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During the daytime the streets were like that of a ghost town, as
everybody remained inside with shades closed to beat the heat.
Air-conditioners became the number one most stolen item in the city,
beating out televisions by a wide margin. It made sense of a sort, after
all, you don’t even need to get inside the house to steal one. Many a
homeowner returned from work in the evening to find a large hole in the
wall where the family’s most cherished appliance once rested and
subsequently broke down in tears. However, the chief of police had a sudden
brainstorm that guaranteed a quick end to this new and despicable crime
wave. He promptly instructed all four hospitals in the Willyville area to
inform the police of any emergency room cases involving hernias or slipped
discs. When the anxious media questoned the chief of police on this new
tactic, he simply replied that the results so far were “interesting”.

In other news, weather forcaster Bob Katt had been suspended for
appearing on his show wearing boxer shorts, a tie, and nothing else. It
seems the building’s air-conditioning system had been stolen the previous
night (an impressive feat in itself, considering that the compressor alone
weighed half a ton) and Bob had refused to work in a suit in the stifling
heat. So he had walked into the studio, dressed only in his skivvies, and
up in front of the camera before any of the stunned studio crew could even
think of stopping him. Of course, it would have been very bad form to yank
him off the camera, so they simply let him do his broadcast. Once he was
finished he was greeted by a purple faced station manager. Despite the
indian pressure groups, Bob was still very popular in Willyville, so he was
not fired on the spot.

Instead, the station manager sent him on a long overdue vacation…

Saturday dawned bright, clear, and warm (surprise, surprise!). Harold
was up with the sun, mostly because he hadn’t slept at all the previous
night. His stomach was a tight little knot and his heart would not stop
pounding. He was having second thoughts about the party. Harold Sykes had
never been a party animal, and recent… events… had convinced him that
he would be very wise to stay away from certain segments of the human race
(read: female) for a long time to come. In fact, now that he thought about
it, he was rather frightened of them. After all, if he couldn’t keep Cindi
happy, would he be able to keep any woman happy? And there would be lots of
girls there, probably all laughing at him. Why go?

Then he thought about his depression of the last couple weeks. Tom had
a point: right or wrong, he had to do something.

Tom came by at 2:30 and picked Harold up. As they drove over to
Squirrel Heights, Tom did most of the talking. Harold had lapsed into a
moody silence, soaking up Tom’s words and saying almost something in
return. If Tom noticed, he didn’t show it as he kept up a steady monologue
all the way to the house.

The Squirrel Heights Boarding house was a dumpy three story affair
sitting in front of about two acres of worn out farmland. The place was run
by an aging ex-stockbroker named Michael Wilburn, who believed in free
expression of everything and threw wild parties as often as the house’s
budget would allow. Some of the parties were solely for the house’s
inhabitants, but most of them were for whoever wanted to come. Booze and
most kinds of drugs generally circulated freely, and Harold had heard
rumors even more outrageous than that. All in all, it was pretty
intimidating to an introvert like Harold, and as he stepped out of Tom’s
car and looked at the peeling gray mass of the boarding house looming over
him, and the virtual sea of cars surrounding it, he knew he had made a
mistake. He as much as said so to Tom, who ignored him completely.

The affair was already in progress, as he discovered when Tom led him
around the back of the house. There must have been almost a hundred people
there, engaged in all manner of outdoor activities. People everywhere,
talking, yelling, running, horsing around, just generally having a good
time. A table had been set up by the back door, and there was somebody
serving booze and food to an endlessly regenerating queue.

Harold looked around and noticed that Tom had abandoned him and was
nowhere in sight. For an instant he almost panicked and yelled for Tom,
then his rational mind took over. What’s your problem? it said. You’re an
adult, you don’t need a keeper.

So Harold decided to walk around and see what he could see.

In one corner a net had been set up for a vollyball game. There was a
team on each side, if a pushing, laughing, staggering group of people could
be called a team. Harold stood off to one side with a small group of
spectators and watched. All of a sudden his attention had been captured by
one particular member of one team.

She wasn’t tall, maybe five seven or so, buxom, and maybe a few pounds
overweight. Which, as far as Harold was concerned, made her all the more
nicely rounded. Her hair was blonde and fell down past her shoulders. Her
face was pretty, but not spectacularly so. What had really caught Harold’s
attention was what she was wearing, or, more to the point, not wearing. She
was dressed in frayed cutoff jeans that were so tight they had split along
the sides halfway up her hips, and a string bikini top that struggled
valiantly to hold up under the weight of enormous breasts. Harold glanced
around and saw that she had the attention of pretty much every man in the
crowd.

His heart fluttered as he watched her move, and he couldn’t help but
wonder what it would be like to take her to bed. He imagined her long hair
spread out over the pillow, glimmering faintly in the moonlight, those
magnificent breasts moving in slow liquid motion as she arched her back in
sheer pleasure, her frenzied gasps as she reached a sudden and powerful
orgasm…

Harold shook his head to clear it. Get real, he told himself. Someone
like that certainly already has a boyfriend, and even if she didn’t, why
should she be interested in somebody like him? He turned around and began
to make his way back towards the house.

Sudden catcalls and whistles made him turn around again. She was
sitting on the grass, apparently having just fallen. When she landed, the
overburdened top string of her bikini had given way, exposing her for all
the world to see.

He could not help but stare. Her nipples stood out hard, the aurioles
colored light rose pink. He ached to take them in his mouth, to feel their
soft but firm weight in his hands. Then he looked up and saw she was
staring directly at him.

He locked eyes with her and suddenly his face turned beet red. Why, he
didn’t know, because surely every other male here was staring and thinking
the same thoughts. She made no move to cover herself, she just sat there,
challenging him with her gaze.

Finally, Harold turned and pushed his way through the crowd. His heart
was pounding in his ears and his balls, denied their release, ached
miserably. He still had a raging hard-on and kept his hands in his pockets
to conceal it. He felt sick, and ashamed. And he wanted to leave this
instant.

But that stare kept coming back to him. On reflection, he felt there
was more than just a challenge in her eyes. What, he didn’t know, but he
somehow knew it. It was almost as if a spark had passed between them.
Undoubtedly it was just his overworked imagination, but…

He felt as if she wanted him, too.

Day gave way to night, as days usually do, and slowly Willyville began
to cool off. People moved out of their stifling houses (except for those
who hadn’t had their air-conditioning stolen yet) and into their back
yards. They brought TV trays, TV’s, barbecues, bedrolls, and just generally
prepared to enjoy the night in relative coolness.

All over Willyville the night was alive with the sound of voices,
televisions, stereos, lustful moans and the other noises of humans enjoying
themselves outdoors. With one exception. In Squirrel Heights, all was
quiet. The place seemed deserted, in fact. Virtually all human life in the
area had gravitated to one spot. At the Squirrel Heights boarding house,
when night fell, the real party began…

Harold Sykes hadn’t left the party like he planned, although he came
awful damn close to doing so when he spotted Cindi in the crowd. But, in
the end, the thought of going back to his lonely, empty, stuffy house was
just too much. So instead he wandered around the yard, just watching the
extraordinary panorama of human activity taking place before him.

Eventually he found a peaceful spot on the back porch where he just
sat and watched the sun set. Tom came by and asked him how he was doing.

“Better.” sighed Harold, “I really feel better.”

Tom gave him a wink. “You may be feeling better than that before the
night’s over, old buddy.” and sauntered off before Harold could say
anything.

Now what was that supposed to mean?

As it got dark, the party outside thinned out. A few left, spinning
their wheels in the gravel lot out front, but most just went inside the
house. Probably gonna booze it up good, Harold thought, Although it looked
to him like they had been boozing more than adequetely already. Harold
didn’t feel like drinking very much, especially after his binge the other
day. Drugs didn’t hold much of an attraction for him, either. Just sitting
there, alone with his thoughts, seemed to do quite a bit for him.

Eventually he awoke from his musings and was startled to find he was
alone. With a sigh he got up and went in through the back door.

The back hallway was unlit. There was the low murmur of voices and
music coming from somewhere ahead. He could make out dim light from around
a corner in the distance. Cautiously he made his way down the hallway,
hoping nothing solid was in the way of his shins.

Eventually he made his way to the light, and when he turned the corner
he recieved the shock of his life.

The front room was spacious and poorly lit. But the light was more
than adequete for Harold to see what was going on. There was about twenty
to thirty people sprawled about the room, all naked, contorted in every
kind of sexual position imaginable. And a couple that weren’t imaginable.

Harold could only stare dumbly. The floor was almost lost amongst the
moving, writhing bodies. There were six people on the couch, in some
bizarre group contortion that made them look like something from another
planet. One man sat moaning softly in an easy chair with a hard-on that
Harold would have sworn was twelve inches long, at least. He watched in
total amazement as all twelve inches dissappeared into the mouth of the
co-ed sitting on the floor between the man’s feet.

The blonde he had seen earlier was conspicuously absent.

He heard creaking above him, and he looked up. In the rafters, some
twelve feet above, a rope and pully setup had been arranged with a large
wicker basket. Three people were in the basket, which swung back and forth
alarmingly. Harold quickly moved several feet over, out from under the
setup.

His head was spinning. His experience with sex had always been
limited, and now he was confronted with a full-fledged orgy. It was too
much. He didn’t want any part of this. All he wanted was out.
Watching his step carefully, he made his way for the nearest door. He
was almost there when he saw the one thing he *knew* he didn’t want to
see.

There was a clear spot at the far end of the room. Only two people
were there, a man flat on his back with a woman sitting astride his hips,
moving up and down in sensuous rhythem. He didn’t know who the guy was but
he knew the girl. Cindi. Pain that had been mercifully submerged now rose
to stab arrowlike into his guts. Cindi turned her head at that instant and
their eyes met. Instant recognition and something spiteful and unpleasant
glittered in her eyes for a brief second, and then she turned her attention
back to what she was doing. Her movements became more frantic, and her
moans much louder, exaggerating as much as possible.

Her parting words rang in his mind: “I want a man, dammit!” Well,
fine. All Harold wanted was out. He averted his eyes and ran blindly
towards the closest exit. He stumbled over one couple on the way (startling
them into a premature orgasm) and mumbled apologies as he kept going.

Then he was in a hallway, but not the one he had come from. Doors
lined the hall on both sides. He grabbed one and pulled it open, only to be
rewarded with several outraged yells. Redfaced and near tears from
embarassment, he pulled the door shut and looked around desperately. And
empty room, anything, just so he could get out of sight and get his
thoughts together. If he didn’t do it quick, he feared he might lost his
mind. He had to get away, somehow!

There, at the end of the hall. An open door, the room dark within. He
paused at the doorway for a second, but could detect no movement within.
Empty, thank God! He slammed the door shut behind him and let the blackness
envelop him as he sank to the floor with a hoarse sob. He lay in a heap for
who knew how long before he finally calmed down.

His heart gave a sudden leap as he somehow realized, in the total
darkness, that that the room wasn’t empty after all. After a long moment,
he finally summoned up a weak voice. “Who’s there?”

There was a longer silence, and he almost began to hope he was alone
after all, when a soft voice answered “Are you all right?”

Fuck NO! I ain’t all right, you stupid… But Harold controlled
himself before replying, “I will be, eventually. In about fifty years or
so.” He hesitated before the next question, “Are you, um, alone?”

“Yeah.” she replied, “I just wanted to be by myself. I kinda outgrew
the scene out front a long time ago. All the interesting guys already have
somebody. There was one guy, but I think he went home or something.”

Harold got up, a little unsteadily “I’m sorry. Sorry I barged in on
you. I’ll leave now.”

“Please, don’t.” she said, “Unless you really need to. I think we
could both use someone to talk to.”

Harold sat back down against the wall with a weary sigh. “Sure, why
not?” After a silent moment, he continued, “Would you mind turning on a
light? I’d like to see who I’m talking to.”

“Well,” she began doubtfully, “you may feel more comfortable without
the light, but if you insist…” There was a click and a flare of light
exploded into his eyes, blinding him momentarily. When he could open his
eyes, he recieved the last shock of a very long day.

Standing by a lamp on the dresser was the blonde from the vollyball
game, still dressed in the frayed shorts but minus the bikini top, which
lay discarded on the bed. She had her eyes screwed shut against the light,
opening them a moment later.

“Oh! It’s you!”

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forests whose wildlife, I had no doubt, was far more daring and

vigorous than that on campus. It was a conservative school in a

sleepy, often cold environment conducive to huddling and conserving

energy. The academic tone was one of intellectual diffidence,

cultural muting, religious mainstreaming. Students gazed somberly out

library windows, rested their heads on their desks, gathered

in the cafeteria to consume starches. The surrounding roads disappeared

into dense woods, vanished under snowdrifts, and probably didn’t lead

anywhere anyway.

When Jeanine graduated high school at the precocious age of

sixteen and began attending the university, rather than finding it

stimulating she found it insufferably dull. But at least she was

away from her parents, and, after pursuing her studies with such

commendable diligence, she was now determined to spend her time in

pursuit of nearly life-threatening debauchery: to finally cave in to

her roaring lust, to shatter her disciplined mind with a dizzying

variety of controlled substances, to betray friends, to tear couples

apart in torrid trists, to…well, to really live.

This was a lot harder than she imagined; this was the

University of Montana. One of the most popular majors was agriculture,

and Jeanine soon concluded that the future farmers of America had

as much of a capacity for hedonism as the vegetables they harvested.

“You look at these torpid bastards and you get the sense that

all they fantasize about is planting row after row of goddam corn.

These are people whose livelihood depends on fertility, for chrissake,

but do you think that even suggests sexuality to them? Hell, no. I’d

like to run the fuckers over with their goddam tractors.”

Jeanine began buying stacks of pornographic magazines in

convenience stores, tearing out photographs of nude women, then

inserting these in library books in hopes of stimulating a massive

outbreak of libido.

But it didn’t work. In her first semester, Jeanine was asked

out once: to a country music festival benefitting farmers.

“The guy wears nothing but flannel. Imagining him in leather

is like imagining a cow riding a motorcycle.”

“You’re too young,” her friend Peggy assured her. “They’re

afraid of being charged with statutory rape, or something. Once you

get older you’ll get more action.”

“Yeah?”

“Definitely.”

“How many guys have asked you out this semester?”

Peggy was silent for a moment. “Well, everyone knows that

I’m looking for a husband, not a roll in the hay.”

“Bobby,” she turned to me, “How many girls have you asked

out this semester?”

“I’m too busy planting mental corn to bother with girls,” I

said. She shook her head disgustedly, then grabbed a copy of Penthouse

from her backpack and handed it to me.

I surmised the problem was that Jeanine came off as haughty. She

seemed to disdain all of the guys in school: men destined to spend a

substantial part of their lives shovelling manure, driving tractors.

Her arrogance, partly based on her stellar academic record, came

across as strongly as the Channel perfume she seemed to marinade

herself in. She reminded me of a slab of luminescent flesh yearning

to be ripped apart in someone’s teeth, but which everyone assumed was

lethally poisonous.

* * *

“Ted, can I ask you something?”

“Sure, Bob, what’s up?”

I stepped closer to him, turning away discreetly, my gaze

settling on the window. Outside, snow swirled through the cone-shaped

orange beams of the parking lot floodlights.

“You know Jeanine?”

“Not really.”

“Do you think she’s pretty?”

He hesitated, as if somehow puzzled.

“Pretty what?”

“Pretty looking.”

“Well, sure.”

…End of the part1. To be continued..

I pulled up in front of my mother’s house and beeped the
horn. My daughters, 12 and 10, came running out and I waved at
their Granny as I pulled away.
Melissa, the 12 year old, looked over at me, “Wow, Mom, what
have you been doing? You look a mess”
Krissy concurred from the back seat, “Yeah, your hair looks
terrible.”
I asked them about their day and we went through McDonald’s
Drive-Thru without incident. At home, Frank was just getting out
of his car as we pulled up. He waited and then kissed us all on
the cheeks.
“Hi, Honey. You look like you had a tough day.”
“Yeah, it was long and hard. The girls already told me my
hair was a mess. They just don’t appreciate the effort I went
to, to get it looking this way!”
He tousled it with his hand, “I noticed, but I thought it
looked sexy. How was the traffic on your end?”
I smiled at him, “Well, Dear, the Beltway was a real mess.
I won’t soon forget today’s traffic jam. This one guy was really
zipping in and out, then he got behind me, and he just wouldn’t
get off my ass.”
Frank patted my shoulder, “I know, Julie, there are some
real fucking assholes out there.”
“You can say that again, Honey.”
Maybe the guilt would come later.
Then, again, maybe it won’t!

[Father Goose #1]

There were three Medieval kingdoms on the shores of a lake.
There was an island in the middle of the lake, which the kingdoms had
been fighting over for years. Finally, the three kings decided that
they would send their knights out to do battle, and the winner would
take the island.
The night before the battle, the knights and their
squires pitched camp and redied themselves for the fight. The first
kingdom had 12 knights, and each knight had 5 squires, all of whom were
busily polishing armor, brushing horses, and cooking food. The second
kingdom had 20 knights, and each knight had 10 squires. Everyone at
that camp was also busy preparing for battle. At the camp of the third
kingdom, there was only one knight, with his one squire. This squire
took a large pot and hung it from a looped rope in a tall tree. He
busied himself preparing the meal, while the knight polished his own
armor. When the hour of battle came, the three kingdoms sent their
squires out to fight ( this was too trivial a matter for the knights to
join in ). The battle raged, and when the dust cleared, the only person
left was the lone squire from the third kingdom, having defeated the
squires from the other kingdoms.

I guess this just proves that the squire of the high pot and noose is
equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.

[Alternate version:]

It seems that there were these 3 pregnant Indian Squaws, all due to give
birth at about the same time. The first squaw gave birth to a boy, and the
birthing was done on a deer hide. The 2nd also gave birth to a boy, but this
was done on a bear hide. And, the third had twins, two boys, and
she did this on a hippopotamus hide.

I guess *THIS* shows us that the sons of the squaw on the hippopotamus hide
is equal to the sum of the squaws on the other two hides.

[Father Goose #2]

There was a new driver for the bus on Sesame Street. His first
day on the job, he awoke bright and early, went to the garage, got
the bus, and set off on his route.

At the first stop there was a chubby little girl waiting for
the bus. She climbed the step and got on, and said,
“Hi. My name is Patty.”
The driver replied,
“Hi, Patty. Please take a seat.”

At the second stop there was a second little girl, even chubbier
than the first. She got on and said,
“Good morning! My name’s Patty.”
The driver answered,
“Good morning. Please sit down.”

At the third stop there was a little boy waiting. He was dressed
in a white shirt and tie, and a suit with a vest, and he had a
calculator holster on his belt. He said,
“Hi. My name is Ross, and I’m special!”
The driver wasn’t impressed, but he managed a smile and said,
“Please sit down, Ross.”

The fourth stop rewarded the driver with a grubby little boy
with dirty jeans and torn sneakers. He got on the bus and said,
“My name is Lester Cheese.”
The driver replied,
“Please take a seat, Lester.”

Well, he’s driving along and he looks in his rear-view mirror
and sees that Lester Cheese has taken off his sneakers and is
scratching at his foot. The driver pulls the bus over to the
side of the rode, stops it, and says,

“I can’t take this any longer! I’ve got

two obese Patties,
special Ross,
Lester Cheese picking bunions
on a Sesame Street bus!

[Father Goose #3]

A while back, there were two kingdoms situated close by each other.
One kindgom had a powerful king, and the other had a relatively weak
king. The difference (or so everybody said) was that the powerful
king had a magic throne, which had the property of making people
powerful.
Well, the weak king wanted this throne, so he had a trusted
count get up an army (you know, knights, pages, reporters, that kind
of thing) to fetch it.
The army trudged along for a day or two (only the reporters
would know for sure) and came upon the powerful king’s castle.
The castle entrance was guarded by a huge yellow monster
with huge yellow hands. The army (being an army and all) attacked!
The huge Yellow Monster ate them all, except for two pages
who did not engage in the fight. The pages, being very frightened,
hid until nightfall.
When night came along, the pages peeked from their hiding
place and saw that the monster was asleep. The only thing guarding
the entrance now was the monsters huge hands draped in front of the
opening. The pages, being only 8 years old and all, were able to
squeeze through the yellow fingers and gain entrance into the
castle.

Moral: let your pages do the walking through the yellow fingers.

[Father Goose #4]
Once inside the castle, the pages had no trouble finding the
throne. Combined, they were just strong enough to lift it, and were
able to carry it out of the castle. (The monster gave them no
further trouble, since they had the throne and everything.)
After having walked half the night with the heavy throne
between them, they were very tired and stopped at a grass house
to rest. The farmer who lived there, wanting to steal the throne for himself,
let them spend the night in the barn. The throne was “hid” in the
farmer’s attic.
Some hours later, the farmer stole into his barn and killed
the pages.
The farmer went back to bed. A few minutes later, the
throne crashed through the ceiling, crushing and killing the farmer
and his wife.

Moral: people who live in grass houses shouldn’t stow thrones.

[Father Goose #5]
When the powerful king found his throne missing the next
day, he ordered HIS army to kidnap the other king’s count and force
him to tell where the throne was being hid. The session went as
follows:

king: Where is the throne?
count: I cannot tell you.
king: Then I will have you killed! Executioner, cut off his
head!
count: (as the axe is swinging down…)
Ok! I will tell you!
THWACK!!!

Moral: don’t hatchet your counts before they chicken.

[Father Goose #6]

A wild life photographer goes on an expedition to South America to photograph
the legendary and hitherto unseen foo bird. On the way he attempts to hire
porters from a tribe of Pygmys. They warn him of the dreaded curse on all
who look upon the bird and refuse to join. Undaunted the intrepid photographer
…End of the part1. To be continued..

First Woman: “This is very embarrassing, but every time I sneeze, I
have an orgasm.”
Second Woman: “You poor dear! Are you taking anything for that?”
First Woman: “Snuff.”

————

What’s the definition of the perfect woman?
1) She’s three feet tall, has a round hole for a mouth
and her head is flat so you can put cocktails on it.
2) The sports model has pull-back ears and her teeth fold in.
3) The economy model – she fucks all night and at midnight
she turns into a roast beef sandwich and a six pack.

————

Three old ladies were sitting on a park bench when a flasher walked up
to them and displayed his endowments. The first old lady had a stroke,
the second old lady had a stroke, but the third old lady’s arms were too
short to reach.

————

This guy walks into a bar, walks up to the bartender and
says, “I’d like a scotch and soda and I’d like to buy that
douche bag at the end of the bar a drink.” The bartender
says, “Hey, she’s a regular and you can’t be talking about
her that way.” The guy says, “Okay, I’d like to buy that
nice, young lady at the end of the bar a drink.” The
bartender says, “That’s more like it,” and he walks up to
the girl and asks her what she wants to drink. She says,
“Vinegar and water.”

————

A man meets up with an old roomate whom he has not seen for many years.
The roomate has had a sex-change operation. “Was it painful?”, asks the former.
“No, not really” says the second. “How about when they cut off your dick?”
“No that really wasn’t the worst of it.” “Really?” says the first. “How
about when they had to create the new hole? That must have been painful.”
“No the worst part was when they stuck the straw in my ear and sucked out half
my brains.”

————–

Why did God give women nipples?
To make suckers out of men.

Why did the Detroit Lions hire two nuns and a prostiture for the new season?
Because they needed two tight ends and a wide receiver.

Why are clams like women?
When the red tide comes, you don’t eat them.

How does a man know when he’s eaten pussy well?
When he wakes up in the morning and his face looks like a
glazed doughnut.

Did you hear about the new video game for women only, called Dick-Man?
You put a quarter in and get fucked.

I’ve got a joke so funny it’ll make your breast fall off:
Oh…I see you’ve already heard it.

What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
A cherry float.

What do you do when your Kotex catches fire?
Throw it on the floor and tampon it.

What’s 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1?
Bo Derek getting older.

Did you hear about the new douche powder made of alum, LSD, and Kentucky
Fried Chicken batter?
It’s uptight, outasight, and finger-lickin’ good.

What’s the difference between a light bulb and a pregnant woman?
You can unscrew a light bulb.

What do fat girls and mopeds have in common?
They’re both fun to ride until a friend see you.

Why are women giving up bowling for screwing?
The balls are lighter and you don’t have to change your shoes.

What’s the difference between a job and a wife?
After five years, the job still sucks.

How do you make paper dolls?
Screw an old bag.

What’s the white stuff you find in women’s panties?
Clitty litter.

Bumber sticker: Support E.R.A. – make him sleep on the wet spot.

What do you call a rehabilitation home for ex-prostitutes?
An all-the-way house.

Definition of a wife: “An attachment you screw on the bed to get the
housework done.”

How are an oven and a woman alike?
You have to get them both hot before you can stick the meat in.

Remember what’s worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper? (Getting
fingered by Captain Hook.) Well, you know what’s worse than that?
Getting eaten out by Jaws.

What’s the purpose of a bellybutton?
To put your gum in on the way down.

Why was the stamp commemorating prostitution so unpopular?
You had to pay an extra ten cents to lick it.

What’s the difference between a hormone and an enzyme?
You can’t hear an enzyme.

How do you make a hormone?
Put sand in the Vaseline.

What’s a cunt that talks back?
An answering cervix.

What do you give an eighty-year-old woman for her birthday?
Mikey … He’ll eat anything.

What do you call a woman who uses too much contraceptive cream?
A spermicidal maniac.

Why do women have legs?
So they don’t leave snail tracks on linoleum floors.

What do you call a hooker with no legs?
A nightcrawler.

What do you call a girl who’s just been run over by a car?
Patty.

Why do female parachutists always wear pantyhose?
So they won’t whistle.

How do you tell when a woman is wearing pantyhose?
If she farts, her ankles will swell.
…End of the part1. To be continued..

1. You can always turn on a car.
2. You are always in the driver’s seat.
3. You can drive a car anywhere.
4. You can share a car with your friends.
5. The car will always do what you make it do.
6. You can always buy a new one if you want to.
7. A car doesn’t complain about lack of attention.
8. If a car breaks down, you can always fix it up right.
9. A car doesn’t mind if you drive around in other cars.
10. There’s enough room in a car for 4 to 6 people.
11. You can swear at a car, up and down, and it won’t get offended.
12. If you kick a car, it will still run strong.
13. You can toot a car’s horn anytime and it won’t get upset.
14. You can feed a car and it will go as far as it can for you.
15. A car won’t give you any suprises no matter how many times
you get in and out of it.

Remember:
Man’s equivalent of a woman’s diamond ring is a car.

–

It was a working meeting and she was in one group while he was in another.
Only occasionally did they have to address one another. Toward the end of the
meeting, he asked for some assistance from anyone in the room. As she looked
at him, their eyes met, seriously, for the first time. He knew, she was his.
Of course, in a meeting such as this, there was no time for exploring the
relationship further. But tomorrow was another day.

Since she lived in the general area, she left with her car pool and he
wandered back to the hotel following the meeting. The next morning, he was in
the meeting room getting ready for the meeting when she came in with an arm
full of papers to be distributed. He jumped up to help her and lifted the
load from her arms. As he did, his arm brushed against her body. To anyone
else, it would have looked innocent, but he knew there was electricity passed
on that casual touch. So did she; they both knew it. During the day, he had
several other opportunities to be close to her. His touch was returned,
albeit only slightly, each time. He knew she was his. She knew she was
attracted to this man.

That’s all there was to this first meeting. Although they did go to dinner at
her home and met her husband, two children, dogs, cats and assorted other
house guests. He knew, however, there would be many more meetings and the
foundation had been laid. She knew too.

The next time was a working meeting in Phoenix, far from both their homes. As
usual, the first day was casual, with the greetings and small talk that
normally accompanied such meetings. Oh sure, they got their work done but the
real meeting was to take place later.

They all went to dinner at a local restaurant. He made sure he sat next to
her and they visited cordially all evening. His leg casually brushed up
against hers several times and was met with little resistance. His touches
were returned and the electricity between them began to build to a crescendo.
As they returned back to the motel, in his rented car, he made sure she was
the last person to be driven to her area of the motel. He pulled into a
parking place and shut off the engine and lights. His arm reached out and
playfully touched hers. She looked at him and they kissed. It was a long,
deep kiss; each other’s tongue probing the other’s mouth. His hand sought out
her breast and she pulled away from him abruptly.

“What’s the matter,” he asked. “Nothing,” she said; “I have to go to my
room.” He walked her to her room and then returned to his. He was so sure
that he had read her right, yet she had pulled away from him. “What the hell
is going on,” he wondered. Just then the phone rang.

“Hello,” he said. “I’m sorry,” she said. “That’s OK,” he muttered. “What
was the problem?” he asked. “I’m married – you are too,” she said. “I can’t
do this,” she protested. “Besides, I’m in the middle of my period,” she
stated matter of factly. “That’s OK,” he said, reassuringly, “We don’t have
to do anything you don’t want to do. I just thought you wanted to …” I
do… did,” she stammered. “This is so difficult – its my first time for any
of this and I don’t know what to do. I want you so bad – but what about my
husband, my children. What would they think?” “Hey, you’re a big girl,” he
said, “You have to make up your mind what is right for you.”

“What does your wife think?”, she asked. “If I don’t tell her, she doesn’t
think anything,” he said. They talked for two hours and finally hung up. He
knew she was his; but it may take a while. She was extremely driven by sex
but she had to work through this. They would have many more times together
and they could wait.

“Do you want to make love to me,” he asked. “Oh yes,” she stammered. He
could tell, just by her voice on the phone, she was blushing. “Will you do it
next time we meet?”, he asked. “Yyyyyessss,” she whispered in the phone. Do
you want me to lick your clit?” he asked. There was a pause on the phone, he
heard a quick breath, “Don’t say that,” she said, “Someone might be
listening.” “You’re getting wet down there, aren’t you?”, he said. “Oohh
God,” she whispered “Shut up.” The AT&T flirting was becoming more direct.

By the time they got to Phoenix, she was so hot that just the sight of him
made the juices start flowing in her pussy. She spotted him in the lobby as
he was registering for his room. This was one of the largest conferences that
their company had ever had, with over 500 employees attending. Both of them
knew a myriad of people and all were staying in this or the adjacent motel.
She knew that she would have to be extremely careful because many of these
people also knew her husband. Yet she was intrigued with this man. He was
not the most handsome man in the world but what attracted her to him. His
hands and the way he talked to her over the phone. His hands were big for the
size of his body and they blended with the upper body of a man who had labored
long and hard in the west as a cowboy, ranch hand, wildlife biologist and
computer operator. He had a quick sense of wit, humor and knew just how to
push the right buttons to make her body quiver at the sound of his voice.
She’d never been with a real cowboy before and the thought of that made
goosebumps appear all over her body. What the hell cowboys had to do with it
was something that puzzled her.

She returned to her room and watched as he took the glass walled elevator to
the 6th floor. She knew he didn’t suspect she was watching him and that
excited her. She was actually getting wet watching this man ride up the
elevator. “What’s the matter with me?,” she thought to herself. She waited a
few more minutes after he left the elevator and began to wonder if she should
call him. After about 15 minutes she walked over to the phone. Just as she
grabbed the receiver, it rang. It scared her so she dropped it on the floor
and she became embarrassed. “He – Hello,” she said as she picked up the
receiver from the floor. “If I say you have a beautiful body, would you hold
it against me,” she heard him say. A gush of fluid escaped from her pussy.
Her body was trembling as she began apologizing for dropping the phone and
stammering various things into the mouthpiece. “What am I saying,” she
thought to herself.

“Sssooo, should I come down and we go to dinner or what?”, he asked. It was
only 5pm as she glanced at her watch, a little early for dinner. “Uummm,
don’t you” she was interrupted by his saying he would be down and they could
discuss it. Before she could answer, he hung up. She rushed to the bathroom
to clean up. She knew her panties would be soaked from all the fluid that had
escaped her pussy as they talked. “What in the hell is the matter with me?”
she wondered to herself. Just as she was finishing the last button on her
levis, a soft knock was heard at the door.

She opened it and her knees started to buckle. He had on his western clothes,
and she had not realized how wonderful she thought he looked. He was not the
“marlboro man”, but she recognized a genuine cowboy when she saw how his
clothes fit and the way he just stood there. The big belt buckle seemed to
gleam like a neon sign. “Well, do I just stand here for the duration, or do I
get invited in?”, he joked. She stepped back and he walked in past her as she
closed the door. Her pussy was soaked and her knees could barely keep her
legs from buckling beneath her.

He looked around her room and walked over to the shades and pulled them shut.
“There’s no sense of advertising the fact that we are together in this room,
for whatever reason”, he said. “There are plenty of people in this outfit
that would be glad to rumor monger us to death,” he continued. “Come over
here,” he commanded. She flew to him and their lips met.

She was helpless in his arms. Those big hands virtually covered her back as
he placed them around her and his strength practically crushed the breath out
of her. He was not a big man but obviously was strong and caring. The kiss
lasted for, it seemed, an hour. He picked her up and carried her to the bed
and laid her down before their lips separated. She was already breathing hard
and her body was in flames. His lips began caressing the sides of her neck
and reached to her ear lobes. His hands had found her breasts and were gently
squeezing them. She wanted to say something but could not find the breath to
do so. She was totally his to do with as he saw fit. She knew, somehow, that
he would not be cruel to her nor ask her to do anything that she did not want
to do. She trusted this man implicitly.

By now, her blouse was fully opened and his hands were exploring her stomach
and had already caressed her legs. She felt him following her zipper down to
her crotch and the juices in her pussy were drenching her panties. She
wondered if they would soak through her levis. As his hand applied just
slight pressure to her pussy, she came for the first time. Her body arched
against his touch and her breathing became erratic. Flames shot up the front
of her body, piercing her breasts and bringing a blush to her face. She was
sweating profusely and was totally out of control.

He began to take off his clothes as he caressed her body with his lips. He
moved away from her to remove his pants and she sat up on the bed. “I hope
you don’t like big breasts,” she said; “If you do, you’re going to be really
disappointed by me.” He finished removing his pants and returned to making
love to her. “Anything more than a mouthful is excess,” he whispered to
reassure her that he would not be disappointed. He removed her bra and his
lips met her nipples and began caressing them with gentleness, yet firmness
she had never before experienced. His had again found her crotch and she came
again. Not the full climax she would feel later but still, enough to take her
breath away and cause her to feel the flames of desire shoot from her pussy to
her breasts where her lover was working intently. Her nipples caused huge
contractions in her pussy each time her lover sucked on them. Her hips
gyrated with each sucking action, pushing her pussy into the hand that was
gently massaging it through her levis.

She felt the button to her jeans give way and the zipper practically unzipped
itself. A hand crept under her panties and she felt a finger caress the tip
of her clit. “Oh Christ, I’m cumming again,” she thought to herself as
another wave of contractions, flames, muscle spasms and breathlessness
overtook her. She was reveling in the hands of her lover. She raised herself
slightly as he moved lower and began to remove the levis and panties from her
body. When they came off, she raised herself and removed her blouse and bra
that were just hanging on her body. For the first time she saw his erect cock
standing out from his body. She reached for it and began massaging it. She
felt a finger at her clit and it began to rub up and down her slit. She knew
she was ready for entry as the hand slid easily up and down her vaginal entry.
Suddenly, the finger slipped inside her as her lover sucked her left breast
into his mouth. She shuddered as she was almost overwhelmed into a fourth
climax.

Her lover worked his lips and tongue down her stomach as he slowly arranged
himself between her legs. She felt his tongue on her clit as he slowly licked
it. Suddenly, her clit was sucked into his mouth, his tongue flicked it back
and forth mercilessly as his fingers worked inside her vagina. Oh God, Oh
God, Oh God,” she thought as she came again. The waves of excitement came
from deeper within this time. They sucked at her breath, her nipples became
so tight they seemed to be caressed by just the air flowing over them. She
bucked at the tongue which continued to flick her clit. Sweat was streaming
down the sides of her head and beaded up on her stomach. She had never been
with a man that could make her feel this way before.

The waves began to subside and her breath started to return to normal. She
felt him lift himself from her clit and raise above her. As she opened her
eyes, she felt his member enter her vagina. His lips met hers and his tongue
began to reach towards the depths of her throat. She could taste her juices
on his tongue as he rhythmically began fucking her. With each stroke, she
could feel his pubic hair and pelvis rub on her clit. She knew she was in for
one of the strongest climaxes she had ever experienced. His tongue began
tickling the sides of her neck and working toward her ear lobes. One of his
hands had grasped her left nipple and was slowly squeezing it, driving waves
of excitement from her breast toward her stomach. She could feel the fire
beginning to build in her clit as he began to increase the strokes he used in
fucking her. Her toes started to close, her knees began slowly to straighten,
her stomach was beginning to tighten. She had never been here before.
Suddenly, her breath left. The fire from her clit met the waves leaving her
breasts in the middle of her stomach. Her toes completely curled up. Her
buttocks heaved in excitement and her legs wrapped around her lover as she
pulled him harder and harder into her clit. Slowly soft moans began escaping
her lips. They became louder until she was screaming. She bucked with her
lover and her whole body spasmed against the this climax. She had never had a
feeling such as this. She thought she would pass out as she lost track of
time, space and everything. She felt as if she couldn’t breath, yet she could
hear screams of joy coming from her mouth. As he exploded inside her, she
felt herself lift another notch up the climax ladder. “How far can this go,”
she wondered as she screamed louder. She could not quit bucking and swaying
against the force that was bringing her to this feeling. She wanted it to
last forever, but it began to subside.

She could hear the screaming and moaning beginning to subside but the rhythm
of fucking was still making her pussy and clit cause her to drag her lover
deeper and deeper into her vagina. Harder and harder she pulled at him.
Slowly, she regained some of her consciousness. She could see the sweat on
his chest and she began to feel her breaths coming in somewhat of a regular
fashion. Her lover began to slow his strokes and caress her forehead. Slowly
his lips found hers and his tongue eased itself into her mouth. The spasms in
her stomach muscles began to subside and the slow strokes in and out of her
pussy began to feel like rhythmical interludes. Her toes uncurled and her
legs slowly dropped to the bed.

“Looks to me like you enjoyed that,” he said as he lowered himself to the side
of her. She tried to say something but her throat was so dry, not a sound
came out. She felt as if her throat was sore as she cleared it trying to get
some moisture to her vocal cords. Suddenly, he was up and returned with a
glass of water for her. She drank a little and, as he lay down beside her,
put her head in his arms. “That was wonderful,” she breathed. “I have never,
ever, cum like that before. Where did you learn to do all those things?” she
asked. “Oh, you were just all excited because this was the first time,” he
said.

“What’s for supper?”, he asked. She looked at her watch. “My God,” she
thought, “Its 6:30.” “Its already 6:30!” she exclaimed, “the last time I
looked at my watch, it was only 5:00.” “Time flies when you’re havin’ fun”,
he said. “Maybe we should just order in?” he said with a question in his
voice. “Or we could just skip supper altogether,” she volunteered. “You mean
you think you could handle some more of what we just did?” he asked. “Well,
maybe not right now – but we could discuss it”, she giggled.

They passed the night, making love three more times. Each time, he managed to
make her cum. She could not imagine cumming that many times in one night. It
had never happened to her and she didn’t know what to make of this man who
just walked into her life and practically took her over. She always knew that
sex was very important to her, but this man had awakened things within her
body that she didn’t know existed. Little did she know how much these
feelings would have on her body as the weeks and years progressed.

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