Oriental curiosities, and provided him with a
comfortable living.

Mr. Chan’s life had continued undisturbed for years, and all seemed most
serene. Every day he would come down from his bedroom above the shop,
unlock the door, and wait for business. He would sell a few cheap knicknacks
to tourists, and, perhaps once a month, a buyer would arrive to look over
his collection of statuettes. Such a special customer would receive Mr.
Chan’s full attention, and they would talk for hours about the finer points
of Oriental carving. Usually the visit would end with a sale, and Mr. Chan
would retire happily to his bed.

One day, though, disaster struck. Mr. Chan came downstairs, and discovered
that his store had been vandalized! The door was ripped right off of its
hinges and lay 20 feet down the street. Paper lanterns were ripped apart,
coolie hats smashed to straw, and some fine, delicate Japanese screens were
riddled with holes. But worst of all, the glass display case in which Mr.
Chan kept his figurines had been shattered, and all of the figurines were
stolen!

Mr. Chan, though momentarily shocked, was made of stern stuff. He called the
police at once, and consoled himself that, wise businessman that he was, he
was fully insured. While this was meager compensation for the loss of his
beloved statues, he hoped that the police would be able to recover them. The
police, however, despite a painstaking search, could discover but one clue:
tiny, muddy, childlike footprints leading from the door to the display case.
The police suspected a youth gang, but could find no further evidence.

Mr. Chan was forced to disappoint several of his regular customers while
waiting for the next shipment of statues from Taiwan, but they finally
arrived, and Mr. Chan was very excited, for these were even finer than any
he had previously received. He carefully arranged them in his display case
(he had, of course, replaced the broken one), looked over them with pride,
and retired for the night, secure in the knowledge that his new burglar
alarm system would protect them.

In the middle of the night, Mr. Chan was jolted to consciousness by the
sudden blare of the alarm. He wrapped a robe around himself and rushed
downstairs, but too late! The display case was again smashed, the statues
gone, and a set of wet. muddy, miniscule footprints lead out of the
shattered door. Mr. Chan attempted to give chase, but failed to catch the
culprits. The police were again unable to turn up any clues but the childlike
footprints, which seemed particularly incongruous in the face of the fact that
Mr. Chan’s brand new steel reinforced door had been burst open seemingly
without effort.

Mr. Chan had lost confidence in San Francisco’s finest. He replaced the
security precautions, making them even stronger, but determined to take
direct action. Thus, when the next shipment of statuettes arrived some
months later, delayed by a blight on the Burmese teak groves and a typhoon in
the China Sea, Mr. Chan had a plan of action. He placed the figurines in the
new display case and concealed himself behind a curtain made of plastic beads,
and waited, ancient Chinese arquebus loaded and at the ready. Any thief who
dared to venture into his store tonight would be in for a nasty surprise!

The hours passed. Mr. Chan, despite good intentions, dropped off to sleep
and the arquebus slipped off of his lap and slid behind a large pile of
Javanese sandals. Then, all of a sudden there was a tremendous ripping
noise, followed closely by the high pitched scream of the burglar alarm!
Mr. Chan leaped to his feet, clutching for his weapon, but he could not
find it! The lights, activated by the alarm system, flashed on, revealing
to Mr. Chan a sight which made his blood freeze. Running quickly towards
the display case, in a crouch to get through the low door, was a tremendous
grizzly bear. Saliva dripped from its yellowed fangs and Mr. Chan was almost
overcome by the greasy stench of its fur. Despite its huge size, the bear
moved swiftly, almost delicately…on little tiny feet no bigger than those
of a ten year old child. The bear reached the display case and, with a
single swipe of its fearsome paw, smashed the security glass. It reached
inside and rather clumsily gathered up all of the figurines. Then, with an
almost balletic move, it spun round on its tiny feet and prepared to leave
the store, no more than ten seconds after it had entered.

Mr. Chan was momentarily unnerved by the sudden appearence of the bear, but
the courage of generations of Chinese warriors flowed in his veins, brought
to the fore by the desecration and theft of his most prized possesions. Taking
no head for his personal safety, caring not at all that he was frail and
unarmed, he leaped out from behind the bed curtain and, in a voice so filled
with outrage that it even overcame the screaming sirens of the burglar alarm
system, shouted:

“Stop right where you are, boyfoot bear with teak of Chan!”

[Father Goose #35]

Once upon a time, in the Kingdom of the Pearls, there lived an extremely
cultured pearl named Michael. Michael was a pearl of high ideals and
great aspirations, and, in the hopes of better serving his fellow pearls,
he went to law school, graduated, and opened a legal clinic. He became
well known for his charitable services to less fortunate pearls. But alas,
after a few years, he began to burn out. He paid less and less attention
to his cases. Eventually, he dropped out completely and became a beachcomber,
spending his days lying on the strand with grains of sand sticking to his
filthy, unwashed body. And his relatives, filled with sorrow at this sight,
all chanted,

A gritty pearl is Michael, LLD.

[Father Goose #36]

Once upon a time there was this bum named Benny. Benny didn’t have a dime,
except when he could beg one off of somebody, and he lived by sifting through
garbage heaps looking for discarded items which could still be sold to a
pawnbroker for a few cents. On day, as he was looking through the city
dump, he came upon an old-fashioned Arabian Nights style lamp. It was
pretty beat up, and Benny didn’t think he could get much for it, so he
was about to discard it. Then he thought, “Well, if I knocked out some of
the dents and polished it up a bit, maybe Sam the Pawnbroker would give me
a quarter for it.” So Benny rubbed it against his sleeve to see if it would
polish up without too much work.

Lo and behold, a huge cloud of tastefully colored smoke billowed forth from
the lamp and formed itself into a gigantic genie. Benny cowered in awe, until
the genie bellowed: “Oh, Master, I am the genie of the lamp, and I am yours to
command. I will grant you any wish, any desire you may have. Nothing is
beyond my power. I can make you rich. I can make you famous. I can make
beautiful women fall in love with you. I can make the networks put “Star
Trek” back on the air. But I am an eccentric genie, and, if all of this is
to be yours, you must do one thing!”

Benny, knowing a good deal when he hears one, says, “What must I do, oh
genie?”

And the genie replied, “It is a simple thing, a trifle really, but I must
insist upon it. You must never again, under any circumstances and for any
reason, shave your beard. If you let your whiskers grow, I will serve you
faithfully and grant your every desire. But should you ever shave again,
I will strike you with a lightning bolt, reducing your body to ashes, which
I will then store in a gawdy funeral urn alongside the remains of all
of my former faithless masters in a cave in the vicinity of Damascus.”

Benny, being a bum, didn’t shave very often anyway, so this sounded like
a pretty good deal, and he agreed. He wished for wealth, and, lo and behold,
he was wealthy. He wished to become powerful, and he was immediately elected
to the board of directors of seven companies and named Time’s Man of the Year.
Then he met Sally. Sally was the most beautiful girl he’d ever seen, and the
moment he saw her, he knew that she was the only woman for him. As the
genie had promised, Sally fell in love with him. However, despite her love,
…End of the part6. To be continued..

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-Humourfgoosetxt part4

Sunday, November 9th, 2008

[Father Goose #21]

Two guys were stranded on a desert island.
The only way they could get food was to kill
sea birds by throwing rocks at them.
By the time they were rescued,
… They had left no tern unstoned.

[Father Goose #22]

There was once was this guy who developed a bad case of flatulence. The smell
was quite embarrasing, but what was worse was the sound which was a loud
“HONDA!” He went to a number of doctor (of course) and none of them
could help him (as is always the case in these tales). Finally out of
desperation he went to an old chinese doctor and explained his problem.
Without any examination the doctor said, “You have an abcessed tooth, have it
fixed and your problem will be solved.” So he went to a dentist, and sure,
enough he did have an abcessed tooth, which he had repaired, and his “HONDA”
farts went away as well. So he went back to the chinese doctor and said,
“What’s the punch line?” — or was it, “How did you know that I had an
abcessed tooth?”

“Because”, said the chinese doctor, “everybody know that …

… abcess make the fart go HONDA!”

[Father Goose #23]

Once in a land far, far away there lived a group of people called
Trids. The Trids were happy except for the huge ogre that lived
on the mountain. The ogre would periodically terrorize the Trids.

The Trids tired of the ogre and sought to reason with him. They thought
one of their religious leaders would be a good intermediary. So a group
of Trids and their minister went up the mountain and before they could
even say one word the ogre kicked them down the mountain. Not being
dismayed the Trids thought that maybe the ogre was Catholic, so they sent
another delagation, this time led by the local priest. But alas, as they
approached the ogre he once again kicked them all down the mountain.

The Trids were upset until they thought that perhaps the ogre was Jewish.
Unfortunately, no Trids were Jewish, so they wrote to the people of another
land and asked them to send a Rabbi to help them with the ogre. The
Rabbi arrived and led a delegation of Trids up the mountain. The ogre
saw them coming and kicked all of them, except for the Rabbi, down the
mountain. The Rabbi, having been told of the previous expeditions, wondered
why he alone had not been kicked down the mountain, so he asked the ogre.
The ogre laughed and replied:

“Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids!”

[Father Goose #24]

During the invasion of Sicily in World War II, General
George (“Blood ‘n’ Guts”) Patton was preparing to take the
city of Palermo. He checked with his meteorologists and learned
the day he had chosen would be incredibly rainy. So he issued
an order to place copies of the New York “Times” immediately
beneath the tailgates of the transports carrying his troops.
In this way the men could keep their feet dry.

His staff was mystified. Why the “Times”? Why not the New
York “Daily News”? Patton was adamant; and one did not argue
with the General. As five tons of old copies of the “Times”
were being loaded, the General issued one of his greatest
quotes to the assembled war correspondents:

“THESE ARE THE ‘TIMES’ THAT DRY MEN’S SOLES.”

[Father Goose #25]

Henry the Plantationer was the Lord of the best flower plantation
in all the land, but he had lost his family’s corner on the market of
fleur de lis (hard won by his father).
This loss enraged his cousin Richard, a nasty, deformed, but clever
man who was lord of the fields of white roses, and who raised 400 pound
attack boars for a hobby.
Henry’s other cousins, who lorded over the fields of red roses
were merely annoyed. They felt that Henry was a good man. He was a quiet
visionary gentleman, with a good raport with the heavenly father.
As time passed, Richard’s fury grew, and he openly proclaimed
that he, not Henry should run the plantation. This of course caused many
bad feelings.
These feelings came to a head one spring evening, when Henry
was hosting a fancy feast, with all of the local royalty attending
except (for obvious reasons) Richard.
When this fest was in full swing, Richard burst in, with five of
his biggest
most viscious attack boars. And they tore up the feast, and the people
turning it into a grotesque study of blood and flesh. When this was done
and only Richard and a few others were left alive, Gruesome Richard
proclaimed

“Now is the dinner of our wistful gent wrent gory assunder by this
ton of pork !”
[ The story draws from several Shakespeare Histories and the saying from
his Richard the Third, "Now is the winter of our
discontent made glorious summer by this Son of York."]

[Father Goose #26]

There was this troupe of dancers that traveled around
the country dancing in clubs and theaters. They were called
the Steppers. At one club, the Steppers did such a good job
of pulling in patrons that the management gave them all the
drinks they could drink after the show.

Well, they all got plastered and were having a big party.
When it came time to get on their bus to travel to the next town,
they did not want to stop partying, so they just moved the party
to the bus. As they rode down the highway, you could here their
yelling, singing, and laughing for miles.

At a house along that very highway, there lived a family that
had a pet snake. It was a viper, and it’s name was Peter. That
night, Peter Viper was asleep in his snake house in the back yard.
Suddenly, he was awakened by a loud racket. It was the bus
carrying the Steppers still having their party. But Peter didn’t
know that. In his confusion, he thought he was back in deep dark
Africa being pursued by Pygmies. He slithered out of his snake
house, headed across the yard as fast as he could, and crossed the
highway just in front of the bus. The bus driver, who was a little
sleepy, saw Peter Viper in the road, and mistook him for a giant log.
He swerved, and the bus landed in the ditch, drunk Steppers
lying everywhere.

The next day, the headline in the paper read “Peter Viper
wrecks a truck of pickled Steppers”.

[Father Goose #27]

President Eisenhower’s Mother had a sister; this lady constantly
had trouble in bright sunshine because her nose was so sensitive
that the skin peeled off every summer.

Her doctor made a simple remedy, a small cone of paper (like a
Dunce’s cap) which she stuck onto her nose at the first sign of
sun.

Do you believe this?

I didn’t until Mick Jagger sang about it.

Ike’s Aunt gets nose hat is fact, son

[Father Goose #28]

…End of the part4. To be continued..

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-Humourfemaletxt part3

Sunday, November 2nd, 2008

Quantitative Analysis: Accepted at 36-28-36, though isotopes ranging from
25-10-20 to 60-55-60 have been identified
Occurance: Found wherever man is, but seldom in the highly reactive,
energetic singlet state. Surplus quantities in all urban areas
Physical Properties: Undergoes spontaneous dehydrolysis (weeps) at absolutely
nothing, and freezes at a moments notice. Totally
unpredictable. Melts when properly treated, very bitter
if not well used. Found in various states, ranging from
virgin metal to common ore. Non-magnetic but attracted
by coins & sports cars. In its natural shape the
specimen varys considerably, but it is often changed
artificially so well that the change is indiscernable
except to the experienced eye.
Chemical Properties: Has a great affinity for AU, AG, & C, especially in the
crystalline form. May give violent reaction if left
alone. Will absorb great amounts of food matter. Highly
desired reaction is initiated with various reagents such
as C(2)-H(5)-OH & sexy aftershave. An essential catalyst
is often required (must say that you love her at least 5
times daily). Reaction accelerates out of control when
in dark & all reaction conditions are suitable.
Extremely difficult to react if in the highly stable
pure form. Yields to pressure applied to correct points.
The reaction is highly exothermic.
Storage: Best results are obtained between the ages of 18 & 25 years.
Uses: Highly ornamental. Uses as a tonic for low spirits. Used on lonely
nights as a heating agent (if properly prepared).
Tests: Pure specimens turn rosey tint if discovered in raw, natural state.
Turns green if placed beside a better specimen.
Caution: Most powerful reducing agent known to man (income & ego). Highly
explosive in inexperienced hands. Specimen must be used with great
care if experiments are to succeed. It is illegal to possess more
than one permanent specimen, though a certain amount of exchange is
permitted.

——————

Banana Loaf
———–

2 laughing eyes
2 bowing arms
2 well-shaped legs
2 firm milk containers
1 fur-lined mixing bowl
1 banana

Look into laughing eyes, spread well-shaped legs and slowly squeeze and
massage milk containers gently until mixing bowl is well greased. Check
frequently with middle finger. Add banana and gently work in and out until
creamed. Cover with nuts and garnish with a sigh of relief. Bread is
done when banana is soft. Be sure to wash mixing utensils and do not lick
the bowl.

WARNING: If bread rises, LEAVE TOWN !!!!!!!!

——————–

What do you call a woman who has lost her mind?
A widow.

Why do women have tits?
So men will talk to them.

Why do women have periods?
Because they deserve them.

Why is a woman better than a sheep?
Sheep can’t cook.

Why does a woman have one more brain cell than a cow?
so she doesn’t shit on the floor when she does the dishes.

What is the definition of “Male Chauvinist Pig?”
A man who hates every bone in a woman’s body–except his own.

——————–

Joe: I got a problem.
Ed: What’s the matter?
Joe: Women. I just don’t understand them.
Ed: Do you understand your TV?
Joe: No.
Ed: So what’s the problem?!

——————–

And a little story:
Guy and girl in back of van going at it… Girl says “put a finger in me”
So he does. Then she says “put another finger in me” and he does.
“Put ANOTHER finger in me” and again he does. “Put your whole HAND in me”
and he does… “Put your other hand in me” and again he obeys.
“Now clap” At this point he replies “I can’t!”
“Tight huh?”

——————–

How many radical feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Three: One to change it,
One to support her by holding the ladder,
One to write an indignant essay condemning the use of the
word “screw”.

——————–

A woman pulls over at the gas station, gets out of her car, opens the hood,
and checks the engine oil. After a few seconds of intelligent thinking,
she takes a dipstick in her hand and, raising her chest high, walks up to
the attendant:
“Excuse me sir, but can I buy a longer dipstick?”
“May I ask why you need a longer one ma’am?”
“Because this one isn’t long enough to reach the oil!!”

——————–

Why do women have wrinkles at the corners of their eyes?
Because they learned early in life to squint their
eyes when they say “SUCK WHAT????”

How are women like clams?
You don’t eat them when the red tide comes in.

Definition of entrapment
A snatch with a catch.

—————————————–

I read the other day that the SAT tests are allegedly biased toward white
males and against females and minorities. This is horse crap of the highest
order! As irrefutable evidence, I cite the fact that 2.7 million women
scored higher on the SAT’s than I did the year I took them.

However, in fairness to the ladies, I do remember a question in the math
section that was slightly biased. It was something like this:

Two men and a 135 pound woman are in a pool hall. Man A buys the woman two
pitchers of beer, and man B buys the woman three pitchers of beer. Which man
gets laid?

A. Man A
B. Man B
C. Neither. A 135 pound woman will be dead after 5 pitchers of beer.
D. Both.

Correct answer: B

—————————————–

THINGS YOU CAN SAY TO YOUR WENCH
…End of the part3. To be continued..

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The Swimming Pool

Tuesday, October 28th, 2008

My favorite sexual fantasy is to have two very large
well hung studs take my hot sexy body and do what they want
with it. Hm……let’s see …….. I’m lounging around the
pool in my back yard, the hot sun beating down on my tanned
and oiled body. The heat makes my slit wet and juicy and sweat
trickles down between my thighs.

Suddenly and abruptly, I feel a hand being placed on my
shoulder and look up in surprise to see two handsome
men in jeans and tee-shirts standing there. One of them says
he didn’t mean to disturb me, but they knocked on the front
door and there was no answer, so they thought they might
as well try to look around in the back to see if anyone were home.

He explained that they were here to fix the filter in the pool
and that my husband had called them this morning from his
office. “Oh yes!”,I said, the filter is broken. Go ahead.”

From where the pool filter was located those two hunks had a
great view of me and feeling kind of horny, I thought I’d give
them a show. I undid the strap of my bikini top so that just a
little tit was showing and I pulled my bottoms tight up into my
crack. I knew they could see and that I was having an effect.

One of the guys, a blond who said his name was Pete, walked
over and asked to use the bathroom. “Right through the door and
to the left.” I said, sitting up a bit and letting my top fall
free exposing my large ripe breasts. The look on his face was
one of shock and embarrassment. “Oops!” I said, and winked at
him.

He just smiled and headed to the bathroom. While he was
gone I called the other guy over, Jeff was his name, a tall
muscular fellah with black hair. “Could you put some sun tan
lotion on my back” I asked as I rolled over onto my stomach.

“Sure!” he said. Slowly he massaged the oil all over my back and
legs. Then I turned over and asked him to do the front too, which
he did with a grin. His large firm hands began squeezing and
rubbing my tits. As he did that I reached up and unzipped his
pants revealing a thick hard ten inch cock! I sat up on the
lounge chair and slid his hot meat into my mouth. I sucked
slowly on the head of his fat dick, slipping it in and out
between my red succulent lips. By then his friend was back and
was already taking off his pants. I laid back on the lounge
chair and removed my bottoms. I spread my legs wide and the
blond guy took his big hard shaft and plunged it into my
dripping cunt.

The other guy stood over me and fucked my large aching tits
and mouth with his giant prick. The two of them pumped away
filling my mouth and pussy with their cocks. I wiggled and
moaned as they thrust in and out of me, ravishing my hot naked
body. My pussy clamped down tight on the thick tool between my
legs brought me orgasm after orgasm. I could feel the cock in
my mouth swell and I sucked faster until the guy shot a hot
creamy load of come down my throat. Then the guy fucking me blew
his wad deep in my cunt. I laid back, basted in their love
juices, and smiled.

After all of that exotic lovemaking, we all went for a cool
refreshing swim and did it again before my husband got home.

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Exercise Affair

Saturday, October 25th, 2008

Dear Santa,

I wanted to thank you for that nice exercise video you sent me. I was
really surprised to find it in my stocking…I mean…at 36 24 35…I didn’t
feel chubby! But the phone lines were down this morning, and I was bored
so I tried it out for a lark….it WAS a LARK!!!!

I got into my leotards and leg warmers and started the tape. Good
old warm-ups…yuck!!…but this tape has some damn good looking dudes
doing the exercises…and I got….”warmed up” as I watched. I even felt
a little kinky doing the pelvic rocks as I watched their pelvises tilt
provacatively towards my own. My gaze remained riveted on their pelvises
as Jane began the arerobics. Through their stretchie suits I could barely
make the outline of a certain muscle that I thought could use some exercise.
…damn…better get back to work! 1-2-3-4 arms front…arms back…arch
out that chest…push it out! …well Jane…I’m thrusting my chest out
as arched as I can…can’t you see those taut nipples pointing at those
hairy chests beside you?!!!?? I’ld like to lick their nipples each
time they arch them towards me!

But its a little warm in all this…I’m sliding off the leg warmers
and unbuttoning my leotard. The background music is nice…reminds me of
this time I was with this guy in his car…well, never mind.
1-2-3-4 better follow the steps turn right 3-4…oh…lordy…look at HIM!
There is this gorgeous hunk of man working on my phone lines…well…
actually it seems he’s more interested in playing peeping Tom! And
he didn’t catch me looking…I think I’ll have a little fun with him!!
Besides…these dudes on the tape have been totally ingnoring me!
Instead of moving my arms around in circles..I’ll let my hands circle
my breasts as I rock my chest back and forth in time to the music…
oh, yes…he’s still watching! I wonder if he’ll notice me licking my
lips…mmmmmmm….

Ah…back to the pelvic rock again…guess I’ll point mine towards the
window as I pretend to keep watching the screen. My hands start on my
hips but move toward my thighs with each rock…my hands are just reaching
under the leotard as Jane swithches to floor exercises. I’m really putting
on a show now as I unbutton all my buttons and caress my breasts thru my
bra…yeah…this’ll make him HOT!!! Now my hands are roaming up and
down my thighs and I too have gotten very HOT…my breathing has changed
and I no longer want to tease…I want that man…NO ..I NEED HIM…NOW!!
I look at him and our eyes lock this time and he smiles wolfishly.
I beckon with my finger but he just smiles at me…and rakes his eyes
over my wanton body. Now HE pretends he’s working…but he’s still
peeking!!!

Two can play this game! I closed the curtains and waited…hoping.
The door bell rang! “can I have a drink of water” “Please do cum in”
I gave him his water then turned to open the door to let him out. HE
grabbed me then and said he wanted to do a few exercises with me. He
had the strongest tannest arms and I wanted him…so I took him into
the exercise room and started on warm-ups. I exercised my tongue on
his lips and his salty, musky neck. He quickly joined me in these
routines..as we deviated quickly from Jane’s routines. His strong
and gentle hands began to explore my hungry body…my nipples arched
longinly for his touch…I moaned when he found them. He caressed
them with his hands…then explored them with his tongue, sending
shivers throughout my body…when he took each nipple in his mouth
and sucked it was too much. I became so hot and so dizzy, I begged
him to stop. Instead he continued to suck while his fingers drifted
down and under my leotard. He felt around for my clit as I greedily
guided my clit to his lovin fingers. I needed it then. Sucking
and stroking he took me higher and higher..no chance for a breath
my clit hot and swollen soon exploded its passion climaxing for
what seemed forever!! Damn it was good! Thank You Mister!!!

I asked if there was anything I could do to repay him…and of
course he was ready with an answer. He took off his jeans and stood
over me. He was ready! Through the bottoms of his red Boxers I
saw his gleaming hardness. I got up on my knees for a better look
and pulled the boxers down to expose his want. I quickly gave him
a “blow job” breathing lightly over the lenghth of his shaft. He
responded by moving his dick closer to my mouth…”suck me…please”
I kissed the tip then wrapped my tongue aroungd his head…as he
began to moan. I continued feathering his shaft with my tongue
as I felt his need increase. He begged me to take it all in and
I relented. He was so hot he began to thrust into my mouth… I put
an end to that. I held his hips steady as I slowly sucked his weapon
deep into my throat, sliding it out, sucking it deep. When I was ready
I increased the tempo. He soon spurted with joy.

AS he rested himself I finished undressing and demanded equal
time! He laughed and said we should be even already but that as he
was in a very generous mood I should prepare myself. But I wasn’t
prepared for such an onslought! He started with my lips and ears
and my neck…teased my nipples and then totally mastered me with
his attentions to my clit. He used his fingers, his toes, his teeth
and his tongue…and what a tongue…he had me so high I never knew
if I was cuming or going…I know I did a lot of cuming…Then he
gave me a very wet sloppy kiss and entered me with his hard cock.
I wouldn’t have thought that I had any energy left to respond.
But after a few deep thrust, an answering need grew in me. My walls
responded trying to capture his higness as he drew back after each
new thrust. He positioned himself so that the thrust was greatest
near my clit. Each time he thrust a surge of shivers raked my body…
I was climbing higher and higher again nearing the places he had
already driven me. He had total control and held himself back till
he felt me climax…then he spent himself with 3 great deep strokes
and we lay spent in each others arms.

I must admit, it WAS a GREAT workout!!! Eat your heart out, Jane!!!

Love,
Sadie.

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Humourfemaletxt part5

Friday, October 17th, 2008

weasels, OK?”
Also known as: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova, Monster
Advantages: Perpetually aroused
Disadvantages: Perpetually aroused

The Dreamer – “Someday I’m going to be rich and famous. I don’t know how,
but–”
Also known as: Struggling artist, Philosopher, Buffoon, Bag of Wind, Fool
Advantages: Tells good stories
Disadvantages: Will turn into “Old Man Grumpus”

Mr. Right – “While the servants wash the dishes, let’s make love like
crazed weasels in my new yacht, ok?”
Also known as: Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy
Advantages: Answer to a woman’s prayer
Disadvantages: Hunted to extinction

The 9 Types of Girlfriends

Ms. Nice Guy – “Tickets to the boxing match? Oh Darling, you shouldn’t
have”
Also known as: What a gal, precious, one of the boys, my main squeeze,
doormat
Advantages: Cheerful, agreeable, kindly
Disadvantages: May wise up someday

Old Yeller – “You G-D spineless good-for-nothing drag-ass no-talent son of
a bitch! Can’t you see you’re making me miserable??”
Also known as: She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog from
Hell
Advantages: Pays attention to you
Disadvantages: Screeches, throws frying pans

Sickly – “Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps. My cellulite”
Also known as: Whiner, Mewler, Glumpy
Advantages: Predictable
Disadvantages: Contagious

The Bosser – “Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a haircut.
Change your job. Make some money. Don’t give me that look.”
Also known as: Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms. Know-it-all, Ball and Chain, yes
Mom
Advantages: Often right
Disadvantages: Often right, but so what?

Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied – “I just can’t decide. Should I switch my
career, goals, home, and hair color?”
Also known as: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw c’mon Honey
Advantages: Easily soothed
Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed

Wild Woman out of Control – “I’ve got an idea. Lez get drunk an’ make love
onna front lawn. I done it before. S’fun.”
Also known as: Fast girl, freewheeler, goodtime charleena, passed out
Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys
Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs

Huffy – “I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering
at”
Also known as: No fun, humorless prig, Cold fish, Chilly proposition,
iceberg, Snarly
Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you
Disadvantages: You will have no friends

Woman from Mars – “I believe this interpretive dance will explain how I
feel about our relationship”
Also known as: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News,
Artistic
Advantages: Entertaining, unfathomable
Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud

Ms. Dreamgirl – “I am utterly content with you just the way you are, my
handsome genius of a boyfriend. I think we must make love like crazed
weasels now”
Also known as: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous
Advantages: Funny, intelligent uninhibited
Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you

——————————————————–

Dear ________________,

This letter was started by a woman much like yourself
in the hopes of bringing relief to other tired and dis-
contented women. Unlike most chain letters, this one does
not cost anything. Just send a copy of this letter to five
of your friends who are equally tired and discontent. Then,
bundle up your husband, boyfriend or boss, and send him to
the woman whose name appears at the top of this list and
add your name to the bottom of the list.

When your name comes to the top of the list you will
receive 16,877 men and one of them is bound to be better
than the one you already had!

DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN……HAVE FAITH!!!

One woman broke the chain and got her own S.O.B back. At
this writing a friend of mine had already received 184 men;
they buried her yesterday, but it took three undertakers 36
hours to get the smile off her face, an two days to get her
legs together so they could close the coffin.

YOU MUST HAVE FAITH……

Sincerely,

A Liberated Woman

——————————————————–

THE SINGLE GIRL’s CHRISTMAS PRAYER

This Christmas may I have
at least one really nice date.

May his car have clean seats
and glass in all the windows

May he not be more than
three hours late

May his left eye match
the one on the right

May he have all his front teeth
and not be high a a kite

May he have all his hormones
under control

May he wear clean underpants
without any holes

May his whiskers not burn
and make my face blotch

May he think with his brain
and not with his crotch

And, Lord, if I might ask
for just one thing more…

May he have good aim in my bathroom
and not pee on my clean floor

——————————————————–

Duke University Medical Center is reporting an unusual occurrance in the
Obstetrics Department: a child was born with both male and female organs.

A penis and a brain.

——————-

What’s the definition of the ideal man?

One with a twelve-inch tongue and a broom-handle through his ears.

——————-

PENDLETON, Ind. (AP) — Officials are considering changing the name of
Pendleton Middle School or at least removing its initials from
athletic uniforms to avoid embarrassment for its girls’ teams.

——————-

The destruction of the Berlin wall marked history’s first feminine
revolution: There had been no violence and when it ended everybody went
shopping.

——————-

Q. What do you call a woman who has PMS and ESP?

A. A bitch who thinks she knows it all.

——————-

I hope that the packaging for the new Stayfree Maxipads with baking
soda includes a warning about the potential side effects of wearing
a baking soda laced feminine napkin after using a vinegar and water
douche.

——————-

DAVID’S TRUTHS ABOUT WOMEN

In this world, there are two sets of women: women that you would love to be
with, and women that would love to be with you. THERE IS NO UNION OF THESE
TWO SETS.

Any woman that you become extremely attracted to will tell you that you are
the best friend that a woman could ever have.

Being told that you are nice is:
the equivalent to her saying, “I wish that you were my brother.”
a curse.
her way of saying that “I hope we can just be friends.

A Slut is a woman that will sleep with anyone. A Bitch is a woman that will
sleep with anyone but you. All women are Bitches.

Only beautiful women who are engaged or engaged to be engaged or married or
your mother’s best friend will think that you are a wonderful person that any
woman would die for.

These same women will be completely dumbfounded at the revelation that you
don’t go out with a hundred women a week. Much less one.

When a woman says “No!” she really means “Yes!” — except, of course, when she
means “NO!”

Unless you make over a million dollars a year, you must completely ignore and
demean a woman to gain her affection. If you completely disregard her
existence, she’ll die for you.

The degree of subtlety used by a woman is inversely proportional to how
attracted you are to her. If you are absolutely in love with everything about
her, her hints will amount to, “I really like your roommates new shoes.” If
you have no attraction to her what-so-ever, she will ask you to come spend a
week with her in the Bahamas.

A woman will confide in you that she slept with your best friend and that he
treated her like dirt afterwards. She will go on-and-on for hours, until she
builds up enough nerve to ask him out again.

Every woman that you meet that you are instantly attracted to will be:
Married,
heavily dating the same guy for the 3rd year,
a lesbian
my brother’s ex-girlfriend.

A “Taken” woman will tell you that you are a great-looking guy, but that looks
don’t matter anyway and that she’d go out with you if she wasn’t already
dating someone.

“Taken” women are the only women capable of understanding your wonderful sense
of humor, you amazing musical talent, your tremendous sensitivity, and
gracious generosity.

A Woman will talk to you about a certain guy that they think is a real jerk,
wondering what any Woman would see in him, and then ask you to set them up.

Women will absolutely drive you crazy and seemingly make no sense.

Women will confuse you and make you distraught.

Women are the most wonderful things in the entire world. They are the most
precious element that the world could ever know. Everything from the way
they look to the way they talk to the way the move, walk, sigh, gesture,
dance, smile, laugh, cuddle, squeeze, tease, hug, caress, smell, taste — is
fantastic.

–

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Humourfemaletxt part2

Tuesday, October 14th, 2008

How do you tell if a woman is wearing underwear?
Look for the dandruff on her shoes.

Why do women have 2 holes so close together?
In case you miss.

Why do women have 2 holes so close together?
So you can carry them home like a six-pack.

What do you call a female clone?
A clunt.

Why did the guy trade in his wife for an outhouse?
Because the hole was smaller and the smell was better.

Why is there a string on the end of a tampon?
So you can floss after you eat.

How does a girl hold her liquor?
By the ears!

How is a woman like a frying pan?
You have to get them hot before you put in the meat.

How is a woman like an airplane?
Both have cockpits.

How is a woman like a road?
Both have manholes.

Which of the group doesn’t belong (eggs,wife,meat,blowjob)?
A blowjob because you can beat the others but you can’t beat a blowjob

Ladies, look down inside your shirts and spell the word attic out loud.

Three mysteries of women:
1. They can give milk without eating grass.
2. They can bleed for a week every month without dying.
3. (My favorite). They can bury a bone without getting their
noses dirty.

What does a woman do to her asshole in the morning?
Sends him to work.

Your wife’s just like a rifle: First she gets cocked and then she blows.

Your wife’s just like a bowling ball: She gets picked up, fingered, thrown
in the gutter, and always comes back for more!

How many male Chauvinists does it take to clean a toilet ?????
None ! Thats womans work.

What two things in the air might get a woman pregnant?
Her feet!

If God didn’t want man to eat pussy, He wouldn’t have made it look
so much like a TACO!

What do you call a hooker with a runny nose?
FULL!!

How can you tell if you’ve been fucking your girl too much?
A: Stick your thumb in her asshole and your middle finger up her snatch,
If you can hear yourself snap your fingers, ease off a little.

How does a women get a mink coat ?
The same way mink gets a mink.

What do the two million battered wives in America all have in common?
They don’t know when the hell to shut up.

———-

A woman goes to the gynecologist with a terrible case of
crotch rot. The doctor takes one whiff & almost passes out.
“My dear,” says the Doc, “this is serious! What you need is Mega Douche!”
“Mega Douche?” says the woman, “What’s that?”
“It’s my own formula! It contains marijuana, talcum powder
& Kentucky fried chicken.”
“Why marijuana, talcum powder & fried chicken?”
“Because you wanna keep that thing high & dry & finger lickin good!”

———–

Three men were sitting on a beach; a fairly good-looking blonde walks by.
The first man says, “I give her a six”; the second, “I give her a 7″; the
third says, “She is a 1.” The other two look at him and wonder. Another
woman walks by. The first man says, “She is an 8″; the second says, “I give
her an 8+”; the third says, “She is a three.” Again the first two men wonder
about him. Then an extremely fine-looking redhead approaches. The first man
says, “She is a 10!” The second man says, “She is an 11!!” The third guy
says, “She is a six.” The other two finally look at him and say, “What is the
matter with you, man?? That redhead is perfect!! Are you weird or
something??”
“Wait a minute–you don’t understand; I use the Budweiser scale.”
“What the hell is that?”
“That’s how many clydesdales it would take to pull her off my face.”

———————————-

How A Pussy Was Made
====================

Seven Wise Men made up their minds
to build then a Pussy of their own Design.

The First was a Carpenter, full of wit,
with a Hammer and Chisel, He made the Slit.

The Second, a Blacksmith, black as coal,
with an Anvil and Sledge, He made the Hole.

The Third, a Rich Tailor, tall and thin,
with a peice of Red Ribbon, He lined it within.

The Fourth, a Furrier, big and stout,
with the Skin of a Bear, He lined it without.

The Fifth, a Fisherman, old and bent,
with a Rotten Herring, He gave it a Scent.

The Sixth, a Preacher, with a B.A. degree,
Patted it, and Felt it, and said it would Pee.

The Seventh, a Rabbi, a Mean Little Runt,
Blessed it, and F*cked it, and called it a C*nt.

—————-

This young rich man was looking for a wife, and had narrowed
his choices down to 3 women. He couldn’t make up his mind on which
one he should marry, so he tested them. He gave each women $5,000
to see what they would spend it on. The first woman went out, bought
furs and jewels, and blew all the money on herself. The second woman
put half of it in the bank, and spent the rest of it on herself. The
third woman bought herself a dress, and many, many gifts for the young
man.
Given these facts, which woman do you think the young man
married?

answer: The woman with the biggest tits, of course!

——————

Chemical Analysis

Element : Woman
Symbol : WO
Discoverer : Adam
…End of the part2. To be continued..

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Humourfemaletxt

Monday, October 13th, 2008

Archive-author:
Archive-title: Female Jokes

First Woman: “This is very embarrassing, but every time I sneeze, I
have an orgasm.”
Second Woman: “You poor dear! Are you taking anything for that?”
First Woman: “Snuff.”

————

What’s the definition of the perfect woman?
1) She’s three feet tall, has a round hole for a mouth
and her head is flat so you can put cocktails on it.
2) The sports model has pull-back ears and her teeth fold in.
3) The economy model – she fucks all night and at midnight
she turns into a roast beef sandwich and a six pack.

————

Three old ladies were sitting on a park bench when a flasher walked up
to them and displayed his endowments. The first old lady had a stroke,
the second old lady had a stroke, but the third old lady’s arms were too
short to reach.

————

This guy walks into a bar, walks up to the bartender and
says, “I’d like a scotch and soda and I’d like to buy that
douche bag at the end of the bar a drink.” The bartender
says, “Hey, she’s a regular and you can’t be talking about
her that way.” The guy says, “Okay, I’d like to buy that
nice, young lady at the end of the bar a drink.” The
bartender says, “That’s more like it,” and he walks up to
the girl and asks her what she wants to drink. She says,
“Vinegar and water.”

————

A man meets up with an old roomate whom he has not seen for many years.
The roomate has had a sex-change operation. “Was it painful?”, asks the former.
“No, not really” says the second. “How about when they cut off your dick?”
“No that really wasn’t the worst of it.” “Really?” says the first. “How
about when they had to create the new hole? That must have been painful.”
“No the worst part was when they stuck the straw in my ear and sucked out half
my brains.”

————–

Why did God give women nipples?
To make suckers out of men.

Why did the Detroit Lions hire two nuns and a prostiture for the new season?
Because they needed two tight ends and a wide receiver.

Why are clams like women?
When the red tide comes, you don’t eat them.

How does a man know when he’s eaten pussy well?
When he wakes up in the morning and his face looks like a
glazed doughnut.

Did you hear about the new video game for women only, called Dick-Man?
You put a quarter in and get fucked.

I’ve got a joke so funny it’ll make your breast fall off:
Oh…I see you’ve already heard it.

What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
A cherry float.

What do you do when your Kotex catches fire?
Throw it on the floor and tampon it.

What’s 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1?
Bo Derek getting older.

Did you hear about the new douche powder made of alum, LSD, and Kentucky
Fried Chicken batter?
It’s uptight, outasight, and finger-lickin’ good.

What’s the difference between a light bulb and a pregnant woman?
You can unscrew a light bulb.

What do fat girls and mopeds have in common?
They’re both fun to ride until a friend see you.

Why are women giving up bowling for screwing?
The balls are lighter and you don’t have to change your shoes.

What’s the difference between a job and a wife?
After five years, the job still sucks.

How do you make paper dolls?
Screw an old bag.

What’s the white stuff you find in women’s panties?
Clitty litter.

Bumber sticker: Support E.R.A. – make him sleep on the wet spot.

What do you call a rehabilitation home for ex-prostitutes?
An all-the-way house.

Definition of a wife: “An attachment you screw on the bed to get the
housework done.”

How are an oven and a woman alike?
You have to get them both hot before you can stick the meat in.

Remember what’s worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper? (Getting
fingered by Captain Hook.) Well, you know what’s worse than that?
Getting eaten out by Jaws.

What’s the purpose of a bellybutton?
To put your gum in on the way down.

Why was the stamp commemorating prostitution so unpopular?
You had to pay an extra ten cents to lick it.

What’s the difference between a hormone and an enzyme?
You can’t hear an enzyme.

How do you make a hormone?
Put sand in the Vaseline.

What’s a cunt that talks back?
An answering cervix.

What do you give an eighty-year-old woman for her birthday?
Mikey … He’ll eat anything.

What do you call a woman who uses too much contraceptive cream?
A spermicidal maniac.

Why do women have legs?
So they don’t leave snail tracks on linoleum floors.

What do you call a hooker with no legs?
A nightcrawler.

What do you call a girl who’s just been run over by a car?
Patty.

Why do female parachutists always wear pantyhose?
So they won’t whistle.

How do you tell when a woman is wearing pantyhose?
If she farts, her ankles will swell.
…End of the part1. To be continued..

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Australia Sex Adventure

Monday, August 18th, 2008

This is my first posting…I have more to share in the future
if you like this, but must post anonymously, since I am a senior
manager at a Fortune 100 company and knowledge about my extra-
curricular activities would cause the end of my career.

It was hot and steamy as we arrived at the airport in Bris-
bane for the long journey home to Boston. This was the end of a
month-long campervan vacation in Australia, and I, for one, was
overjoyed to be heading back to some normalcy. For an entire
month my wife Anne (I call her “the queen”) had avoided sex in
the campervan, or anywhere else for that matter, since “the
children are nearby.” – The irony of her way of thinking will be
evident shortly.
Actually, she is not very interested in sex anytime, since
she was taught by her mother that sex was “dirty.” The only time
she ever saw her parents making love, they were fully clothed
(hike up the skirt, dear – I’ll just quickly unzip.) Sometimes I
wonder how we ever ended up with three children; one is grown and
on her own, the two boys (Ralph, 17 and Trevor, 14) were with us
on holiday. Because I travel regularly, I have opportunity for
other sexual outlets during the year, but four plus weeks within
close quarters with a demanding uptight woman does not give you
much opportunity to develop alternatives.
I had some first class upgrade coupons, but at check-in time
was told there was only one seat available. Anne immediately
volunteered because of her “potential for a bad back,” and was
seated in 3A. The boys and I were given 21K/L and 22L. This was
aisle and window seating in the 2-5-2 configuration, and the last
two rows in the second section. I took the single seat, and let
Ralph and Trevor sit together for the first ten-hour segment of
the flight.
An attractive woman dressed in a loose sweater and very tight
blue jeans took the seat next to me. I could see that Ralph was
uncomfortable and maybe even a little jealous, since he kept
turning around to talk to me, but she was too old (29) to be
interested in him. She introduced herself as Christine, “You can
call me Chrissy.” She was about five foot eight, light brown
(almost blond) long hair, a nice ass – firm and high, breasts
with an impact even through her shapeless sweater, and obviously
in good physical condition.
Chrissy was headed for Miami to pick up her belongings from a
recent divorce; she and her husband had been working together on
private yachts for eight years, and he had developed a cocaine
habit. When he would not seek help to end his drug addiction,
and more immediately after a close call with customs in Australia
last year, she decided then and there to split from him, filed
for divorce, stayed in Brisbane, and had just been notified the
divorce was final. In the meantime, she had met another guy she
wanted to stay with, and was going to Miami to settle up the
property and return to her new lover. This I discovered during
dinner conversation and over a few shared glasses of wine.
Looking into my eyes, she confided she was “now free and ready
for some excitement.”
The movie started, the flight attendants went around the
cabin to lower all the shades, and Chrissy said, “I’d rather
talk, if it’s OK with you; this movie is terrible.” I had also
seen the movie and agreed. We spent the next two hours getting
to know each other better. Chrissy at one point said, “You have
terrific eyes, I get really turned on by eyes.” We talked about
the kids, and when she asked if I was married and learned about
Anne in the front cabin, she thought it displayed selfish behav-
ior and then never mentioned my marital status again.
By now, the boys had fallen asleep, and just before the end
of the movie, Chrissy excused herself for a few minutes, reached
into the overhead bin for her carry-on (stretched long enough to
get my mind focused on her hips and legs in those wonderful tight
jeans,) and headed to the lavatory in the back. When she re-
turned, she was wearing loose-fitting sweatpants, and when she
asked if I minded if she lifted the arm dividing the seats, I
replied “Of course not!” By now I had an idea of what she had in
mind, because she had confided during the movie that one of her
greatest turn-ons was the risk of discovery while having sex.
“My husband was not a great lover, but in the close confines of
the boat it was always exciting to fuck without anyone nearby
knowing about it; I had more orgasms from fucking near other
people than from the sex act itself.” As she shared this with
me, she was already visibly breathing more quickly.
Chrissy and I arranged the blankets over both of us, now no
longer separated, and curled up like spoons in the otherwise
crowded seats. I started to give her a back rub, slowly working
over her muscles by now cramped from the first five hours of the
flight. She purred quietly, and after a while squirmed her
shapely ass on the seat, pushing it back into my
growing erection. With both hands I reached around under her
loose sweater, and fondled her globes, her nipples growing firmer
under my gentle stroking.
Chrissy reached back and with one hand released my belt, then
unbuckled and unbuttoned my pants. I whispered in her ear, “How
do you do that? I can’t even do that with one hand, and they’re
my pants.”
She laughed, and said, “Years of practice; don’t worry, it
gets better.” My hard-on sprang out of my tight bikini briefs as
she pulled the waistband forward, and she whispered, “I’m glad
you’re not wearing boxer shorts, I can’t stand them.”
Chrissy began to stroke my cock, now slightly oozing with its
own lubrication. She used the pre-come to help rotate her fin-
gers gently around the head, stroking it with ever firmer pres-
sure. I withdrew my hands from under her sweater to push my
pants down further, allowing me to slip the briefs down below my
swollen balls, which she now explored with her questing hand.
Lubricating her fingers even more with her saliva, she alternate-
ly rubbed my balls and massaged the head of my dick.
My hands were now free, and I hungrily reached forward for
her erect nipples, shortly afterward sliding my right hand down
her belly and slipping it under the waistband of her sweatpants.
She was wearing no panties underneath, and the inside of the
cotton sweats was already wet with her juices. As I stroked her
mound, her lubrication welcomed my fingers into her warm wet
cunt. Rubbing the juices on my fingers, I began to circle her
clitoris and then used my fingers to stroke in and out of her
pussy while my thumb pushed against her swollen clit. She was
breathing harder now, and could not stop moving her ass around on
the seat, first bucking her soaking cunt against my right hand,
then pushing her ass back against my cock through the sweatpants.
Just then, the stewardess came down the aisle, paused notice-
ably as she came up to our row, glared at me (me? why me? there
are two of us here, you know!), almost said something, then
apparently decided that since we were bothering nobody else, she
would keep moving. Thank God! While we were both close to fully
clothed at that time, there was little chance she could do any-
thing legally disastrous, but who needs the embarrassment, or the
hassle from the kids for that matter.
As the stewardess left, Chrissy whispered. “She knows exact-
ly what we are doing, and she’s jealous! Now I want to have your
prick inside me. I’ll keep quiet, but I need you to fuck me
now.” With this, she lifted her ass off the seat and slid her
sweats down below her knees, then separated her legs slightly and
moved back so I could slide into her dripping pussy from behind.
I moved slowly in and out as she purred and pushed back onto my
cock quietly so we would not wake our neighbors.
At the same time, I reached back around to stroke her clito-
ris easily but steadily. The appearance of the stewardess had
startled me, and most of the urgency for release that had built
up from her stroking my hard-on had subsided, so it was a nice,
long, easy fuck, punctuated by her spasming in orgasm three times
before my cock pressure built up to the point of no return. I
came with the most excruciating pleasure I had felt in my life
(actually for the last month, but you know how easy it is to lose
perspective at the moment.) I felt like I unleashed at least a
pint of come into her already dripping cunt. I sighed, and
whispered’ “Chrissy, it must have been heaven that sent you to
this seat. You don’t know how much I needed that.”
She then turned around in the seat to sit normally, and
kissed me for the first time. “I needed it just as much as you
did; you’re a terrific fuck, but on top of that it’s the danger
that makes me come so much. Thanks for being here, I dreamed
that I’d be fucked silly on this trip. As we kissed, I told her
about my favorite turn-on. “What I like best is eating pussy,
but there is no room here for that. Would you like to go to the
back of the plane with me?”
“What do you mean? In the lavatory?” she asked.
“Yes. If we are reasonably cautious we can get in there
without causing an uproar,” I replied.
“I’ve never done that before,” Chrissy explained.
“There’s a first time for everything,” I said, and moved to
pull up my pants and buckle my belt. She thought about it for a
minute, and then said, “why not, let’s try it!” She drew up the
sweatpants and tied the drawstring (I hadn’t noticed there was
one before – must not have been tied.) Then she got up and
headed for the back of the plane, with me following directly
behind.
She entered the first lavatory, which was vacant (good thing
the flight was long, and everybody was still asleep.) I slipped
right in behind her before the flight attendants noticed we were
even there. As I closed the door, she turned and we started to
kiss passionately. She broke for a quick query, “how do you do
anything in this little space?” As I untied the drawstring on
her sweatpants, I said, “Just lift up and sit on the sink, and
let me taste your cunt.”
Chrissy lifted, spread her legs, and I could see her cunt
lips were still swollen from her last orgasm. I gently tongued
her outer lips, occasionally swiveling my head to nip the insides
of her thighs, but always returning to circle her clit, and as it
swelled up, suck on it gently. There was no end to the wetness;
her own lubrication, supplemented by the enormous load of come I
had left in her pussy, dripped down both sides of my chin onto
the stainless steel sink surface and trailed down her thighs.
After tonguing her into a few more orgasms, I realized how
hard I was getting again, and finally stood up, sliding her ass
slightly off the surface, and drove my cock into her again while
we exchanged extremely wet but tasty kisses, flavored by both of
our juices. Such a short time after the last fuck, and she was
sooo wet; this time it lasted at least twenty minutes, both of us
sighing and savoring the overwhelming sensations coursing through
our bodies. Finally, after a slow buildup that I never wanted to
end, I came again, not as much this time, but she sensed it and
started bucking hard just at the same moment. The pleasure was
so intense it was almost painful.
The light came on to return to the cabin, and after a few
minutes we were able to adjust ourselves to some degree of
presentability to return to our seats. Just as we opened the
door, the same stewardess was looking right into my eyes. She
said angrily, “Please return to your seats and stay there. We
have some turbulence and the captain has turned on the seat
belt sign.” I couldn’t help but think that maybe we were the
cause of the turbulence, but then that’s just my imagination
running away with me again.
As we settled in to the seats, Chrissy pushed the seat divid-
er down, saying, “I think everyone is waking up, let’s not embar-
rass your boys.” The breakfast service was beginning, the cabin
lights were turned on, and we were again two strangers who hap-
pened to be sitting next to each other on the plane. The secret
of our mile-high lovemaking was secure.
We exchanged addresses, but with her in Brisbane and me in
Boston it’s not likely we’ll ever meet again. Both of us prom-
ised to use caution in contacting each other should the opportu-
nity arise, so our current SO would not be disturbed, but also
promised to get together if possible again.
I said goodbye to Chrissy at the seat, and went forward with
the unsuspecting boys to deplane.
As we got to the end of the ramp in the terminal, I asked
Anne, “How was your flight?”
“Great,” she replied, “one of the most relaxing ever.”
“Me too!”

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Humourapplictxt

Sunday, August 17th, 2008

Archive-author:
Archive-title: Applicators

A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his local doctor and asks
him what he can do. The doctor replies that the illness is quite
serious but can be cured with a small course of two suppos- itories
inserted deep up the back passage. The man agrees, and so the doctor
warns him of the pain, tells him to bend over, and shoves the thing way
up his behind. The doctor then hands him the second dose and tells him
to do the same thing in six hours time using rubber gloves and KY-Jelly
or something.

So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second
suppository inserted, but he finds he cannot reach himself properly to
obtain the required depth. Thus, he calls his wife over and tells her
what to do. The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him
and with the other shoves the medicine home. Suddenly the man screams
in disgust. “What’s the matter?” asked his wife. “Did I hurt you?”

“No,” replies the man, “but I just realized that when the doctor did
that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulders.”

–

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Tempting Mom gets her movies

Thursday, July 3rd, 2008

This sex doctor uses his dick to give them just what the doctor ordered.

hairy old snatch sample vids 10
Brunette mom spreads her hairy bush to get her wet pussy licked and penetrated
Just visit this gallery and watch free samples of this site

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